Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A sad day for the country.

Judge Alito will be nominated today.  As much as I worry and fret about my own problems and suffering, I know what a severely negative impact this nomination will have for this country, and our once proud heritage of individual rights and liberties.  I have been reading that Alito is a member of Opus Dei, and I don't doubt it for a moment.  I also realize that now the Supreme Court is stacked with Roman Catholic fundamentalists, and I know what that means for judicial decision in this country.  For I bear in my body the psychological and physical scars caused by their total disregard for the rights and respect due individual liberty, person, and body. 

An aside:yesterday, I left the stove on again.  In addition to the cost, there is the danger.  But I know how completely messed up (high and alienated from reality), I really was.  I tell these Opus Dei operatives over and over and over again, how poisonous the psychtropic drugs are for my mind and body (I realized yesterday that I was straining my back because my muscles were so weak that they were overextended; as I was driving I couldn't turn my head to check the rearview mirror because my whole torso was stiffened and in pain, in reaction to the poison).  They don't believe me, and I realize now that they won't and can't believe me.  It goes totally in the face of their ideological (it is NOT spiritual, fanaticism).  Anything is justifiable to bring someone under their Talibanic control, and they will destroy me before they can allow me to live as a free woman.  My life is so pathetic, pain-racked, miserable, and lonely right now, that really it is not worth fighting for (couldn't help but think how easy it would be to die in my new place; especially subconsciously--am I leaving the gas on because I want to die--a reproach against mother negligence), but it is worth fighting for the rights and liberties of others that I am denied myself.  Now that there are 4 Catholic fundamentalists on the Supreme Court, what is happening to me will very soon be the law of the land.  I have been falsely accused, thrown in jail, stripped of my rights to life and liberty, drugged against my will, constantly monitored and surveilled, by camera, by web, by a GPS in my truck, despite my impotent rage,in the "privacy" of my own home.  Ha Ha!  I haven't had a home in years---not since I got involved with the SLI, and they put the resources of Opus Dei against me.  Basically, Big Brother has succeeded in controlling every important aspect of my life, but the one God-given sanctuary they cannot---my free will.  And they will NEVER get it, because I will not give my allegiance over to evil, and there is no doubt in my mind, that religious fundamentalism is not in the service of God, but the evil one.   Still, I have faith, and I have hope, and maybe one day, I will love again, but I know now what I was called to do, no matter what my pain and suffering (no use complaing about it; Opus Dei operates on a principle of body sadism/masochism.  It turns them on that I suffer.  They think that they are making progress).  I remember as a teenager, dreaming that my country was becoming a fascist dictatorship, and that I was an underground leader in the fight against it.  I was in constant, desperate fear for my life, but driven by my desire to restore my country's liberties and freedoms.  Who else to fight for rights, but someone who has suffered grievously, physically and psychologically, the loss of them?   I don't know how, but that has to be my focus.  I have to forget about endurance or fighting for my rights.   Alito is the final block in the wall that the fundamentalists have been building (I wonder what political deal Bush and John Paul made in exchange for the bishops coming out against Kerry---what rotten, rotten outrage).  My back is up against it.  I have to fight back with everything I got...admittedly not much when I am doped up to the gills, but I have to try.  God help me....

Monday, January 30, 2006

Poisoned again

I just spent 10 minutes in a gas station bathroom, rocking with nausea, and keening with moans.  I am a sick zombie again, unable to remember even simple information (couldn't focus on my calls at work), or unable to remember even my social security number.  I can't function this way.  I cannot function.  I am hating life right now.  I can't keep this up.  I won't keep it up.  I have got to get this poison out of me one way or another.... 

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Slowly starting to emerge from the severe, drug-induced depression and low energy that has afflicted me the past couple of months.  But the damage has been done---and is permanent, I am afraid.  From the significant vision loss and dimming, to the nerve damage that has my leg feeling like spiders are constantly running over it, to the severe back and neck and shoulder pain (now I understand how people get addicted to painkillers;  the only time I can block the pain now is with drugs), to the spreading of the painful inflammation to every part of my body, I realize my body is a total wreck, and that months of discipline and sweat and effort and hunger, have been totally undone by a bunch of Nazi doctors who have turned my body into a guinea pig and lab rat while they  forcefeed me drugs against my will, in their futile, but ongoing attempt to force me into conformity with their model of who they want me to be.  They have made it clear by words and actions that they have no respect for who I am. My contempt for them and their tactics knows no limits, and I disdain and reject all their works and pomps and lies that they forward as they try to convince people that they have my best interests at heart. They are liars of the first degree, and it never takes me long to recognize and reject one of the.  The most important thing right now for me, though, is not to be discouraged, and to try to heal the damage that has been done, to accept this fat, bloated body, even as I realize that it will take me months to lose all the fat I gained on this last go round.  But at least my mind is a little clearer now, instead of full of self-loathing and the desire to escape my body.  I can't even imagine what those idiots have done to my brain--putting a PTSD survivor like myself under such stress that I can't even breathe the air, and the muscles stiffen as they prepare for the ongoing assault.  But I have to fight back.  I'm not healthy enough yet.  But I have to work towards health.....

