March 30, 2010

I knew TPTB wouldn’t let me enjoy my feeling human again for long. I know now what the situation is—my mind is hacked nearly every night while these satanic aliens and their satanic allies try to sway me to meet their expectations. What do the satanic aliens and their human allies want—a “false prophet” to bring about the power of the New World Order they long for, and “endorsement” as the B5 “Mollari” sought out from the “technomages”. But like the technomages, I know the darkness is coming, and I just long for a place where my knowledge and spirit can be free, uncoerced and unexploited. But, thanks to the SLI, who would not offer me a shred of support or kinship, but sold me out to the powers of evil, in hopes that they could have their needy expectations met, I am in the middle of a web of evil from which I cannot extricate myself, but only endure.

And life is just one endurance of evil after another. I expect to be abducted tonight (I guess hacking into my dreams is not getting the results TPTB crave). I know, because I understand now that I suffer from the godawful, unable-to-function sickness whenever they hope to erase from my mind the horrific violation of body, psyche, and spirit that occurs whenever I am abducted against my will. The B12 vitamin released a period, and I suspect that once again, they will go fishing for viable ova that they can steal and exploit, with no understanding at all of what motherhood is about—and it isn’t about having your ova removed and fertilized into a living being, without permission.

Nor is it about being a passive teat while immature psychological babes fight and claw for nourishment. That is what I dreamed last night—that my breasts were scratched and bloody from my persecutors all demanding and fighting for the teat. It doesn’t matter if it’s the sli, jesuits, opus dei and the catholic church looking for a cardboard saint, political powers looking for an endorsing false prophet, or aliens who have sold their birthright for a “mess of pottage” looking for eggs to perpetuate a dying race. It is the same immature psychology and spirituality which refuses to accept and relate to another in freedom, because they are too spiritually terrified and/or limited to know and own their own freedom and thus, the consequences and responsibility for their own freedom. The whole heresy of patriarchal religion is reducing the status of woman to a spiritual teat of pap. This is the real reason why (spiritually immature) patriarchal men (and women) are terrified of women in authority—they want a teat to administer pap, not the healing and sacraments of ordained authority, or the difficult decisions and determinations of political power. I know this from my own personal experience, having spent years in the Catholic church and from a cross-cultural study of (heavily patriarchal) religions. When I am healthier, (if I am ever healthy), I will write convincingly on this. But for tonight, there is nothing to do but take meds for spasming muscles and prepare for abduction. Let me just say, that we all begin life, needing pap, and it is important for women as mothers to provide that. But when institutions foster a lifelong psychological and spiritual immaturity by keeping women in the role of the “Big Teat” that is severely dysfunctional. Unfortunately that is where this world is at, and that is why I am here, chained to the needs and projections of a multitude of clawing babies who will not grow up and accept responsibility for their own and others’ socio-political and personal freedom, and/or their own pursuit of spiritual salvation.

March 31st

Fouunmd somehting to make me feel better-b12. But goddamned fockers are now shooting me with psychotropics, know because iam full of rage and mood swings. Too sick to open eyes. Cant even watch tv. Cant handlw any images. Focking not in reality burned pans. Nearly left odor wide open. Just not in reality. To make things worse, I got some powertripping psychic/remote viewer getting his rocks off trying to get in my head. In past ive inveighed against white psychics, talking about how for so many of them it is nothing but a power trip—well guess what—black pweretripping psychics are equally repulsive. Does anytbody know how the have the gift of telepathy without being abusive about it? Sure—Indians are the best, Hispanics next, some white people—I think of the psychic cynthia hess that I have seen a couple of times. She is a powerful psychic—but she, like me, understands it is a natureal gift to be respectfully used and shared, not some power tripping tool that gives you power over another human being. Well, motherfockers definitly got power over me. I literally am unable to do anything today. I don’t know if im going to be able to go to dr tomorrow. I can feel my brain stem shutting down.
…day from hell over, mostly spent sleeping. Try to watch tv but images are weird and peoples faces seem evil n leering. I wonder if I am osn lithium again as I find myself with catatonic muscles and stiff head, neck that wont turn. Migraine headache too, cant bear pain. Will take something before trying to sleep. Supposed to go to dr in am. My stomach really huirts. The b12 is messing big time with stomach. I think it is causing too much hcl and worry bout ulcer. Need to go to dr. but I fear that its going to be same old chit I always experience. I don’t know how im going to drive there but gotta do something about tummy. Oh God, I am in such focking pain and misery. On top of that my tummy hurts (eating sometimes helps, but today it doesn’t. I think its getting worse)

