Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut,

Just when I thought that there was nothing left for the fuckers to cut, they manage to find more muscle to cut in my upper back, leaving nothing but rolls of fat. Knew something was wrong when I realized how baggy my regular shirts were fitting me. Took off my shirt and saw the abomination. Disgusting. Wonder if that is why I woke up crying this morning. Too be honest, I can't remember the last morning that I woke up with0out crying. Amazing to me that these stupidass fuckers think they are making me more feminine. They have made my face more masculine, they have made my ass more masculine, and while they suffer from that plastic surgery cutting syndrome, every move they make leaves me, not only more unhealthy and weaker, but dumpy and unattractive. I hate my body so much now that I can't bear to be in it. I keep wanting to push it down, so I get some solidity in the trunk area, and remove the rolls of fat in my trunk and torso--the only thing left of a once beautiful and strong body. The fucking pigs just don't get it. I am not a woman. I never have been a woman. Insofar as I accepted the role of woman, it was because of an illusory mental construct of which I convinced myself, based on a proud and positive self body image, and a maternal instinct. Now they have completely destroyed my once proud and positive body image, and the site of the breasts on my body feel me with nothing but deep disgust. I was able to believe a lie for the first 48 years of my life; now they have revealed the lie for what it was, and they think by whittling away at my body, and making me smaller in physique, fatter in body, and in constant pain from all their mutilations, that I am someohow going to find myself thinking I am a woman!!! God, their stupidity is beyond belief!!!! Even as I write this i am in pain from where they cut on my upper back, but the worst of it is the fat, no the worst of it is the pain--the pain I feel in my arms, my lower back, and now my upper back from all their mutilations. I have to be careful of how I walk because with every step, my back threatens to go out, since i am no longer anatomically correct. No man in a feminine body could be more hatefully miserable than I am right now.

Then,I have to wonder if I will ever feel joy again. Ever since they did the cranial mutilation of my face, leaving me more masculine (but thank you assholes, having a masculine face will be helpful when I go to get the gender change operation that I will get), I have been severely depressed. I know, because I cannot bear to listen to any music whatsoever, not joyfully familiar pop melodies, not classical works, not even New Age meditation style music. As a matter of fact I find all sound to be deeply intrusive, whether it is the banal inanities of Piers Morgan, or my favorite journalist, Bill O'Reilly In short, I am walking around with a "dry migraine", unable to bear even normal stimuli. Nor can I read--the mind is not able to focus or concentrate much at all. I want to just lie in bed and fantasize--fantasy is so much more attractive than my hateful reality right now, but I force myself to get up. So the big question I ask myself is, "am I ever going to be happy and joyful again?" Are the PIB's giving me some psychotropic drug that has me so miserable, or is it just that the virus downloads are able to act with greater efficacy, and if so, do the viral downloads literally block the spiritual joy which is my normal state of being. Joy, like all emotions, surely has a chemical component, so are the luciferians able to block it, which they then replace with the ersatz false bliss of a serotonin high? Why would they block joy? Because joy born of the spirit provides resistance to the machine, while the serotonin mind zombies are passive and docile drones. But spirit ultimately, does not depend on emotions for its power. I may feel like shit, but yet my actions still will be based on conviction. Yesterday I read a horror story about a Long Island mother and child who abused their animals horribly, keeping their mouths shut with duct tape, in a filthy home. Hard to believe, on the surface, but as I read the story, I realized they were close to Montauck, and the daughter had the left side of her face swollen as with viral fluid. Were they unfortunate subjects of the Montauk project and experiments? As above, so below...was their natural decency as humans, undermined by the fact that they were treated like lab rats? I am in very bad shape, physically, mentally and emotionally. But no matter how badly I feel, I will not act out inhumanely. I would never do to another what has been done to me. But neither can I act out with proactive spirituality and joy--the fuckers have completely cut me off from it.

One last statement that belongs in yesterday's post really--from the looks of him, Baby Doc is a drug addled psychotic. It would be the absolute worst case scenario for Haiti's future for him to return to power. The cabal has to know how degenerate and incompetent that man is--their complete lack of regard for humanity is beyond belief.

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