Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Drugged to the point of psychosis

Drugged to the point of psychosis. Didnt take TPTB (the religious zealots)long to start another round of drugging. I don't know what I am on, but I know that it is completely draining my energy, my vitality, my joy, my ability to concentrate on, and interact with, reality. I am struggling to go to work, execise and function. When I was normal with my natural high energy, I found that I was able to clean house much better, able to attempt to go to the gym every day, able to learn and perform rapidly at work and interact with work colleagues. Now I drag myself like the walking dead. Do not have the energy for yoga, I don't even have the energy to drive to the gym. I tried to go for a bike ride earlier, and couldn't even do the 3 mile round trip circuit which is what I bike for a "quickie." My legs and body just had no energy whatsoever, and I turned around early and spent a half hour lying in the park, trying to get up the energy to power my bike back home. I always am dealing with migraine headaches that cause my eyes to slit out stimuli. As with migraines i cannot bear to see motion images on tv--have some kind of weird motion sickness. But even though it is a migraine, I feel pain in middle of forehead and behind eyes--like the "GABA" headaches I suffered when I tried taking OTC GABA, Then there is the pulsing pain from deep in the brain....I want o much to shake but Im so drugged I can't even shake. But the worst part is trying to work through this psychotropic hell. So damned hard. Can't remember the last time when work was such a struggle just to get through. (Things were pretty bad when I was on lithium at Intersections, but at least when the drugging started, I already was proficient at my job, and didn't need the attentive energy and concentration to learn it. Simone Weil always used to say that prayer was just attentive concentration, and the drugs completely undermine my ability to do so. My world becomes very small, as i can only deal with small pieces of reality at a time. At the park I looked at the trees and realized I felt nothing. Normall my heart and soul expands in nature, but I am cocooned and alienated from reality with these goddamned drugs, even the most inspiring element of reality--nature. But the worst part is the psychosis that develops after hours on those goddamned drugs--my own mind becomes alienated, blasted, dead, from my body and sense of self. It is the most horrible feeling in the world, and I was crying, dying, begging for escape from the hell that was my life this morning after work. Worse, I couldn't sleep. The alienated, blasted, psychotic mind cannot sleep or rest. I ended up taking benadryl, tylenol pm, and alcohol to sleep. A few nights ago when starting this shift, I found that after a night of really working, really performing, really attentively engaging reality that I could come home and fall asleep immediately with no chemicals whasover. I'm not able to think or read. While biking, normally I am working on ongoing hypothesis and problems. Not today. Just tried to keep pep talkking myself to keep pedaling. i have a couple of hours before work, but even writing this brief post has completely drined me. Already my eyes shut, just wanting to rest in darkness. have to get some rest before going to work, so there is no surfing the webv for me. too sick to figure out what is going on in the world anyway. Thank God it is Friday. I just have to struggle to get through what almost certainly, will be anotehr hell night.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

addrendum

too fucked up to figure out how to edit post. had to stell dream. dream i had some sugr and a rat got into it. i tried to get the rat out but got back in. Interpreation--sugar equals life little prleasure rat is goddamned motherfuckers ho keep druggeing me deny me life enjoyment and npleasure.

feeling hopeless

feeling hopeless--must be on psychotropics because i am suicidal. want to cut my arms to ribbons, blow brains out. DIE DIE DIE so i dont have to suffer this shit anymore. too fucked up to go to work. im sick of tired of living off mother. maybe i goto bosque and die and let the motherfuckers pick me up and jail me. or institutionalize me . i dont care anymore my life is so fucked up miserable and hateful id ont fucking care. sould have realize d something worng when i couldnt rad. so happy to get internet hooked up, so many things i need to read, but body brain cant absorb info make thoughts concntions. iam tired of struggling hard so hard to be human just to have thes goddamned assholes chop my legs ad suck my life out of me everytime. body is wrecked. forced myself to go yoga yesterday and someohow got thru a class so fucked up couldnt keep eyes open. today yoga is impossible. will not drive like this. went to library to post older posts so could keep continuit you of documentaray history. one mile to far to drive like this. eve worse body is dead and unresponsive. urine smells like bleach again. in terible pain on righ t thight. excess fluid has caused the muscle to pop out of pelvic girldle again. barely able to shuffle lgs and feet. worse part is the fucking blasted psychotic mind. no in reality. tired of it all gd, tired of it all. vry soon of quiting the whole goddamned struglle.
APRIL 24


FUCKING GODDAMNED ASSHOLE PIGS--on day i am supposed to start work, they fucking drug me so bad, i can barely move. There is no way i can work like ths. I nearly got killed on freeway earlier. Not only not in reality, but so autistic cant judge cars. too sick to drive. too sick to bike. as fucked up as i am rightnow, someone would try to roll me over for bike. hurts to open eyes. cant think. no energy to do anything. to walk, to cook, to do chores, i supose this is is their great idea to sabotage me. Maybe they are pissed off because augusta is talking to me. who know. I am too goddamned sick to talk to her, to talk to anybody. Need to make airline res but to sick to talk to mom or fam. no way in hell i can begin a new job as fucked up as i am. i am on some kind of psychotropic medication. I cant even bear to watch images rolling on computer. it is only spychotropics that mess up my visual percietion like that. snithced on the young tech who came to my house drinking heavily at 9 in morning. Poor guy was drugged up/depressed by the alcohol he was imbibing on the job. he wasnt in reality, wasnt sharp wasnt engaging life. What a fool or probrecito. i would do anything to be able to engage life, instead of being wrapped up in a psychotic cocoon of unreality and feeling like shit. I hope he at least learns how to live life. God knows when i will be able to.

April 26---drugging continues—last nite right before I went to work I got the download. Literally makes me nauseaous, swells out my body so bad. Tonite it happened right before I went to yoga. So fucked up not in reality. Severely autisitic—had to drive home barely able to open eyes. Cant standor process stimuli. Severe pain. Legs arms face so heavy with fluid. Even now my head feels like it weighs an extra 10 pounds, cant hold it becayse if excss flud, Excell fluid everywhere. gead gyrtubg ib ruggt sude, Urine smells like Clorox bleach. Feet are tender—the tenderness I experience when my organs r poisoned—I am feeling the soreness of the organ points my in my feet. Poor body. Why do fockers do this? Is it to discredit me—to have people think I am fucking sychotic? If so they are succeeding. I don’t give a shit. I realized a long time ago that I have a very small number of people that I can not only depend on for natural human support, or spiritual discernment, but also a very small number of people that have a modicum of common sense. I am reminded of the psych experiment where the experimiters told the subjects that they were to inflict pain by torture, but that really no one would feel pain---too fucked up to continue. Arms cant type, fingers arthritic, head fucked up. Gotta go to work fuck up like this
April 12th—early am.
Never ending schit. I am so focking sick of being drugged. My body needs to heal. My brain needs to heal. I need my wits about me, as my own mother ajnd her husband have plans to drug me, and I still have to put up with psychotropic schit that keeps me awake, makes it impossible to read (decide to finally give it up), and just steals all energy away. I woke up feeling like schit an went to yoga, where I couldbarely move. I tried my best, while my instructor asked me what was wrong and what could I tell her, that my torso was practically catatonic. I went to library tried to read but couldn’t concentrate, went to gym to work out and even tho body felt like it didn’t want move I could work out, best I felt all day. Came home cooked, ate, and was getting ready to wash disshes wehne it hit like a ton of brick (may be in cod liver oil—toosick right now to figure out)—drugged, too sick to move, to sick to read to sick to do anything. Too sick to sleep. I recognize the same focked up schitty feeling from last nite when I coundnt read, sleep or dream. I am on some stupid schit, and it is making me miserable. I should have known when I sawa all those dead cockroaches—they come when the porch is sprayed with sticky stuff on which the goddamned focking piesces of schit put their dope. Is it lithium? Like with lithium I cant sleep, brain waves happen, body is catatonic tho not as much as before but I am full of rage. Lithium doesn’t make me full of rage—other spcychotropics do that. Don’t know. Need to try to sleep with all this shcit im me.


