Abduction, mutilation, and drugging continue

Abduction, mutilation, and drugging continue---so sick of reporting this shit. I am so sick of going to sleep and waking up without body parts. i am so sick of those GODDAMNED LUCIFERIAN PIECES OF SHIT DESTROYING MY BODY. I AM SO FURIOUS RIGHT NOW I WANT TO THROW THIS NETBOOK AGAINST THE WALL--FURIOUS AT THE ABUSE AND VIOLATION DONE TO ME. Fucking never ends. NEVER ends. I am on some kind of psychotropic drug--dont know what the fuck i am on---but it has me raging and depressed. to be honest, I have a lot to rage and be depressed about. When I am this fucking emotional, I can't be rational and order my thoughts so i will start out chronologically.

I woke up today for the first time in days, feeling like I could move, not great, but considering the hellish torture the last week has been, I was happy at the thought of being able to work out for first time in over two weeks. Been so fucking depressed every time I feel my goddamned body--disgusting and revulsed are the only words I can use to describe it--that, and the longing for death, or at least a masectomy, which is the only physical operation I want performed right now. anything to get these goddamned manboobs out of the way.

I drank my coffee and did a little surfing and immediately noticed that while? Because I couldnt listen to music, I couldn't feel it, or really open up spirit to itl. Sometimes when I have a migraine, but still want to listen to music, I listen to classical music, which I deeply appreciate, when I am in the mood. When I literally cannot bear the sound of country or rock, I listen to classical--except that I couldn't bear to listen to that either! I remember listening to a nice little allegro tune (so said the mind)by Bach, and that should have stirred me, but it left me not only cold, but annoyed at the sound. So did the following trumpet chorus by Handel, another one of my fave classical composers, which I couldn't even bear listening to. So did a harpsichord piece which should have moved me, because those always remind me of dulcimer picking. I changed channels and listened briefly to a classical guitar solo that (my mind said) was exquisite and moving, but which to me was only noisy and annoying. Even now, I have no music on whatsoever. My eyes are half shut, and I have got the "brain tumor", hating life, miserable by all stimuli thing going on.

But this was the first day in over a week that I had felt like I could actually move outside the house, so I forced myself to shower, shuddering in revulsion as I felt how sluggishly soft my entire body has become. I know that the mother fuckers are giving me hormones to dissolve my muscle. I know it. Where there used to be muscle--arms, inner thighs, there is nothing but fistfuls of FAT. (more on inner thighs later). So I got dressed and immediately noticed somehting was wrong. My entire pelvic girdle had been inverted, leaving a sagging crotch, and increasing my FAT ASS! When I say "increase my fat ass", I mean literally that there is a roll of fat on ass and hips that wasn't there. As I went to walk, I realized my stride was different, and uncomfortable as hell, especially since the fat on my inner thighs just jiggled all around and against each other (more on that later) THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS HAD TOTALLY INVERTED MY ENTIRE LOWER BACK/PELVIS AREA! Ever since the goddamned pigs castrated me, I have been suffering from intense back pain--well guess what you stupid ass medical MENGELIAN HACKS, it still bothers me. The only difference is that you took over an inch off my legs, leaving my once long legs stumpy, and gave me an even huger fat belly and thighs than I had even before. They CUT OUT MY ENTIRE INNER THIGH MUSCULATURE which used to be hard as a rock, leaving nothing but fistfuls of fat. No matter how much I exercise, I will never, ever get rid of that fat, for the muscle is gone. One of the most sexually stirring sights I ever saw was an American track star (Jackie Joyner Keirsey?) jumping hurdles. She had the most awesome inner thighs that I ever saw on a woman, and I worked FUCKING HARD TO DEVELOP THOSE MUSCLE ON ME AND NOW THEY ARE FUCKING GONE, AND I WILL NEVER GET THEM BACK, YOU STUPID FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS.

After unsuccessfully struggling to find a comfortable position to drive in my truck (I finally gave it up--what can I do, when I bought the truck, the seat settings fitted me perfectly--now, all around I have lost length--in legs, arms, torso) and my body is a stumpy, grotesque mess. Maybe someday, I can fit in a smart car, but for the rest of my life, I expect driving to be sheer misery. I expect much of my life will be sheer misery, period. On arriving at the free gym, I saw a mindwiped luciferian staring at me. I was not in the mood. "what's the matter, you never seen a freak before, you stupid fuck?" The center was packed full, and I was way too autistic to deal with any kind of lcrowd whatsoever, so I left and went to my old familiar gym, Defined Fitness. Big mistake. As I lifted the familiar weights, it became clear just how handicapped and weakened my torturers have left me. I saw a petite woman lifting 45 pound weights on a pec machine while I struggled to lift 25. I wonder if my pec muscles, are like my inner thigh muscles--"disappeared", so that I can never develop them again. I struggled with the weights as I felt, repeatedly, the loss of range in my shoulders. The most disheartening part is that my shaved shoulders aren't even average size. Most women I saw had wider shoulders than me, and the ones who didn't were tiny, petite things. It goes, without saying that I have lost all my strength, all my flexibility, and range IN EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. NOT ONE MUTILATED CHANGE FORCED UPON ME HAS DONE ONE THING TO INCREASE MY HEALTH, ATTRACTIVENESS OR STRENGTH. NOT ONE, NOT ONE. As I looked in the omnipresent wall mirrors, I could see just how ugly and mutilated those fuckers have made me--no boobs (how the fuck can those stupidass manboobs constantly get in my way, when they have no presence on my chest at all), stumpy arms and legs, a fatter torso and fatter ass, while my clothes don't fit, with sleeves coming to my elbows, and a sagging crotch in front. So disheartening. I can't bear to look at what I am now, and remember how beautifcul and strong, and even womanly, I once was. HATE THOSE BASTARDS FOR STEALING IT FROM ME. Of course, it being DF, I got the "hey ugly chick, you interested in a fuck?" I am no longer a chick, you fucking assholes, and while I despise and hate my own mutilated body, the thought of coupling with a male is even more revulsive.

The other thing I noticed about my workout was that the joy and energy was gone. Working out always used to leave me feeling better and more relaxed. I used to feel in synch with my body while I pused it--felt the joy of the body electric. No more joy in the body. I work out to try to keep myself from total muscle atrophy, but there is no more pride, delight, or joy in this carcass that I inhabit.

I could go on, but I am too upset to continue. Nothing for it. Done, cant be undone.