Sunday, January 22, 2006


The last entry I was writing was erased as someone (I suspect Paul Deblassie--just because he is the creep right now who is monitoring me) logged me off.  So afraid of the truth, are you, you pathetic killjoys---and afraid of love, too---that is why you erased all my chats with PL from an earlier time.  I'm too sick to rebut you now, but just know, you bastards, that truth always prevail over a lie, and you are of the lie, and using lies, and your father is the prince of lies.....

Thursday, January 19, 2006


Woke up crying this morning, so depressed and tired that I have to force myself to get up and moving.  I realize now that the inquisitors have made me into a model American citizen--I'm depressed, passive, fat, hating my job and my life, and all strung out on the drugs that rich people are making a bundle on.  In short, I'm the soulless drone, incapable of sustained thought or depth of feeling that they wish to control.  No more worries of abundant energy or joyful exuberance from me.  Yep--they have made me a sick model of themselves.

I realized this morning I have stretch marks on my calves---from the swollen fat and severe fluid retention that I have been experiencing.  When I realized that it was lithium I was on and the primary conveyor of the poison is the pod where I worked, I went and got some thyroid supplement.  Fluid has dropped down a little and I don't feel so much like I'm too sick to function (except once the drugs hit my body---early afternoon), but I know the damage is permanent.  Nothing to do, but go to the job I truly dislike now.

a post-lithium world

By every caliber by which I measure health and well being, I am declining dramatically.  Thanks you goddamn assholes who are forcefeeding me lithium.  I thought it was anti-depressants and speed, because I was so severely depressed and lacking energy, with my entire body shutting down---symptoms of anti-depressant and speed from the past.  But I realized that I was having uncontrollable mood swings that the truly moronic mind and body raping idiots were poisoning me with lithium.  Right now, I have eight sleeping pills (of three different kinds) in my body.  I haven't been insomniac in years, and certainly not like this.  I lay awake and feel the poison coursing through my body and long to escape, to mutilate it.  I think of all the different creative ways that I can do it.  I hate to be drastic, but I know that there has been permanent damage done to my body and brain, and it is seeming more and more like the only solution is a drastic one.  I am trying to hold out, but I know that I cannot escape the poison as long as I drive, live in a household or go to work.  So it is seeming more and more that the only viable option is a drastic one.  My body is a temple and they have shit all over it, and I have to recover my body.  I cannot think, pray, read, or do anything productive (I cannot even surf the web).  I can barely exercise (feeling the poison and weakness course through my body). Eating has no enjoyment, though drinking does.  I wish I could get drunk right now.  The only time I feel halfway human is when I am drunk.  I can't remember the last time I woke up singing.  For that matter, even listening to music has no pleasure for me.  In short, my tormentors have totally dehumanized me in their ongoing attempts to control me.  All I do is lay there and cry, longing for release.  Never in my life have I been so depressed that all I can do is lay there and cry, over the irreparable damage done to my body.  My body is in perpetual pain as it constantly contracts the muscles, trying to fight off the poison it instinctively avoids.  These dumbasses.  Don't they know the difference between health and pain?  I know when I am taking something that is healthy for me and something that is sheer poison.  I think the whole manic depressive thing (like most of western medicine) is a crock of shit.  I'm not manic or depressive.  I am naturally hyperactive, and full of energy.  Does that make me sick?  Is my supervisor, who is hyperactive, sick?  How about Conner---the attractive young man who is more hyper than me?   How about Josh?  Why don't you poison their work pods with lithium?  Before you put me on this shit, I had no serious mental health issues at all.  But you don't want to control them, do you< like you me>
I can't ignore my body though.  My body cannot take much more of this abuse.  I am going to have to choose between one of the drastic options I see before me.  It is the only way to salvage myself.  Even now, I think it will be at least 6-9 months before my body is back to the good health it was in, and my inner voice keeps telling me the damage is permanent, and I think I know what they mean.  The whole left side of my body is in constant pain from muscle spasms.  Fucking pigs.  They have no idea of how much I despise them.  But one thing for sure.  They have won this round.  And I have the pain and messed up body to prove it.  When will lose this weight, this acne (forget the muscle spasmst---I can no longer control my physical pain because I have been separated from my own soul and ground of healing), the insomnia (my God, it has been years since I was insomniac?  These fuckers have destroyed everything I have worked to heal.  And they have done a really good job.  All I can do is lay here and cry and wonder what is the best way for me to try to get control of my body again

