APRIL 24


FUCKING GODDAMNED ASSHOLE PIGS--on day i am supposed to start work, they fucking drug me so bad, i can barely move. There is no way i can work like ths. I nearly got killed on freeway earlier. Not only not in reality, but so autistic cant judge cars. too sick to drive. too sick to bike. as fucked up as i am rightnow, someone would try to roll me over for bike. hurts to open eyes. cant think. no energy to do anything. to walk, to cook, to do chores, i supose this is is their great idea to sabotage me. Maybe they are pissed off because augusta is talking to me. who know. I am too goddamned sick to talk to her, to talk to anybody. Need to make airline res but to sick to talk to mom or fam. no way in hell i can begin a new job as fucked up as i am. i am on some kind of psychotropic medication. I cant even bear to watch images rolling on computer. it is only spychotropics that mess up my visual percietion like that. snithced on the young tech who came to my house drinking heavily at 9 in morning. Poor guy was drugged up/depressed by the alcohol he was imbibing on the job. he wasnt in reality, wasnt sharp wasnt engaging life. What a fool or probrecito. i would do anything to be able to engage life, instead of being wrapped up in a psychotic cocoon of unreality and feeling like shit. I hope he at least learns how to live life. God knows when i will be able to.

April 26---drugging continues—last nite right before I went to work I got the download. Literally makes me nauseaous, swells out my body so bad. Tonite it happened right before I went to yoga. So fucked up not in reality. Severely autisitic—had to drive home barely able to open eyes. Cant standor process stimuli. Severe pain. Legs arms face so heavy with fluid. Even now my head feels like it weighs an extra 10 pounds, cant hold it becayse if excss flud, Excell fluid everywhere. gead gyrtubg ib ruggt sude, Urine smells like Clorox bleach. Feet are tender—the tenderness I experience when my organs r poisoned—I am feeling the soreness of the organ points my in my feet. Poor body. Why do fockers do this? Is it to discredit me—to have people think I am fucking sychotic? If so they are succeeding. I don’t give a shit. I realized a long time ago that I have a very small number of people that I can not only depend on for natural human support, or spiritual discernment, but also a very small number of people that have a modicum of common sense. I am reminded of the psych experiment where the experimiters told the subjects that they were to inflict pain by torture, but that really no one would feel pain---too fucked up to continue. Arms cant type, fingers arthritic, head fucked up. Gotta go to work fuck up like this