Monday, April 19, 2010

April 12th—early am.
Never ending schit. I am so focking sick of being drugged. My body needs to heal. My brain needs to heal. I need my wits about me, as my own mother ajnd her husband have plans to drug me, and I still have to put up with psychotropic schit that keeps me awake, makes it impossible to read (decide to finally give it up), and just steals all energy away. I woke up feeling like schit an went to yoga, where I couldbarely move. I tried my best, while my instructor asked me what was wrong and what could I tell her, that my torso was practically catatonic. I went to library tried to read but couldn’t concentrate, went to gym to work out and even tho body felt like it didn’t want move I could work out, best I felt all day. Came home cooked, ate, and was getting ready to wash disshes wehne it hit like a ton of brick (may be in cod liver oil—toosick right now to figure out)—drugged, too sick to move, to sick to read to sick to do anything. Too sick to sleep. I recognize the same focked up schitty feeling from last nite when I coundnt read, sleep or dream. I am on some stupid schit, and it is making me miserable. I should have known when I sawa all those dead cockroaches—they come when the porch is sprayed with sticky stuff on which the goddamned focking piesces of schit put their dope. Is it lithium? Like with lithium I cant sleep, brain waves happen, body is catatonic tho not as much as before but I am full of rage. Lithium doesn’t make me full of rage—other spcychotropics do that. Don’t know. Need to try to sleep with all this shcit im me.


Monday nite…Goddamn it, am I on lithium again? I wonder, because my household scale, which I finally calibrated a week ago, says that I am gaining weight—2-3 pounds to be exact. After years of medical abuse and force feeding of lithium, I know the rule by heart—“when I gain a pound a day”, I am on lithium. I need to get to the gym to weigh myself to confirm, but it does seem that is what is happening. I am too sick to go to the gym to work out, too sick to do much of anything, but I need to force myself to go weigh myself to confirm depressing news. What a waste of money. I spent 2 months fees--$135 for a weight scale. Yoga is out of the question. That is another reason I think I am on lithium. The catatonia I experienced in my torso on Sunday has now gotten to my lower lats and I am experiencing real pain from those locked up, utterly seized muscles. I remember very well when that first started happening when I was seeing that stupid doctor in Corrales. I was in pretty good shape then and could clearly recognize that something was going wrong. Now I am in total schit shape, and I only feel in gradations of bad, worse, and nonfunctional. I am functional, still moving, but it is getting worse. I am also experiencing the tetany of the neck I experience ever time I am on lithium. Even now, hurts to turn the head. . Hard to drive when the brain gives a command to turn head to look, and the body cannot complete the command. Even hard to turn head just to see my range of motion—not very good. Then there is the memory problems. I keep forgetting what I am doing, forgetting what I went into room for, what I wnet to store for, what to check on internet. My memory is already shot, fried, permanently destroyed by the damage done by lithium years ago. When I learned a few days ago I had vitamin d deficiency, I remembered my complaint to doctors that I thought I had a bad parathyroid. I think vitamin d deficiency related to that. But funny thing was, that tho I have spent hours researching my own medical problems, I cant remember any of them. At one time, they were in my head, and I was constantly referring to them, thinking on them, rearranging facts and hypothesis. Before the lithium, they would have been at my complete and utter recall. Now, they are all gone, totally, completely. My long term memory which used to be so outstanding is now destroyed. The only memory that stays intact are images (which is why I can still remember movies, shows and books), but facts, dates, names, mental records and hypotheses—those are all gone. For someone of my once prodigious memory abilities, it is a painful, irrevocable loss. Now, in addition to that long term memory loss, I experience acute short term memory loss. I find myself driving and don’t know how I got there or where I planned to go (again, this happened with lithium the first time). I put a coupon in my purse before I leave my truck to enter the grocery, then forget to give the clerk the coupon for the item—and the only reason I bought the item was to use the coupon!!

