Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Lithium? Definitely

April 12th—early am.
Never ending schit. I am so focking sick of being drugged. My body needs to heal. My brain needs to heal. I need my wits about me, as my own mother ajnd her husband have plans to drug me, and I still have to put up with psychotropic schit that keeps me awake, makes it impossible to read (decide to finally give it up), and just steals all energy away. I woke up feeling like schit an went to yoga, where I couldbarely move. I tried my best, while my instructor asked me what was wrong and what could I tell her, that my torso was practically catatonic. I went to library tried to read but couldn’t concentrate, went to gym to work out and even tho body felt like it didn’t want move I could work out, best I felt all day. Came home cooked, ate, and was getting ready to wash disshes wehne it hit like a ton of brick (may be in cod liver oil—toosick right now to figure out)—drugged, too sick to move, to sick to read to sick to do anything. Too sick to sleep. I recognize the same focked up schitty feeling from last nite when I coundnt read, sleep or dream. I am on some stupid schit, and it is making me miserable. I should have known when I sawa all those dead cockroaches—they come when the porch is sprayed with sticky stuff on which the goddamned focking piesces of schit put their dope. Is it lithium? Like with lithium I cant sleep, brain waves happen, body is catatonic tho not as much as before but I am full of rage. Lithium doesn’t make me full of rage—other spcychotropics do that. Don’t know. Need to try to sleep with all this shcit im me.


Monday nite…Goddamn it, am I on lithium again? I wonder, because my household scale, which I finally calibrated a week ago, says that I am gaining weight—2-3 pounds to be exact. After years of medical abuse and force feeding of lithium, I know the rule by heart—“when I gain a pound a day”, I am on lithium. I need to get to the gym to weigh myself to confirm, but it does seem that is what is happening. I am too sick to go to the gym to work out, too sick to do much of anything, but I need to force myself to go weigh myself to confirm depressing news. What a waste of money. I spent 2 months fees--$135 for a weight scale. Yoga is out of the question. That is another reason I think I am on lithium. The catatonia I experienced in my torso on Sunday has now gotten to my lower lats and I am experiencing real pain from those locked up, utterly seized muscles. I remember very well when that first started happening when I was seeing that stupid doctor in Corrales. I was in pretty good shape then and could clearly recognize that something was going wrong. Now I am in total schit shape, and I only feel in gradations of bad, worse, and nonfunctional. I am functional, still moving, but it is getting worse. I am also experiencing the tetany of the neck I experience ever time I am on lithium. Even now, hurts to turn the head. . Hard to drive when the brain gives a command to turn head to look, and the body cannot complete the command. Even hard to turn head just to see my range of motion—not very good. Then there is the memory problems. I keep forgetting what I am doing, forgetting what I went into room for, what I wnet to store for, what to check on internet. My memory is already shot, fried, permanently destroyed by the damage done by lithium years ago. When I learned a few days ago I had vitamin d deficiency, I remembered my complaint to doctors that I thought I had a bad parathyroid. I think vitamin d deficiency related to that. But funny thing was, that tho I have spent hours researching my own medical problems, I cant remember any of them. At one time, they were in my head, and I was constantly referring to them, thinking on them, rearranging facts and hypothesis. Before the lithium, they would have been at my complete and utter recall. Now, they are all gone, totally, completely. My long term memory which used to be so outstanding is now destroyed. The only memory that stays intact are images (which is why I can still remember movies, shows and books), but facts, dates, names, mental records and hypotheses—those are all gone. For someone of my once prodigious memory abilities, it is a painful, irrevocable loss. Now, in addition to that long term memory loss, I experience acute short term memory loss. I find myself driving and don’t know how I got there or where I planned to go (again, this happened with lithium the first time). I put a coupon in my purse before I leave my truck to enter the grocery, then forget to give the clerk the coupon for the item—and the only reason I bought the item was to use the coupon!!

Did find something little interesting today tho’ watched part of stupid movie, Invasion which was about an alien virus which takes over body and mind, aactivating while the human host sleeps. Idea is not stupid, just way it played out. But interesting thought was that brain swelling (A.D,E.M.?) granted immunity from the virus because people who have had swelling of brain have their neurons rewired to work differently sovirus can’t activate. I wonder if this is what is happening with me. I know that I have had swelling of brain before abductions began—again, I think it related to brain inflammation experienced by many autistics. Maybe it was gift in disguise. Because the goddamned aliens want so desperately to channel thru me, and so far I can shut them out. Their agenda is just to use me as a “false prophet.” I won’t go along. Neither will I cooperate with an agenda in which people use psychic powers and gifts as a powertripping tool to aggrandize a psychologically and spiritually immature ego and/or agenda. So I am SOL—nothing to do but suffer psychoropic assault after psychtoropic assalut.

The other possiblity is that the B12 (I don’t think the extra vitamin D has kicked in yet) has allowed them to up the amplitude and download of their virus, and I am just recognizing it. But then how about the weight gain, incredibly dry mouth and the constant nausea I hav experienced all day? I don’t know. I just know this was a day from hell, and I see no end in sight to this hellish nitemare that is my lfife. OMG, as I finished writing I lifted my arms and felt the pain of a locked, catatonic ribcage—this is lithium. Focking goddamned pigs have put that goddamned schit in me again, even tho they know it is pure poison to my body.

Early am—defintely lithium. Thought I was having the brain rushes associated with lithium for past two nites. Tonite clear. Getting worse. Same old schit. Brain rush starts in brain and then carries through like an electrical jolt thru my entire body. If I am lucky I can shake. If unlucky, the body jerks and shake in involuntary convulsion. Impossible to sleep with these brain rushes. Body cannot rest with the elecrical jolts occuring every few minutes. Only thing that helps is vicodin or alcohol—losts of alcohol. Lready took three tylenol pm, absoultely worthless, now I got to dampen my hypersensitized cns by adding major alcohol. I cannot believe these goddamened morons. Actually I can—they are satanists and/or heretical catholic patriarchs desperate to noose me by a hangman’s rope to their agenda. Sorry to spoil your party. I serve Christ, and I neither know nor respect your unholy coercion and agenda. Unfortunately, my life is destroyed by them as well. Just want to sleep but wont happen till I can kill cns.

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