Friday, July 31, 2009

Going out of mind

Going out of mind with headache pain. Fucking never fucking ends. I want to beat waszlls blow my brains out, take pills and knock out. I AM SICK OF SUFFERING THIS GODDAMNED PAIN AND SHIT. i nevcer escape it. for schrist sake . i never escape it. too fucxking sick to concentrat e. just want to knock out.


LMAO--at the complete futility and stupidity of the torturers who "hack" into my unconscious at nite trying to get me to bite on their warped, sick, outdated, misogynistic, and even downright evil, vision of reality. You stupid patriarchal fools--after years of reading everytjhing Ive writt4en, and taping everything Ive said, and you still think that John Paull II is some great hjero to me. PFFTTTT. He was like my father. I respect him for his manhood (not very many males these days mature into manhood), but reject his narrow visiion of reality which was bult on the dualistic notion of the feminine as infersion. He may have had a lot of faith, but in the end he was duped by luciferian spawn because of his patriarchal myopia. All he looked at was dogma and belief and could no longer discern hearts, or intuitively feel his own body, which is why we have a satanic blackheart sitting on the papal throne. I rejected, years ago, what John Paul II represents. Do you not realize that even in my dreams I wascrying because I realzie that the imagery of lies you are feeding my unconscious is NOT WHO I AM. Get it, assholes. I am sick of telling you this. I am not a celibate. I am not a heterosexual. I am a lesbian who will never be happy or spiritually fulfilled until I am allowed to be free in sexual relationship with another woman. I dont give a fuck about your stupid preconceptions about sexuality and celibacy. I disagree with them all, except for the need for chastity. After two days of sheer hell, I am trying to recover but i cant because i still lhave way too much speed in me which makes it impossible for me to do brain vibraytion or to stop the spasming of muscles. I went to yoga but it was painful, and i am in severe psain now. BUT I DONT CARE. KILL ME MOTHERFUCKERS. DESTROY ME. RUIN MY LIFE FOREVER. BUT NEVER NEVER NEVER WILL I SUPPORT THE ROMAN CATHOLIC WARPED VISION OF REALITY EVER AGAIN. I never know how much to fight back against the torturers tormenting me. After all, the better I feel, and the more productive I am, the more shit they dump on me, but I don't care. After what I have been thru, and the pain i endure every singgle day of my life,I want you fuckers to know how much I despise you, and your entire warped vision of pat4riarchal reality. Too bad fuckers. I am not one of you, and gave it all up a long time ago, so keep your goddamned lies to the tens of millions of sheep who still believe your deceit and duplicity.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Another lost day from hell

Another lost day from hell as I struggled, not very successfully, with the effects of psychotropic overdeose. went to dr. but was so messed up that my vision was weverely impaired. i knew i couldnt do a viausal field, and i knew i couldnt drive with dilated e yes so i went home and slept all day lon with a sheet round head. got out of bed to watch gone with wind--why do i watch depressing movies whne i am so depressed---just makes me doubt that i will ever be happy? now after movie fucking goddamned implants download their shit again. i had to take a lil alternative therapy to get rid of the fucking pain that just had me fantasizing bout a bullet in my brain, now i just want to go to sleep as easily as i can. im afraik that it is going to be another nite of needing to medicate self into unconsciusness. feel so fucked up . i wish i were unocnscious. As bad off as i am i have to try to get up tomorrow and mail off rent, do bank transaction, but i am so gaoddomned drugeed dont know if i cna

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Deteriorating badly

Deteriorating badly--too sick for bicke ride. took shower, could not leit leg into bathtub. had to take arm to to lif let . only risperdol and lithium makes me so catatonic and musclelocked so fast. both make me enraged. dont know how im going to make it to dr tomorrow. dont koow if i can get out of bed. too early for bus. too fucked up to drive and parking is true nmitemare. cant keep my eeyes open . want some kind of drug ot knowck me out. now forever. please you fucked up govt opus dei psych pull a cornrad murray and od me on whatever poison u have in me so that i could end this fucked up hell that u have made my life.

