severely depressed again

severely depressed again--know I am on drugs because i am thinking of slicing my arms up again. talked to Dale and tried to workout but nothing can override the fucking luciferian drugs. dont know what the fuck i got in me--hard to open eyes respond to reality, but it could just be viral downloads. so much fluid on me that i am in severe pain. thankx to the goddamned butchers i am carrying more fat on my hips (moved from natural location on my now-amputated lat muscles. extra fat causes too much pressure on hip nerves--severe pain. maybe these drugs is why i am so depressed. hard to work out but tried, but had to leave because i started bawling as i realized the full extent of my irreplaceable loss as I was lifting. whole body is fucked up. worried about knees--lost supporting muscle tissue, now there is a lot of pain. worried about belly fat--absolutely no muscles there in abs at all. motherfuckers removed them all. with all these drugs i cant but help gain weight. have told myself there is nothing i can do about it so dont cry over it. wait till i get my revenge--and I will--you motherfuckers. I am going to sue you for every goddamned penny that i can get, for the hell that you have made of my life for over a dozen years. then I am going to open an organization of TRUE spirituality, working with other poor sobs that you fucking warped, degenerate filth of the earth scum have abused, and try to heal--them an d myself. dont send any stupid messengers to me asking to work out at stannes. GET THIS MOTHERFUCKERS FOR THE 10,000TH TIME, I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. EVER. If there are any good catholics out there reading this, then my recommendation to you is to get out of the institutional church because it is going down. Any future spirituality will be post-institutional--and hopefull the goddamned mind-controller religionists, of the jesuit stripe, will be erased from any position of pwer. AND GET ONE THING RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, I DON'T HATE MEN. I HATE ABUSERS OF ANY TYPE AND STRIPE, WHETHER YOU RAPE MY BODY IN MY SLEEP OR VIOLATE MY MOST INTIMATE THOUGHTS WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I got along fine with men for years, REAL men, who knew I was lesbian but who respected me as a colleague and co-working peer. They were traditional and patriarchal in their private, family lives, but in the workplace, they were nothing but respectful and supportive in the absolute maximum way possible. They werent tit hanging boys who needed a dominated female to violate psychically and spiritually, because they aren't man enough to relate to a real woman from a position of equality (and again, I am not talking about personal relationships over which every individual chooses their preference; I am talking about peer and collegial relationships). So whether or not you are my enemy, and that includes the luciferian sirians/jesuits who are respo nsible for the atrocities committed against me, or whether you are a tactical ally against the luciferians (and you know who you are), I am not either of your friends, and while I cannot stop you from violating my body and my mind, I know what I can expect from you. Nothing. The western allies made a tactical alliance with Stalin during ww2 to fight the Nazis, but the western view of humanity is very different from that of totaltarian communisms and rigid role expectations. If God wills me to ever be free of the hell I am in, I will work to spread my vision of humanity and freedom, and that is what I live for. that, and the certainty (whether in this life or the next) that i will change into a reptilian body, because one thing is for sure, i will never be a proud owner and resident of this mutilated, tortured, weakened, and pain-wracked piece of flesh again. Yet God has told me that I will get a body to be proud of--what a commentary that a reptilian body is looking more attractive to me than this poor mutilated alien job that's left after the torture committed by warped evil men, who call themselves priests, and allowed by weak, insecure men who call themselves soldiers. Nothing for it. I suspect that the hell I am in oculd continue for another year. I know what i can expect..,. and now we are clear--you know what you can expect from me.