April 2nd—Good Friday, but for me, this is no special day of observance—since 1997, my life has been one, long unending crucifixion and today is no different. I would have hoped that my success at figuring out 99% of my medical problems would engender a happier state… Aaaahhh, but I forget, the whole reason that I have suffered under years of medical and government abuse is because my “controllers”, my “handlers”, my “torturers” have no interest in my health at all, but only in psychological/spiritual control and/or extraterrestial experimentation. My guess is, that they will attempt to control my B12 levels through their own system of covert titration and delivery of the vitamin (hell, just throw it in the mix with the other drugs), while the doctor calls me back to tell me that my B12 levels are fine. The one scenario that the torturers cannot allow to develop is one in which I find even a minimum of support or help in any human relationship, whether professional, casual, personal or intimate, except for those that they can control with absolute and complete confidence and jurisdiction. It is imperative for mind control purposes, whether secular or religious, (sadly. Many sick, warped Catholics such as the Jesuits or Opus Dei are more interested in social and mind control than in spiritual relationship through free will) that I be completely isolated, left to feel alone, helpless, and worthless (Catholics would use the term, “sinful). To that end, they pull all these stupidass tricks, tell stupidass lies, and contrive stupidass situations, all of which I can see through, but cannot prevent.

Anyway, despite the B12 breakthrough, I don’t feel any better. I think I am still being given psychotropic drugs over and beyond the heavy metal chit that is transforming my DNA. I just feel so alienated from any emotion whatsoever. The dr. was very nice in a professional sort of way, listening and attentive, but I was too drugged up to respond in kind. That is what drugs like lithium and depakote (if I had to guess, that is what I would choose) do—just alienate me from all emotions, so that I find it too difficult to relate to other people. I have a surefire method for determining whether I am on psychotropic drugs. I watch a dvd of a show that I know intimately and well, which really grabs my attention—most recently, watching reruns of B5. If I just don’t give a fock, and absolutely cannot feel a shred of emotion or empathy for the characters and situations, I am drugged on psychotropics. Right now, I am drugged on psychotropics and it bothers me. I want to be healthy enough to respond and relate to people (the ones that I choose to, not the ones who would control me either through direct coercion or subliminal manipulation of projection). I want to feel emotions, and I am just emotionally flat, dead, and lifeless. And on top of that, when the downloads begin, I come down with a massive migraine. The only reason I have been able to write this is because I took a firional, but I only have about five left. But I thought it was important to write because I am remembering things about Dulce. I was reading about it in the library—I have read about it before, and I believe it is true. What struck me on this reading was the line that some alien species “tamper” with human female hormones so that they can copulate with them. I am giving strong attention to the hypothesis that such indeed is what happened to me, and those hormonal alterations are what has messed up my body so bad, what with the weight gain and digestive problems. As a matter of fact I am wondering if I were abducted last night for tests to be run on, in which case it could happen again tonite, for I am messed up. What if the “evil spirit” that people have mentioned that I have is actually a evil implant—right behind the middle of my forehead. One thing I know for sure, there was a helicoptor hovering over my house when I got home tonight. Some remote viewer/psychic was wanting to know what I gleaned from that article on Dulce. Nothing new, really—I knew this stuff from along time ago. See assholes—if you wanted to know, all you had to was ask…you don’t need to drug me or mind probe me or let my body deteriorate with sick medical problems. All you have to do is treat me like a human being. Sigh, clearly that is too much to ask. But I am a human being and that I will insist upon, even if I never am treated like a human being again.


April 3, 2010—Trying to talk myself into doing yoga. I signed up for the gym yesterday to try to get my body in some kind of reasonable shape. Very depressing yesterday to finally get an accurate weight reading—over 214 pounds. Yep, a personal best!
Disgusting, but I have been so sick I havent been able to move. Even now, though I am being given B12, TPTB have stepped up the goddamned DNA destroying drugs (don’t kid yourself assholes, you are not transforming or building a new DNA for me—against my will, you are DESTROYING my DNA—and I fight and despise you with every ounce of my will and breath—get one of your goddamned psychics to read that). Thanks to their stepped up efforts, every muscle in my body is weak and sometimes downright spasming. Even typing this is causing my weak forearms to die. So how can I do yoga? People have no idea how physically demanding yoga really is. If I can hardly bear to type, how can I hold a pushup position for over a minute? Try to shake—maybe that will help…