April 4, 2010

I can’t believe it. The goddamned Christians won’t get off my focking tit. It’s not enough that the sons of bitches nearly killed me with their drugs, that they have destroyed my health and my body and destroyed over 7 years of my life with their goddamned drugs. They still are at it!! Even as I write I'’ focked up on some kind of drugs. So focking frustrating. I am trying so hard to heal my body, but I was too focked up to do any yoga poses today (did I totally waste my money by joining a gym again—it’s stupid to pay 85 dollars a month when you go to a class and end up laying down for over half the class because your body has no energy whatsoever). Then I came home and was too goddamned tired to do any house cleaning that needs to be done, so I turned on tv to an interesting program about biblical apocryphal writing. I was too drugged to follow the damned program and taped parts of it because I knew my mind wasn’t working (anytime a television program is “too smart” or “complex” for me to follow, I know the brain is drugged. So I awoke from a dream about going to a store to buy something sweet to try to get some energy into my body. I was too drugged up to drive anywhere so I walked to the Flying Star aobut three blocks from me. I didn’t have the energy to walk the three blocks! I had to drag myself there and back, fighting every step of the way for the energy to lift another foot. After a piece of pie and coffee (rare for me to have either, but Im trying so hard to pump up energy), I still have no energy and the eyes just don’t want to stay open. Just wannto close and the body to lay down.
\So now im all depressed, thinking im going to go through another round of psychotropic drugs while these stupidass Christians (and yes, I think I saw another smarmy, smiley type again today) throw every psychotropic pill and poison at me, now that I figured out what is wrong with me. I can’t believe the level of stupidity and self-delusion. I have spent YEARS suffering at their hands and by the grace of God I finally figure out what is going on, and they can’t wait to pile on again!! There is nothing wrong with me, you fockers, except what satanic aliens and their satanic allies (including you, through your own delusion and stupidity) have done to me. There is no way on Earth that I am ever going to willingly enter a patriarchal Christian community again—and that includes any community that does not enter into relationship with me freely. I don’t really think that much of Christians at all, really. The people of faith, the people who have given me love, support, and provided meaning and insight to me over the last seven years are overwhelmingly NOT self-identified Christians. These people, and their (if unknowing) spiritual peers are the ones who I believe will survive the coming apocalypse—at least in a healthy way, not as the delusional, stupid progenitors of the degraded, pathetic “Grays.” It is for these people that I pray and hope to influence and support—if only by writing. More than anything else I long to write, but as always the goddamned Christians make it impossible for me to do anything but drag myself from one chore to another.