Vacillating between rage and severe depression

Vacillating between rage and severe depression--it's not just the destroyed body and the ugly, masculinized face that the PIB;s have gifted me with me--it's the loss of energy, the loss of joy, the inability to read or focus, or even appreciate music. I think it fair to say that whatever the fuck the assholes are doing to me, causes autism, and a constant migraine headache. I can only hope it is chemically pharmaceutical, because I cannot imagine living in a world where I am this miserable, depressed and low energy. I was constipated again today--that is always a sign of some drug--don't know which one--and the mind just isn't capable of thinking with its normal spontaneity and zest, so its too hard to figure out. Mind is not capable of thinking much at all. find myself unable to read, not only poetry, but even web pages. Just don't have any enthusiasm to engage reality. Never have I been so depressed in my life--the closest it comes is when I was a teenager. Similar situation--patriarchal father who was too insecure and psychologically warped to nurture tried to destroy me (and my sister) because he hated the feminine, and could not abide any of its gift or creativity, but only wanted something on which to control and project his misogynistic fantasies. All I could do was go into "coverup" mode and wait, because I knew one day I would be free of his totalitarian hatred and destruction. I try to coverup, but I don't know what will be left by the time the PIB's are through. My body is in terrible shape, chronic pain, where they have done all their cutting, and severe TMJ. The worst, though, is the fear, that they have stolen my naturally high spirits and robust energy. I always felt that my high energy came from my sacrum, and now my sacrum feels completely dead and inert, except for the omnipresent ache of a dead something. I try to tell myself there are people who have lost their legs who have to adjust to a lower level of vitality and life quality, that i too can do it, but I can't stop crying over it.