Defeated again

Defeated again--after a few days of feeling halfway human, the fucking assholes have shoved their goddamned psychotropics down my throat again. Gone is my energy, my emotional well being and happiness, and my ability to actually think through a fucking problem and tryt to come up with plans and ambitions. Gone also is my ability to do any kind of brain wave vibration. Which means Ive got fucking csf in my fucking head driving me crazy. Try to do vibration but belly is cold as ice and i cannot get the head clear and i cannot get the energy to move. Pretty soon I will be an inert fucking vegetable agina, but the sons of bitches dont care. the sad thing is i see the shit hitting the fan soon, which means i expect to die soon, becaus e i have no intention of working for or with the piesces of shit who have destroyed my life. i would like to live like a FUCKING HUMAN BEING for just a fucking year or two before dying, do you get it assholes? DDO YOU JFUCKING GET IT? leave me alone. too fuckied up with alol this goddamhnbecx csf to fucking do anything, and i have to get up at seven in morning and i dont know how i m going to do it when i am so fucked up...Did I mention how enraged whatever shit i am on makes me? ji just want things at the wall. i d curese but i dont have enough goddamned energy./

Monday, July 27, 2009

Good news and bad news...

Good news and bad news...good news is that I have pulled myself out of the depressive funk I was in by doing an hour of wave vibration every day. The bad news is that the more I try to keep my body clear, the more the goddamned assholes pump me full of alien shit. I never know when I am going to be waylaid by massive headaches or dead legs and grotesquely swollen ankles, not to mention the goddamned ADD that accompanies this shit, and makes it impossible to concentrate. Of course feeling halfway human and not walking around like with all the genuine symptomology of a frigging brain tumor has some drawbacks. It's Maslow's hierarchy of needs--simply speaking, once I feel halfway human, I want to feel fully human. I have been fully human before and I miss it, dammit, I miss it terribly. To be honest it has been over 12 years since I have been fully human, and while I did my best to fake it for the first couple of years, the loss is too heavy now. I was asked today, "Have you ever been married?", and the longing hit so deeply again--the desire to be committed in intimate union with a partner. Hell, I don't even care if society lets us lesbians get married. I just want to share my life and interior hardships and thoughts with an intelligent, sensitive woman who has the balls to take on the kind of evil that hammers on my life and soul. I don't feel lonely when I am walking around, barely able to hold up my head or open my eyes. The only feeling I have is of misery, despair, and truly, the longing for death. But when I am halfway human, then the desire for intimacy and partnership, for productive and gainful employment gnaws at me, and I long for the idyllic if difficult days when I had them. So physically, I am on a path of healing. Now I have to do something about emotional healing--some ideas kicking around in my head, and no, you fucking pricks who r reading this, it has nothing to do with a religious conversion that leads to celibacy, nor does it have anything to do with chakra activation and astral planing so that some luciferian parasite can latch on to me. The kind of love that I hunger for and need is completely human. Got to figure out a way to get that met.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Some success with getting back a modicum of vitality

Some success with getting back a modicum of vitality--I have to force myself to do an hour of personal dahn yoga. I don't know where I would be without it, but the more I struggle to keep my body going, the more the goddamned aliens download their SHIT into my brain and body, so I am in a no-win situation. I can tell how much SHIT is in my system just by looking in the mirror and seeing the bizarre not only unhuman, but anti-human eyes staring back at me. Thank God I am a strong person for there is nothing that causes more repulsive self-loathing than seeing that badge of slavery that separates me from my own humanity and God. I see Oprah Winfrey is the latest dumbass to jump on the alien bandwagon (but I guess I should have suspected that years ago with all her pursuit of "cheap grace that she has demonstrated over the years. Also I remember her statements about Obama--"every word he says is dipped in unvarnished truth." Any person of authentic spirituality would have recognized what was really going on. I read, that for the first time, her ratings are going down. People don't realize how truly "alienating" and offputting those goddamned alien implants and eyes are. Nothing spiritual about it and certainly nothing to be proud of, much less display on a magazine cover.
There's good news tho'. More and more, I see authentic and true people fighting for America, freedom, and the human race. The list of people I pray for regularly keeps growing--just added a new name today (it's better not to say it--true freedom fighters have enough negativity and hostility from the forces of EVIL to deflect without me drawing any further attention to them...Time to force myself for another hour--looking at grossly swollen legs and ankles with stretch marks running up and down my calves and on top of my ankles.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Depressed and gaining weight again

