1/3/06---The New Year is off to a typical start for me. I woke up New Year's Day, full of joy and lightheartedness, singing "Joy to the World" at the top of my lungs, and greeting the rising sun with enthusiasm and energy. Two hours later, I was so poisoned that I could barely walk. The suffering, sickness, nausea, and feeling of being high was so immense that I fantasized about mutilating myself to cut myself off from the hateful poison bag that they have turned my body into. I cannot believe these dumb idiots who are force-feeding me their poison. My entire body is collapsing into chronic pain and physical dysfunction (not to mention rolls of fat), while they continue in their delusion that I'm going to have some epiphany that makes me appreciate their position. God, if these people only had an inkling of the sheer contempt and loathing I hold for them. Every time I see one of the cheap grace Christians, who believe the heresy that creating pain and suffering has redemptive value and moral purpose, my skin crawls with complete and utter repulsion. I saw one tonight in yoga class, and I wanted to scream at her, "Get away from me. You have absolutely no right to look in on my suffering. I am just a lab rat to you, to be poisoned with chemicals while you check my reaction. Fuck you and your sick, pathetic, twisted, patriarchal religion." The day I went to urgent care, out of my mind with doped-up torment, and suffering a severe physiological reaction, another stupid-ass Christian followed me in. She found my suffering amusing. That there are people in the world who enjoy suffering is not particularly scandalous or outrageous---that they claim the moral high ground is. But it has been going on for centuries---all that is happening with me is a 21st century Inquisition, with the political connections of Opus Dei feeding the secular arm of the government, in this case the NSA---another morally repulsive outfit, that not only doesn't have any respect for the human being, but also no respect for the Constitution of this country. I'm suffering badly. I'm in severe back pain---partly because I'm unable to do yoga. I'm doing stretching, but yoga is a spiritual exercise, and I'm totally alienated from my spirit. I have no contact with my core, I cannot breathe deeply, and I cannot push myself into the pose.I nearly had another panic attack when it came time for Corpse pose. Again, alienated from my spirit, I am completely unable to meditate. Instead, I felt myself getting more and more nauseous and high (funny how, even when the body is not functioning, yoga accurately reflects what the body is feeling---and that is exactly what I feel--nauseous and drugged.
I am so doped up, I hate life. They have totally taken my joy and spirit out of my life. Even at work, I find myself hating my job, and having no joy in talking to the customers. That never used to happen. But when you are a fucking lab rat, rather than a free human being, that is how you feel.
Get this SLI, and all your lame, pathetic, pietistic followers. I want nothing to do with your religion. You probably doped me up so badly on NY day, so that I couldn't go to the yoga seminar. God forbid, I do something spiritual, healthy, wholesome and healing.
And get this, NSA---place your electronic listening devices around me all you want. You want EVER get my cooperation.
Tired of this shit, God. Free me from this cultic fanatics, Lord....
1/4/06--I have to force myself to write. If I do not survive to fight this evil monstrosity of Opus Dei/NSA, I have to believe that somebody will follow behind me. I remember reading the words of an Amnesty International torture victim once, "they have made such a sadistic display of my body, I can no longer bear to look at my own body." That is what is happening to me--I no longer can bear to look at my ravaged, bloated, poisoned face. It doesn't seem to belong to me. But then my own body doesn;t seem to belong to me....It takes so much effort to write. these sadistic pigs have totally drained the life force out of me. I cannot concentrate. I cannot keep my eyes open. But I have to force myself to roll over and go to work. Another hatefulday beginning....
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