Monday, January 31, 2011

Dreamed last night that I was a "yuan"

Dreamed last night that I was a "yuan"--very important dream that I hope to work on later, but first, a caveat. My brain is not working right, at all. I have lost the normally easy access to my unconscious, and the rapid-fire imaginative process that allows me to penetrate illusion to the truth and present it in a clear and respectable fashion. I know that what is going on with my brain is the result of drugs. I know because again, I am not "feeling" music. So I am not feeling, I am not thinking, I am not imagining. I am just suffering this endless hell that is my life. So I have two choices--either I quit writing or I just write out half assed ideas without putting them to the usually stringent proofing tests that a rapid fire mind and imagination allow. I have decided to do the latter. Things are moving too fast, and I cannot risk important information and ideas falling lying fallow in a drug-blasted brain. I may be wrong, and I apologize ahead of time for poor and sloppy reasoning, but I am going to have to count on others to sift the ideas and see what pans out as truth and what is just wild speculation and conjecture. My seal of approval, my sincerity that I have been humble and thorough in my presentation, is hereby removed. I really, really hate to do that, but I don't see my life situation improving any time soon, so here goes uncensored and untested stream of consciousness. For my life situation recently just got a whole lot worst (my God it is so hard to think even in haphazard fashion; I wish I could just talk it out...the brain is just a dead zone, like my belly, where they put more inorganic implants nite before last).

I think that I dreamed that I was a yuan, because I think I have become a bargaining chip, now claimed by the Chinese, after the Jesuits decided they were out of options, and passed me on, in exchange for a solid alliance. Funny thing, to think of myself as a complete slave, bargained and bartered like a damn chip. But, as a woman at the hands of patriarchal religious men, that is exactly what I am. Of course the Chinese aren't religious, but they materialistic atheists. THEY CONTROL AND ENSLAVE EVERYONE!

You remember what I always keep saying, "THAT THE NEW WORLD ORDER IS ABOUT RELIGION." Well, the 2012 year is important, because that is the year that the race of dragons return. (I noted in my last post, that I put 2011, but I think that was a Freudian slip, because for me, the dragon return has already begun, as evidenced by the Chinese now claiming astral ownership over me--for of course the Chinese are aligned with the dragons). Now understand one thing, these dragons are reptilian, too, and they are no friend of humanity's, anymore than the 4D Aryan identified reptiles are. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to take my cue from the Pleidians who call them, "lizzies." Like me, the Pleidians understand the need to keep language simple, direct and on the humorous side. So, from now on, I will refer to "reptiles" when speaking of the Aryan affiliated reptiles, and "dragons" when referring to the Mongoloid identified aliens, and "lizzies" to describe them both. For it is their war and their conflict, that happens every 3600 or so years, when Planet X returns to Earth's orbit, that has so negatively impacted humanity. I am so close to figuring out the different histories, genetic strands and allegiances of these two competing lizard races, but I don't have the energy or the mental capacity to sustain thought right now. Just know that I, me personally, carry genetic material and astral body characteristics of BOTH races, so I have no preference for one or the other, except to say that I don't think that either really has high regard for humanity. They want to set up religions to keep us mind-controlled so that they can count on us to fulfill their needs, whether it is milking us for our hormones or eating us, as the reptiles do, or using us as foot soldier pawns in their once-in-three-millenia fight against their bitter foes.
Both races have intervened in the past, and I have to say that the dragons, as compared with the reptiles, seem a little more patronizing than predatory, but that very well could be only because the dragons are only transitory visitors here on Earth, unlike the reptiles.

Anyway the freemasons (those who have access to the occult knowledge which has been mostly lost for centuries) have known for a LONG time that the dragons would be returning and that there would be major war, as well as a major shift in consciousness and so, they have slowly been making their plans--plans for cloning soldiers (almost certainly that is what my children were bred for) of the cloned 4D reptilians themselves, plans for escape, plans for defense, plans for ingratiating themselves in with whatever ruling alien race they allied themselves with. I am losing the thread of my thought, because the luciferians Sirians come in and through a wrench in the works, but basically, I think that one component of the deal that Rahm Emanuel/David Rockefeller/Henry Kissinger made with the Chinese in Chicago was bartering the astral rights to me away.

For you see, all the bad guys assume that the dragons are going to do what they did before--come in, raise hell and kick ass of their primary opponent, the reptiles, and then leave, with a "new world order" in place for another 3600 years. But the lizzies, as well as the luciferian siriansk, have always made it an essential part of the new world order, that a mind-control religion be instituted to keep the subjects, the bulk of humanity in mental and spiritual slavery. That is why all the NWO types, no matter what they profess or with what or whom they ally, are all looking for a "religious prophet" that can be manipulated to set up the new mind-controlled religion. This is why I have been so victimized, as the Jesuits, allied with the Sirians, have picked on me. But unfortunately, this time around, they are looking for a maternal goddess figure to succor the desperate descendants of the unlucky majority of humanity destined for slavery. Valerie Jarrett made a very telling Freudian slip, and even more telling, was the look on her face when she made it. In an interview with Morning Joe before the SOTU, she made the statement, "I am African American. My DESCENDANTS were slaves." These Black people, Valerie Jarrett, and the Obamas, they KNOW what they are doing. They know that they are consigning what they regard as their specially identified people to slavery, and they have made a Faustian deal with their conscience, so that they can sleep at night and serve the masters of evil. Well, I refuse to go that route. I don't care what you do to my body or brain. My descendants are NOT going to be slaves, DAMMIT. Not as long as I can breathe a prayer or type a word. I cannot know what will happen to my physical progeny. Those who have the dark skin color of my maternal heritage are at risk of this slavery, for it skin color is a major criteria in determining who is free and who is slave. I would hope that my children fight to the death, rather than allow themselves to be enslaved but that is a choice that each one of them has to make, and maybe circumstance would relent even my staunch opposition. But I know this much. I will have spiritual children too--children who have read my writings and listened to my outcry of what it is to be human and free, that we choose and self-determine who we are in our identities, bodies, and sexualities. My children will move beyond the patriarchal system where two socially conditioned/crippled halflings meet together to form a would-be whole, but rather will be strong, androgynous individuals, whether female, male, or intersexed, who, know that their spirit is closely allied with their sexuality, and are aware of and celebrate both, so that they are creative and fruitful in whatever path of life they choose to honor.

I hope that there are no slaves in the future, and it breaks my heart to think that I will be used as a goddess figure to succor them, but I cannot deny that such plans have already been set in motion by the luciferians Borg. That is why they have chopped my body all up, just as been done in the Egyptian myths of old, and there is no doubt in my mind that they have an entire corpus of lies and falsehoods in which I encourage, nourish, and support a spiritually mutilated humanity, while they look at some goddess figure with longing for another life. Except that I don't, and won't. As long as I live, I will insist that anyone who follows me has to claim their own strength and work on their own full humanity. Right now, I am so goddamned drugged that I just go through life, barely able to function. Those men and women who buy into a mind-control religion love the weak, dependent feminine. The day before the Sirians cut my shoulders off, I was working out at the community center. And it was an unusual day for me in that I was high energy (you want to know a sure fire indicator of a spiritual person--look for someone of high energy who is capable of multi-tasking and pushing agendas--its either ego or spirit that moves the person, and it will be very clear which). When I am high energy, I try to do my workouts in doubletime, because I got other things I need to do. So I was humming slong, my spirit moving my body, and there was a sullen, angry middle aged Hispanic male watching me (NOT a luciferian, but of the type vulnerable to mind control religion). Do you know what was wrong with him--why he was so angry that I had the deep spiritual energy to move my life along with ease? Because for all his gray hair, he still was living out his infantile fantasy of wanting a mommy who was only there for him, and the sight of me, living my own life out purposefully, pulled out the infantile rage that our mind controlled,patriarchal religionist society had kept festering hidden in his unconscious for decades--"mommy isn't there for me." Well the luciferian plant was monitoring the sullen boy in a man's body, and reported back to his superiors. That night my shoulders were chopped off ("bad mommy, that will teach you to focus only on me"). I learned a long time ago that when I am severly depressed and dependent, that I can count on a lot more positive attention from men (as a matter of fact, I think that the traditional patriarchal feminine norm is one of that of depression). Well, I sure am depressed and dependent now, on whatever fucking drug I am on that is draining all my energy and lifeforce, but I know that there are strong SPIRITUAL people in the world, ready and willing to do the hard work of psychological and spiritual individuation. Those are the descendants who will thrive in the future. And I know that a depressed and dependent state of being is not spiritually mature or life-giving, nor psychologically healthy. I want to be a strong intersexed person in the body of a woman, but I want to be around strong men, not patriarchal boys in men's bodies, raging in infantile desire for a mommy, or a "lady" or any other projection of their psyche that they can control. Be strong enough to relate to me as an individual, not a halfling, because the drugs are artifically depressing me now, but sooner or later, God willing (and death is the only other option), I will live out the fullness of my strong, healthy, fully individual feminist woman again. I spent the first 20 years of my life living in a patriarchal society, and I see clearly how rigidly maintained gender roles warps the characters of both men and women. I will not impose on someone else's identity, but I know what it is to be a spiritually free person, and I will not compromise my life to fit someone else's projection. That is idolatry.