Depressed and gaining weight again--so drugged up that I can barely move, much less even consider doing physical exercise. I try to do some Dahn yoga, but I am so fucked up tht it is hard to do anything at all. But I can look at myself and see how much weight (muscle turning to fat, even if the numbers don't change) I am gaining. So I have to force myself to move even if I don't feel like it, if I am dragging my body around. I am feeling once again that good people, holy people are putting their life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness on the line in order to face and fight the coming EVIL. I had my life, liberty and pursuit of happiness stolen from me years ago, but I still have to stand by my Christian vocation and fight the same EVIL that is scoring point after point while the forces of good are largely unaware. First things first. I have to fight to keep my drugged, implanted slave body as healthy and fit as I possibly can. So keep fighting Tita, and keep praying for the people who are fighting the good fight.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Body vibrating

Body vibrating as it desperately tries to heal itself from all the goddamned energy stymied in my body. Once again, I have neuroapathic legs. Cant feel. Cant walk. All I can do is vibrate and curse, while I suffer the agony of spasming muscles. I no longer am doing dahn yoga and body is becoming as dead as a rotten tree. Tired of this shit motherfuckers. Give me my goddamed body back.

Third day of waking up

Third day of waking up feeling like shit. I am now certain I am on some kind of psychotropic that is draining my energy and causing major problems with stomach bloating and digestive problems. I am too tired and listless to do much of anything and all I want to do is sleep. On top of all that, my back muscles are spasming. I want so much just to have some energy , just to be able to work out or feel like I can ride my bike, to be able to read without feeling like I cannot keep my eyes open. I am reading dark material and I don't have any psychic energy to shield myself (I don't have any energy at all), so I let it go. Eight in the morning, already I am so tired and drained that I am dragging myself about, except that my spasming back muscles are killing me so I am going to lay down.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Majorly fucked up

Majorly fucked up--in time for bday tomorrow. took a fiornal to deal with the heaache, but nothing stops the rage in me. on some kind of drug that has me crawling out of my skin and wanting to pound doors and heads. lucky i made it home. i had gone to a rest. yoga class but by end of class i could barely walk. then i had to drive home so fucked up i shouldnt have been on road. sme old motion sickness, i am standing still while everything rushes at me. too fucked up to do my chores, grocery , bank po. got home went to sleep , now I am awake but head si so heavy and hurts so fucking bad. i am really sorry i didnt go to liquor store. i desperate.y want to be so fucking drunk so i hdont have to feel this goddamned feeling of pain and extreeme anxiety. dont give a fuck. i will just drug myself as best i can.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Body is thrashed

Body is thrashed tho brain is functional. I am able to read a little bit and process what I read instead of laying in bed sleeping all day. But still I am drugged, and moving very slowly. My back is what hurts the worst. It is completely locked up in my lower sacrum which means that I have to be very careful so that it doesn't go "out." Especially since I cannot get any care or medication from doctors. Also I am suffering from a bloated belly and serious constipation. Miserable. I also have a sore throat from sleeping in front of my swamp cooler--normally I only run it when it is over 105 or so, but I was so nauseated yesterday, that I turned it on and slept in front of it all day long. The last thing I need is to come down with swine flu. Just tired and sad that this is my miserable life and that I can barely function.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

same old shit

same old shit--another lost day to psychotropics. spent nearly all day sleeping. my back muscles are all locked up from the spasms. worthless, dead day in a worthless dead body. now comes the fun part try to sleep while they fuck with my brain some more. body hurts so much. I just long to live life again, Jesus. Please give me my life back,

bad to wose

bad to wose--spent all of last nite having mycoclonic jerks and sponaaneous whole body spasms. too sick to do anything but lay in bed. too sick for coffee. eyes wont open. legs r dead, kaput. i wish i could die of this goddamned psuedo brain tumor. all ic an do is suffer and pray my suffering helps others.