Monday nite…Goddamn it, am I on lithium again? I wonder, because my household scale, which I finally calibrated a week ago, says that I am gaining weight—2-3 pounds to be exact. After years of medical abuse and force feeding of lithium, I know the rule by heart—“when I gain a pound a day”, I am on lithium. I need to get to the gym to weigh myself to confirm, but it does seem that is what is happening. I am too sick to go to the gym to work out, too sick to do much of anything, but I need to force myself to go weigh myself to confirm depressing news. What a waste of money. I spent 2 months fees--$135 for a weight scale. Yoga is out of the question. That is another reason I think I am on lithium. The catatonia I experienced in my torso on Sunday has now gotten to my lower lats and I am experiencing real pain from those locked up, utterly seized muscles. I remember very well when that first started happening when I was seeing that stupid doctor in Corrales. I was in pretty good shape then and could clearly recognize that something was going wrong. Now I am in total schit shape, and I only feel in gradations of bad, worse, and nonfunctional. I am functional, still moving, but it is getting worse. I am also experiencing the tetany of the neck I experience ever time I am on lithium. Even now, hurts to turn the head. . Hard to drive when the brain gives a command to turn head to look, and the body cannot complete the command. Even hard to turn head just to see my range of motion—not very good. Then there is the memory problems. I keep forgetting what I am doing, forgetting what I went into room for, what I wnet to store for, what to check on internet. My memory is already shot, fried, permanently destroyed by the damage done by lithium years ago. When I learned a few days ago I had vitamin d deficiency, I remembered my complaint to doctors that I thought I had a bad parathyroid. I think vitamin d deficiency related to that. But funny thing was, that tho I have spent hours researching my own medical problems, I cant remember any of them. At one time, they were in my head, and I was constantly referring to them, thinking on them, rearranging facts and hypothesis. Before the lithium, they would have been at my complete and utter recall. Now, they are all gone, totally, completely. My long term memory which used to be so outstanding is now destroyed. The only memory that stays intact are images (which is why I can still remember movies, shows and books), but facts, dates, names, mental records and hypotheses—those are all gone. For someone of my once prodigious memory abilities, it is a painful, irrevocable loss. Now, in addition to that long term memory loss, I experience acute short term memory loss. I find myself driving and don’t know how I got there or where I planned to go (again, this happened with lithium the first time). I put a coupon in my purse before I leave my truck to enter the grocery, then forget to give the clerk the coupon for the item—and the only reason I bought the item was to use the coupon!!

Did find something little interesting today tho’ watched part of stupid movie, Invasion which was about an alien virus which takes over body and mind, aactivating while the human host sleeps. Idea is not stupid, just way it played out. But interesting thought was that brain swelling (A.D,E.M.?) granted immunity from the virus because people who have had swelling of brain have their neurons rewired to work differently sovirus can’t activate. I wonder if this is what is happening with me. I know that I have had swelling of brain before abductions began—again, I think it related to brain inflammation experienced by many autistics. Maybe it was gift in disguise. Because the goddamned aliens want so desperately to channel thru me, and so far I can shut them out. Their agenda is just to use me as a “false prophet.” I won’t go along. Neither will I cooperate with an agenda in which people use psychic powers and gifts as a powertripping tool to aggrandize a psychologically and spiritually immature ego and/or agenda. So I am SOL—nothing to do but suffer psychoropic assault after psychtoropic assalut.

The other possiblity is that the B12 (I don’t think the extra vitamin D has kicked in yet) has allowed them to up the amplitude and download of their virus, and I am just recognizing it. But then how about the weight gain, incredibly dry mouth and the constant nausea I hav experienced all day? I don’t know. I just know this was a day from hell, and I see no end in sight to this hellish nitemare that is my lfife. OMG, as I finished writing I lifted my arms and felt the pain of a locked, catatonic ribcage—this is lithium. Focking goddamned pigs have put that goddamned schit in me again, even tho they know it is pure poison to my body.

Early am—defintely lithium. Thought I was having the brain rushes associated with lithium for past two nites. Tonite clear. Getting worse. Same old schit. Brain rush starts in brain and then carries through like an electrical jolt thru my entire body. If I am lucky I can shake. If unlucky, the body jerks and shake in involuntary convulsion. Impossible to sleep with these brain rushes. Body cannot rest with the elecrical jolts occuring every few minutes. Only thing that helps is vicodin or alcohol—losts of alcohol. Lready took three tylenol pm, absoultely worthless, now I got to dampen my hypersensitized cns by adding major alcohol. I cannot believe these goddamened morons. Actually I can—they are satanists and/or heretical catholic patriarchs desperate to noose me by a hangman’s rope to their agenda. Sorry to spoil your party. I serve Christ, and I neither know nor respect your unholy coercion and agenda. Unfortunately, my life is destroyed by them as well. Just want to sleep but wont happen till I can kill cns.

April 14th
Another nite of brain rushes, though I fell asleep around 3:30 after vodka and benadryl. I don’t think I am on lithium now, but I think that either I am on something else or that the intrinsic factor needs to be increased. I have had a bellyache all day which increased after eating a hamburger patty for breakfast. I am all bloated out again. I think that my protein needs may be increasing as I find myself able to really work out for the first time since the lithium abuse began 6 years. For years, I have been working out, but I am not really “feeling it” or “pushing it”. I have just gone through the motions, lifting dead legs, feeling like my body is practically a dead corpse, knowing that I have neither strength nor energy. Today, for the first time in years, I feel sore after working out, and I know, I can literally feel that my muscles are being built up. It’s a good feeling. My poor body—so devastated after years of abuse….But the consequent of this ability to really “work it,” is that I am requiring more protein, which I believe is a healthy side effect. I am suspecting that the intrinsic factor my torturers have dosed out to me is not sufficient to handle the extra protein. All I know is that I have got a stomachache, my belly is severely bloated, and I have an unusual (though I have had it before) smell to my urine. I wonder if the protein that I can’t break down and use because of lack of intrinsic factor is causing amino acid excretion through the urine. At least I no longer am smelling the ketoacidosis in my urine that I used to experience once or twice a week for the last couple of years. Very frustrating because I knew every time that I smelled it, that my body was being nutrient-starved and was eating its own muscle. It will take a while to become healthy again. Because I am treated like a lab rat instead of a human (all the better to control and manipulate you, my dear), I cannot increase the dosage of intrinsic factor as needed. So goddamned frustrating not to—I wish all I suffered from was a simple B12 deficiency. As it is, it will do no good to take a B12 hit—my body can’t use it right now, and it will stay in my gut and cause my bellyache to be worse…
April 15, 2010
Another lost day—not only nonfunctional, but in severe muscle pain. Even my spinal vertebra hurt and are tender. This tells me that all the spasemed muscles I feel in back and even in my chest are not psychosomatic. Think I firgured it out. Think these torturers try to rape my chakra points with energy overload so their luciferian allies can plug into my own body and brain. Because my body cant handle the energy overload, they build up, stagnate and cause pain and muscle spasms. If I were healthy, or even fucntional I would try to dissipate and rerouute the energy overload by shaking but I am too sick to shake. My entire musclulo skeletal systm hurts. Took a robaxin try to relax these muscles and spine. I hope the bad guys arent getting upperhand. Too sick to drive to library and even if I could too much back pain to sit upright for three hours. Don’t know though. Can learn nothing from the proganda mills that is tv news. All I can do is pray the nitemare ends.

April 16, 2010—Exhausted and limp after two days of straightup hell. Body is so tired and wrung out. More than anything else, I want to spend the day lying in bed to try to recuperate from the nightmarish previous two days. But I have learned that these respites from torture are not to be taken for granted. Anytime, the torture could begin again, and I have to make sure that my fridge is stocked, house is clean, and do some web browsing because tomorrow (or even this afternoon it could begin again).


I don’t know if I have been virus bombed with extremely high dosage of virus download or if another psychotropic flaveor was added to the mix. I just know I have been barely able to move for two days, that my optic nerve cannot handle the pressure of the added brain fluid (and just when I was beginning to hope that my right eye was safe from all that cranial pressure), and that even my guts are messed up. Depressed to be in this slave’s body—wish to God I were a free woman again.

April 17, 2010—No sooner do I accept a job at graveyard shift, then TPTB change direction and do a virus download that had me screaming in pain (and this at about 10 pm at night), taking 3 tylenol pm and going to sleep until I woke up this morning with a severely dry mouth, weak arms and legs, and tenderness and pain in the right side of my head. There is a difference in the pain—it is on the right side now, and throbbing, pulsating with pain deep within, whereas usually it is on the left. I have been begging for sleep the last few days, taking everything I got to try to get to sleep at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning. Now that I decide to take a job that has me staying up all night, they send a download that has me screaming in pain, and falling asleep within a half hour. Now, I can’t help but second guess my decision. Is it possible for me to work a totally different and demanding schedule (graveyard) when I am so weak and vulnerable physically to these never ending virus downloads and drugs. When this schit first started, I suffered greatly, trying to hold a job and stay alive with all the poison affecting my body. But then, my body was in great condition and I could force myself to get up and go to work (I also had a great shift—10 to 7 pm), then struggle to find a place to sleep where the lithium wouldn’t affect me. This was mostly ineffective and hugely expensive, and I piled debits onto my credit cards, as I went from hotel to hotel, night after night, but I believe that extra effort is why I am not a catatonic vegetable or dead and long buried now. While I truly believe that I am capable of working, I have to wonder if I can handle any shift other than swing shift, even if it is just a 2-month temporary job with the census. So the question becomes, “should I even try to work this job (when it begins in a week), or should I try to hold out for a different shift (nothing there yet, but just hope and wait). This is the question I have to answer within the next couple of days….