But getting back to the present. I think the Sirians had tapped the Jesuits and their institutional structure to set the stage for the next epoch's mind control religion, and yours truly was the designated avatar. Except that Tita don't play idolatry games. I don't want to be the avatar prototype of godless, bloodless celibate men. I want to be a full human being, in communion with my body, my God, my Earth, and all those who cross my path. Furthermore, I think the Vatican/Jesuits are reeling, because the Forces of Good have been so successful, so I think that in Chicago, I was passed onto the Chinese (that is why I dream I am a yuan) for their avatar. For the Chinese have every intention of being the great world power for the next 3601 years or so. The dragons are their natural allies, and they are moving into place. However, they have one great drawback--they are not a deeply spiritual people. Lao Tsu aside, they do not have much of a tradition for mysticism. Confuciansism was a pragmatic religion of the Law, and the Communists are materialistic atheists. The next epoch will be deeply spiritual. Everyone knows that, even the Chinese. No doubt that realization played into their conquest of Tibet. For what is Tibet? It is a barren, cold, mountainous land---ah, but it is a land of mystics, and as soon as Mao Zedong got a whiff that there might be something to Shambhala and this mysticism thing, Tibet was doomed. But the Chinese ruling class really despises the Tibetans--they despise all religions, including of course, Christianity. But I guess that since they know that I have the same dragon blood that runs through their veins, they think that they can use me in the same way that the Jesuits hoped to use me. For even though I keep talking about the upcoming war between the lizzies, the Sirian/Agarthan threat is the long term one, and religion will be an essential part of the next world order.
Sorry, mind isnt working right; unfortunately that is the way my posts will be from now until I feel more like a human being--something i don't see for a long time...

Just saw

Just saw the latest handiwork of the luciferians. I have the sucked out, scalloped necrotized flesh thing going on at the outer of my eyelid/temple area. My left eye is much worse than my right eye. As a matter of fact, it looks like I have got a black eye. No wonder I feel so bad, and unable to concentrate on anything--the fucking PIB's have put implants directly behind my eye in the temple area--so much so that it is eating out the flesh. You know, I can no longer can stand to look at my face in the mirror, and feel my body with my hands--this is why. Every time I see some more horrible manifestion of the luciferian destruction of my body. That sucked out flesh near my eye/temple area is gone--it will never come back, just like so much of my mutilated body.

Well, I was wrong

Well, my hypothesis was wrong--it wasn't Maurice Strong who told the Chinese of the entrance to Shamhala. I kinda sorta was on the right track, but it doesn't matter. The people who matter got it right, along with a lot more. While saddened that a so-called religious leader would sell out so cheaply to the powers of evil--for a paltry one million dollars (shades of Judas, anyone?)--I can only be overjoyed that the missing Stargate and/or weapon is back in the hands of the Forces of the Good. That is, I would be overjoyed if I could experience any emotions, for the implants and viral downloads have left me not only physically incapacitated but deeply depressed. So the most I can muster is a sense of satisfaction and numb gratitude, like a dying soldier on the battlefield who has just been told the battle is won. Nice to know I didn't suffer/die in vain.

I am not exaggernating the extent of my current dilemma and depression. I just tried to read a couple of chapters of scripture to reference an article I was reading. Now, ever since these viral downloads began, I have quit reading scripture because not only do I find it difficult to read, but the implants make it impossible to enter into the contemplative state necessary for prayer (or reading poetry, for that matter). Howver, my mind is steeped in scripture. I studied it in depth, in multiple classes at university, and I have spent years reading, pondering, and praying on it on a regular basis. So nowadays, when I pick up a bible, it is not for contemplative reading, but for reference, which I have usually been able to do because of the rich contemplative history and understanding I already bring to the text. But today, as I went to read Is 19 and Rv 12, I literally could make no sense of the well-known written words in any kind of meaningful way. It was nonsense. This handicap to read contemplatively is the absolute worst it has ever been. Before, there was no emotional or soulful reasonance with scriptural or poetic text; now there is no intellectual reasonance either. I still can read for short, brief periods of time on the web, before being overwhelmed, but my ability to think through ideas and possibiliies to a logical and true conclusion is gone. My conscious mind, normally so teeming and fertile, is now barren and sterile, unable to access my unconscious mind. Is it any surprise that I am deeply depressed?

Physically, I am in the worst shape of my life. The implants cause me to walk around with the symptomology of a "dry" migraine (which on occasion, goes real). That is, I cannot bear much stimuli at all. Yesterday, I removed my sunglass shield from my eyeglasses, as it was deep twilight, but as soon as I did, I beame severely autistic. The dark glasses were preventing me from being autistically overwhelmed by stimuli, so that for instance, I looked down and saw literally thousands of individual blades of grass, instead of a dark, bloblike field. When this happens, the brain becomes overwhelmed and literally has to shut down (first thing that shuts is the eyes, so I walk around with my eyes shut). I can no longer exercise because I feel so bad physically and mentally. My favorite default exercise was bicycling, but I never know, now when the viral downloads is going to hit me so hard that I become barely functional. That is a scary, challenging feeling when it happens miles from home. So now, I am trying to walk at a local park for an hour a day. I can drive and park my truck in the parking lot, so if I become overwhelmed, I have easy access to a relatively safe exit to reality--home, with a sheet wrapped around my head, which for some reason, helps the autistic brain. But even my walks are really challenging. I suffer from chronic back pain, and now my ribs and whatever muscles I have left in my trunk are sore and locked with lactic acid. It is getting harder and harder to move at all. Then there is the constant luciferian and patriarchal bullshit with which I am constantly confronted. Of course, everywhere I go, and even in my home, I am constantly bombarded by remote viewers, with a whole range of motive, from benevolent to deeply malevolent. Still, it really pisses me off when a remote viewer comes into my field of vision, and I can tell that they are scanning my mind for whatever bit of info they can find. I also am pissed off at their hamhanded psychops bullshit (maybe not so hamhanded, but I am so experienced now at detecting it). The latest psychops they are pouring on is the "ain't heterosexual love grand?" scenario. I have seen this many times before, when I was deeply in love with Augusta. Then the players were Catholic Christians; now they are luciferians and their dupes. So let me inform you of a truth that you straight sobs, don't even realize, because you take it so much for granted. The beauties and joys of heterosexual are constantly bombarding me, and have been for years--in books, movies, Tv, and everyday reality. Like many LGBT people, part of the reason I felt alienated from reality as a youth and young adult was because I rarely had the opportunity to see the beauties and joy of gay love, which is how I knew from a very early age that I lived and loved. This is a truly painful experience. I always remember what I saw graffitied on a bathroom wall in the Castro District, the gay mecca, of San Francisco. Of course, I was in a special kind of reality heaven, because for once I wasn't in the minority, but was the norm. Colleen and I stopped to eat at a burger/pub joint whose motif was the collegiate style of raw, unfinished wood with multiple grafittis scrawled on every scrap of surface. I went to the restroom, and saw where some straight person had grafittied their sense of alienation in a neighborhood where I felt perfectly at home. They had drawn a heart and inside the heart, placed a male and female symbol, with the below caption reading, "AND PROUD." Well, guess what? Every LGBT person has to learn how to positively accept their defensiveness regarding their sexual orientation at a very early age, and I already crossed the hurdle. You stupid dumb fucks, I am not lesbian because I don't appreciate heterosexual love. I am lesbian because my being celebrates gay love. Furthermore, I will let you in on a secret. When I am full of love, because I love myself and because I am thrilled every time I feel a sexual response to a woman, heterosexual love delights me. No, I don't share it, but I am so full of love in myself that I can only be expanded and joy-filled by another's love. However, when I am denied my right to love, and made to feel ashamed and penalized for my love, then I have no joyful response to another's love. The other point I would make, is that if you knew me AT ALL, you would know that I often am stirred by heterosexual love, just as I am by every other conceivable instance of love. But goddamned theatrics and drama, especially at the service of psychops, leaves me stone cold, and resentful, especially when I see that another is allowed to be free in relationship and love, and I am not. So keep your goddamned heterosexual lover actors out of my range. I prefer the real thing. For that matter, I prefer the real thing in all areas of reality. I've got a multitude of people playing every conceivable kind of psychops game imaginable with me, to gauge my response, but not one of them man or woman enough to relate to me in reality. But I don't deal in psychops games. I am a mystic. I am open to the fullness of reality, and the more people relate to me from that reality, instead of some bullshit game, while they try to figure out my mind and emotions, the more honestly I will respond. Scriputre says, "Deep calls out unto the deep;" well, guess what, bullshit calls out unto bullshit.

Anyway, I have to find a reason to live, to hope when I feel so badly. I really don't expect there to be any change in my circumstances for a very long time. I keep remembering what Gabe said (go smoke on that, you luciferian mind readers), and I have to believe that one day I will be free of these implants. And as an aside, I will never interdimensionally travel until I am free of these implants. My brain is naturally the way, that the implants prep the brain, so all they do is make me autistic and very ill, barely functional. I am capable of interdimensional travel without any implants, quite naturally, but I will not even make the attempt until I am in a safe place, and allowed to be my lesbian self. Needless to say, I am surrounded by evil and patriarchal men who are incapable of respecting the fullness of humanity on which I insist...since they can't accept the fullness of my being, they keep whittling it down and whittling it down, hoping to get a girl child goddess image they can idolatrize (control, is a better word) in their mind, so they don't have to do the hard work of realizing their own fullness of being.

Well, one thing is for sure--I have no fullness of being now. I am barely functional, and have lost most of my strength, beauty and self-esteem, but I will count on what Gabe said, and keep trying my best to keep my body as healthy as possible.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

So close

So close to a breakthrough, but so frustrated because I am so goddamned drugged. For the last two days I have been struggling to cut through the mental molasses and mire. The world is in crisis, and I am so drugged, I can barely think. It is like I am living in my head, but not my usual, fruitful, idea-filled and rapidly moving head, but rather a heavy, dull head. I wonder if I am on the same kind of drug that I was on a few days ago when I felt very stoned. No, that isn't it, because I don't have that mellow, "don't care" feeling. I am very angry and frustrated because I want my mind to work out a problem that I am so tantalizingly close to solving, and I can't get any cooperation. The brain is just sitting dead in the water. Usually, writing helps, but everything is moving slow. I should have written the previous post, yesterday. Now, there are one or possibly two more posts I need to make, but the brain can't think. I went for a walk earlier, to try to ground my brain back in the body, and because physical activity is a great aid for thinking (at least for me). But, as usual, the viral download started and wiped out all ability to think, and then I had to walk home high as a kite, and very autistic--never a good thing. Still I have got to try. Yesterday's post came after I took a fiornal, a phenergan, 2 OTC Tylenol Sinus capsules (the "good stuff" you got to sign for--which works to ease my headaches), and a 1/2 vicodin. I was suffering from migraine and nausea so bad that I could barely type, but I still got the post out. I guess I just have to suffer through it again, but first I am going to cook supper (one reason I thought I might have some kind of cannabis in me was that I have had the munchies for two days...but I nibble. The body is hungry now for real food, even though all I do is sit at this computer and try to figure things out.