Did find something little interesting today tho’ watched part of stupid movie, Invasion which was about an alien virus which takes over body and mind, aactivating while the human host sleeps. Idea is not stupid, just way it played out. But interesting thought was that brain swelling (A.D,E.M.?) granted immunity from the virus because people who have had swelling of brain have their neurons rewired to work differently sovirus can’t activate. I wonder if this is what is happening with me. I know that I have had swelling of brain before abductions began—again, I think it related to brain inflammation experienced by many autistics. Maybe it was gift in disguise. Because the goddamned aliens want so desperately to channel thru me, and so far I can shut them out. Their agenda is just to use me as a “false prophet.” I won’t go along. Neither will I cooperate with an agenda in which people use psychic powers and gifts as a powertripping tool to aggrandize a psychologically and spiritually immature ego and/or agenda. So I am SOL—nothing to do but suffer psychoropic assault after psychtoropic assalut.

The other possiblity is that the B12 (I don’t think the extra vitamin D has kicked in yet) has allowed them to up the amplitude and download of their virus, and I am just recognizing it. But then how about the weight gain, incredibly dry mouth and the constant nausea I hav experienced all day? I don’t know. I just know this was a day from hell, and I see no end in sight to this hellish nitemare that is my lfife. OMG, as I finished writing I lifted my arms and felt the pain of a locked, catatonic ribcage—this is lithium. Focking goddamned pigs have put that goddamned schit in me again, even tho they know it is pure poison to my body.

Early am—defintely lithium. Thought I was having the brain rushes associated with lithium for past two nites. Tonite clear. Getting worse. Same old schit. Brain rush starts in brain and then carries through like an electrical jolt thru my entire body. If I am lucky I can shake. If unlucky, the body jerks and shake in involuntary convulsion. Impossible to sleep with these brain rushes. Body cannot rest with the elecrical jolts occuring every few minutes. Only thing that helps is vicodin or alcohol—losts of alcohol. Lready took three tylenol pm, absoultely worthless, now I got to dampen my hypersensitized cns by adding major alcohol. I cannot believe these goddamened morons. Actually I can—they are satanists and/or heretical catholic patriarchs desperate to noose me by a hangman’s rope to their agenda. Sorry to spoil your party. I serve Christ, and I neither know nor respect your unholy coercion and agenda. Unfortunately, my life is destroyed by them as well. Just want to sleep but wont happen till I can kill cns.

April 14th
Another nite of brain rushes, though I fell asleep around 3:30 after vodka and benadryl. I don’t think I am on lithium now, but I think that either I am on something else or that the intrinsic factor needs to be increased. I have had a bellyache all day which increased after eating a hamburger patty for breakfast. I am all bloated out again. I think that my protein needs may be increasing as I find myself able to really work out for the first time since the lithium abuse began 6 years. For years, I have been working out, but I am not really “feeling it” or “pushing it”. I have just gone through the motions, lifting dead legs, feeling like my body is practically a dead corpse, knowing that I have neither strength nor energy. Today, for the first time in years, I feel sore after working out, and I know, I can literally feel that my muscles are being built up. It’s a good feeling. My poor body—so devastated after years of abuse….But the consequent of this ability to really “work it,” is that I am requiring more protein, which I believe is a healthy side effect. I am suspecting that the intrinsic factor my torturers have dosed out to me is not sufficient to handle the extra protein. All I know is that I have got a stomachache, my belly is severely bloated, and I have an unusual (though I have had it before) smell to my urine. I wonder if the protein that I can’t break down and use because of lack of intrinsic factor is causing amino acid excretion through the urine. At least I no longer am smelling the ketoacidosis in my urine that I used to experience once or twice a week for the last couple of years. Very frustrating because I knew every time that I smelled it, that my body was being nutrient-starved and was eating its own muscle. It will take a while to become healthy again. Because I am treated like a lab rat instead of a human (all the better to control and manipulate you, my dear), I cannot increase the dosage of intrinsic factor as needed. So goddamned frustrating not to—I wish all I suffered from was a simple B12 deficiency. As it is, it will do no good to take a B12 hit—my body can’t use it right now, and it will stay in my gut and cause my bellyache to be worse…
April 15, 2010
Another lost day—not only nonfunctional, but in severe muscle pain. Even my spinal vertebra hurt and are tender. This tells me that all the spasemed muscles I feel in back and even in my chest are not psychosomatic. Think I firgured it out. Think these torturers try to rape my chakra points with energy overload so their luciferian allies can plug into my own body and brain. Because my body cant handle the energy overload, they build up, stagnate and cause pain and muscle spasms. If I were healthy, or even fucntional I would try to dissipate and rerouute the energy overload by shaking but I am too sick to shake. My entire musclulo skeletal systm hurts. Took a robaxin try to relax these muscles and spine. I hope the bad guys arent getting upperhand. Too sick to drive to library and even if I could too much back pain to sit upright for three hours. Don’t know though. Can learn nothing from the proganda mills that is tv news. All I can do is pray the nitemare ends.