The funny thing is, that I think I was a little manic depressive as a young woman, but my body naturally healed itself.  I couldn't help but notice over the years how my mood swings improved (now they are totally unmoored.  I never know from one minute to the next what I am going to do or feel, but I know, the feeling will never be those of joy and contentment and peace, which I used to experience before).  I think I healed myself.  As a matter of fact I wonder if my hypothyroidism was a part of that natural healing (and yes, you dumb fucks---I don't give a shit what your tests say.  I have a problem with my thyroid AND YOU PUT ME ON LITHIUM!!!@@##$%&^**).  But one thing is for sure .  My body is self-destructing from the pressures of the poison, so in the next couple of weeks, I need to do something.......Two in the morning now.  I have to be up in 6 hours, and even though I am a little high from the eight sleeping pills i took, i am wide awake.  Nothing i can do.........

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I'm so sick with the poison these bastards are forcefeeding me.  I know every breath I take makes it worse but it is so hard to get up the energy to go somewhere to escape it--especially the gym, where it is so depressing to see vital, strong alive people, able to work out, and remember that once, long ago, i was that way, instead of a depressed fat spirtless lump barely able to move.  I know that I will never recover from what these fuckers have done to me in the last 2 months---they have trashed my body on the cellular level, and I will never recover.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Pain Pain PAIN

My body is self-destructing on me---my joints are suffering chronic inflammation, and I am in constant severe arthritic pain in my knees, hands, elbows and wrist.  I honestly don't know how much longer I can continue to use my left arm, before it becomes disabled.  As I look and see how much my wrist has swollen, I seriously doubt that it will ever recover--another pain-filled permanent damage cause by Christian religious zealotry.  I remember the first time I heard the hissing gas in Poison Mary Lou's house and almost instantly later, felt the stabbing pain in my wrist. Even now, the surest sign that I'm breathing poisoned air is the sharp pain I will immediately feel in my joints.  Since I'm breathing poison almost constantly, it is no surprise that I am in constant joint pain. 

It is no use for me to document this.  I know now that my suffering amuses the sick Christian tormentors who have iniated my torture.  They smile and say it is all for the glory of God---that I will come around and be one of them.  They live in such a sadistic, self-hating world that they think they are doing me a favor by making their reality mine.  Sorry.  You may turn me into a lonely, pain-wracked ball of misery, and keep me forced into hateful celibacy, but you will never have my free will, and I will never serve you or the sick parody of faith that fundamentalist institutional Christianity---whether Catholic or Protestant, promotes.  Pat Robertson or Pope Ratzinger---I repudiate you and all your evil works and all your pomp and all your lies. 

I despise your celibacy, you hierarchy, your closed-minded intolerance, and most of all, your patriarchal smugness that makes you think you have the right to deny free choice to an individual.  You have got one thing right.  You fear me because deep down you intuit the potential of my vocation, but you are so wrong in thinking you can control my vocation.  My vocation is to revive true, ecumenical spirituality; to begin the overturning of patriarchal, institutional Christianity--with its celibacy, sex-hating, life-hating misogynism, and patriarchal control freaks who are too fearful to let people make their own free choices.On a day like today, after breathing poison for 8 hours of work, when I have no physical or mental energy, I don't know how it will happen but I have faith it will.  God help me.  Idon't know how much longer my body can go.  So damned depressing as I realize the magnitude of irreversible damage that SLI & Co  are causing my body.