Egypt uprising even more grave

Egypt uprising even more grave than the possibility of political score points for the cabal, by disrupting Middle East harmony and financial stability. Let us not forget that Egypt is the home of the pyramids--those platforms of Sirian/Agarthan design, whose full purposes is probably known only to a handful, including the architects who have engineered the uprising. Among other possibilities of purpose, which I think are high probabilities include: the use of the pyramids as galactic and/or scalar weapons (see books and works by Joseph Farrell); an Earth grounding station when activated (to prevent Mother Earth from tearing apart when subjected to severe stress caused by such scalar weapons as HAARP, which could possibly flip the poles--one of the top objectives of the negative cabal; and a platform/stargate/beacon for Orion and its inhabitants, and also the same Sirian parasites which used them to descend to the Earth once before (see the movie, "Stargate"). Also, remember there are a lot of pre-Flood, advanced technology hidden in those ancient Egyptian pyramids, including the Akashic records (or at least the key to them), as well as other unknown items, which among other things, probably aid interdimensional travel and promote advanced techniques of healing. Now, because I am aware of the huge importance of those pyramids in the 2012 scenario, I have been monitoring what goes on in Egypt for a while. I will be the first to say that I don't understand the full scope and ramifications, but of the pieces that I have glimpsed, I do know this: Egypt, and their top leaders, including Mubarak, have been/on the side of the forces of good during the last two years. How do I know this? It's a little complicated, because I don't keep good daily written records of what I observe to be happening--I store them in my head for possible later use. Partly this is because, I absorb and retain so much information that I don't have time to write it all down; partly it is because my poor health only allows for limited exposition and recording. However, I have noticed over the past couple of years, a correspondence in my dreams, outer events, and superficial understanding of what is going on. Recently, there was something huge that happened at Luxor, where, I think, 12 or 18 sphinx statues line a road. That corresponded with a dream that the cabal had struck back, and if memory serves me correctly, a UFO (from Orion) landing in Britain. If I were to go back and look at the timeline and my blog entries, I could probably figure out what happened, but it is not the history that is important to me; it is the now. What I also noticed was that there was a quid pro quid happening between the Egyptians and the West, especially the western museums. Every time the Egyptians did the Forces of Good, a huge favor (probably granting access to the pyramid technology in order to disable or activate it, according to the needs that served the Good, and hampered the Sirians/Agarthans/Orion Dracs, the Egyptians would request that a western musuem return a piece of priceless Egyptian antiquity artifact. Now, I think the Western museums got most of their pieces fair and square, but I cannot fault, but only commend a government, which would try to reclaim the artifacts that prove and remind of their own heritage. Still, I would expect the museums to balk, so the Egyptians must have a huge bargaining chip on their side to even ask of such a favor. That bargaining chip was their favors to the Good side. Now, an interesting article that recently got my attention (in just the last week or two), was that the Egyptians were asking the German government for the return of the bust of Nefertiti, which again, was fairly obtained. That is huge, because the bust of Nefertiti is stunningly spectacular, even in the priceless antiquities category. The bust is perfect, undamaged, and classically beautiful. So when I read that, I thought, "wow, what did the Egyptians do for us, now?" Well, whatever great concession of access to pyramidal technology that Mubarak granted to the Forces of Good, in order to cement an alliance against the coming negative alien advance, it is now costing him dearly. Those riots and uprising are directly fomented by the Illuminati cabal, and there is no doubt in my mind that Obama, as the figurehead of that cabal, offered Mubarak, a different quid pro quid: "you ally with us, and give us the access to the pyramidal technology and you can keep control of your government, as well as have the heritage preserved in your museums kept intact (the rioters actually stormed the Egyptian museum; remember what happened to the artifacts in the Baghdad museum?). Needless to say, the defection of Egypt to the evil cabal would be hugely detrimental to the Forces for Good. That is what is at stake right now in Egypt.

Also, at stake is the recent advances made in human rights by the Egyptian Muslim population. Recently, the Coptic Christians had a bomb blow up one of their churches in the immediate aftermath of a worship service, targeting and killing 21 Coptic Christians, because of their religious affiliation and beliefs. Same old, same old Muslim jihadist heresy bullshit. EXCEPT, that this time, in response, the decent Muslim people took a proactive stance, so that the following Sunday, a large Muslim crowd, acted as human shields, so that the Christians could worship at their Coptic Christmas Mass in peace. That act of bravery received practically no attention in the mainstream media. Yet that is PRECISELY what I have been hoping to see from the Middle East Muslim population, as an indicator of human and spiritual maturity. You see, the good people of the world can not stop the lonely, the alienated, the disaffected, and mentally ill from acting out, whether they scream out "Allah ackbar" as they blow up innocent people, or whether they research dying by lethal injection as prelude to mass murder. All the good people of the world can do is demonstrate proactive concern for the right and just, even if it costs them a little something. This is what those Egyptian human shields did for their Coptic Christian brothers, and that was a truly beautiful and breakthrough act that received barely no attention. Because we do not spend enough time focusing on the positive, it does not get rewarded; the negative sure does, and right now, the negative forces are busting in laughter and high-fiving one another. If Egypt/Mubarak falls/defects to the side of the evil cabal, it will be a crippling blow to those of us in the good side.

Friday, January 28, 2011

It's a sham! It's a sham!

"It's a sham! It's a sham!"--That is what CNN quoted as being said, at the scene, about the uprising in Egypt. More prosaically, DrudgeReport is on the scoop, too--see this article they linked on their site:

But I prefer, "it's a sham!"--because that is about the fourth time this week I have hear or read reference to "Sham"balla (I just listened to someone briefly mention the etymological link between "sham" and Shamballa). I realized in one single day that the repeated mention of Shamballa was, what Jung would call synchronistic, or James Redfield/New Agers would call purposeful, or the luciferians would call a revelation of "ANA" code. It all started innocently enough with a listen to that great Three Dog Night song, "On the Road to Shambhalla." Of course, the song reminds me of a time when I believed in innocent myths that tickled the imagination, sort of like the harmless childish myths of monsters under the bed. But now, monsters abduct me every night while I sleep, and perform the most heinous of operations and medical experiments on my body, so that upon awakening, the first thing I do, is wonder what the fuckers destroyed in my body while I slept. Likewise, I now realize the land of Shambhalla is no innocent, mere myth. For at the same time that I was picking up on multiple mentions of "shambhalla" in Internet chatter, there was a spate of articles on Agartha and/or the hollow Earth. For those who have followed this blog for some time, you know that I believe that Agartha is a real place in inner Earth. In Christian scriptural language, it is known as hell for the imprisoned demons. From the very beginning, I have warned about the Agarthans. I have mentioned that, from the friezes in the pyramids that I can tell that in ancient Egypt, the Sirians and Agarthans had an alliance, which they forged in order to overlord the humans (I can remember the symbol for the Sirians, the dogfaced god, Annubis, but the symbol I am trying to recall as symbolizing the Agarthans eludes me--but I remember at the time, that it was a very solid, very certain connection). Are the Agarthans 4D reptiles? At least some of them, for sure, but there may be other races in inner Earth as well, and if some of them are innocent, God-fearing beings, I apologize for any slander, but the preponderance of evidence I have seen tells me that the overwhelming majority of beings there do not care for humanity at all, but control and manipulate us. So, of course I go on high alert when some of the channels, such as Sheldan Nidle talk about Sirians and Agarthans making nice with humanity after all these years. I know how they "made nice" with humans millenia ago in Pharaonic Egypt. Now understand, I am not saying that Sirians and Agarthans are irredeemable enemies of humanity, but I know that the luciferian Borg are, and I think, on top of their ancient historical hostility to, and disregard for the human race, many of the Sirians and Agarthans who profess "light and healing" for the human race, are co-opted by the machine. I have the machine attempting to co-opt me now, and I can tell you, there is nothing human, humane, spiritual or ascending about their values, methods, or objectives. My suffering, and contemptuously ignored free will and sovereignty as a human person is evidence of that. No spiritual being ever forces an imposed identity on another, as has happened to me. But I digress.

All this talk of Shambhalla and the reality of a hidden, interior Earth, came upon the visit of the Chinese president, Hu Jintao, to the United States. Now understand, after years of counterfeit deals made by the shady rogue government and the Federal Reserve, as well as the deliberate, criminal mismanagement of the US economy by the Baby Bush administration , that China has a powerfully dominating weapon in dealings with the US--they hold an immense amount of our debt, some legitimate, and some utterly bogus. The patriotic leaders of this country (NOT the treasonous traitor and murderer, Obama), have been working hard to resolve that debt burden, while keeping the US economy from crashing catastrophically. I think that the Chinese came to the US last week to make a deal, albeit, a very demanding, hard-nosed one, but while they were here, I think they got an offer from the rogue government that they just couldn't refuse. In my next post, I hope to go more into timelines, details and hypotheses (because I haven't figured it all out myself), but for now, let me just say that I suspect that they were given MORE promises of American technology, such as from GE (some highly classified)--more on that, later, AND I think the location of Shamballa (inner Earth entrance was involved). The question I cannot fully answer for myself is, did the Chinese come to the US, knowing the entrance to Shambhala, and used that knowledge as a heavy handed bargaining chip, because of course, the Illuminate, Aryans, and Reptilians claim the inner Earth as a second home. Remember, the Chinese are genetically descended from the "dragon race" of Planet X. Fhe dragons are the bitter enemies of the reptilians, so it would be a scary thing for a reptilian to know that their sworn enemy, knew an entrance to the great inner Earth hiding place. The dragons are coming back into Earth's orbit in 2011. The reptiles will all need to disappear via galactic intestellar travel or hide out under the Earth in Agartha, for the dragons will scour the Earth looking for them. If this hypothesis is true, and I think it is (I suspect Maurice Strong may have given them the information, in exchange for his freedom, and the freedom of the "Beast." Of course, they would leave this planet and look for another planet/population to victimize.