April 16, 2010—Exhausted and limp after two days of straightup hell. Body is so tired and wrung out. More than anything else, I want to spend the day lying in bed to try to recuperate from the nightmarish previous two days. But I have learned that these respites from torture are not to be taken for granted. Anytime, the torture could begin again, and I have to make sure that my fridge is stocked, house is clean, and do some web browsing because tomorrow (or even this afternoon it could begin again).


I don’t know if I have been virus bombed with extremely high dosage of virus download or if another psychotropic flaveor was added to the mix. I just know I have been barely able to move for two days, that my optic nerve cannot handle the pressure of the added brain fluid (and just when I was beginning to hope that my right eye was safe from all that cranial pressure), and that even my guts are messed up. Depressed to be in this slave’s body—wish to God I were a free woman again.

April 17, 2010—No sooner do I accept a job at graveyard shift, then TPTB change direction and do a virus download that had me screaming in pain (and this at about 10 pm at night), taking 3 tylenol pm and going to sleep until I woke up this morning with a severely dry mouth, weak arms and legs, and tenderness and pain in the right side of my head. There is a difference in the pain—it is on the right side now, and throbbing, pulsating with pain deep within, whereas usually it is on the left. I have been begging for sleep the last few days, taking everything I got to try to get to sleep at 3, 4, or 5 in the morning. Now that I decide to take a job that has me staying up all night, they send a download that has me screaming in pain, and falling asleep within a half hour. Now, I can’t help but second guess my decision. Is it possible for me to work a totally different and demanding schedule (graveyard) when I am so weak and vulnerable physically to these never ending virus downloads and drugs. When this schit first started, I suffered greatly, trying to hold a job and stay alive with all the poison affecting my body. But then, my body was in great condition and I could force myself to get up and go to work (I also had a great shift—10 to 7 pm), then struggle to find a place to sleep where the lithium wouldn’t affect me. This was mostly ineffective and hugely expensive, and I piled debits onto my credit cards, as I went from hotel to hotel, night after night, but I believe that extra effort is why I am not a catatonic vegetable or dead and long buried now. While I truly believe that I am capable of working, I have to wonder if I can handle any shift other than swing shift, even if it is just a 2-month temporary job with the census. So the question becomes, “should I even try to work this job (when it begins in a week), or should I try to hold out for a different shift (nothing there yet, but just hope and wait). This is the question I have to answer within the next couple of days….

April 18th—Severely autistic today. On some kind of drug that has me totally focked up. Visited the computer guy today to pick up computer and talked briefly with wife and sdaughter, but felt something I hadnt felt in years—extreme social awkwardness and inability to converse. Now that I think about it, irecognized it after yoga. I spent years learning how to be sociable and interactive with people, FOCKING YEARS, and nights of prayer, and the focking goddamned assholes can undo all the work with their godda,med chemicals. So messed up couldn’t understand what Mike (computer guy) told me, was going out of mind at library, couldn’t stand the crowns or the noise. Stepped outside and I was going crazy listening to door open again and again, birds wings flapping, cars going by. Thought I was going out of mind with not being able to stop neverending noise. How am I going to be able to work like this? Maybe that is the point—make it impossible for me to work. Right now not in reality enough to work. Unable to be around relate to people. Cant even watch tv—it is nba playoffs but not only can I not stand to see cars whizzing by while I drivce, I cannot bear to watch athletes move on tv—brain too focked up to take it in. tonite would be a good day to work out on treadmill, try to lose weiht while I watch a game. Too sick to watch , too sick to move. Got things to do, house to clean, need to shop. Too focked up to do nayithing. Don’t know how this is going to work. No way I can work with my eyes this messed up—literally can’t read. Tried to read a book I started. Literate writer, Harold Bloom but I am an excellent reader. Made no sense whatsoever. Brain not fucntioning atr all

