Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Pharmalogical cause of depression

9/27--The depression continues---worsening to the point that its getting harder and harder to do or care about anything.  But I know now, the cause of the depression is not my own personal issues I am dealing with--it's pharmacological--the result of me being doped up against my will.  As a matter of fact, when the goddamn poison is out of my system, I deal with things pretty good.  But right now, I'm flooded with the shit (I took some OTC vitamins on an empty stomach--only guess what?  They are not vitamins.  I think they are some kind of serontonin anti-depressant, and they are driving me into despair, wanting to be free of this horrible, emotionally and physically debiliating influence.  Not only that, but they are increasing the pain in my belly, and I have to hold on for surgery with a dr. I trust.  The emergency room would just do a hysterectomy, and then I'd really be in a hormonal pickle.  I think it is aggression causing the pain.  I want to smash somebody's face in.  I want to kick them in the balls, blow their face away, I want to cut my arms and empty this hateful poison that is killing me out.  But I know this is not really me.  This is the drugs and I have to endure.  I must endure.  I cannot stop this evil from happening to other people if I do not endure.  I know who is ultimately responsible for this, and I know that I am called to fight them--and I cannot fight them if I am dead.  So I have to hold on, and try to sleep this shit off, and do everything in my power to escape the drugs. 

Monday, September 25, 2006

coming to terms with damage done

9/25/06 Truly depressed, and in pain over the past couple days. Looking at my past login, I see that absolutely nothing has changed—I’m still in chronic and severe leg pain from being doped up, and while my house has actually been inhabitable for the past couple of days, I am horrified to realize the full extent of the damage done by the psychotropic drugs. I think the last time I took psychotropic drugs was a couple of nights ago, when I took a Flexiril for terrible back pain and leg spasms. It definitely was not Flexiril, and what I am realizing now is that the depressive aftereffects of psychotropic drugs can last for days, weeks, months (????). I have so much poison in my brain and body right now, I doubt that I will ever be completely cleansed of totalitarian, Big Pharm chemical shit ever again. In addition to lithium, anti-depressants, and various psychotropic drugs including Olanzapine, I think I have been put on speed, cannabis, and some mild form of LSD. I empathize with Mother Earth to a degree that I have not done before, as I realize how weakened and devitalized she is with the poisons an abusive patriaptionrchal mindset has flooded her eco-body with. That is me, although truly, after spending the last five minutes in the kitchen crying, I think somehow, I still am being doped. But even so, I know the acumulation of poison is palpable, real, and still negatively affecting my mood. I know by the symptoms of autism, and when they appear. I can feel it in my legs; I can tell by the differences in sensory perception, and flatness of affect. I used to start experiencing autistic symptomology after three or four days of solitude in the wilderness (the lack of stimuli, I think lulled my brain back into its autistic state. Now, a three hour hike has the very same debilitating effects. It used to be that I experienced numbness in my entire legs, only when I was dealing with very deep and painful emotions. Now, I experience it all the time. I remember at work, I had to change queue from a demanding and emotionally challenging queue—where people were frequently irate and difficult—to an easy one. I no longer could handle all the emotions being thrown at me. I would take an irate caller, and my legs would go as numb and restless, as if I were talking to someone about sexual abuse or my sister’s death. Before, I thrived on, and excelled at meeting the challenge of difficult calls and circumstances. Now, I do everything possible to avoid them—I no longer can handle it. It stresses me out negatively rather than positively.