The other option is that the Illuminati struck a deal with China, and to show their good faith, they told them of the Shambhala entrance, or one of them, anyway. What would China get out of such a deal--I would not be surprised if the dragon race is already in contact with the Chinese govt. Maybe the Chinese promised free passage tot he Aryans/reptiles from the Earth and Moon, Mars and in exchange for a complete upending and sabotage of the financial arrangements the Patriot Leadership team worked so hard to develop. In any case, it is clear that the Chinese struck a deal with the Illuminati cabal on the trip to the US. It was finalized in Chicago, after Hu met with Rahm Emanuel, and David Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger, both top tier leaders of the western cabal introduced Hu to Chicago corporate types. Of course, remember Chicago is the home of the Climate exchange, Maurice Strong and George Soros' brainchild to become the new richest people on the planet. Also remember Strong has been living in China for three years now, and almost certainly is tight with Chinese leadership. Whatever the details of the deal, Barack Obama was an inspired man after that day. He came back with the glint in his eye, that yes, once again, he was going to be president of the world. What did Obama have to deliver to the Chinese (and remember, his wife even wore their colors at the state dinner--already ingratiating themselves with their new overlords). Well, I think Obama agreed to make sure that no financial deals that would insure the sovereignty of the US, would go through. I think that he agreed to be a figurehead world president in exchange to offering the severed "head{" of America (financial, industrial and military powerto the Chinese on a platter). After all, Obama has conspired with the Chinese (and Strong/Soros) to destroy America before. But he didn't stop there. Killing two birds with one stone, he would make the Illuminati cabal old guard happy by creating a bloodbath in the Middle East. Everybody is happy--the Chinese get control of the world (and do not underestimate their ambition; that is their desire and they do not care what it costs to attain it). So, to stop any possible financial settlement and resolution, and to create a bloodbath in the Middle East, the cabal used a weapon that that they introduced a while back--the Wikileaks cables . Since these cables were intimately tied to the State Department, they could always be counted on to undermine Hillary Clinton, a primary leader of the Patriot Leadership team, and thus, would put her on the defensive. However, they were also to used to undermine conservative Islamic governments in the Middle East. Why? Because the Chinese are allied with Iran and Pakistan (which it will use to attack India). Iran longs to be the "persian" Aryan leader of the Middle East, and using the time-honored tactics of mind-control religion, it has to get the Sunni devotion out of the way, and unite everyone under the Shiite version of Islam. SaudiArabia is big on their hit list, but they look for vulnerabilities. First the cabal, and with Barack Obama enthusiastically on board, they hit Tunisia, and created the uprising there. I think Obama blackmailed Sarkozy to do his bidding on releasing Baby Doc back to Haiti, by threatening to create the same upheaval in Algeria and the international food market, both issues very dear to the French heart and vulnerability. Now, Obama is moving to punish the Arab countries for not going along with HIS agenda. You have to understand how a pathological mind works. Obama IS a Muslim (at least in his own duplicitous heart). He honestly meant that bow to the Saudi king. In an interview, he talked of how he had worked at "practicing his bow." He intimated that he practiced his bow for the meeting with Queen Elizabeth II, but LOL, all he did, was give her a perfunctorily curt nod of the head--like I do to people who pass me on the bike trail. No, that great knob polishing, ass in the air job with which he honored the Saudi king, took a lot of effort. But a pathological hater, always hates himself the firstest and the mostest, and so that means, he will want to destroy that which he loves and claims the most. Obama really has no country, no identity, nothing but perverted, sold-out to-the-highest-bidder ambition, and right now, the highest bidder is China, and Obama needs to turn his own self-hatred onto something that he cherishes, and his own Arab heritage and Muslim religion which he claims in his heart, is the strategic loser. Now, it is interesting what is unfolding in Egypt. I think Obama gave Mubarek an "out" to keep power. If Mubarek consents to Obama's wishes, Obama and the cabal will call off the uprising. "It's a sham. It's a sham!") No matter what, every Muslim country is put on notice that they can be undermined by Wikileak cables, and sophisticated information ops any time (Iran, of course, is safe). These Middle East countries are so full of suppressed rage because of the political, cultural, and religious repression from which they have suffered for centuries. They are ready to blow, and of course, they have no tradition of self-critique and understanding, so they will look for a "Great Satan" to blame. But just remember, the end game is for millions of young Muslim men and civilians, entire cities, to die in a contrived war. It is not worth it. The ties that link all of these items together are so complex, but I hope to take a stab at it tomorrow.

So much going on,

So much going on in the world, so much I need to study and start to hack through by writing, and SO GODDAMNED DRUGGED. I am on some kind of sedative that has me falling asleep on my feet, except that I dont stay on my feet because my legs are so neuropathic from the fluid. I saw another black "military" helicopter flying over my house as I pulled into the driveway (after they buzzed my home, twice in one night a few nights ago). One cannot mistake the sound of a military helicopter. It even sounds more ominous--guess what that says about me and my experiences. Still, I am a little worried--with so much going on, is it possible that one of the evil factions, whether NWO cabal or luciferian machine cabal--might try to kidnap me? Am I being desensesitized to the helicopters, or are they just playing mind games with me? Once a helicopter buzzed me while I was biking along the trail. I stopped for a few minutes to try to fix a jammed pedal, and spent a few minutes talking with a Native homeless man, who was trying to teach himself Spanish from a grammar. He was a gentle, unworldly soul (and there but for the grace of God, go I), and I was giving him what homeless people crave most--companionship and a kind word, when buzz, buzz, buzz--the military copter was moving top speed, coming directly from Kirtland AFB, which is less than five miles from the bike trail, and monitoring little ole me! I figured that I set off alarm bells, having made an "unauthorized" stop, and talking to an "unauthorized" (that is, anyone without prior authorization from my cabal security guards) person. I've change my mind--I am not going to subtitle my autobiography, "My Experiment with the Big Lie." I am going to title it, "An Unauthorized Life." I need to go to bed--barely able to hold eyes open...

Later...after spending two hours laying in bed, practically convulsing...I was right! That goddamned military helicopter did ELF me. I was very low energy and out of it, but I recognized that all of a sudden, I was in a terribly foul mood, hating and cursing out life. Second factor of importance--the helicopter could have elfed me at anytime, all day long, but it came upon me, just as I was unloading groceries from my truck. My parking lot is gravel. I don't know if it has been sprayed with a substance to amplify the elf, or if rock and stone are natural amplifiers, as opposed to mere Mother Earth and plant life, but there is no question that there is a reason why my yard has been denuded and stripped of its God-given, natural, and wild plant life, and replaced with stone. I guess that I can count on more helicopter flybys. In both instances, the helicopters elf weapons caused severe anxiety and rage (I guess the luciferian neigbors across the way will only use the elf technology intermittently so they don't bring too much attention on themselves--shutters were down this morning, but I KNOW WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE; it is just that I cannot do anything about it, especially when I am sick all the time. Another note: fucking luciferians continue to abduct me and cut on me. As I lay convulsing in bed, I could feel the pain in my abdomen. I guess they are fitting every organ in my body with their nanotechnology in hopes that it helps me to interface with the goddamn machine. NEVER MOTHERFUCKERS. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU GIVES ME THE CREEPS AT BEST, AND AROUSES MY CONTEMPT AT WORST.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What do I have in common with Barack Obama?

What do I have in common with Barack Obama? A blogger ("darling") from Texas captured it on a screen shot from Fox Nation:

Yep, I recognize that shallow, scooped groove. I can look at my left arm, and see the exact same scar running from the underside of my wrist to the middle of the left arm. If I swere to look at my feet, I would see the exact same scar, grooving from the shin to part way down each foot. If I could bear to closely examine my head and neck, since the interdimensional cranial surgery, I wouldn't be surprised to find the exact same scarring groove. I can't bear it, though. Unlike Obama, my mutilated flesh causes me deep grief, but still I recognize that scar.

These scooped out, shallow grooves are the result of MULTIPLE alien interventions and body work. These scars did not appear on me all at once. They grew over time, and multiple abductions. The cutting or lasering occrs whenever the luciferian implants cause the nanotech, virus-laden lymphatic fluid to build up, instead of circulate, and I think they cut/groove the flesh in order lance the excess fluid out (which can cause severe edema and a lot of pain, as is happening with my wrists and knees right now), and finally, they try to build a better canal for the fluid, by literally carving out the necrotized flesh. No doubt about it--physical proof has confirmed my intuition--Barack Obama is carrying around major luciferian implants in his body, and by the look of that scar, he has had major cranial/facial surgery to better facilitate excess fluid, and is carrying around a massive amount of fluid on his brain--all the better with which to interface with the machine! That is why an alert reader can see the cranial/facial changes over the years. Unlike me, who has resisted the implants, and their mind-control domination for years now (and have suffered mightily because of it), I suspect Obama was happy to sign over his free will, moral scruples (not much to give up there), and conscience--
"just make me President", reptilian/sirian overlord--"and I will do anything you want." I have a feeling he has worn out his knees and browned his nose multiple times to that refrain. The lucky latest winner: Rahm Emanuel and China's Hu.