April 18th—Severely autistic today. On some kind of drug that has me totally focked up. Visited the computer guy today to pick up computer and talked briefly with wife and sdaughter, but felt something I hadnt felt in years—extreme social awkwardness and inability to converse. Now that I think about it, irecognized it after yoga. I spent years learning how to be sociable and interactive with people, FOCKING YEARS, and nights of prayer, and the focking goddamned assholes can undo all the work with their godda,med chemicals. So messed up couldn’t understand what Mike (computer guy) told me, was going out of mind at library, couldn’t stand the crowns or the noise. Stepped outside and I was going crazy listening to door open again and again, birds wings flapping, cars going by. Thought I was going out of mind with not being able to stop neverending noise. How am I going to be able to work like this? Maybe that is the point—make it impossible for me to work. Right now not in reality enough to work. Unable to be around relate to people. Cant even watch tv—it is nba playoffs but not only can I not stand to see cars whizzing by while I drivce, I cannot bear to watch athletes move on tv—brain too focked up to take it in. tonite would be a good day to work out on treadmill, try to lose weiht while I watch a game. Too sick to watch , too sick to move. Got things to do, house to clean, need to shop. Too focked up to do nayithing. Don’t know how this is going to work. No way I can work with my eyes this messed up—literally can’t read. Tried to read a book I started. Literate writer, Harold Bloom but I am an excellent reader. Made no sense whatsoever. Brain not fucntioning atr all

April 19, 2010
Yanked from one psychotropic drug to another. Goddamned Christians pulling this schit. Not enough that they have stolen over 10 years of my life from me—they still want to own/control me and in process not only stealing my self identity, free choice and self determination, but also more time of my life. Yesterday was nearly a complete wash. Realized finally I was being force fed risperdal, while I watched a game thru slitted eyes, with long pauses of shut eyes, unable to feel much of anything except the dull anger that I recognize in other autistics. Woke up feeling the same goddamned way. Feel like schit, angry, enervated, lifeless. Too sick to drink coffee. Drinking tea, but already I wish the goddamned day was over and it hasn’t even started. Yep, I think I am on risperdol. Last night I dreamed I was going to yoga class but I realized I was too sick and went to hospital instead where somebody outfitted me with hospital gown. I had hoped to do yoga every day for a week, but already this mornign I can tell I am too sick to do any kind of exercise. Unable to do yoga when I am on risperdal. Nothing new about that. Been here before. Too bad my body needs to heal but I have a bunch of goddamned Cristian fanatics destroying my life with their goddamned stupidity, arrogance, adm drugs—that is okay motherfockers—you have only done it for years. Keep believing your godamned schit. Keep pumping me full of drugs. I don’t give a schit. My life hasn’t belonged to me for years anyway.. Just overwhelmed with every thing I have to do , too sick to do anything. Have no energy no life, no ability to move. Catn even listen to music (another surefire symptom of risperdol—I remember from before how much I could not bear listening to any music when I am on this drug. Every sound makes me surlier and angrier. This is truly a drug that increases autism. How am I to start a job this way. Impossible. Cant even walk the few blocks to get to job. My eyes all messed up. Have been wanting to set an appt with Dr Huaman to see how bad eyes r, yesterday broke my glasses. Dr. Huaman is the only dr. that seemed to have any idea on how to approach and diagnose my condition. Years ago she told me that I needed a ”full metabolic workup” done, but of course, she couldt order it, so the methodical scientific methodology and approach was never done (doctors I went to were “told” my diagnosis, so they never investigated and my vitamain deficiencies when untreated for years longer. She is one of the few people that I really care about being my true self around, so this recent round of drugging scratches my idea to get an eye exam this week. I most definitely am not myself. I am a drugged up, autistic, angry, miserable zombie who is barely able to function, unable to exercise, read or enjoy music. Oh what a great opus dei member I would make!! Cant wait. Give me a whip to flagellate myself and rats ring to kiss. You stupid focking assholes. Going to be a schitty, lousy day. Already dragging.

Later, after sleeping over four hours (after an 8 hour sleep last night). NO longer suspecting risperdol. Eyes can open. It’s just that I have a headache now that doesn’t want them to open. Instead I notice that face is grotesquely swollen, along with my ankles. I can have so much fluid in head that my face is swollen beyond belief. I have never NEVER seen my face this swollen. Not only do I have the swollen jowls pulling down the corners of my mouth from my once trademark smile, to lined frown, but even my chin is puffy with fluid. I do not know if this is the result of the risperdol in my system or increased virus download. I do know that I had a dream in the last four hours that I interpret as being given an order by “zombie” (literally) religious types (priests in clerical garb) to commit suicide. I am wondering, after reading a post from a couple of days agao, if I have been pre-programmed, under mental hypnosis, during some of my abductions, or maybe from a previous incarnation, to commit suicide if “I fail, “ that is, do not follow the commands of my tormentors. Well I wont commit suicide. But I surely am not living a life worht living.

I may not commit suicide but after a hell day like today, I pray for death. God, when does this psychotropic schit end? Too sick to do anything today. Went to library but too sick to read. Too sick to watch tv. Mind incapable of thinking. Severe migraine. Head pain and nausea. Head so tender and painful. On top of all that I have to worry about being hospitalized if I go to nephews wedding. I know why, but too sick for thought processes to write it all out. Just so tired of all this pain and never ending suffering. Tired of everybody thinking I am mentally ill, when only mental illness I suffer from is what these goddamned drugs and implants and enforced isolation have created. Have things to do, howse to clean, computer to set up, shopping, laundry, haircut, but I am so sick all I cn do is lay in bed.

Monday, April 19, 2010

April 12th—early am.
Never ending schit. I am so focking sick of being drugged. My body needs to heal. My brain needs to heal. I need my wits about me, as my own mother ajnd her husband have plans to drug me, and I still have to put up with psychotropic schit that keeps me awake, makes it impossible to read (decide to finally give it up), and just steals all energy away. I woke up feeling like schit an went to yoga, where I couldbarely move. I tried my best, while my instructor asked me what was wrong and what could I tell her, that my torso was practically catatonic. I went to library tried to read but couldn’t concentrate, went to gym to work out and even tho body felt like it didn’t want move I could work out, best I felt all day. Came home cooked, ate, and was getting ready to wash disshes wehne it hit like a ton of brick (may be in cod liver oil—toosick right now to figure out)—drugged, too sick to move, to sick to read to sick to do anything. Too sick to sleep. I recognize the same focked up schitty feeling from last nite when I coundnt read, sleep or dream. I am on some stupid schit, and it is making me miserable. I should have known when I sawa all those dead cockroaches—they come when the porch is sprayed with sticky stuff on which the goddamned focking piesces of schit put their dope. Is it lithium? Like with lithium I cant sleep, brain waves happen, body is catatonic tho not as much as before but I am full of rage. Lithium doesn’t make me full of rage—other spcychotropics do that. Don’t know. Need to try to sleep with all this shcit im me.


Monday nite…Goddamn it, am I on lithium again? I wonder, because my household scale, which I finally calibrated a week ago, says that I am gaining weight—2-3 pounds to be exact. After years of medical abuse and force feeding of lithium, I know the rule by heart—“when I gain a pound a day”, I am on lithium. I need to get to the gym to weigh myself to confirm, but it does seem that is what is happening. I am too sick to go to the gym to work out, too sick to do much of anything, but I need to force myself to go weigh myself to confirm depressing news. What a waste of money. I spent 2 months fees--$135 for a weight scale. Yoga is out of the question. That is another reason I think I am on lithium. The catatonia I experienced in my torso on Sunday has now gotten to my lower lats and I am experiencing real pain from those locked up, utterly seized muscles. I remember very well when that first started happening when I was seeing that stupid doctor in Corrales. I was in pretty good shape then and could clearly recognize that something was going wrong. Now I am in total schit shape, and I only feel in gradations of bad, worse, and nonfunctional. I am functional, still moving, but it is getting worse. I am also experiencing the tetany of the neck I experience ever time I am on lithium. Even now, hurts to turn the head. . Hard to drive when the brain gives a command to turn head to look, and the body cannot complete the command. Even hard to turn head just to see my range of motion—not very good. Then there is the memory problems. I keep forgetting what I am doing, forgetting what I went into room for, what I wnet to store for, what to check on internet. My memory is already shot, fried, permanently destroyed by the damage done by lithium years ago. When I learned a few days ago I had vitamin d deficiency, I remembered my complaint to doctors that I thought I had a bad parathyroid. I think vitamin d deficiency related to that. But funny thing was, that tho I have spent hours researching my own medical problems, I cant remember any of them. At one time, they were in my head, and I was constantly referring to them, thinking on them, rearranging facts and hypothesis. Before the lithium, they would have been at my complete and utter recall. Now, they are all gone, totally, completely. My long term memory which used to be so outstanding is now destroyed. The only memory that stays intact are images (which is why I can still remember movies, shows and books), but facts, dates, names, mental records and hypotheses—those are all gone. For someone of my once prodigious memory abilities, it is a painful, irrevocable loss. Now, in addition to that long term memory loss, I experience acute short term memory loss. I find myself driving and don’t know how I got there or where I planned to go (again, this happened with lithium the first time). I put a coupon in my purse before I leave my truck to enter the grocery, then forget to give the clerk the coupon for the item—and the only reason I bought the item was to use the coupon!!

Did find something little interesting today tho’ watched part of stupid movie, Invasion which was about an alien virus which takes over body and mind, aactivating while the human host sleeps. Idea is not stupid, just way it played out. But interesting thought was that brain swelling (A.D,E.M.?) granted immunity from the virus because people who have had swelling of brain have their neurons rewired to work differently sovirus can’t activate. I wonder if this is what is happening with me. I know that I have had swelling of brain before abductions began—again, I think it related to brain inflammation experienced by many autistics. Maybe it was gift in disguise. Because the goddamned aliens want so desperately to channel thru me, and so far I can shut them out. Their agenda is just to use me as a “false prophet.” I won’t go along. Neither will I cooperate with an agenda in which people use psychic powers and gifts as a powertripping tool to aggrandize a psychologically and spiritually immature ego and/or agenda. So I am SOL—nothing to do but suffer psychoropic assault after psychtoropic assalut.

