3-day weekend

A good weekend so far, as I try to determine what actions to take regarding work.  It is  clear to me that I am not healthy at all.  I went for a little 2 mile roundtrip hike yesterday, and I could barely complete it, with the help of a walking stick.  My legs just seem so heavy that I can hardly lift them.  I am reminded of how I could barely walk a mile for nearly two years, after my back injury.  It is the very same feeling, although this time it may be caused by drugs.   The speed they gave me last week caused intense and agonizing muscle spasms in my left leg, and for two days I could hardly lift my leg.  Now my sciatica is messed up on my left buttock, and I am in constant pain from that. My left leg continues to be numb and ultra sensitive to touch.   My problems have always been with my right sciatica, but now, the dope has created another long lasting structural problem with back pain.  These damned doctors don't realize the destructive potential of drugs.  They think a little bit of speed can't hurt me because I am hyperactive, but drugs always have negative consequences.  When I think of how many kids they have put on Ritalin, I want to weep.  They are destroying the full potential of their minds before they even attain adulthood.  My mind is no longer quite right either. I am experiencing "brain shifts" where my mood is altered, especially when I am fatigued.  I can literally feel the chemical shift taking place.  If  I were on the drugs, I would blame them, but I just think all the drugs they gave me are still floating around, wreaking havoc with my brain cells.  Either that, or the drugs caused permanent structural change in my brain cells, so that I will never be quite right again.  I cannot concentrate for long without coming down with bad headaches.  This happens both at work, and at leisure (I came down with a bad headache after about three hours of intensive reading this morning).  The good news is that they are not migraines, and if I just lay down and rest and shut my eyes a bit, they subside, but still I am tired of having headaches all the time.  The irony is, that before they force fed me lithium and speed and serontonin, my ability to concentrate for hours at a time was unusually powerful and intense.  Now I can't bear to do it for any longer than a couple or three hours.  Then there are the problems with language and memory--true, it is not as bad as it was, but I no longer have the command of language that I once did, and I find myself groping in the dark for words that I once could "see" clearly with lightning fast, micro-second speed.  My brain no longer relates to, and controls language in the way that it once did, and I am seriously diminished.  But I remind myself of Debbie P and her brain injury, which left her seriously deprived of her once prodigious genius, and how I realized through prayer, that it could be a gift if she could accept it.  I will never again have the verbal command and virtuosity that I once did, but I have to accept it.  Right now though, all I feel is the  grief and the pain and the loss.  So these are all reasons why I tell myself I need to take some time off and heal.  There are also good reasons against it, so I continue to think and pray.  Fortunately, I am not doped up, so at least I can....