I have been wanting to follow up on this for a few days now. There has been so much going on, and even as I write this, there is even more happening! But I have been seriously ELF'ed and flattened with drugs the past few days and it makes it hard for me to think. I believe that I am in a lot of trouble. When the xeriscaping of my yard happened, the grass and sod (and all of the lush--for the desert--foliage and cacti was pulled up and replaced with gravel. Now the luciferian neighbors have opened up their window blinds that have been shuttered for four years, and I think are beaming some kind of ELF weapon toward my home. The closer I get to the outside wall, the sicker and dizzier I get. I think the gravel may have been shellacked with something to amplify the effect of the ELF wave. Why I am not suffering now so badly now, after being miserable all day, I can only guess. But I am thinking that I am going to have to move. I hate to do so, when I am in such poor health, especially since I know the rogue agents and luciferian PIB's will only follow me wherever I go, but I'm not going to be able to live with that kind of weapon turned on me at will. So, I have been thinking about how best to go about that (after I already paid the landlady for next month's rent, I've got some time). In the meantime major things are happening outside the world, and I have been too sick to even think about it, but maybe tomorrow I will try...

Gandhi subtitled his autobiography,

Gandhi subtitled his autobiography, My Experiments with Truth. My autobiography could be subtitled My Experimentw with Lies, Liars, and Duplicious Illusions. For that is the luciferian agenda. Ever since I talked to Dale about my normal dream state, which is vivid and hi-def, and how I had such a strong reaction to even small doses of melatonin, the Pricks In Black have been messing with my dreams big time. In addition to the neverending virus downloads, they are forcefeeding me drugs which really interfere with my ability to dream, both in content (no longer any meaningful, symbolic dreams of narrative, but just broken fragments of the mundane), and in delivery. The dreams are no longer vivid and up close, so to speak, but tiny and far, far away. I struggle to remember even a single image upon awakening--and awaken I do frequently. Indeed, I think I am waking up after every ream sleep. Deep dreams are a way of communicating with the living and true God, the underlying deep reality and truth. The luciferians aren't interested in true reality or true God. Indeed, their strongest desire is to hack into the dream state of as many people as possible, and put in their symbolic lies, hoping to spiritually enslave humanity through false dreams. I knew when I told Dale about my dreams and melantonin that the PIB's would use it as a weapon against me. I assessed that danger and my inner self gave the go-ahead anyway. Why? The only thing I can think of is that I wanted to know and learn how to fight back against any and all responses the luciferians threw at me. I guess since I have no communtiy of peers to protect me, and with whom to exchange information, all I can do is be a guinea pig in dangerous, victimizing experiments and form my own conclusions, which I then try to place out here, in hopes that it will help others. For I would do for others what has not been done for me--help others to rage against the machine. But this experiment with the Lie has taken its toll--I have had only one real dream (and it was just a fragment--of me playing electric guitar), since that conversation with Dale. Nor am I able to get REM sleep--every time I start to dream, I wake up. I think it fair to say that the luciferians are using sleep deprivation as their latest mind control technique. And it is wearing me down. It also is possible that I am being given drugs to interfere with my sleep--I know from my stint in the psychiatric hospital that depakote does that, but if so, I am being given huge dosage. For I am so drugged up at night, when the dosage begins, that I am in a semi-psychosis state of reality. Whatever I am being given also makes it impossible for me to think through any problems or ideas, or for that matter to concentrate to read. Normally my mind is teeming with ideas and hypothesis and scenarios, that I keep twirling around and around, over and over, until they lock in a perfect rubik cube. And yes, my thoughts move at lightning fast speed--especially when I am going over and over them again repeatedly, looking for that last piece to lock. That is one thing I have learned from experiments with the Great Lie--you want the brain to move and think fast; the faster the brain works, the harder it is for mind control to take place. That is why they are slowing our kids' brains down with ritalin and other psychotropic drugs. Anyway, it is very depressing to remember that there were a couple of lines of inquiry that I was working on, and to be utterly unable to pursue them in any fashion, even a compromised one, whatsoever. It is as if my brain is as empty as if I were a mentally handicapped idiot. For that matter, it is hard to do anything at all. I need to redo my work space since the luciferian neighbors have increased their capacity to violate my privacy, now that they have successfully petitioneed to destroy the natural charm and beauty that was my outdoor vista. Cant do it. Unable to even get up the effort to go watch tv. Severely depressed. Time to go back to bed for a few minutes. Dont feel well at all....
Just forced myself to try to think, and realized even my own thoughts are far, far away, instead of up close and personal where I can work with them. Amazing the damage these pigs can do to a human with their chemicals. Is it fair to say that the luciferian agenda is to separate the unconscious mind from the conscious control of the subject and turn it over to the evil, parasitical conbrol of the machine?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A dud of a day

A dud of a day--woke up twice last nite to helicopters hovering over the house. Suffering from exstreme anxiety--dont know if it was something the helicopters did, but sure didnt sleep well. Have been miserable all day with a problematic stomach--think once again the luciferian pibs pulled my thyroid meds. Had energy for part of day, but was disappointed because walking is no longer the joy it once was. I'm sick and tired of being shadowed by those goddamned luciferian mind readers every where I go--fucking pigs give me the creeps. It is to the point i dont even want to work out--there will 2, 3, 4 remote viewers all trying to get in my mind. I just cant believe those pigs dont understand how violating that is to the human person. As if that wasnt bad enough, the fucking luciferian PIB's/remote viewers who are my neighbors had my landlady destroy the lush, wild looking landscaping of the intermediate yard between us--leaving everything bare, denuded, and muddy. I guess the remote viewing assholes who live across the way want unfettered access to my windows--I noticed that they pulled up their usually shuttered blinds as if to say, "no privacy here." I am sick over the destruction of the yard, but it is just one more humiliation, one more privation, on more cross I have to bear as long as evil reigns, and right now it does. Sort of like the bicycle flat tire I discovered I had--I didn't have a flat tire. It was done on purpose so that I would take the bike to the shop, pay more fucking money, so they can put some other kind of transmitter in it...kind of like the way I paid 300 dollars for a filling which now is painful every time I bite down. I wouldn't mind if I could just have a little something to make me feel good, make me happy, sane. Physical exercise used to do it, but now it is a drudge. Ended up going to to the park and walking, and even light walking causes pain in my fucked up back and pelvic girdle. On top of that the fuckers messed with my shoulders again, making it very hard to do anything at all without pain---they are not right at all, in their current contortion. They never will be right again. Hands continue to bother me--I havent been able to use my left hand for three days now, the pain is so intense--and I suffer from exquistite nerve pain in the fingers of both hands--question--are the nerves on my fingers dying and being destroyed like so many of my other muscles and nerves? I have no sensation in them except the painful pins and needles. Yep, the good guys have taken a hit, and that means for me, more pain and misery. wish i could move--but im so fucked that ive lost all my strength and willpower. On top of that, ive noticed the brain rushes starting again. Going to be hard to try to sleep.

Juust a horrible day. hope tomorrow is better.

Monday, January 24, 2011

No dr visit today

No dr visit today--slept to noon. Suffered terribly all day with joint and nerve pain. figured out the PIB's are giving me massive infusion of the drug--somehow they are able to give it more directly--dont know how. But I know now that what I am suffering from is rheumatoid arthritis. My body is recognizing what my mind recognized long ago--that i am being poisoned. I am in severe pain all over. Earlier i felt a walnut lump sized knot in my lymph node in neck--i felt it there over ten fifteen mins, and then it was gone--where did it go? To attack all my nerves and joints in my body. I will have to get some kind of serious medication for this. The pain is severely disabling, and i cannot concentrate on anything much at all. This may be the ticket for disability, but I can't live another year with this kind of pain. It is just too goddamned much. I find it difficult to walk to bathroom. Huurts to sit. to lay down. to tpye. all body is affected, needless to say, the same brain rushes driving me crazy--its just the pain is worse. they also are messing with my digestion. For the past two days i have had the most painful stool of my life--taking colace now--hope that helps that. but this pain is unbearable. my reality is unbearable.

addendum to previous post

addendum to previous post...wonder if all these problems on my right side are related to the ongoing pain in my right tooth. I knew that when I went to the dentist that my right back tooth was okay, but he showed me where the filling had dropped out and replaced it. I thought that the PIB's wanted to add a transmitter of some kind in my tooth, but now I am suspecting that it is some kind of drug stinger that they can acess going all the way up to the brain stem. cant be sure. doesn't matter. Just really sad how much money I have spent over the last years while the goddamned fuckers take every attempt of mine to heal myself and turn it against me.

Also got a chance to see how really autistic i am--it is a little self-test for me. I play solitaire. first of all, it tells me how obsessive compulsive I am, since I never play games when im healthy but get hooked when im o-c (sometimes if im working on a tough problem and my head is thinking in an obsessive compulsive manner, i will engage in obssessive compulsive behavior while my mind keeps going over the same info over and over again looking for the aha breakthru. Playing solitaire also tells me how attentive to reality I am. Am I aware of the cards on the face, and in the deck? When I miss plays and lose badly, I am very bad off. This morning, it was worse than that. My brain literally had trouble identifying and responding to the card value. I can t see the spread, just one card at a time. I am worse than autistic--i am brain damamged in this state.

Every morning I wake up

Every morning I wake up, and the first thing I notice is how alienated I feel from my own body, like it doesn't belong to me. The second thing is, I wonder what the Nazis did to me while I slept? I try to figure it out, but my body is so alien and different to my own self-perception, inevitably I give up, though sometimes I will spontaneously cry. Then the third thing that happens, is that I have to will, to force myself to get out of bed. Life, the dawning of a new day has become hateful to me, as I wonder what hell I will experience next.