My language skills have deteriorated significantly. In addition to a very real loss of memory of names, ability to fix dateline chronology, and vocabulary, I no longer have the hyper-verbal ability that I once possessed. Before the chemicals handisapped my brain (oh geez, there I go again—evincing thought disorder. Better be careful. Some stupidass psych will request the meds to be doubled), I used to "see" the words before I spoke them. I used to see entire sentences in super fast rapidity. I don’t think this was a neurosis or psychosis, because whenever I used to talk to people who talked in tongues, or who interpreted them, they used to say they could "see" the words, and then they would say them. I think this was a tremendously great gift I had, and now it is destroyed, probably forever. I speak English now, like I speak Spanish—without conscious awareness of what I am saying until I actually hear myself say it. This is very humbling and disconcerting. I have no idea what I’m going to say until it’s already said. I actually used to be able to "see," and then edit, what I spoke, before the words ever left my mouth. If I struggled for a precise word, I would "see" like a hand of cards on the table, all my alternative choices and know their subtle meanings, and I would, in a micro-second, choose the one word that had the connotation and shading I desired. Now, if I struggle for the precise word, and it happens more frequently than it ever has in my life—for even simple words—I grope in the dark, and sometimes I can’t come up with an appropriate word at all. I can’t see the whole range of choices in the split second. I can’t see anything at all. It sucks. I feel like a freaking retarded kid when that happens. Compared to where I was before, retarded is a pretty accurate word. At least that one came out right on the first try.

The worse part though is the bodily damage and loss of joy and vitality, spontaneity and exuberance that I had before. I’m in a lot of pain right now. My left leg which was actually getting better, relapsed significantly on Saturday, when the house was so full of chemical fumes that I got sick to the point of fainting the instant I walked in the door. My body won’t take poison, but I worry especially about my back, because it already is chronically injured, is not strong enough to recover from all this shit. I don’t know if my leftleg will ever be normal. I don’t think my joints will ever recover from the arthritis created by all the poison in my bodily eco-system. So yeah, I’m depressed, and I haven’t even touch on what is really depressing me, but one thing I’ve learned from 8/15/03 is, don’t even go there, Tita, unless you want to be thrown in jail or a psych ward for expressing your feelings. According to the patriarchal mindset, you don’t have any right to feelings or thoughts unless they think them "appropriate", and you know, Tita, they would not think this appropriate. And you know, you don’t want to go to jail or Kasemann, so you are better off bottling up those feelings and being depressed.

But all is not hopeless. More and more, I appreciate Solzhenitsyn. As I finished up the second volume of the Gulag, and he talked about the "personality" of the "zek," I realized the enormity of the tragedy these people endured. They may have kept their physical life, but the inhumane injustice and conditions they endured, kept them from fully ever living out their lives with joy ever again. A zek was severely depressed and devitalized, as a survival mechanism. And to be honest, when I read AS, that is how I felt he was even in the 70’s living in Vermont. I don’t think he ever regained his joy and vitality ever again, and I share this in common with him and tens of millions of zeks. Physically, I may have survived (and I know by what thin of a margin, while all the rest of these psychs don’t have a clue—or else the doping would have stopped after the lithium). But he still had a vocation, and even though it had to tear at his heart and sear his psyche, to write down his memories, I would never have known the magnitude of suffering and injustice for those millions if he hadn’t. (That is why I read the books so slowly—I keep praying for all those people who suffered so terribly). I am not Sozhenitsyn—for one thing there is no haven for me in Vermont, but even more limiting, I will not have his longevity of life (oh there I go again—thought disorder). Very well then, I have a strong intuition that I don’t have longevity of life. That means, whatever I am going to do, I have to do it now. I can’t feel sorry for myself, or make the excuse that I’m doped or depressed. Hell, I’m willing to gamble money that half of the very people who are doing this to me are doped and/or depressed, and they still are able to function—committing their evil deeds. If they can function and do evil, then God grant me the strength to function and do good. Help me God. Only by my written witness am I going to be able to find any kind of justice before I die.



