Thursday, April 24, 2008


Torture--that is the only word I can use to describe my current situation as I struggle to endure the unbearable physical and mental suffering and torment caused by the psychotropic drugs--it is Risperdal--I know I have been through this torture before.  It just never fails to amaze me that Opus Dei and any stupidass Catholic can really believe that torture will ever change my mind.  They not only know nothing of God.  They know nothing of human nature or the human psyche.  Ratzinger was feted by Bush recently, no doubt in profound payback gratitude for the letter in 2004 that Ratzinger, as head of the Inquisition office, issued to be read by bishops forbidding Catholics to vote for a pro-choice candidate.  It is no surprise that the worst, most vile and unfaithful elements of the Catholic Church are cozying up to an administration that has sanctioned torture, and an "intelligence" community that increasingly repudiates the fundamental truth of the USA-the constitutional rights of citizens.  It is clear to me that I will never experience life as a human being again until this cowardly, stupid and even evil administration is gone, and even then I might not.  There is only one candidate running for office who has the character, ideological inclination, and political savvy to effectively restore human rights in this country.  Unfortunately, she is the underdog.  So I keep putting one foot in front of another, hoping for God's deliverance, even if it be death.  But I will never turn my heart to the Catholic Church again.  Opus Dei, Ratzinger, the SLI,  the male only priesthood, their decision to torture, and all the other SHIT that obscures their so called profession of the Christian calling has ensured that forever.  Keep struggling Tita.  You have to survive, no matter how hard.  Whatever is the Lord's will.  Life is too hard right now, and I can't even get medication for the migraines that afflict me day and night.  Just endure. Just endure. Just endure.


Monday, April 21, 2008

Becoming increasingly nonfunctioning

Becoming increasingly nonfunctioning as psychotropic drugs ravage my body.  I am severely depressed and lack any and all energy, drive and ability to perform even routine functions.  My legs are numb, and my left leg is in constant severe nerve pain.  I cannot do any physical exercise without feeling extreme exhaustion--even yoga class and 1/2 hour bike rides are becoming too debilitating.  I have constant problems with my intestines, digestion, nausea and migraines.  I am unable to mentally concentrate, write, read or pray.  In short I am miserable, sick, hating life and trying everything I know to hold on to hope that someday I will feel like a human being again.  Not today.  I have to keep holding on to hope--otherwise there is nothing.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

My spine is totally wrecked

My spine is totally wrecked from the violent muscle spasms I endured from yesterday' overdose of speed.  I felt like a tortured cat I watched in a video clip played by my Molecular Biology instructor to illustrate ethical issues in biological research.  The cat went crazy inside its cage until it died, killed by a massive overdose of drugs that caused its poor muscles to spasm uncontrollably.  Now the painful spasms have increased from my left leg and back up to my shoulder, back, and neck.  I slept until noon today, and woke up with the same headache I went to bed with, and that I have now.  Even worse, my spine and the muscles around it feel completely out of whack.  It even hurts to breathe deeply--my spine vertebra spasms every time that I do.  It didn't help that I missed this morning's yoga class, but I was too sick to get out of bed.  I don't know how much more of this my body can take, but I can guarantee you this, Opus Dei, Ratzinger, and the rest of you Catholic Mafia.  You will get no cooperation from me.  Destroy me, kill me, but you will NEVER get any cooperation from me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


Mega-suffering while yet another round of psychotropic drugging begins.  Unable to walk, think or read.  All I can do is lay in bed.  Hurts to even keep the eyes open.   know from my dreams that this new round is courtesy of the pope who Bush is hosting at the white house now.  Payback time.  I also know who is fighting for me--and no, she most definitely is not a catholic.  I try to keep her vision in my head, while I lay in bed in agony with headaches and suffering.  I can't keep going much longer but there is no way that I will ever coolperate in any form or fashion with the sick perveted evil that resides in the Catholic hierarchy and Opus Dei and who ultimately r responsible for my suffering.  I hurt too much.  Time to go toi bed, and wake up to another hell day tomorrow.  God help me endure. 

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

It's been a while since I last wrote

It's been a while since I last wrote--mostly because of the response by richard sourman, or whatever his name is--he sure is sour to me, and he and his cohorts have completely soured me on any cooperation of any type or stripe with them.  Of course, they are Opus Dei cultists, and of course, they continue to drug me to the point of total misery and near incapacitation.  But I am struggling to hold on to my job (which is only a temp job, but at least its a paycheck) so I don't have time to write anyway.  I had to come home early today because I was so drugged that I wasn't even in reality enough to score essays correctly, and because I am on probation (due to the poor performance caused by the psychotropic drugs), my supe tried to give me a heads up.  But I knew that I was too sick to read the essays with any concentration, and so I came home and slept for three or four hours.  I still am too drugged to function.  I didn't go to yoga tonight because my body is too weak, and my head too light headed to undertake any kind of physical activity.  I don't even know if I am going to be ready to go to work tomorrow.  Just keep putting one foot in front of another Tita--even today 416 victims were liberated from another fundamentalist religious cult.  One day you will be free of these sick, warped perps.  Not today though.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I spent the night in pain

I spent the night in pain from a severe bellyache caused by the total clog of my guts by the psychotropic drugs.  I am miserable beyond belief with a colon that absolutely will not move the digestive process along.  I had been initially been happy yesterday when I realized that the goddamned speed was gone, and with it the constant, torturous pain of muscles spasming and relentless nerve pain caused by the damage done to my left leg by the speed, but as usual my optimism was premature.  I am still being force fed drugs that make me miserable---totally constipated, muscle weakened (I had a hard time walking again this morning and now my arms don't even want to type), I can't concentrate and am autistic (just feeling the need to pull into my own little world and try to prevent as much stimuli as possible from getting into my brain).  So now I am left with a physical and emotional wreck of a body that I have to carry through life somehow.  I am truly miserable.  I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and try to struggle through.