The other possiblity is that the B12 (I don’t think the extra vitamin D has kicked in yet) has allowed them to up the amplitude and download of their virus, and I am just recognizing it. But then how about the weight gain, incredibly dry mouth and the constant nausea I hav experienced all day? I don’t know. I just know this was a day from hell, and I see no end in sight to this hellish nitemare that is my lfife. OMG, as I finished writing I lifted my arms and felt the pain of a locked, catatonic ribcage—this is lithium. Focking goddamned pigs have put that goddamned schit in me again, even tho they know it is pure poison to my body.

Early am—defintely lithium. Thought I was having the brain rushes associated with lithium for past two nites. Tonite clear. Getting worse. Same old schit. Brain rush starts in brain and then carries through like an electrical jolt thru my entire body. If I am lucky I can shake. If unlucky, the body jerks and shake in involuntary convulsion. Impossible to sleep with these brain rushes. Body cannot rest with the elecrical jolts occuring every few minutes. Only thing that helps is vicodin or alcohol—losts of alcohol. Lready took three tylenol pm, absoultely worthless, now I got to dampen my hypersensitized cns by adding major alcohol. I cannot believe these goddamened morons. Actually I can—they are satanists and/or heretical catholic patriarchs desperate to noose me by a hangman’s rope to their agenda. Sorry to spoil your party. I serve Christ, and I neither know nor respect your unholy coercion and agenda. Unfortunately, my life is destroyed by them as well. Just want to sleep but wont happen till I can kill cns.

April 14th
Another nite of brain rushes, though I fell asleep around 3:30 after vodka and benadryl. I don’t think I am on lithium now, but I think that either I am on something else or that the intrinsic factor needs to be increased. I have had a bellyache all day which increased after eating a hamburger patty for breakfast. I am all bloated out again. I think that my protein needs may be increasing as I find myself able to really work out for the first time since the lithium abuse began 6 years. For years, I have been working out, but I am not really “feeling it” or “pushing it”. I have just gone through the motions, lifting dead legs, feeling like my body is practically a dead corpse, knowing that I have neither strength nor energy. Today, for the first time in years, I feel sore after working out, and I know, I can literally feel that my muscles are being built up. It’s a good feeling. My poor body—so devastated after years of abuse….But the consequent of this ability to really “work it,” is that I am requiring more protein, which I believe is a healthy side effect. I am suspecting that the intrinsic factor my torturers have dosed out to me is not sufficient to handle the extra protein. All I know is that I have got a stomachache, my belly is severely bloated, and I have an unusual (though I have had it before) smell to my urine. I wonder if the protein that I can’t break down and use because of lack of intrinsic factor is causing amino acid excretion through the urine. At least I no longer am smelling the ketoacidosis in my urine that I used to experience once or twice a week for the last couple of years. Very frustrating because I knew every time that I smelled it, that my body was being nutrient-starved and was eating its own muscle. It will take a while to become healthy again. Because I am treated like a lab rat instead of a human (all the better to control and manipulate you, my dear), I cannot increase the dosage of intrinsic factor as needed. So goddamned frustrating not to—I wish all I suffered from was a simple B12 deficiency. As it is, it will do no good to take a B12 hit—my body can’t use it right now, and it will stay in my gut and cause my bellyache to be worse…
April 15, 2010
Another lost day—not only nonfunctional, but in severe muscle pain. Even my spinal vertebra hurt and are tender. This tells me that all the spasemed muscles I feel in back and even in my chest are not psychosomatic. Think I firgured it out. Think these torturers try to rape my chakra points with energy overload so their luciferian allies can plug into my own body and brain. Because my body cant handle the energy overload, they build up, stagnate and cause pain and muscle spasms. If I were healthy, or even fucntional I would try to dissipate and rerouute the energy overload by shaking but I am too sick to shake. My entire musclulo skeletal systm hurts. Took a robaxin try to relax these muscles and spine. I hope the bad guys arent getting upperhand. Too sick to drive to library and even if I could too much back pain to sit upright for three hours. Don’t know though. Can learn nothing from the proganda mills that is tv news. All I can do is pray the nitemare ends.

April 16, 2010—Exhausted and limp after two days of straightup hell. Body is so tired and wrung out. More than anything else, I want to spend the day lying in bed to try to recuperate from the nightmarish previous two days. But I have learned that these respites from torture are not to be taken for granted. Anytime, the torture could begin again, and I have to make sure that my fridge is stocked, house is clean, and do some web browsing because tomorrow (or even this afternoon it could begin again).


I don’t know if I have been virus bombed with extremely high dosage of virus download or if another psychotropic flaveor was added to the mix. I just know I have been barely able to move for two days, that my optic nerve cannot handle the pressure of the added brain fluid (and just when I was beginning to hope that my right eye was safe from all that cranial pressure), and that even my guts are messed up. Depressed to be in this slave’s body—wish to God I were a free woman again.

April 17, 2010—No sooner do I accept a job at graveyard shift, then TPTB change direction and do a virus download that had me screaming in pain (and this at about 10 pm at night), taking 3 tylenol pm and going to sleep until I woke up this morning with a severely dry mouth, weak arms and legs, and tenderness and pain in the right side of my head. There is a difference in the pain—it is on the right side now, and throbbing, pulsating with pain deep within, whereas usually it is on the left. I have been begging for sleep the last few days, taking everything I got to try to get to sleep at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning. Now that I decide to take a job that has me staying up all night, they send a download that has me screaming in pain, and falling asleep within a half hour. Now, I can’t help but second guess my decision. Is it possible for me to work a totally different and demanding schedule (graveyard) when I am so weak and vulnerable physically to these never ending virus downloads and drugs. When this schit first started, I suffered greatly, trying to hold a job and stay alive with all the poison affecting my body. But then, my body was in great condition and I could force myself to get up and go to work (I also had a great shift—10 to 7 pm), then struggle to find a place to sleep where the lithium wouldn’t affect me. This was mostly ineffective and hugely expensive, and I piled debits onto my credit cards, as I went from hotel to hotel, night after night, but I believe that extra effort is why I am not a catatonic vegetable or dead and long buried now. While I truly believe that I am capable of working, I have to wonder if I can handle any shift other than swing shift, even if it is just a 2-month temporary job with the census. So the question becomes, “should I even try to work this job (when it begins in a week), or should I try to hold out for a different shift (nothing there yet, but just hope and wait). This is the question I have to answer within the next couple of days….

April 18th—Severely autistic today. On some kind of drug that has me totally focked up. Visited the computer guy today to pick up computer and talked briefly with wife and sdaughter, but felt something I hadnt felt in years—extreme social awkwardness and inability to converse. Now that I think about it, irecognized it after yoga. I spent years learning how to be sociable and interactive with people, FOCKING YEARS, and nights of prayer, and the focking goddamned assholes can undo all the work with their godda,med chemicals. So messed up couldn’t understand what Mike (computer guy) told me, was going out of mind at library, couldn’t stand the crowns or the noise. Stepped outside and I was going crazy listening to door open again and again, birds wings flapping, cars going by. Thought I was going out of mind with not being able to stop neverending noise. How am I going to be able to work like this? Maybe that is the point—make it impossible for me to work. Right now not in reality enough to work. Unable to be around relate to people. Cant even watch tv—it is nba playoffs but not only can I not stand to see cars whizzing by while I drivce, I cannot bear to watch athletes move on tv—brain too focked up to take it in. tonite would be a good day to work out on treadmill, try to lose weiht while I watch a game. Too sick to watch , too sick to move. Got things to do, house to clean, need to shop. Too focked up to do nayithing. Don’t know how this is going to work. No way I can work with my eyes this messed up—literally can’t read. Tried to read a book I started. Literate writer, Harold Bloom but I am an excellent reader. Made no sense whatsoever. Brain not fucntioning atr all

