Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Drugged to the point of psychosis

Drugged to the point of psychosis. Didnt take TPTB (the religious zealots)long to start another round of drugging. I don't know what I am on, but I know that it is completely draining my energy, my vitality, my joy, my ability to concentrate on, and interact with, reality. I am struggling to go to work, execise and function. When I was normal with my natural high energy, I found that I was able to clean house much better, able to attempt to go to the gym every day, able to learn and perform rapidly at work and interact with work colleagues. Now I drag myself like the walking dead. Do not have the energy for yoga, I don't even have the energy to drive to the gym. I tried to go for a bike ride earlier, and couldn't even do the 3 mile round trip circuit which is what I bike for a "quickie." My legs and body just had no energy whatsoever, and I turned around early and spent a half hour lying in the park, trying to get up the energy to power my bike back home. I always am dealing with migraine headaches that cause my eyes to slit out stimuli. As with migraines i cannot bear to see motion images on tv--have some kind of weird motion sickness. But even though it is a migraine, I feel pain in middle of forehead and behind eyes--like the "GABA" headaches I suffered when I tried taking OTC GABA, Then there is the pulsing pain from deep in the brain....I want o much to shake but Im so drugged I can't even shake. But the worst part is trying to work through this psychotropic hell. So damned hard. Can't remember the last time when work was such a struggle just to get through. (Things were pretty bad when I was on lithium at Intersections, but at least when the drugging started, I already was proficient at my job, and didn't need the attentive energy and concentration to learn it. Simone Weil always used to say that prayer was just attentive concentration, and the drugs completely undermine my ability to do so. My world becomes very small, as i can only deal with small pieces of reality at a time. At the park I looked at the trees and realized I felt nothing. Normall my heart and soul expands in nature, but I am cocooned and alienated from reality with these goddamned drugs, even the most inspiring element of reality--nature. But the worst part is the psychosis that develops after hours on those goddamned drugs--my own mind becomes alienated, blasted, dead, from my body and sense of self. It is the most horrible feeling in the world, and I was crying, dying, begging for escape from the hell that was my life this morning after work. Worse, I couldn't sleep. The alienated, blasted, psychotic mind cannot sleep or rest. I ended up taking benadryl, tylenol pm, and alcohol to sleep. A few nights ago when starting this shift, I found that after a night of really working, really performing, really attentively engaging reality that I could come home and fall asleep immediately with no chemicals whasover. I'm not able to think or read. While biking, normally I am working on ongoing hypothesis and problems. Not today. Just tried to keep pep talkking myself to keep pedaling. i have a couple of hours before work, but even writing this brief post has completely drined me. Already my eyes shut, just wanting to rest in darkness. have to get some rest before going to work, so there is no surfing the webv for me. too sick to figure out what is going on in the world anyway. Thank God it is Friday. I just have to struggle to get through what almost certainly, will be anotehr hell night.

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