Every night the PIB's cut on me, and experiment on me, and there is nothing I can do about it, because those aliens and their stenchmen, have no respect for God, the human, and most especially the feminine. They are infantile men, with the key emphasis on infantile, living out a warped fantasy of control and domination. Yesterday, I woke up, feeling that something was done to the hips. I got up, and tried to do some exercises to work it out, not very successfully, but I at least I could try to do something. This morning, however, I woke up, feeling something had been done to the right side of my neck and head. I have been having neck problems (as a matter of fact, I think that is related to my TMJ)ever since the rat pigs changed my cranial and facial structures the first time. But this time it was very bad and relentless spasm. So, I got up, and noticed immediately that I am severely autistic, so autistic that I can barely open my eyes, because there is no way that my brain can process all the stimuli that comes in from open eyes. Even as I type this, my eyes are mostly shut. I am suppposed to go to the dr. for a spinal tap today. It will be very difficult to drive in this condition. I don't know if my head has too much spinal fluid. For the past few days, it sure has. Last nite, the fluid was so heavy that I had to take two hands and lift my head up off my chest to see my netbook screen. Instead, I think my torturers tried changing my brain structure around, and may have done something t omy brain stem, which is where the autistic sensory disorder originates. I wonder if they put something int my neck leading to my brainstem?
I also find it very hard to move. Even the eyeballs don't want to move--frozen eyeball symptoms. I can only move my legs in small steps. Again, it is going to be veryy hard to get to the hospital. Now, I am noticing that it is hard to hold up my head--feeling that old familiar pain of the mutilation ache, too...Not going to be a good day.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Recovering after a night of screaming-in-agony pain. I was suffering from retinal flashes behind both eyes, and my right eye was not able to see images in the dark at all. I was convulsing so badly that I was truly afraid that my neck vertebra (the one that has been relocated down lower by the PIB's) was going to snap. In my pain, I can literally feel where the Nazi doctors have cut me up, and it confirms what my inner voice has already told me--that I am going to suffer from serious, painful, and expensive medical complications for the rest of my life, because of the mutilation done to me. This morning, both my body and brain feel limp and unresponsive, as if I have just survived a terribly traumatic assault. And so I have. For the umpteenth time. I am in a lot of relatively recent nerve pain in my hips. I have suffered that excruciating nerve pain, ever since my trunk muscles were cut out, and the fat from my one time waist, transferred to my hips. With all the extra, redistributed fat, there is just too much pressure on my nerves. There is also too much pressure on my joints, because I have lost so much supporting musculature. Last night, I could feel the terrible pain in my right knee that occasionally grips me when working out--haven't felt pain in that knee since I quit doing aerobics years ago--poor knee--it has all its supporting musculature cut out. I tried to do a little yoga, but it is hard to be in a body that I no longer recognize as mine. Everytime I would go to feel the body/mind connection, I am reminded of how miserable the mutilated alien job has made me. I cannot do even simple, basic yoga moves that anyone off the street could, such as get the shoulders to lay flat while doing a simple twist with the legs. Still, I long for a chance to heal, but I am pretty certain that healing will never happen as long as the implants are in me. I saw from her recent spate of interviews that Nancy Pelosi has had her implants removed, and boy, what a difference that has made in her self-presentations and verbal exposition. For years now, commentators have remarked on the disconnect between her body language and her words--she is an Italian, and they should work naturally, in good harmony. She would often come across as flaky and erratic, and I remember Larry King, the ultimate softball king, getting upset with her, because she was incapable of processing the easy question and formulating an appropriate answer. It was the implants. Nancy Pelosi is a highly intelligent woman, and like me, I think she is naturally hyperactive, but, just as happened with me to some extent, the implants turned her hyperactive verbal fluency into neurotic, and flaky as hell jerkiness. Towards the end, I think they were also beginning to cause brain damage to the point that her verbal ability was no longer commensurate with that of a public speaker. Maybe that is why the PIB's agreed to the implant removal. Or, maybe she made a deal with them to get them removed. In either case, I am happy for her, because she was accelerating down the path of irretrievable brain damage, and now she seems so much more centered and rational. Of course it is a little late, and the damage has already been done--there is no question in my mind that the emotional disconnects resulting from the brain implants severely hampered her effectiveness as speaker of the House, not to mention that they contributed to the really poor decisions she has made in the last few years. Also, I do not envy her the crushing bad karma and guilt that she will carry for a very long time. I cannot make any deal or cooperate with the PIB's--I am too aware of how powerfully evil and nefariously hateful they really are. So I will continue to suffer--how long I can continue with these kind of traumatic assaults on a weakened body, I do not know. For, despite my resistance, the implants hamper me as well. There is a powerful lot going on this weekend and my mind has several lines of inquiry it wants to pursue, but I am just too limp, both physically and mentally, to do much more than move in slow motion....

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Just a thought re: previous post...

Just a thought re: previous post...I am wondering if Bill Clinton's recent behavior--partying like a frat boy while Haiti, (his "adopted" nation and proud responsibility), is in crisis is the result of sophisticated mind control victimization. I know, that, at first, this sounds ridiculous, but bear with me a little bit. Americans sooner or later, are going to have to accept the realization that JFK was our last "real" president, as we imagine them--the leaders who weigh and make the decisions. Since then, every single president has been deeply compromised by the covert intimidation and coercion of rogue security intelligence agencies, and powerful corporate forces that they may barely glimpse. This is not a moral failing, insofar as one actively and knowingly cooperates with the rogue and sinister cabal. LBJ was completely owned by them. I think Nixon tried to fight back, and his impeachment may have been the end result (any president can be impeached a dozen times over, if the ruling powers decide that it is time to go)Jimmy Carter was a deeply moral man, but could only muster occasional attacks against the cabal (such as when he implicitly "sanctioned" the raid against the Dulce aliens, to free the human slaves there, bucking Brzinski--a high ranking luciferian/satanist, who of course, was complicit in the knowledge and operation of Dulce--to do so). I am sorry to disappoint all the Reagan lovers, but he was way out the loop. One day, I might try to write a fair expose of the Reagan administration as I see it. But I didn't need his son to tell me that his mind wasn't really all that aware of the subtlties and complexities of what actually was going on. It bothers me to see people venerate him, because I suspect him of a really terrible mortal sin, which I won't go into right now...The Bush family are one of the top families of the cabal, and Poppy Bush got involved in the deep shit as a young agent in Dealey Plaza. His son, George Bush Jr., I think, aspired and wanted to be a better man than his father, but he had neither the character or the sophisticated intellect to fight back. I saved Bill Clinton for last, because I think Bill Clinton is the only real President we have had in the last 50 years who actually was able to fight back against the cabal in a sustained way. I think that he was able to do it because of his incredible intellect, his superb political skills, and because of the deeply supportive companionship of his soul mate, Hillary Clinton. Now, I know that the Clintons do not have a traditional, patriarchal marriage--they are not complents to each other, but rather intellectual and spiritual partners of the highest order. This relationship was important because Washington DC is such a corrupt snakepit, full of hidden conspiracies and rogue actions, that I think it was very helpful that he had an equally incisive and intelligent mind to figure out what was really going on, probe for a optimal solution, and then execute the plan. For understand one thing, 10 years as an Arkansas governor did not prepare the Clintons for what really is going on in Washington, for they were not "in the loop" of the evil reality that is running the government. Nor, do I think, were they prepared for the gross immorality of the Washington cabal, which literally murders with impunity to achieve their end. I know the conspiracy sites are full of hints that Clinton murdered Vince Foster, but I am a pretty good judge of character, and I don't think Bill Clinton is a murderer. I also come from a small town, like Bill did, and I went to school with people who had been together as friends and classmates from first grade to graduation, just as he and Foster had done, and I know from personal experience of the culture, that it would take a really pathological character to murder a friend that you had known since you were six. Bill has his pathologies, and I am going to get to that in a moment, but I really do feel compassion for him and Jimmy Carter because I think they got thrown into a snakepit with no handholds or ropes to lead them out. (The Bushes were right at home in the snakepit, and Reagan thought the snakes were all his good buddies and patrons who were taking really good care of America while he kept the country entertained with his acting skills and avuncular quips). Vince Foster WAS murdered. A lot of people were murdered in the Clinton Admn, just as a lot of people are being murdered now, and maybe I should write more often, but I don't reveal much, because I don't want people to know what I am thinking, until I flash a hand full of aces). I suspect that Foster was murdered because he was on a secret mission, trying to outmaneuver the cabal, from Bill Clinton, and I suspect that Clinton probably feels pretty bad and guilty about that. The bottom line is that the Clintons were thrown into a rotten, corrupt cesspool that they only dimly began to understand in the latter years of their second term. Did they get involved in dirty politics? Hell yeah, they did, because Washington is a dirty place, and they were actually fighting to implement their vision and policies, instead of letting the rogue cabal dictate the terms (and I am not talking about legislation here; I am talking about the secret stuff hardly anyone knows about). I know that they have got some shit sticking to them, but that is because they found themselves paddling for their literal lives, in a sea of shit, and when you are bailing out your boat ain sea of shit, some of it is going to get on you. I'm just grateful that while they were out on the prow, bailing out the shit, to keep the boat afloat, somebody like me, who can't abide the stench of shit, was allowed to keep my place in the nice safe hold (didn't last for long--now I live in a shitstorm too, paddling for my life..,.oh well, so much for being "safe").
Now, having said that, I also believe that Bill Clinton was groomed by the cabal, and especially the Rockefellers, from a very young age to be President (the particulars I don't know--some historian can figure it out). As an ESSENTIAL part of the grooming process, he was set up to be blackmailed, from his college years. Nobody, but nobody, becomes president unless they can be blackmailed by the rogue cabal which controls the money and the media that are the prime movers in our electoral process. I said earlier that Bill Clinton has his pathologies--he is a deeply dysfunctional sex addict. I suspect that this weakness was discovered early on by his handlers, and exploited and nutured until it became a full blown monster. That dirty little secret was all in the family until Bill and Hillary successfully pushed back against the Rockefellers and the cabal, and then, it became time to get rid of him, just like they did with Nixon a score earlier. But Bill is a resourceful and wily politician and weathered the Lewinsky scandal, albeit personally scarred and politically handicapped. Why were the Rockefellers/cabal so angry at Bill that they moved to punish their favorite adopted "son", and then fought with every weapon at their disposal, ten years later, to prevent Hillary from getting the nomination. Because the cabal knew, from bitter experience, that neither Bill nor Hillary could be trusted to do what they were told, but honestly and truly cared about the American people, AND were effective in fighting for us against the cabal which has literally been trying to destroy us since JFK's assassination. They were especially furious because Bill Clinton successfully fought back against them and the military to start a war in Afghanistan, because the cabal wanted to build a pipeline through there. Sound familiar? How many lives have been lost and how many hundreds of billions spent on that war in the last eight years, once the cabal got their hands on a "yes-man" to start their dirty, little war for them? By the way, I got that little gem of basically unknown information (which hit an immediate "ping" in my intuition when I read it) from a stated critic of Bill Clinton, Karl Schwarz, I think, but don't quote me on it.

