feeling hopeless

feeling hopeless--must be on psychotropics because i am suicidal. want to cut my arms to ribbons, blow brains out. DIE DIE DIE so i dont have to suffer this shit anymore. too fucked up to go to work. im sick of tired of living off mother. maybe i goto bosque and die and let the motherfuckers pick me up and jail me. or institutionalize me . i dont care anymore my life is so fucked up miserable and hateful id ont fucking care. sould have realize d something worng when i couldnt rad. so happy to get internet hooked up, so many things i need to read, but body brain cant absorb info make thoughts concntions. iam tired of struggling hard so hard to be human just to have thes goddamned assholes chop my legs ad suck my life out of me everytime. body is wrecked. forced myself to go yoga yesterday and someohow got thru a class so fucked up couldnt keep eyes open. today yoga is impossible. will not drive like this. went to library to post older posts so could keep continuit you of documentaray history. one mile to far to drive like this. eve worse body is dead and unresponsive. urine smells like bleach again. in terible pain on righ t thight. excess fluid has caused the muscle to pop out of pelvic girldle again. barely able to shuffle lgs and feet. worse part is the fucking blasted psychotic mind. no in reality. tired of it all gd, tired of it all. vry soon of quiting the whole goddamned struglle.