April 19, 2010
Yanked from one psychotropic drug to another. Goddamned Christians pulling this schit. Not enough that they have stolen over 10 years of my life from me—they still want to own/control me and in process not only stealing my self identity, free choice and self determination, but also more time of my life. Yesterday was nearly a complete wash. Realized finally I was being force fed risperdal, while I watched a game thru slitted eyes, with long pauses of shut eyes, unable to feel much of anything except the dull anger that I recognize in other autistics. Woke up feeling the same goddamned way. Feel like schit, angry, enervated, lifeless. Too sick to drink coffee. Drinking tea, but already I wish the goddamned day was over and it hasn’t even started. Yep, I think I am on risperdol. Last night I dreamed I was going to yoga class but I realized I was too sick and went to hospital instead where somebody outfitted me with hospital gown. I had hoped to do yoga every day for a week, but already this mornign I can tell I am too sick to do any kind of exercise. Unable to do yoga when I am on risperdal. Nothing new about that. Been here before. Too bad my body needs to heal but I have a bunch of goddamned Cristian fanatics destroying my life with their goddamned stupidity, arrogance, adm drugs—that is okay motherfockers—you have only done it for years. Keep believing your godamned schit. Keep pumping me full of drugs. I don’t give a schit. My life hasn’t belonged to me for years anyway.. Just overwhelmed with every thing I have to do , too sick to do anything. Have no energy no life, no ability to move. Catn even listen to music (another surefire symptom of risperdol—I remember from before how much I could not bear listening to any music when I am on this drug. Every sound makes me surlier and angrier. This is truly a drug that increases autism. How am I to start a job this way. Impossible. Cant even walk the few blocks to get to job. My eyes all messed up. Have been wanting to set an appt with Dr Huaman to see how bad eyes r, yesterday broke my glasses. Dr. Huaman is the only dr. that seemed to have any idea on how to approach and diagnose my condition. Years ago she told me that I needed a ”full metabolic workup” done, but of course, she couldt order it, so the methodical scientific methodology and approach was never done (doctors I went to were “told” my diagnosis, so they never investigated and my vitamain deficiencies when untreated for years longer. She is one of the few people that I really care about being my true self around, so this recent round of drugging scratches my idea to get an eye exam this week. I most definitely am not myself. I am a drugged up, autistic, angry, miserable zombie who is barely able to function, unable to exercise, read or enjoy music. Oh what a great opus dei member I would make!! Cant wait. Give me a whip to flagellate myself and rats ring to kiss. You stupid focking assholes. Going to be a schitty, lousy day. Already dragging.

Later, after sleeping over four hours (after an 8 hour sleep last night). NO longer suspecting risperdol. Eyes can open. It’s just that I have a headache now that doesn’t want them to open. Instead I notice that face is grotesquely swollen, along with my ankles. I can have so much fluid in head that my face is swollen beyond belief. I have never NEVER seen my face this swollen. Not only do I have the swollen jowls pulling down the corners of my mouth from my once trademark smile, to lined frown, but even my chin is puffy with fluid. I do not know if this is the result of the risperdol in my system or increased virus download. I do know that I had a dream in the last four hours that I interpret as being given an order by “zombie” (literally) religious types (priests in clerical garb) to commit suicide. I am wondering, after reading a post from a couple of days agao, if I have been pre-programmed, under mental hypnosis, during some of my abductions, or maybe from a previous incarnation, to commit suicide if “I fail, “ that is, do not follow the commands of my tormentors. Well I wont commit suicide. But I surely am not living a life worht living.
A little later after remembering where the quote, “Time to die” comes from—the movie “Blade Runner”—maybe the dream is telling me that the zombie hold on me is nearly at an end—unable to think too much. Am very drugged up, cant concentrate well.

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