April 19, 2010
Yanked from one psychotropic drug to another. Goddamned Christians pulling this schit. Not enough that they have stolen over 10 years of my life from me—they still want to own/control me and in process not only stealing my self identity, free choice and self determination, but also more time of my life. Yesterday was nearly a complete wash. Realized finally I was being force fed risperdal, while I watched a game thru slitted eyes, with long pauses of shut eyes, unable to feel much of anything except the dull anger that I recognize in other autistics. Woke up feeling the same goddamned way. Feel like schit, angry, enervated, lifeless. Too sick to drink coffee. Drinking tea, but already I wish the goddamned day was over and it hasn’t even started. Yep, I think I am on risperdol. Last night I dreamed I was going to yoga class but I realized I was too sick and went to hospital instead where somebody outfitted me with hospital gown. I had hoped to do yoga every day for a week, but already this mornign I can tell I am too sick to do any kind of exercise. Unable to do yoga when I am on risperdal. Nothing new about that. Been here before. Too bad my body needs to heal but I have a bunch of goddamned Cristian fanatics destroying my life with their goddamned stupidity, arrogance, adm drugs—that is okay motherfockers—you have only done it for years. Keep believing your godamned schit. Keep pumping me full of drugs. I don’t give a schit. My life hasn’t belonged to me for years anyway.. Just overwhelmed with every thing I have to do , too sick to do anything. Have no energy no life, no ability to move. Catn even listen to music (another surefire symptom of risperdol—I remember from before how much I could not bear listening to any music when I am on this drug. Every sound makes me surlier and angrier. This is truly a drug that increases autism. How am I to start a job this way. Impossible. Cant even walk the few blocks to get to job. My eyes all messed up. Have been wanting to set an appt with Dr Huaman to see how bad eyes r, yesterday broke my glasses. Dr. Huaman is the only dr. that seemed to have any idea on how to approach and diagnose my condition. Years ago she told me that I needed a ”full metabolic workup” done, but of course, she couldt order it, so the methodical scientific methodology and approach was never done (doctors I went to were “told” my diagnosis, so they never investigated and my vitamain deficiencies when untreated for years longer. She is one of the few people that I really care about being my true self around, so this recent round of drugging scratches my idea to get an eye exam this week. I most definitely am not myself. I am a drugged up, autistic, angry, miserable zombie who is barely able to function, unable to exercise, read or enjoy music. Oh what a great opus dei member I would make!! Cant wait. Give me a whip to flagellate myself and rats ring to kiss. You stupid focking assholes. Going to be a schitty, lousy day. Already dragging.

Later, after sleeping over four hours (after an 8 hour sleep last night). NO longer suspecting risperdol. Eyes can open. It’s just that I have a headache now that doesn’t want them to open. Instead I notice that face is grotesquely swollen, along with my ankles. I can have so much fluid in head that my face is swollen beyond belief. I have never NEVER seen my face this swollen. Not only do I have the swollen jowls pulling down the corners of my mouth from my once trademark smile, to lined frown, but even my chin is puffy with fluid. I do not know if this is the result of the risperdol in my system or increased virus download. I do know that I had a dream in the last four hours that I interpret as being given an order by “zombie” (literally) religious types (priests in clerical garb) to commit suicide. I am wondering, after reading a post from a couple of days agao, if I have been pre-programmed, under mental hypnosis, during some of my abductions, or maybe from a previous incarnation, to commit suicide if “I fail, “ that is, do not follow the commands of my tormentors. Well I wont commit suicide. But I surely am not living a life worht living.
A little later after remembering where the quote, “Time to die” comes from—the movie “Blade Runner”—maybe the dream is telling me that the zombie hold on me is nearly at an end—unable to think too much. Am very drugged up, cant concentrate well.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lithium? Definitely

April 12th—early am.
Never ending schit. I am so focking sick of being drugged. My body needs to heal. My brain needs to heal. I need my wits about me, as my own mother ajnd her husband have plans to drug me, and I still have to put up with psychotropic schit that keeps me awake, makes it impossible to read (decide to finally give it up), and just steals all energy away. I woke up feeling like schit an went to yoga, where I couldbarely move. I tried my best, while my instructor asked me what was wrong and what could I tell her, that my torso was practically catatonic. I went to library tried to read but couldn’t concentrate, went to gym to work out and even tho body felt like it didn’t want move I could work out, best I felt all day. Came home cooked, ate, and was getting ready to wash disshes wehne it hit like a ton of brick (may be in cod liver oil—toosick right now to figure out)—drugged, too sick to move, to sick to read to sick to do anything. Too sick to sleep. I recognize the same focked up schitty feeling from last nite when I coundnt read, sleep or dream. I am on some stupid schit, and it is making me miserable. I should have known when I sawa all those dead cockroaches—they come when the porch is sprayed with sticky stuff on which the goddamned focking piesces of schit put their dope. Is it lithium? Like with lithium I cant sleep, brain waves happen, body is catatonic tho not as much as before but I am full of rage. Lithium doesn’t make me full of rage—other spcychotropics do that. Don’t know. Need to try to sleep with all this shcit im me.


Monday nite…Goddamn it, am I on lithium again? I wonder, because my household scale, which I finally calibrated a week ago, says that I am gaining weight—2-3 pounds to be exact. After years of medical abuse and force feeding of lithium, I know the rule by heart—“when I gain a pound a day”, I am on lithium. I need to get to the gym to weigh myself to confirm, but it does seem that is what is happening. I am too sick to go to the gym to work out, too sick to do much of anything, but I need to force myself to go weigh myself to confirm depressing news. What a waste of money. I spent 2 months fees--$135 for a weight scale. Yoga is out of the question. That is another reason I think I am on lithium. The catatonia I experienced in my torso on Sunday has now gotten to my lower lats and I am experiencing real pain from those locked up, utterly seized muscles. I remember very well when that first started happening when I was seeing that stupid doctor in Corrales. I was in pretty good shape then and could clearly recognize that something was going wrong. Now I am in total schit shape, and I only feel in gradations of bad, worse, and nonfunctional. I am functional, still moving, but it is getting worse. I am also experiencing the tetany of the neck I experience ever time I am on lithium. Even now, hurts to turn the head. . Hard to drive when the brain gives a command to turn head to look, and the body cannot complete the command. Even hard to turn head just to see my range of motion—not very good. Then there is the memory problems. I keep forgetting what I am doing, forgetting what I went into room for, what I wnet to store for, what to check on internet. My memory is already shot, fried, permanently destroyed by the damage done by lithium years ago. When I learned a few days ago I had vitamin d deficiency, I remembered my complaint to doctors that I thought I had a bad parathyroid. I think vitamin d deficiency related to that. But funny thing was, that tho I have spent hours researching my own medical problems, I cant remember any of them. At one time, they were in my head, and I was constantly referring to them, thinking on them, rearranging facts and hypothesis. Before the lithium, they would have been at my complete and utter recall. Now, they are all gone, totally, completely. My long term memory which used to be so outstanding is now destroyed. The only memory that stays intact are images (which is why I can still remember movies, shows and books), but facts, dates, names, mental records and hypotheses—those are all gone. For someone of my once prodigious memory abilities, it is a painful, irrevocable loss. Now, in addition to that long term memory loss, I experience acute short term memory loss. I find myself driving and don’t know how I got there or where I planned to go (again, this happened with lithium the first time). I put a coupon in my purse before I leave my truck to enter the grocery, then forget to give the clerk the coupon for the item—and the only reason I bought the item was to use the coupon!!

Did find something little interesting today tho’ watched part of stupid movie, Invasion which was about an alien virus which takes over body and mind, aactivating while the human host sleeps. Idea is not stupid, just way it played out. But interesting thought was that brain swelling (A.D,E.M.?) granted immunity from the virus because people who have had swelling of brain have their neurons rewired to work differently sovirus can’t activate. I wonder if this is what is happening with me. I know that I have had swelling of brain before abductions began—again, I think it related to brain inflammation experienced by many autistics. Maybe it was gift in disguise. Because the goddamned aliens want so desperately to channel thru me, and so far I can shut them out. Their agenda is just to use me as a “false prophet.” I won’t go along. Neither will I cooperate with an agenda in which people use psychic powers and gifts as a powertripping tool to aggrandize a psychologically and spiritually immature ego and/or agenda. So I am SOL—nothing to do but suffer psychoropic assault after psychtoropic assalut.

The other possiblity is that the B12 (I don’t think the extra vitamin D has kicked in yet) has allowed them to up the amplitude and download of their virus, and I am just recognizing it. But then how about the weight gain, incredibly dry mouth and the constant nausea I hav experienced all day? I don’t know. I just know this was a day from hell, and I see no end in sight to this hellish nitemare that is my lfife. OMG, as I finished writing I lifted my arms and felt the pain of a locked, catatonic ribcage—this is lithium. Focking goddamned pigs have put that goddamned schit in me again, even tho they know it is pure poison to my body.

Early am—defintely lithium. Thought I was having the brain rushes associated with lithium for past two nites. Tonite clear. Getting worse. Same old schit. Brain rush starts in brain and then carries through like an electrical jolt thru my entire body. If I am lucky I can shake. If unlucky, the body jerks and shake in involuntary convulsion. Impossible to sleep with these brain rushes. Body cannot rest with the elecrical jolts occuring every few minutes. Only thing that helps is vicodin or alcohol—losts of alcohol. Lready took three tylenol pm, absoultely worthless, now I got to dampen my hypersensitized cns by adding major alcohol. I cannot believe these goddamened morons. Actually I can—they are satanists and/or heretical catholic patriarchs desperate to noose me by a hangman’s rope to their agenda. Sorry to spoil your party. I serve Christ, and I neither know nor respect your unholy coercion and agenda. Unfortunately, my life is destroyed by them as well. Just want to sleep but wont happen till I can kill cns.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Further thoughts on the previous post's dream

Further thoughts on the previous post's dream...
First of all, I have to say that I am feeling a lot better today--obviously the Haldol has been lifted, which is a good thing, considering the hate stares that I received yesterday as I went about routine tasks with a jerky walk. A lot of people really are mean and hateful to the mentally ill (although I did get one solicitous comment--"Are you OK?), and yesterday I clearly looked like psychotic.

