a post-lithium world

By every caliber by which I measure health and well being, I am declining dramatically.  Thanks you goddamn assholes who are forcefeeding me lithium.  I thought it was anti-depressants and speed, because I was so severely depressed and lacking energy, with my entire body shutting down---symptoms of anti-depressant and speed from the past.  But I realized that I was having uncontrollable mood swings that the truly moronic mind and body raping idiots were poisoning me with lithium.  Right now, I have eight sleeping pills (of three different kinds) in my body.  I haven't been insomniac in years, and certainly not like this.  I lay awake and feel the poison coursing through my body and long to escape, to mutilate it.  I think of all the different creative ways that I can do it.  I hate to be drastic, but I know that there has been permanent damage done to my body and brain, and it is seeming more and more like the only solution is a drastic one.  I am trying to hold out, but I know that I cannot escape the poison as long as I drive, live in a household or go to work.  So it is seeming more and more that the only viable option is a drastic one.  My body is a temple and they have shit all over it, and I have to recover my body.  I cannot think, pray, read, or do anything productive (I cannot even surf the web).  I can barely exercise (feeling the poison and weakness course through my body). Eating has no enjoyment, though drinking does.  I wish I could get drunk right now.  The only time I feel halfway human is when I am drunk.  I can't remember the last time I woke up singing.  For that matter, even listening to music has no pleasure for me.  In short, my tormentors have totally dehumanized me in their ongoing attempts to control me.  All I do is lay there and cry, longing for release.  Never in my life have I been so depressed that all I can do is lay there and cry, over the irreparable damage done to my body.  My body is in perpetual pain as it constantly contracts the muscles, trying to fight off the poison it instinctively avoids.  These dumbasses.  Don't they know the difference between health and pain?  I know when I am taking something that is healthy for me and something that is sheer poison.  I think the whole manic depressive thing (like most of western medicine) is a crock of shit.  I'm not manic or depressive.  I am naturally hyperactive, and full of energy.  Does that make me sick?  Is my supervisor, who is hyperactive, sick?  How about Conner---the attractive young man who is more hyper than me?   How about Josh?  Why don't you poison their work pods with lithium?  Before you put me on this shit, I had no serious mental health issues at all.  But you don't want to control them, do you< like you me>
I can't ignore my body though.  My body cannot take much more of this abuse.  I am going to have to choose between one of the drastic options I see before me.  It is the only way to salvage myself.  Even now, I think it will be at least 6-9 months before my body is back to the good health it was in, and my inner voice keeps telling me the damage is permanent, and I think I know what they mean.  The whole left side of my body is in constant pain from muscle spasms.  Fucking pigs.  They have no idea of how much I despise them.  But one thing for sure.  They have won this round.  And I have the pain and messed up body to prove it.  When will lose this weight, this acne (forget the muscle spasmst---I can no longer control my physical pain because I have been separated from my own soul and ground of healing), the insomnia (my God, it has been years since I was insomniac?  These fuckers have destroyed everything I have worked to heal.  And they have done a really good job.  All I can do is lay here and cry and wonder what is the best way for me to try to get control of my body again

The funny thing is, that I think I was a little manic depressive as a young woman, but my body naturally healed itself.  I couldn't help but notice over the years how my mood swings improved (now they are totally unmoored.  I never know from one minute to the next what I am going to do or feel, but I know, the feeling will never be those of joy and contentment and peace, which I used to experience before).  I think I healed myself.  As a matter of fact I wonder if my hypothyroidism was a part of that natural healing (and yes, you dumb fucks---I don't give a shit what your tests say.  I have a problem with my thyroid AND YOU PUT ME ON LITHIUM!!!@@##$%&^**).  But one thing is for sure .  My body is self-destructing from the pressures of the poison, so in the next couple of weeks, I need to do something.......Two in the morning now.  I have to be up in 6 hours, and even though I am a little high from the eight sleeping pills i took, i am wide awake.  Nothing i can do.........