Slowly starting to emerge from the severe, drug-induced depression and low energy that has afflicted me the past couple of months.  But the damage has been done---and is permanent, I am afraid.  From the significant vision loss and dimming, to the nerve damage that has my leg feeling like spiders are constantly running over it, to the severe back and neck and shoulder pain (now I understand how people get addicted to painkillers;  the only time I can block the pain now is with drugs), to the spreading of the painful inflammation to every part of my body, I realize my body is a total wreck, and that months of discipline and sweat and effort and hunger, have been totally undone by a bunch of Nazi doctors who have turned my body into a guinea pig and lab rat while they  forcefeed me drugs against my will, in their futile, but ongoing attempt to force me into conformity with their model of who they want me to be.  They have made it clear by words and actions that they have no respect for who I am. My contempt for them and their tactics knows no limits, and I disdain and reject all their works and pomps and lies that they forward as they try to convince people that they have my best interests at heart. They are liars of the first degree, and it never takes me long to recognize and reject one of the.  The most important thing right now for me, though, is not to be discouraged, and to try to heal the damage that has been done, to accept this fat, bloated body, even as I realize that it will take me months to lose all the fat I gained on this last go round.  But at least my mind is a little clearer now, instead of full of self-loathing and the desire to escape my body.  I can't even imagine what those idiots have done to my brain--putting a PTSD survivor like myself under such stress that I can't even breathe the air, and the muscles stiffen as they prepare for the ongoing assault.  But I have to fight back.  I'm not healthy enough yet.  But I have to work towards health.....