Monday, September 11, 2006

first morning of unemployment


I am sitting on my front porch writing this morning’s entry, as I realize how sick my home, and especially my room makes me. I still am being doped up with speed, and it is tearing my body apart. I had to take a Vicodin last night in order to go to sleep, as my body and muscles started spasming again, with the consequent nerve pain and numbness in my left leg that is just unbearable. Even during my sleep, the NSA is able to dope me up, but last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the door wide open. The breeze comes in the strongest through the kitchen, but I am uncomfortable with leaving the door open, because there is no security lock, and it opens onto an alleyway here in downtown, where all kinds of predators prowl and addicts scavenge. But last night I didn’t care. I was sick with nausea, and hurting with pain. I went to bed still wearing my bra and shoes, and didn’t even brush my teeth. I woke up with a lot of muscle pain and spinal tenderness, but with more mental alertness than I have in some time. The buzzing in my head was more subdued than usual. I always know how much speed in my system by how loud the buzz is, and sometimes, it is a deafening roar. Candace Pert, a molecular biologist, wrote a book on noise in the body, and she brought up a point that I have found to be very true. Our bodies are full of sound at the molecular level, which we normally do not hear, and when everything in our bodies is in harmony, the musical sound of our bodies comes across as silence. I long for the days when my head knew utterly complete and peaceful silence. Ever since I have been doped up, I always have a buzz in my head—sometimes it is subdued, and sometimes it is a roar, but it is always there. My body and brain no longer are working in harmony, and I suffer, and sometimes, like last night, I suffer terribly.

In addition to engendering muscle spasms and arthritis in my joints, the speed also affects my ability to concentrate. I have known this for sometime at work, where I could no longer concentrate so completely on every call. I had to get out of a heavy retention queue because retention calls require so much concentration, and I no longer found it easy and natural to concentrate. It required too much mental energy that I no longer have. Instead, at work, I found my mind just going on "automatic pilot," and being resentful whenever, I had to take it off automatic pilot. I just was not up to being challenged anymore, even though normally, when I am healthy, I thrive on challenges, and they draw out the best in me.

The night before last, I had slept in my bed (my bedroom has the highest concentration of dope in the air—I’m not sure why, but I have a couple of unproven theories—still working on it), because my back was in pain. I woke up completely doped up on speed. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t even concentrate to read. I was looking forward to reading a little more in depth than usual, now that I am unemployed, and pulled out a book of John Donne poetry. Now admittedly, Donne is advanced level reading, but I have read him multiple times before, and am familiar with the archaic syntax of his poetry. But yesterday morning, my level of concentration was so poor that the words were nonsensical. The symbol of the word was meaningless. This morning, I read some Donne, and to my great relief, I don’t think that I have lost massive IQ. I still am not reading with my pre-lithium level of concentration, but at least I could comprehend the words. This also explains why I haven’t been able to pray as deeply as usual. Prayer, in the briefest of definition, is focussed concentration—at the spiritual level. Over the years, I have developed an intense ability to concentrate at the physical, emotional, and intellectual level, as I dedicated myself to, and matured in my prayer life. But the drugs completely wiped out years of disciplined work, and I still haven’t fully recovered. Depending on how much speed I have in my system, I struggle to get out of the imaginative realm and into the spiritual realm. This is very clear to me in yoga, during the final meditation. A couple of times, I have nearly fallen asleep, because I am going into the imaginative realm of the dream state, rather than the clear, pure awareness of the spiritual realm. It is all a matter of concentration, and speed can completely undermine my ability to do so. Imagination is important too, and there is no doubt that my imaginative abilities are much greater than my contemporaries. But that is their loss, not mine. So much of my giftedness is directly related to my superior imaginative faculties, but they think that neurotic, and in need of pharmaceutical correction. I think they are narrow-minded, pathetically handicapped idiots, who nonetheless have tremendous power to wreak great destruction and suffering—and in my case have done so.

I am unemployed now, and I intend to do something with this time, even if I cannot live in my own, contaminated home. I will do everything I can to avoid the drugs, and be productive, and regain my health. Even though my musculo-skeletal system is in really bad shape, I think I am finally losing a little weight, because an OTC pill is jumpstarting my metabolism for the first time since jail, when I went into starvation mode. On that positive note, I will end my writing, and start taking care of all the little details, I have to deal with….Thank you God, for allowing me to escape the drugs and have some energy today….