I've been thinking on that dream of being in a convalescent home, with the suffused colored-light-bulb and Christmas tree glow of the satanic themed movie, "Eyes Wide Shut" that I recently watched. There is no question that despite the ostensibly warm and colorful glow, that it was linked to a satanic party (I wonder if I will ever be able to get over the creeps, if I experience that environment again, in reality. I now realize the prescription, "to be sedated with Haldol," which was written upside down, is another clear indicator of the satanic agenda. For satanic ritual inverts all Christian symbolism, for example, displaying an upside down Cross. When I worked at a group home for disturbed youth, I was taken aback by a teenager asking me if I were a satanist. I looked at him funny, and said "What would make you think that?", and he replied, "because your crucifix (necklace) is backwards. That's the way they wear it." I looked down on my chest and sure enough, the youngster was right. In my careless dressing, I had inadvertently put my crucifix on backwards. So I immediately repositioned my necklace, and ever since, have been obsessive compulsive about making sure my crucifix is positioned correctly (before, when it was on backwards, I would just think of a picture I once saw of the Magdalen embracing Christ on the Cross and ignore it).
So the dream tells me that the responsibility for the psychotropic drugs lies with a satanic cabal, not just this most recent incident, but probably all the drugging that I have endured for years. I've also changed my mind about the signature on the prescription, "Sr. Janelle." I no longer believe that Sr. is an acronym for Sister but rather for the Spanish Senor, an acronym for Mister. Because it is a Sr. and not Fr. or Pr., this is a layman, and because of the Spanish (or Italian), I suspect Opus Dei, which is the primary apostolate in which Catholic laymen can attain to high ecclesiastical power. They also are heavily represented by the Spanish population because their founder was a Spaniard (one really sick puppy himself, Jose Escrivas). So now my interpretation is that the satanic cabal which is behind my drugging, behind MJ12, Nazi and extraterrestial liasons, illegal treaties and human abductions (and let's not forget JFK's assasination) is the same satanic cabal that has infiltrated high positions, most prominently in the Jesuit Order, but also in the Roman Curia and hierarchy, all the way to Pope Rat! Because Ratzinger, as Pope, is undeniably the head of the satanic cabal now, I really believe that he is the man most directly responsible for my years of suffering. I have wondered on that for years, ever since I had that dream of him wearing sneakers and evaluating me, but I hated to make such a "delusions of grandeur" leap. But I most emphatically believe it now, and Rat got some Opus Dei psychiatrist to sign off on the presctiption out of stupid blind obedience, and voila, I suffer. I don't really suspect that Opus Dei member are filled with satanic evil, but I think their unquestioning obedience and brainwashed convictions (which is the opposite of true faith) makes them perfect, if unsuspecting tools for the evil, satanic cabal.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Haldol--once again figured it out, but unable to do anything about it.

April 8—More of the same. I was sick all night with nausea and a migraine. Woke up groaning with the same old groan that I have esperienced way too many mornings in the past 7 years—the groan of feeling like schit, the groan of hating the day before I even open my eyes, the groan of having to drag myself up and about. I got things to do—call and get my computer fixed, clean bedroom, get a plane ticket and call brother, all these little things, but it is too hard to move to do anything. I wonder if i am not being given b12 because once again, I have the “pregnant belly” and incredible fluid retention on my body. Yesterday my legs were grossly swollen with the familiar ¾ of an inch seam running down the sides or back of them. I guess I could call the doctor, but that takes energy too. Maybe I will feel better later……

Later—so very drugg up I am nonfunctional. I am too sick to read a book or do any concentration on antying. . now I am too sick to even watch tv. Nothing for it but listen to music hope to God I can sleep. So sic kof being drugged all the goddamned time.

April 9, 2010
What a waste of my time and life. I currently am suffering from a goddamned migraine and a tremendous rage (if I can open my painfilled, frozen eyes) that has me wanting to smash everything in sight. My digestive system and ability to eat is messed up (lithium?). I just have no appetite or the stomach to digest, but the headache and the edgy feeling of being on some kind of speed has me trying to eat to feel better—to get rid of the headache and to get rid of the brain/body separation alienation that I feel and that is driving me craazy. Legs are numb. Arms are numb. But I feel too bad to do anything about it. On top of all that, I feel that once more, I am being force fed psyhcotropics to deal with the mental aberrations caused by the virus downloads. So sick of this schit. My life is hell, neverending hell. Another sighn im on psychtorpics—I fantasize about blowing my brains out—my focking headache brains, my autistic brain. Im right, just like im always right, just like I have suffered unconsciously for years because you motherfockers wont listen to me. Maybe when they do the postmortem these fockers will realize what I keep telling them. I am autistic and I am fine as long as you keep alien virus schit out of me. I would rather die right now than live another day with these goddamned drugs in my system. GO TO FOCKING HELL BASTARDS

April 10th

Well, what do you know—God told me in a dream what drug I am being force fed. Haldol. I can’t believe the stupidity of Jesuits/Opus Dei. For when I was just on the B12 alone, my brain was not only able to accept the goddamned virus downloads but able to function quite well. I know this because I can tell the success and magnitude of the virus download by the dilation of my pupils--and they can get very, very dilated. For a few days, with just the B12, I could see my eyes dilating to saucers, but didn't experience the severe headaches, swelling, and muscle spasms as before. But with the added Haldol in my system I suffer from the brain swelling (caused by astrolytes, I think) which immediately gives me excruciating head pain, and the “fire behind the frozen eyeballs” syndrome. Too bad for them, because they can’t advance the virus with psychotropics in my system. I don’t give a fock one way or the other. I completely despise these celibate psychological and spiritual eunuchs and will not cooperate either way. So what was the dream?

The dream took place that had the feel of a retirement “old folks” home. It was full of the warm glow of unblinking Christmas lights and a colored bulb Christmas tree. That enviroment came directly out of a horrible (because it was about satanism and satanic ritual orgies) movie I watched last night called “Eyes Wide Shut.” The satanist’s party had the same colored Christmas light glow. Christmas without Christ. A pretty Christmas fa├žade hiding the horrible, rotten evil of spiritual death and corruption. The place was full of decrepit old people, barely physically alive, but spiritually dead. I remember they were sitting around knitting. They reminded me somehow of Alison and Judy, two VIDA roommates whose treacly spirituality and limp vitality had literally run me out of their house so that I could live and pray with vibrancy, “have life and have it to the full,” instead of being half dead, walking around in a pietistic haze of unawareness and petty minutia. However, in the dream, to my horror, I felt just as dead as they did. I tried to tell one of the nuns (it seemed she was a nun), “I am not dead, I am just feeling sick, I don’t know what is wrong with me.” She handed me a note on which there was a prescription. I couldn’t read it until I turned it upside down, and it said that I was to be sedated on Haldol, with an acknowledgement signature of “Sr. Janelle.” I remember a Sr. Janelle—nice, inoffensive, sweet lady with the all spirituality and vitality of a worm—unfortunately too true of many sisters.

Also, too true of the patriarchal eunuchs who want to destroy my authentic spirituality and life so that it fits their “Christmas without Christ” spirituality—all colored lights and Christmas trees but no inner fire of Christ or a natural, humanistic vitality. As usual, I am being set up again for their goddamned doping intervention. Yesterday, immediately before going to Dale’s, I had to endure a major emp-initiated virus download. It overwhelmed me. Dale, who is aware of what such a download entails, of course, had to wonder why I was so messed up when I walked in, that I had to immediately start shaking, and was basically non-functional, and during the entire session could barely hold a communicative thread. But here is my question to the world—who is to say with what intensity that download was initiated? I think it was purposely amped up so that I would appear like a blathering idiot, so the Jesuit/Opus Dei spiritual and physical eunuchs could cluck their tongues and shake their heads, and say, “see, she needs medication.” Same old story, They make me psychologically ungrounded and alinated through drugs, so that they can drug me, because they want a half-alive zombie that they can suck vitality and power from through corrupt and unholy sacrifice, rather than a fully alive Christ-woman who condemns their world, their choices, their values, and their “sepulchred, whitewashed,” “Christmas without Christ” spirituality.

I think the download was amped up because I was feeling much better, human actually, for several days after the B12 breakthrough. But then they began interfering once again, and I knew it immediately—first thing that happens is that the stomach bloats out.

The other point of keeping me drugged and “kooky” is to alienate me from others. The absolute worst thing that can happen (which does indeed happen every time someone is able to relate to me in reality) is that people realize how healthy (if a little bit neurotic) I truly am. That is the real reason I am not allowed to work. Imagine their surprise, when I made a very successful, if brief adjustment, when I was allowed to work for a short stint as an election worker (probably, because they wanted to know who I would vote for). After making a remarkably positively impression on my co-workers, the message came back loud and clear,”No more work for you!” Then a year later, when I go to CA to visit family, my adult relatives are walking around on eggshells, believing the lie about how mentally ill I am. The only problem was that when I went to babysit three rambunctious kids for a day, I again showed how healthy I was. The kids don’t believe the mendacity of adult authority. They respond directly to reality, and they recognized my healthy personality as a healthy personality, and to make my case even further, I was very sick and low energy on that day. Even so, not only wasI able to babysit quite successfully, I even saved my nephew’s life (yes, you pathetic, lame-brained and limp-dicked eunuchs, I know exactly what went down), just like I know I have no gender identity issues—I’m an anomalous hermaphrodite, just like I know I am lesbian (though that gets kind of gray—if every cell in my body is XY, is my desire for women really lesbian?), just like I know that I have a vitamin B12 deficiency which caused immense suffering and nearly killed me until I figured it out, which would have been figured out much earlier if you had kept your stupid asses out of my medical relationships and treatments, just like I know that I have an autistic brain stem that is easily strangled with chemical downloads, (you won’t admit that, but I have been right every single time and I am right about that too).