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Trying to force myself to get up.  All I want to do is layin bed and cry.  No motivation for anything, except to not feel the physical pain and the psychological deadness anymore.  Trying to force myself to get up.  I hate my life but I tell myself I have to try to keep my body in some kind of reasonable shape.  Don't know if i can move

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So tired of feeling bad.  I don't even know anymore what is psychological/drug related and what is physiological/low thyroid related.  I do know that I am so low energy and listless I can barely move.  I have to force myself to get up and move and go to work.  Also, my mind has no ability to think or remember or perform simple logic.  I am reduced to the status of a drone---which I do believe is the intent.  I do not know how much longer I can force myself to keep up and moving when I feel so bad....

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

1/6/06---Today, I detoxed a little bit from whatever horrible drugs with which I have be

Today, I  detoxed  a little bit from whatever horrible drugs with which I have been poisoned.  My truck still had vestiges of the shit in it, but overall, today was the first time that I have felt like a human being since last Saturday night, and early New Year’s Day before I went and got coffee and breakfast.  I realized today when I was in the Intersections break room for a brief phone call that today for the first time since I can remember when, I actually was engaged  by my surroundings, rather than cocooned from it.  I saw a woman (no idea who she was), and I realized that I was really capable of seeing her as a person, with feelings and a unique personality.  It was not like she was the kind of person I’m immediately attracted to---she was heavily made up and manicured and polished, all dressed up with high heeled boots , but as I watched her eat her lunch,  I was able to connect with her in a sympathetic way.  I saw her as a person.  I haven’t  engaged a co-worker (not even those I work closely with) as a person, in a long time.  In the past few weeks, I have come to dread going into the break room.  I don’t want to talk to anybody.  I don’t want to see anybody.  And I sire don’t want anybody to see me—and especially with the bloated, heavy, fat-jowled,  pimpled face that appeared within the first two days of the poisoning..  This sobering truth reminds me that I could not fit (not even close) into a pair of pants that I fit into just fine a month ago.  I hope that it is water gain from not taking thyroid medication, but I have a really depressing feeling about my weightgain.. 

I have to admit that I get severely depressed when I’m heavily under the influence of the poison (unlike now I’m just furiously outraged at the violation done to my personhood.  When I feel that dope coursing through my veins, I feel like I want desperately to escape my own body, even if I have to mutilate or kill myself.  I literally cannot stand it.  It is as if evil aliens have come in and possessed my body.  I struggle to stay in touch with  my soul, which is what gives me my strength,  but (for me, anyway, though I don’t think so for my Christian tormentors), my soul is intimately linked with my body), and it is very hard for me to reach my soul when I long so desperately to escape my body, and the horrible depression and self-hatred that the poison brings.

Well I will take today as a relatively good day—not a really good day—but certainly better than I’ve had in a long time.  God knows what next week will bring.

<st1:date Month="1" Day="9" Year="2005">1/9/05</st1:date>—I wanted to write a long entry yesterday, as really my mind was clear for the first time in weeks.  I noticed the difference in everything---I could actually drive alertly, instead of just making turns and lane changes without bothering to check or care who was in the field beside me.  I watched a TV show last night (The L Word), and I really was engaged and gripped by the show.  The first time I saw it, I was totally emotionally disengaged, and hopelessly confused as my mind was unable to process the characters and plotlines.  It was all a mishmash jumble and I realized last night that though I watched it a week ago, I could remember absolutely nothing.  I sat through it like a stoned zombie, and really that is what I have been.  That is what anti-depressants do---they disengage you from reality, and that is why our unspiritual, (that is the whole purpose of Spirit---to lead you into an ever deeper engagement with reality), co-dependent, and addicted society love them.  But, elated as I was over having possession of my mental faculties again, organizing my room took first priority, and while my mind seems clear, my body is thoroughly trashed and very low-energy, so that it took me all day to do an hour’s worth of work.  I still am weak and shaky, and having the brain rushes that worry me so much.  I was poisoned last night, but it was with the anxiety drugs—not the anti-depressants.  It could have been the Advil I took.  My back hurt too much to sleep so I took 5 Advil that I knew were not secured, but I was in a lot of pain.  I ended up even worse, not only in physical pain (the anxiety-inducing meds always attack my joints), but in severe emotional anxiety. However, I am learning how to work my way through that, and eventually went to sleep, though God knows it was not one of my better sleeps.  Dream of turquoise Indian belt and first movie.

I had especially wanted to write of a experience that I had Saturday evening with a genuine healer, but sad to say I feel dope starting to run through my body again---I don’t know if I can finish this entry-----it always steals my mind and soul…..

