Pain Pain PAIN

My body is self-destructing on me---my joints are suffering chronic inflammation, and I am in constant severe arthritic pain in my knees, hands, elbows and wrist.  I honestly don't know how much longer I can continue to use my left arm, before it becomes disabled.  As I look and see how much my wrist has swollen, I seriously doubt that it will ever recover--another pain-filled permanent damage cause by Christian religious zealotry.  I remember the first time I heard the hissing gas in Poison Mary Lou's house and almost instantly later, felt the stabbing pain in my wrist. Even now, the surest sign that I'm breathing poisoned air is the sharp pain I will immediately feel in my joints.  Since I'm breathing poison almost constantly, it is no surprise that I am in constant joint pain. 

It is no use for me to document this.  I know now that my suffering amuses the sick Christian tormentors who have iniated my torture.  They smile and say it is all for the glory of God---that I will come around and be one of them.  They live in such a sadistic, self-hating world that they think they are doing me a favor by making their reality mine.  Sorry.  You may turn me into a lonely, pain-wracked ball of misery, and keep me forced into hateful celibacy, but you will never have my free will, and I will never serve you or the sick parody of faith that fundamentalist institutional Christianity---whether Catholic or Protestant, promotes.  Pat Robertson or Pope Ratzinger---I repudiate you and all your evil works and all your pomp and all your lies. 

I despise your celibacy, you hierarchy, your closed-minded intolerance, and most of all, your patriarchal smugness that makes you think you have the right to deny free choice to an individual.  You have got one thing right.  You fear me because deep down you intuit the potential of my vocation, but you are so wrong in thinking you can control my vocation.  My vocation is to revive true, ecumenical spirituality; to begin the overturning of patriarchal, institutional Christianity--with its celibacy, sex-hating, life-hating misogynism, and patriarchal control freaks who are too fearful to let people make their own free choices.On a day like today, after breathing poison for 8 hours of work, when I have no physical or mental energy, I don't know how it will happen but I have faith it will.  God help me.  Idon't know how much longer my body can go.  So damned depressing as I realize the magnitude of irreversible damage that SLI & Co  are causing my body.