Every step of the way, I am hampered by your drugs and handicapped by your power-tripping, patriarchal stupidity, so that I am barely able to function. I spent all morning dreaming in cartoons (original and creative cartoons, but still clearly cartoons), unable to get up and do much of anything. The body is too dead to do yoga, or even walk or ride a bike on this beautiful spring day. I am too sick to read a book or think through any thoughts or problems. I just want to lay down and sleep but first I will force myself to go post this. Then I will come back and sleep. But know this, enemies of mine and Christ, I will not spiritually die for your sorry, heretical misunderstanding and lack of faith. You may physically kill me (and believe me, I am so ready), but you will never spiritually kill me. You can force every damned drug in the world down my throat. It will never happen. And as long as I am alive I am going to give full throated expression to my rage. I suppose you think it mentally ill that I was so physically and vocally forceful regarding my disdain for Ratzinger and the problem of priestly pedophilia. I will be the first to admit that because the drugs made my inner world of feelings and images more compelling than the outer world of proper expression and reason, that I was over the top in expressing my contempt. Just one suggestion—get me off these goddamned psychotropics and watch how I express my contempt. I will do it through writing a blistering critique of priestly patriarchy as I have experienced it and how it exists. Take me off the drugs and you won’t see acting out so kinetically volatile. But I guarantee you, you will know my contempt. For Ratzinger is not only a pedophile—he is the worst kind of pedophile—a man who “sacrifices” (terrorizes and sexually penetrates) innocent children to Satan in ritualistic abuse. Damned right, I am going to stand up and scream “pedophile” in blazing anger. Except right now. I am so drugged I could watch a child being molested in front of me, and I don’t know if I would have the energy to even yell “stop.” That’s the whole point, isnt it, Jesuits and opus dei—to keep me so drugged I cannot defend myself against your abuse. Well you ar e right I cant but I can call on God to protect and preserve me, and so I do.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

No longer know what is wrong with me--just know that something is definitely wrong

No longer know what is wrong with me--just know that something is definitely wrong--my best guess is that I am on some psychotropic drug in addition to some kind of B12 supplementation. All I know is that i am so drugged out that not only do I have no physical energy, I have no mental energy. I spent the last two hours trying to read my normal internet posts, but completely unable to absorb or respond to them. I just want to sleep in front of a tv. I realized last night that i could not read a book i had started to read earlier. on top of all that, i find myself suffering from severe migraines. got one now. maybe that is why i cant read or think. dont know. just a waste of time to sit here in front of computer. so sick of this shit. so sick of it.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

April 6—When does this drugging end? My God, how much do I have to suffer at the hands of these pricks? Every time I start to feel halfway human, they drug me again and again and again and again. Never focking ending. And all the while I got someone smirking in my face thinking they are doing something great for Jesus or a cause. After years of abuse and vitamin B12 starvation, my body is WRECKED WRECKED, so you understand. My muscles and nerves are dead and desperately need to come to life. I spent years forcing myself to move and try to work out, even though they didn’t have the fuel, B12, that they needed, but over time, the body has died. So I spent a lot of money signing up for yoga classes, but after three classes, it is becoming clear that I just wasted good money. I am so drugged during the classes that I literally feel like my body is an unresponsive corpse. Total separation between the mind and body. That is not yoga at all. Not only does someone activate the virus download in my brain before and during yoga class, but they also add on the psychotropic flavor of the day, so that I am so wasted mentally AND physically that I literally can’t do yoga, but can only go through half-hearted motions, and irregular, drugged responses while my “handler” of the moment, pushing whatever emp buttons they are given, are constantly smiling at me, “Do you feel ‘Jesus’ yet?” “Are you going to be a ‘good’ Christian (or comrade, in the case of the psychic mind probers) now, someone we can latch on and suck the vital energy out of, while we let you live a life we won’t take responsibility for ourselves?” “Are you ready to be celibate yet?” I only have the same answer that I always have. I am worthless to anyone, including God and myself, unless I am free and healthy, and being drugged on these goddamned psychotropics are nothing but enslaving and unhealthy. All I can do is hold on to a kernel of inner freedom and pray God liberate me from this hell of drugs and needy projections by “happy slaves.”

Yesterday morning, I was able to feel. I remember listening and “feeling” (which most days, I am incapable of feeling anything, numbed by either B12 starvation or the goddamned drugs) music, “Jesu, Joy of Our Desiring”, and I remembered that somewhere I had dulcimer tab for that music, and I said “I must get home and play it.” But by the time I got home, I was in a truly psychotic state and all I wanted to do was get as drunk as I could and sleep as fast as I could so that I could escape the drug-induced psychosis that my “handler” put me in during yoga class (and this yoga instructor was “in” on it, unlike my instructors of the previous two classes). I know, and/or learn which yoga instructors have integrity and which ones are just needy people pleasers and projectors. Its just that in my desire to heal, I try to work out every day and it’s a learning process. I learned yesterday, the hard way. By the time the class ended, I was so out of reality, I could barely walk. I stumbled down the steps, and recognized my own severe autism, distracted by the pattern of tiling on the floor. Having had the experience before, I looked away from it—otherwise I would be sucked into staring endlessly and counting tiles and patterns. I was so messed up that I couldn’t drive when I got to car. I sat and waited then drove home by surface streets, because I was too drugged to notice or respond to stimuli. Needless to say, no music playing for me last night. Nor will there be any music playing today, for I still am drugged on something that has all my emotions shut down. I am going to try to take care of chores, but I am not fully in reality, and once again I feel life is so hard, such a struggle, but if I see another stupidass christian grinning at me, I am going to go up and ask them, “Are you saved?” Of course I already know the answer. “Saved” people relate to others freely—not putting their psychic projections in their minds or their emotional neediness projections in a latched on drain. Going to be a bad day. Nothing I can do about it.

Oh yeh, one last little note—on Sunday, I had lost 8 pounds in one day! That was not a mistake in reading. For the previous three days I had been over 15 pounds. On Sunday I was 207 pounds. But Monday I was back up to 213 pounds. So what is going on? SOS. Tita figures out what is going on, and my slavers automatically decide to use it for their own purposes. My guess is that I need intrisic factor and when I get it, all this excess fluid on my body disappears, but then the goddamned psychotropics (not the alien virus itself, but the mood altering pharmaceuticals) causes the bloat again. Well im moodaltered alright. I am full of rage and negative energy and sick to the death of being abused. I AM SICK OF BEING ABUSED, YOU GODDAMNED PIGS!!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

April 4, 2010

I can’t believe it. The goddamned Christians won’t get off my focking tit. It’s not enough that the sons of bitches nearly killed me with their drugs, that they have destroyed my health and my body and destroyed over 7 years of my life with their goddamned drugs. They still are at it!! Even as I write I'’ focked up on some kind of drugs. So focking frustrating. I am trying so hard to heal my body, but I was too focked up to do any yoga poses today (did I totally waste my money by joining a gym again—it’s stupid to pay 85 dollars a month when you go to a class and end up laying down for over half the class because your body has no energy whatsoever). Then I came home and was too goddamned tired to do any house cleaning that needs to be done, so I turned on tv to an interesting program about biblical apocryphal writing. I was too drugged to follow the damned program and taped parts of it because I knew my mind wasn’t working (anytime a television program is “too smart” or “complex” for me to follow, I know the brain is drugged. So I awoke from a dream about going to a store to buy something sweet to try to get some energy into my body. I was too drugged up to drive anywhere so I walked to the Flying Star aobut three blocks from me. I didn’t have the energy to walk the three blocks! I had to drag myself there and back, fighting every step of the way for the energy to lift another foot. After a piece of pie and coffee (rare for me to have either, but Im trying so hard to pump up energy), I still have no energy and the eyes just don’t want to stay open. Just wannto close and the body to lay down.
\So now im all depressed, thinking im going to go through another round of psychotropic drugs while these stupidass Christians (and yes, I think I saw another smarmy, smiley type again today) throw every psychotropic pill and poison at me, now that I figured out what is wrong with me. I can’t believe the level of stupidity and self-delusion. I have spent YEARS suffering at their hands and by the grace of God I finally figure out what is going on, and they can’t wait to pile on again!! There is nothing wrong with me, you fockers, except what satanic aliens and their satanic allies (including you, through your own delusion and stupidity) have done to me. There is no way on Earth that I am ever going to willingly enter a patriarchal Christian community again—and that includes any community that does not enter into relationship with me freely. I don’t really think that much of Christians at all, really. The people of faith, the people who have given me love, support, and provided meaning and insight to me over the last seven years are overwhelmingly NOT self-identified Christians. These people, and their (if unknowing) spiritual peers are the ones who I believe will survive the coming apocalypse—at least in a healthy way, not as the delusional, stupid progenitors of the degraded, pathetic “Grays.” It is for these people that I pray and hope to influence and support—if only by writing. More than anything else I long to write, but as always the goddamned Christians make it impossible for me to do anything but drag myself from one chore to another.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

March 30, 2010

I knew TPTB wouldn’t let me enjoy my feeling human again for long. I know now what the situation is—my mind is hacked nearly every night while these satanic aliens and their satanic allies try to sway me to meet their expectations. What do the satanic aliens and their human allies want—a “false prophet” to bring about the power of the New World Order they long for, and “endorsement” as the B5 “Mollari” sought out from the “technomages”. But like the technomages, I know the darkness is coming, and I just long for a place where my knowledge and spirit can be free, uncoerced and unexploited. But, thanks to the SLI, who would not offer me a shred of support or kinship, but sold me out to the powers of evil, in hopes that they could have their needy expectations met, I am in the middle of a web of evil from which I cannot extricate myself, but only endure.