Tuesday, September 5, 2006


Well, so much for my "good" weekend as I got slammed by dope and pain again.  I am in pain as I speak, with my left leg all spasmed up and tight from the overdose of whatever psychotropic drug got in my system on Sunday night, leaving me in agonizing pain for Sunday and Monday nights.  I have had to take major dope to even sleep for the last two night, but my left leg and hip and sciatica are still messed up.  I'm tempted to quit work today.  Maybe I will.  These bastards think they are going to set me up for a mental hospital stint.  Wrong.  I think they overestimate my intention to cooperate anymore with them.  The only "carrot" they had to motivate me--Augusta--has left me, and I have nothing left to inspire any desire for cooperation on my part.  It is too hard to write when I am in such pain.  The pain drives out any ability to make rational coherent sense.  I am tired of being in pain--no, I am tired of these motherfuckers causing me pain.  I hurt too bad to continue--

Sunday, September 3, 2006

3-day weekend

A good weekend so far, as I try to determine what actions to take regarding work.  It is  clear to me that I am not healthy at all.  I went for a little 2 mile roundtrip hike yesterday, and I could barely complete it, with the help of a walking stick.  My legs just seem so heavy that I can hardly lift them.  I am reminded of how I could barely walk a mile for nearly two years, after my back injury.  It is the very same feeling, although this time it may be caused by drugs.   The speed they gave me last week caused intense and agonizing muscle spasms in my left leg, and for two days I could hardly lift my leg.  Now my sciatica is messed up on my left buttock, and I am in constant pain from that. My left leg continues to be numb and ultra sensitive to touch.   My problems have always been with my right sciatica, but now, the dope has created another long lasting structural problem with back pain.  These damned doctors don't realize the destructive potential of drugs.  They think a little bit of speed can't hurt me because I am hyperactive, but drugs always have negative consequences.  When I think of how many kids they have put on Ritalin, I want to weep.  They are destroying the full potential of their minds before they even attain adulthood.  My mind is no longer quite right either. I am experiencing "brain shifts" where my mood is altered, especially when I am fatigued.  I can literally feel the chemical shift taking place.  If  I were on the drugs, I would blame them, but I just think all the drugs they gave me are still floating around, wreaking havoc with my brain cells.  Either that, or the drugs caused permanent structural change in my brain cells, so that I will never be quite right again.  I cannot concentrate for long without coming down with bad headaches.  This happens both at work, and at leisure (I came down with a bad headache after about three hours of intensive reading this morning).  The good news is that they are not migraines, and if I just lay down and rest and shut my eyes a bit, they subside, but still I am tired of having headaches all the time.  The irony is, that before they force fed me lithium and speed and serontonin, my ability to concentrate for hours at a time was unusually powerful and intense.  Now I can't bear to do it for any longer than a couple or three hours.  Then there are the problems with language and memory--true, it is not as bad as it was, but I no longer have the command of language that I once did, and I find myself groping in the dark for words that I once could "see" clearly with lightning fast, micro-second speed.  My brain no longer relates to, and controls language in the way that it once did, and I am seriously diminished.  But I remind myself of Debbie P and her brain injury, which left her seriously deprived of her once prodigious genius, and how I realized through prayer, that it could be a gift if she could accept it.  I will never again have the verbal command and virtuosity that I once did, but I have to accept it.  Right now though, all I feel is the  grief and the pain and the loss.  So these are all reasons why I tell myself I need to take some time off and heal.  There are also good reasons against it, so I continue to think and pray.  Fortunately, I am not doped up, so at least I can....

Friday, September 1, 2006


I woke up with a migraine--3rd day in a row.  It doesn't help that the Fiornal I took last night had some kind of weird psychotropic substance added that completely undermined any benefit to its analgesic properties, and led me to take a Flexiril to even get to sleep.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I can't live with this kind of pain.  It all started with a heavy dollop of speed which left all my muscles spasming, and even today, three days later, I can hardly walk, because the severe muscle spasms in my legs have left the leg sore and the nerve endings inflammed and supersensitive to even a brief touch).  I know from my dreams that I am moving out of my body.  I don't move out of my body because I'm neurotic or psychotic.  I move out of my body because I am in severe pain, and all the medication I take to help me deal with the pain is tampered with, and not working.  I have more on this I want to speak on, but I have to go to work.  One more day, and then I can try to recuperate.  In the meantime, I have to deal with this pain....