Today, I detoxed a little bit from whatever horrible drugs with which I have been poisoned. My truck still had vestiges of the shit in it, but overall, today was the first time that I have felt like a human being since last Saturday night, and early New Year’s Day before I went and got coffee and breakfast. I realized today when I was in the Intersections break room for a brief phone call that today for the first time since I can remember when, I actually was engaged by my surroundings, rather than cocooned from it. I saw a woman (no idea who she was), and I realized that I was really capable of seeing her as a person, with feelings and a unique personality. It was not like she was the kind of person I’m immediately attracted to---she was heavily made up and manicured and polished, all dressed up with high heeled boots , but as I watched her eat her lunch, I was able to connect with her in a sympathetic way. I saw her as a person. I haven’t engaged a co-worker (not even those I work closely with) as a person, in a long time. In the past few weeks, I have come to dread going into the break room. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I don’t want to see anybody. And I sire don’t want anybody to see me—and especially with the bloated, heavy, fat-jowled, pimpled face that appeared within the first two days of the poisoning.. This sobering truth reminds me that I could not fit (not even close) into a pair of pants that I fit into just fine a month ago. I hope that it is water gain from not taking thyroid medication, but I have a really depressing feeling about my weightgain..
I have to admit that I get severely depressed when I’m heavily under the influence of the poison (unlike now I’m just furiously outraged at the violation done to my personhood. When I feel that dope coursing through my veins, I feel like I want desperately to escape my own body, even if I have to mutilate or kill myself. I literally cannot stand it. It is as if evil aliens have come in and possessed my body. I struggle to stay in touch with my soul, which is what gives me my strength, but (for me, anyway, though I don’t think so for my Christian tormentors), my soul is intimately linked with my body), and it is very hard for me to reach my soul when I long so desperately to escape my body, and the horrible depression and self-hatred that the poison brings.
Well I will take today as a relatively good day—not a really good day—but certainly better than I’ve had in a long time. God knows what next week will bring.
<st1:date Month="1" Day="9" Year="2005">1/9/05</st1:date>—I wanted to write a long entry yesterday, as really my mind was clear for the first time in weeks. I noticed the difference in everything---I could actually drive alertly, instead of just making turns and lane changes without bothering to check or care who was in the field beside me. I watched a TV show last night (The L Word), and I really was engaged and gripped by the show. The first time I saw it, I was totally emotionally disengaged, and hopelessly confused as my mind was unable to process the characters and plotlines. It was all a mishmash jumble and I realized last night that though I watched it a week ago, I could remember absolutely nothing. I sat through it like a stoned zombie, and really that is what I have been. That is what anti-depressants do---they disengage you from reality, and that is why our unspiritual, (that is the whole purpose of Spirit---to lead you into an ever deeper engagement with reality), co-dependent, and addicted society love them. But, elated as I was over having possession of my mental faculties again, organizing my room took first priority, and while my mind seems clear, my body is thoroughly trashed and very low-energy, so that it took me all day to do an hour’s worth of work. I still am weak and shaky, and having the brain rushes that worry me so much. I was poisoned last night, but it was with the anxiety drugs—not the anti-depressants. It could have been the Advil I took. My back hurt too much to sleep so I took 5 Advil that I knew were not secured, but I was in a lot of pain. I ended up even worse, not only in physical pain (the anxiety-inducing meds always attack my joints), but in severe emotional anxiety. However, I am learning how to work my way through that, and eventually went to sleep, though God knows it was not one of my better sleeps. Dream of turquoise Indian belt and first movie.
I had especially wanted to write of a experience that I had Saturday evening with a genuine healer, but sad to say I feel dope starting to run through my body again---I don’t know if I can finish this entry-----it always steals my mind and soul…..
Very depressing last half hour. I do think I am being poisoned again. Either that or the body is in such a weakened state that it is impacting my mind. But I don’t even have any balance---a sure sign my core is weak---anti-depressants again---they attack you at the seat of your strength, vitality and energy, and I barely have any.
Also, I see that the scale last night did not lie. I’m at 184 pounds now, and it is an uncomfortable, tight fit, into what used to be my loosest pants. I realize now that the last 20 pounds I have gained, have all been courtesy of these religious/political cultist fanatics who are trying to control my body. And physically, they are succeeding very well—it depresses me to realize that I will probably never to be able to lose this fat that they are forcing on me. I might get rid of the short term effects of the poison, but the long term will last the rest of my life. I cannot bear to look at my body anymore. I don’t even recognize it. And I don’t have the energy to do any serious workouts….my future looks very very bleak. Nothing I can do right now but get up and go. Another hateful day in the life…..
No comments:
Post a Comment