Now, having said all this, I wonder if Bill Clinton surreptitiously has been mind controlled by the cabal--not nowhere near the extent that Obama has, but enough so that he sabotages himself every time that he starts to become a real threat. I saw a video of Bill Clinton, posted by someone who really is not a friend of humanity, and he claimed that it was proof of mind control. I am not going to look up that video to present my case, but I thought the poster made an effective point. It definitely was creepy, and it looked authentic, but I wasn't convinced that it wasn't a splice job. Still, at all levels of government and military, these sophisticated luciferians/satanists are able to use mind control techniques of every level, with practiced ease, and they would have had access to Clinton in his early years before he was hip to those kind of things. I really do believe that they are significantly responsible for his sex addiction (it's easy to hook a young man that way; just set a lot of trained honeytraps for him), but what if they took it to another level actually placed a word or image that is a "trigger" to set it off. Now, I am not naive. I know that most sex addicts have voracious sexual appetites without any mind control training or triggers (JFK is a perfect example of that), but remember, Bill has been badly burned by his sex addiction, both politically and in his family life, through both his wife and daughter. He is a highly intelligent and disciplined man, and furthermore, he is at the age when he knows that he has to monitor his health. So, it seems odd to me that he would go chasing the party scene with "youngster" athletes when our country, and the country of Haiti (which I know he cares deeply about) is in crisis. So, my question is, "was there a mind control trigger, used so that he would act out in self-sabotaging and self-destructive behavior?" Maybe Bill Clinton was in Florida because he was dealing with the Haiti issue, but his behavior seems reckless and out of control to me, and that does not often happen to a man of his stature and giftedness. (Interestingly enough, the following night, there were reports of Obama dancing with three democratic partners, Pelosi and two other congresswomen in a whirlwind twirl to "I want to rock with you." Did the cabal trigger BOTH of them to act out like that, while it pulls the strings of us poor unsuspecting puppets? Just seems odd to me). Of course, it is always possible that this behavior is not the result of a specialized mind control trigger, but is just the result of a more mundane and natural trigger such as emotional stress. Happens to addicts all the time... Well, I know that Bill is surrounded by people who love, care for, and respect him, so I hope that they are monitoring him and taking good care of him. Our country needs all the patriots and statesmen--and stateswomen--it can get--in sound physical, mental and emotional health.

I must insist that nobody get excited about this--this is just the meandered musings of a woman who is sleep deprived and who has been seriously drugged all day. I don't believe or think that mind control is happening...I'm just pondering the possiblity...


Stoned on some drug for much of the day--I mean, literally, I thought I was high on pot, especially when I went driving. I haven't been that stoned since my 20's when the last thing I remember before the lights of L.A was the I-10 overpass at Ontario. After the last few years of being drugged on every psychotropical chemical imaginable, and never knowing when another download is going to hit, I have become adept at driving under unbeknownst chemical influence. Stay focussed on the space in front of you, drive very slowly so you have reaction time, talk to yourself out loud about the lights so you can stay focussed on them and see when they change before you run a red light (especially with those damned camera tickets). Not ideal at all, but even though I knew I was high as a kite, I didn't realize how seriously impacted my senses were until I started driving. Everyone else knew though. The PNM meter reader started pawing me when I asked him a question. You know, drunk women are available women (LOL). I didn't mind--I was too looped out. I got a hate stare from a soliciting drunk--and he never even approached me--but I could read his mind. He thought I was a lush like his own self and he was hating me for it! I had wanted to go pick up some meds, but I was too drugged, but once I started driving, I saw the gas tank was on E, and I knew that I had to get gas. I started to play with my new digital camera and took it with me in hopes of starting to practice in earnest, but I was too drugged to do anything. I am too drugged to focus or read (you know, I can't even hold a book up anymore with my arms all chopped off and soldered back on, so as to meet the Nazi Mengelian specs), but just as with a marijuana high, there's little outrage and anger. I just keep stumbling through life, hoping for a break, and disappointed every time I see indications of NWO resurgence, and I certainly have seen that today.
Jeffrey Immelt of GE is the new main handler of Obama for the puppetmaster. The good guys were corraling Obama fairly well, but now Immelt (Soros must have forgiven Obama for his rank incompetency, or another heavyweight is moving Soros' high level pieces). Do not forget that Immelt was part of the business entourage that accompanied Obama to India. Just a strong suspicion that every single executive involved in that trip to India, is a treasonous traitor who knew of Obama's/the cabal's plans to destroy America with dirty bombs and tsunamis, and were looking to run and start afresh their high-profit empires from Asia, while the vast multitude of America starved and drowned. The corporate rape of America by these fascists is just beyond belief. I saw a piece on Boeing receiving 1 billion dollars for a totally dud Mexican border fence. It was supposed to be a dud! I bet it was over 900 million dollars in sheer profit for Boeing and their shareholders.

Then the political scene is starting to show a strong shift of support for the NWO/cabal. C-Span just ran a state of the union address from Poppy Bush! The polls are "indicating" (ie, leading the unwitting American public by a hidden halter) that Mitt Romney is the new Republican front runner. Romney is the cabal's choice for president, and he will be the figurehead, while the Bush family and their best buds run the white house with help from Romney's anticipated personal handler, would-be veep, Jeb Bush. I saw Geraldo prepping the field for "good ole JB", with an interview and high praise. I am not a republican, but Romney, Bush, Gingrich are all either ineffective figureheads or deeply corrupted by the cabal. Speaking of corruption, Baby Doc is managing to peer through his near catatonic drug haze to speak of his desire to help Haiti rebuild (LOL). But his presence is an important piece of strategy for the cabal, and there seems to be little resistance. Bill Clinton, who has held the title of most sincere spokesman for Haiti, is partying with NFL prima donna entertainers into the wee hours of the morning. WTF, Bill? What did you do now?

Then there is the little, mostly unknown appeal of Amanda Knox in the Italian judicial system. This woman is a psychopathic murderer from a satanic family, who not only deprived an innocent woman of her life, and the family of her presence, but she also destroyed the life of her boyfriend. HE was the one who was the basically good kid who got roped into her sex games, and ultimately a tortuous murder, all because of a blind, youthfully stupid infatuation. I followed this trial from its earliest time, because I remember when the press originally started fawning all over her, proclaiming her innocence. So I looked into it with an open mind, and I was SHOCKED by the depth of depravity I found in her, as revealed in her truly psychopathic style of writing, her demeanor, and the demeanor of her family. Maybe having worked in the justice system helps me to see right through these people,and maybe I am oversensitive because I have suffered so much blatantly outrageous injustice at the hands of others, but it really bugs me when people flaunt and escape justice. Maybe they are rich and/or powerful, and can literally get away with egregious felonies, maybe they get off because of their race(OJ Simpson in LA county), or as ALMOST happened, in this young girl's case, because they are attractive. Most good people seem incapable of seeing beyond the surface of individuals who are truly depraved and evil, and young Amanda (and her family, from what I saw of them) fits this category. Anyway, there is no doubt in my mind that this woman comes from a high level satanic/Illuminati family, and powers that be have moved everything to free her. As a matter of fact, if memory serves me correctly, I think I remember that the Vatican got involved to have this murderer's case appealed. I think that it is important for these satanically bloodlined families to show that they can protect their own. The stupidass patriarchal men want to say I am sexist or hateful to men--BULLSHIT. If that siren goes scot free to continue to live a life of pathological criminality, while her basically decent boyfriend languishes for decades in prison, I will be furious! Don't look at people's outsides--I don't care if she appears a demure and attractive young woman--train your eyes to look at their insides. And speaking of that, there is another evil woman peddling her lies and her tears on the web right now--I have seen her on two separate MSM websites, and it makes me sick, and I long for justice to be done, but there is nothing for it, at this time, except in prayers and meandering blogging (I told you I was stoned!)
One last thing, I am really tired--the fucking PIB's interfered with my REM sleep last night, I think. I didn't dream at all--but not in a restful way, but in a deprived way. I hope this doesn't happen again tonight--maybe my inability to dream (and God knows I need to dream; I always have had a need to dream, even as a young child), is why I feel so high. Certainly the brain rushes started happening again last night, but I got up. Anyway, I hope I can sleep right tonight...