And life is just one endurance of evil after another. I expect to be abducted tonight (I guess hacking into my dreams is not getting the results TPTB crave). I know, because I understand now that I suffer from the godawful, unable-to-function sickness whenever they hope to erase from my mind the horrific violation of body, psyche, and spirit that occurs whenever I am abducted against my will. The B12 vitamin released a period, and I suspect that once again, they will go fishing for viable ova that they can steal and exploit, with no understanding at all of what motherhood is about—and it isn’t about having your ova removed and fertilized into a living being, without permission.

Nor is it about being a passive teat while immature psychological babes fight and claw for nourishment. That is what I dreamed last night—that my breasts were scratched and bloody from my persecutors all demanding and fighting for the teat. It doesn’t matter if it’s the sli, jesuits, opus dei and the catholic church looking for a cardboard saint, political powers looking for an endorsing false prophet, or aliens who have sold their birthright for a “mess of pottage” looking for eggs to perpetuate a dying race. It is the same immature psychology and spirituality which refuses to accept and relate to another in freedom, because they are too spiritually terrified and/or limited to know and own their own freedom and thus, the consequences and responsibility for their own freedom. The whole heresy of patriarchal religion is reducing the status of woman to a spiritual teat of pap. This is the real reason why (spiritually immature) patriarchal men (and women) are terrified of women in authority—they want a teat to administer pap, not the healing and sacraments of ordained authority, or the difficult decisions and determinations of political power. I know this from my own personal experience, having spent years in the Catholic church and from a cross-cultural study of (heavily patriarchal) religions. When I am healthier, (if I am ever healthy), I will write convincingly on this. But for tonight, there is nothing to do but take meds for spasming muscles and prepare for abduction. Let me just say, that we all begin life, needing pap, and it is important for women as mothers to provide that. But when institutions foster a lifelong psychological and spiritual immaturity by keeping women in the role of the “Big Teat” that is severely dysfunctional. Unfortunately that is where this world is at, and that is why I am here, chained to the needs and projections of a multitude of clawing babies who will not grow up and accept responsibility for their own and others’ socio-political and personal freedom, and/or their own pursuit of spiritual salvation.

March 31st

Fouunmd somehting to make me feel better-b12. But goddamned fockers are now shooting me with psychotropics, know because iam full of rage and mood swings. Too sick to open eyes. Cant even watch tv. Cant handlw any images. Focking not in reality burned pans. Nearly left odor wide open. Just not in reality. To make things worse, I got some powertripping psychic/remote viewer getting his rocks off trying to get in my head. In past ive inveighed against white psychics, talking about how for so many of them it is nothing but a power trip—well guess what—black pweretripping psychics are equally repulsive. Does anytbody know how the have the gift of telepathy without being abusive about it? Sure—Indians are the best, Hispanics next, some white people—I think of the psychic cynthia hess that I have seen a couple of times. She is a powerful psychic—but she, like me, understands it is a natureal gift to be respectfully used and shared, not some power tripping tool that gives you power over another human being. Well, motherfockers definitly got power over me. I literally am unable to do anything today. I don’t know if im going to be able to go to dr tomorrow. I can feel my brain stem shutting down.
…day from hell over, mostly spent sleeping. Try to watch tv but images are weird and peoples faces seem evil n leering. I wonder if I am osn lithium again as I find myself with catatonic muscles and stiff head, neck that wont turn. Migraine headache too, cant bear pain. Will take something before trying to sleep. Supposed to go to dr in am. My stomach really huirts. The b12 is messing big time with stomach. I think it is causing too much hcl and worry bout ulcer. Need to go to dr. but I fear that its going to be same old chit I always experience. I don’t know how im going to drive there but gotta do something about tummy. Oh God, I am in such focking pain and misery. On top of that my tummy hurts (eating sometimes helps, but today it doesn’t. I think its getting worse)

April 2nd—Good Friday, but for me, this is no special day of observance—since 1997, my life has been one, long unending crucifixion and today is no different. I would have hoped that my success at figuring out 99% of my medical problems would engender a happier state… Aaaahhh, but I forget, the whole reason that I have suffered under years of medical and government abuse is because my “controllers”, my “handlers”, my “torturers” have no interest in my health at all, but only in psychological/spiritual control and/or extraterrestial experimentation. My guess is, that they will attempt to control my B12 levels through their own system of covert titration and delivery of the vitamin (hell, just throw it in the mix with the other drugs), while the doctor calls me back to tell me that my B12 levels are fine. The one scenario that the torturers cannot allow to develop is one in which I find even a minimum of support or help in any human relationship, whether professional, casual, personal or intimate, except for those that they can control with absolute and complete confidence and jurisdiction. It is imperative for mind control purposes, whether secular or religious, (sadly. Many sick, warped Catholics such as the Jesuits or Opus Dei are more interested in social and mind control than in spiritual relationship through free will) that I be completely isolated, left to feel alone, helpless, and worthless (Catholics would use the term, “sinful). To that end, they pull all these stupidass tricks, tell stupidass lies, and contrive stupidass situations, all of which I can see through, but cannot prevent.

Anyway, despite the B12 breakthrough, I don’t feel any better. I think I am still being given psychotropic drugs over and beyond the heavy metal chit that is transforming my DNA. I just feel so alienated from any emotion whatsoever. The dr. was very nice in a professional sort of way, listening and attentive, but I was too drugged up to respond in kind. That is what drugs like lithium and depakote (if I had to guess, that is what I would choose) do—just alienate me from all emotions, so that I find it too difficult to relate to other people. I have a surefire method for determining whether I am on psychotropic drugs. I watch a dvd of a show that I know intimately and well, which really grabs my attention—most recently, watching reruns of B5. If I just don’t give a fock, and absolutely cannot feel a shred of emotion or empathy for the characters and situations, I am drugged on psychotropics. Right now, I am drugged on psychotropics and it bothers me. I want to be healthy enough to respond and relate to people (the ones that I choose to, not the ones who would control me either through direct coercion or subliminal manipulation of projection). I want to feel emotions, and I am just emotionally flat, dead, and lifeless. And on top of that, when the downloads begin, I come down with a massive migraine. The only reason I have been able to write this is because I took a firional, but I only have about five left. But I thought it was important to write because I am remembering things about Dulce. I was reading about it in the library—I have read about it before, and I believe it is true. What struck me on this reading was the line that some alien species “tamper” with human female hormones so that they can copulate with them. I am giving strong attention to the hypothesis that such indeed is what happened to me, and those hormonal alterations are what has messed up my body so bad, what with the weight gain and digestive problems. As a matter of fact I am wondering if I were abducted last night for tests to be run on, in which case it could happen again tonite, for I am messed up. What if the “evil spirit” that people have mentioned that I have is actually a evil implant—right behind the middle of my forehead. One thing I know for sure, there was a helicoptor hovering over my house when I got home tonight. Some remote viewer/psychic was wanting to know what I gleaned from that article on Dulce. Nothing new, really—I knew this stuff from along time ago. See assholes—if you wanted to know, all you had to was ask…you don’t need to drug me or mind probe me or let my body deteriorate with sick medical problems. All you have to do is treat me like a human being. Sigh, clearly that is too much to ask. But I am a human being and that I will insist upon, even if I never am treated like a human being again.


April 3, 2010—Trying to talk myself into doing yoga. I signed up for the gym yesterday to try to get my body in some kind of reasonable shape. Very depressing yesterday to finally get an accurate weight reading—over 214 pounds. Yep, a personal best!
Disgusting, but I have been so sick I havent been able to move. Even now, though I am being given B12, TPTB have stepped up the goddamned DNA destroying drugs (don’t kid yourself assholes, you are not transforming or building a new DNA for me—against my will, you are DESTROYING my DNA—and I fight and despise you with every ounce of my will and breath—get one of your goddamned psychics to read that). Thanks to their stepped up efforts, every muscle in my body is weak and sometimes downright spasming. Even typing this is causing my weak forearms to die. So how can I do yoga? People have no idea how physically demanding yoga really is. If I can hardly bear to type, how can I hold a pushup position for over a minute? Try to shake—maybe that will help…