Very depressing last half hour.  I do think I am being poisoned again.  Either that or the body is in such a weakened state that it is impacting my mind.  But I don’t even have any balance---a sure sign my core is weak---anti-depressants again---they attack you at the seat of your strength, vitality and energy, and I barely have any. 

Also, I see that the scale last night did not lie.  I’m at 184 pounds now, and it is an uncomfortable, tight fit, into what used to be my loosest pants.  I realize now that the last 20 pounds I have gained, have all been courtesy of these religious/political cultist fanatics who are trying to control my body.  And physically, they are succeeding very well—it depresses me to realize that I will probably never to be able to lose this fat that they are forcing on me.  I might get rid of the short term effects of the poison, but the long term will last the rest of my life.  I cannot bear to look at my body anymore.  I don’t even recognize it.  And I don’t have the energy to do any serious workouts….my future looks very very bleak.  Nothing I can do right now but get up and go.  Another hateful day in the life…..

Thursday, January 5, 2006

writing as I can

1/3/06---The New Year is off to a typical start for me. I woke up New Year's Day, full of joy and lightheartedness, singing "Joy to the World" at the top of my lungs, and greeting the rising sun with enthusiasm and energy. Two hours later, I was so poisoned that I could barely walk. The suffering, sickness, nausea, and feeling of being high was so immense that I fantasized about mutilating myself to cut myself off from the hateful poison bag that they have turned my body into. I cannot believe these dumb idiots who are force-feeding me their poison. My entire body is collapsing into chronic pain and physical dysfunction (not to mention rolls of fat), while they continue in their delusion that I'm going to have some epiphany that makes me appreciate their position. God, if these people only had an inkling of the sheer contempt and loathing I hold for them. Every time I see one of the cheap grace Christians, who believe the heresy that creating pain and suffering has redemptive value and moral purpose, my skin crawls with complete and utter repulsion. I saw one tonight in yoga class, and I wanted to scream at her, "Get away from me. You have absolutely no right to look in on my suffering. I am just a lab rat to you, to be poisoned with chemicals while you check my reaction. Fuck you and your sick, pathetic, twisted, patriarchal religion." The day I went to urgent care, out of my mind with doped-up torment, and suffering a severe physiological reaction, another stupid-ass Christian followed me in. She found my suffering amusing. That there are people in the world who enjoy suffering is not particularly scandalous or outrageous---that they claim the moral high ground is. But it has been going on for centuries---all that is happening with me is a 21st century Inquisition, with the political connections of Opus Dei feeding the secular arm of the government, in this case the NSA---another morally repulsive outfit, that not only doesn't have any respect for the human being, but also no respect for the Constitution of this country. I'm suffering badly. I'm in severe back pain---partly because I'm unable to do yoga. I'm doing stretching, but yoga is a spiritual exercise, and I'm totally alienated from my spirit. I have no contact with my core, I cannot breathe deeply, and I cannot push myself into the pose.I nearly had another panic attack when it came time for Corpse pose. Again, alienated from my spirit, I am completely unable to meditate. Instead, I felt myself getting more and more nauseous and high (funny how, even when the body is not functioning, yoga accurately reflects what the body is feeling---and that is exactly what I feel--nauseous and drugged.

I am so doped up, I hate life. They have totally taken my joy and spirit out of my life. Even at work, I find myself hating my job, and having no joy in talking to the customers. That never used to happen. But when you are a fucking lab rat, rather than a free human being, that is how you feel.

Get this SLI, and all your lame, pathetic, pietistic followers. I want nothing to do with your religion. You probably doped me up so badly on NY day, so that I couldn't go to the yoga seminar. God forbid, I do something spiritual, healthy, wholesome and healing.

And get this, NSA---place your electronic listening devices around me all you want. You want EVER get my cooperation.

Tired of this shit, God. Free me from this cultic fanatics, Lord....

1/4/06--I have to force myself to write. If I do not survive to fight this evil monstrosity of Opus Dei/NSA, I have to believe that somebody will follow behind me. I remember reading the words of an Amnesty International torture victim once, "they have made such a sadistic display of my body, I can no longer bear to look at my own body." That is what is happening to me--I no longer can bear to look at my ravaged, bloated, poisoned face. It doesn't seem to belong to me. But then my own body doesn;t seem to belong to me....It takes so much effort to write. these sadistic pigs have totally drained the life force out of me. I cannot concentrate. I cannot keep my eyes open. But I have to force myself to roll over and go to work. Another hatefulday beginning....