Friday, January 21, 2011

severely depressed again

severely depressed again--know I am on drugs because i am thinking of slicing my arms up again. talked to Dale and tried to workout but nothing can override the fucking luciferian drugs. dont know what the fuck i got in me--hard to open eyes respond to reality, but it could just be viral downloads. so much fluid on me that i am in severe pain. thankx to the goddamned butchers i am carrying more fat on my hips (moved from natural location on my now-amputated lat muscles. extra fat causes too much pressure on hip nerves--severe pain. maybe these drugs is why i am so depressed. hard to work out but tried, but had to leave because i started bawling as i realized the full extent of my irreplaceable loss as I was lifting. whole body is fucked up. worried about knees--lost supporting muscle tissue, now there is a lot of pain. worried about belly fat--absolutely no muscles there in abs at all. motherfuckers removed them all. with all these drugs i cant but help gain weight. have told myself there is nothing i can do about it so dont cry over it. wait till i get my revenge--and I will--you motherfuckers. I am going to sue you for every goddamned penny that i can get, for the hell that you have made of my life for over a dozen years. then I am going to open an organization of TRUE spirituality, working with other poor sobs that you fucking warped, degenerate filth of the earth scum have abused, and try to heal--them an d myself. dont send any stupid messengers to me asking to work out at stannes. GET THIS MOTHERFUCKERS FOR THE 10,000TH TIME, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. EVER. If there are any good catholics out there reading this, then my recommendation to you is to get out of the institutional church because it is going down. Any future spirituality will be post-institutional--and hopefull the goddamned mind-controller religionists, of the jesuit stripe, will be erased from any position of pwer. AND GET ONE THING RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, I DON'T HATE MEN. I HATE ABUSERS OF ANY TYPE AND STRIPE, WHETHER YOU RAPE MY BODY IN MY SLEEP OR VIOLATE MY MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I got along fine with men for years, REAL men, who knew I was lesbian but who respected me as a colleague and co-working peer. They were traditional and patriarchal in their private, family lives, but in the workplace, they were nothing but respectful and supportive in the absolute maximum way possible. They werent tit hanging boys who needed a dominated female to violate psychically and spiritually, because they aren't man enough to relate to a real woman from a position of equality (and again, I am not talking about personal relationships over which every individual chooses their preference; I am talking about peer and collegial relationships). So whether or not you are my enemy, and that includes the luciferian sirians/jesuits who are respo nsible for the atrocities committed against me, or whether you are a tactical ally against the luciferians (and you know who you are), I am not either of your friends, and while I cannot stop you from violating my body and my mind, I know what I can expect from you. Nothing. The western allies made a tactical alliance with Stalin during ww2 to fight the Nazis, but the western view of humanity is very different from that of totaltarian communisms and rigid role expectations. If God wills me to ever be free of the hell I am in, I will work to spread my vision of humanity and freedom, and that is what I live for. that, and the certainty (whether in this life or the next) that i will change into a reptilian body, because one thing is for sure, i will never be a proud owner and resident of this mutilated, tortured, weakened, and pain-wracked piece of flesh again. Yet God has told me that I will get a body to be proud of--what a commentary that a reptilian body is looking more attractive to me than this poor mutilated alien job that's left after the torture committed by warped evil men, who call themselves priests, and allowed by weak, insecure men who call themselves soldiers. Nothing for it. I suspect that the hell I am in oculd continue for another year. I know what i can expect..,. and now we are clear--you know what you can expect from me.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Vacillating between rage and severe depression

Vacillating between rage and severe depression--it's not just the destroyed body and the ugly, masculinized face that the PIB;s have gifted me with me--it's the loss of energy, the loss of joy, the inability to read or focus, or even appreciate music. I think it fair to say that whatever the fuck the assholes are doing to me, causes autism, and a constant migraine headache. I can only hope it is chemically pharmaceutical, because I cannot imagine living in a world where I am this miserable, depressed and low energy. I was constipated again today--that is always a sign of some drug--don't know which one--and the mind just isn't capable of thinking with its normal spontaneity and zest, so its too hard to figure out. Mind is not capable of thinking much at all. find myself unable to read, not only poetry, but even web pages. Just don't have any enthusiasm to engage reality. Never have I been so depressed in my life--the closest it comes is when I was a teenager. Similar situation--patriarchal father who was too insecure and psychologically warped to nurture tried to destroy me (and my sister) because he hated the feminine, and could not abide any of its gift or creativity, but only wanted something on which to control and project his misogynistic fantasies. All I could do was go into "coverup" mode and wait, because I knew one day I would be free of his totalitarian hatred and destruction. I try to coverup, but I don't know what will be left by the time the PIB's are through. My body is in terrible shape, chronic pain, where they have done all their cutting, and severe TMJ. The worst, though, is the fear, that they have stolen my naturally high spirits and robust energy. I always felt that my high energy came from my sacrum, and now my sacrum feels completely dead and inert, except for the omnipresent ache of a dead something. I try to tell myself there are people who have lost their legs who have to adjust to a lower level of vitality and life quality, that i too can do it, but I can't stop crying over it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Another nite can't sleep

Another nite can't sleep --not only brain rushes, but i am suffering involuntary spasmodic jerks of the body. I took a flexeril earlier, because of the TMJ that recently cropped up. It is hard to relax the jaw when you can't close your mouth because of an overbite that didn't exist before. I will be going to the dentist again--God only knows how many hundreds of dollars I will be dishing out to try to salvage what the luciferian nazis have destroyed. Not only did they mess up my new filling, but they jerked my gumline up, so now I have periodontal problems all along my upper teeth! I am especially worried about my front cap. The gumline is so receded, it may have compromised the entire front cap. It is very painful to do anything with the gumline. Nothing for it, but to spend money at the dentist. I am almost reluctant to do so. These fuckers don't get it, don't understand that they can commit any atrocity against me that they want. I will never join them. They make me sick, literally sick with contempt. Furthermore, I will remember their true nature, every time I feel the pain of a locked lower back, that wants so much to shift pelvis forward, everytime I can't lift weights or do crunchies, everytime I feel the numbness or piercing nerve pain in my arms, and pins and needles in my hands. In short, I will suffer from pain every day for the rest of my life from these fuckers. Congratulations assholes, you can rest easy knowing that I will be pain because of your actions for the rest of my life.

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut,

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut, they manage to find more muscle to cut in my upper back, leaving nothing but rolls of fat. Knew something was wrong when I realized how baggy my regular shirts were fitting me. Took off my shirt and saw the abomination. Disgusting. Wonder if that is why I woke up crying this morning. Too be honest, I can't remember the last morning that I woke up with0out crying. Amazing to me that these stupidass fuckers think they are making me more feminine. They have made my face more masculine, they have made my ass more masculine, and while they suffer from that plastic surgery cutting syndrome, every move they make leaves me, not only more unhealthy and weaker, but dumpy and unattractive. I hate my body so much now that I can't bear to be in it. I keep wanting to push it down, so I get some solidity in the trunk area, and remove the rolls of fat in my trunk and torso--the only thing left of a once beautiful and strong body. The fucking pigs just don't get it. I am not a woman. I never have been a woman. Insofar as I accepted the role of woman, it was because of an illusory mental construct of which I convinced myself, based on a proud and positive self body image, and a maternal instinct. Now they have completely destroyed my once proud and positive body image, and the site of the breasts on my body feel me with nothing but deep disgust. I was able to believe a lie for the first 48 years of my life; now they have revealed the lie for what it was, and they think by whittling away at my body, and making me smaller in physique, fatter in body, and in constant pain from all their mutilations, that I am someohow going to find myself thinking I am a woman!!! God, their stupidity is beyond belief!!!! Even as I write this i am in pain from where they cut on my upper back, but the worst of it is the fat, no the worst of it is the pain--the pain I feel in my arms, my lower back, and now my upper back from all their mutilations. I have to be careful of how I walk because with every step, my back threatens to go out, since i am no longer anatomically correct. No man in a feminine body could be more hatefully miserable than I am right now.

Then,I have to wonder if I will ever feel joy again. Ever since they did the cranial mutilation of my face, leaving me more masculine (but thank you assholes, having a masculine face will be helpful when I go to get the gender change operation that I will get), I have been severely depressed. I know, because I cannot bear to listen to any music whatsoever, not joyfully familiar pop melodies, not classical works, not even New Age meditation style music. As a matter of fact I find all sound to be deeply intrusive, whether it is the banal inanities of Piers Morgan, or my favorite journalist, Bill O'Reilly In short, I am walking around with a "dry migraine", unable to bear even normal stimuli. Nor can I read--the mind is not able to focus or concentrate much at all. I want to just lie in bed and fantasize--fantasy is so much more attractive than my hateful reality right now, but I force myself to get up. So the big question I ask myself is, "am I ever going to be happy and joyful again?" Are the PIB's giving me some psychotropic drug that has me so miserable, or is it just that the virus downloads are able to act with greater efficacy, and if so, do the viral downloads literally block the spiritual joy which is my normal state of being. Joy, like all emotions, surely has a chemical component, so are the luciferians able to block it, which they then replace with the ersatz false bliss of a serotonin high? Why would they block joy? Because joy born of the spirit provides resistance to the machine, while the serotonin mind zombies are passive and docile drones. But spirit ultimately, does not depend on emotions for its power. I may feel like shit, but yet my actions still will be based on conviction. Yesterday I read a horror story about a Long Island mother and child who abused their animals horribly, keeping their mouths shut with duct tape, in a filthy home. Hard to believe, on the surface, but as I read the story, I realized they were close to Montauck, and the daughter had the left side of her face swollen as with viral fluid. Were they unfortunate subjects of the Montauk project and experiments? As above, so below...was their natural decency as humans, undermined by the fact that they were treated like lab rats? I am in very bad shape, physically, mentally and emotionally. But no matter how badly I feel, I will not act out inhumanely. I would never do to another what has been done to me. But neither can I act out with proactive spirituality and joy--the fuckers have completely cut me off from it.

One last statement that belongs in yesterday's post really--from the looks of him, Baby Doc is a drug addled psychotic. It would be the absolute worst case scenario for Haiti's future for him to return to power. The cabal has to know how degenerate and incompetent that man is--their complete lack of regard for humanity is beyond belief.