Three in morning

Three in morning and fighting hysterical anxiety. stomach hurts, whatever i am on makes me nauseated and wishing i were dead. have taken tylenol, vicodin and phernergan. nothing knowcks me out. want so desperaztely to be knocked out wish i could go to hospital and given something to put me out of misery. wish i had a gun to put me out of misery. how much fucking hell and misery can i endure. God me please helpl, smellin somerthing funny, cant stand the smell, but cant escape it.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Another day in hell

Another day in hell caused by psychotropics. too sick to do anything. listened to some goo anti-nwo mpthrees but i dont think tptb liked it. got lots of thoughts in head but too sick to order them . i just am wondering if i am going to go thru this hell for the next week and half wile or longer--if the space station "porch" has anything to do with this renewed assault on my body and psych. goddamned motherfuckers dont get it. i am a child who recognizes my free will and i will never concede my spiritual free will to forces who dont recognize it, appreciate it and abuse it at ever turn. mauybe i pend the rest of my life in suffering agony but i will not cooperat.e just suffer.

Another nite from hell last

Another nite from hell last as I struggled, cried, and cursed with headache pain from the goddamned implants. This morning I woke up nonfuctional, (tho I am drinking coffee which is a good sign). Barely able to walk to the bathroom, face swollen, autistic, with eyes wanting to stay shut, and the persistent headaches, and ches pains. I dont think its my heart, i think its implants but i am too sick to go to hospital anyway. Once again, thrown again back into survival, functional mode. No more wanderings like yesterday, wanting to play music, hoping and praying for an intimate partner, and creative thinking. Just a new to keep eyes shut and hope pain goes away.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Dont know which is worse--

Dont know which is worse--gained seven pounds in one week, from 202 to 209, and am miserable agony over my shiny bloated body. My ankles are so swollen they look like michael jacksons. Once again I have a serious proto-infection developing in my left ankle, shin area, and the nerves in my left leg are so squeezed by all the fluid that i suffer from pain allover my leg, not just in the usual areas of left thigh and ankle. This coul be another vicodin nite. i have to try to take tylenol pm first go to selpp and get out of the goddamned pain.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Edema is back

Edema is back--my body is all bloated out. Once again, the body wants to vibrate--whatever I am being force fed, it is not healthy and the vibrating desire is the body trying to heal itself. Once again, fighting with headaches and low energy. sos. Hang in there Tita. In the meantime my body is stiffening up on me--everywhere, and I have the digestive problems.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Feeling like shit

Feeling like shit, barely able to drive home from dahn yoga whih left me with a severe migrain, autism, and unable to keep my eyes open. forced meeself to go groc shopping as i planned but i was so goddamend sick could barely make it. eyes hurt so bad. this isnt a healing sign . this is a brain tumor sign. once again motherfuckerrs drugging me up making me nonfuctional.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Low energy continues

Low energy continues--nothing gives me energy. I do yoga, but feel so enervated and lifeless afterward--takes everything I have, and believe me, I am not barely moving at all. Too low energy to call my brothers. Both of them have called me, and I just let vm take it. Talking on th phone is a high energy task for me, and I cant do it in the state I am in. My eyes just want to shut and rest. I have what I call a "GABA Headache" (from the reaction I experienced when I took some otc gaba). My eyes just want to shut and rest. Hurts too much to take in any sensory stimuli--autistic--want to focus on details too much.
Eye muscles literally dont want to move. I wonder if my thyroid has been pulled as I am constipated again, tho not as bad as I usually get. Good news. Only good news. The edema in my body has gone way down, except for my head which is heavy and feels like I have claws tearing into my my brain. fortunately i get to go to bed.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

5 hours later

5 hours later and I know I am truly zapped by some drug. Totally enervated, drained of all energy. Even getting up and walking to another room takes immense effort and committed will. I just want to go to sleep. Im not so messed up as usual--able to function and think and feel (for instacnce, music) somewhat, but I cannot move or undertake any initiative, like cleaning or reading or writing. I just want to go to sleep. I'm trying to pump up to music but its not working. My belly (center of energy) is ice cold as it was with risperdol, but I am too beat down to do any belly or dah jong exercises. Besides my back is bothering me. Whatever drug they forced on me is like marijuana--too enervated to do anything at all, want to sleep, but i cant sleep it off.

Dreamed of being drugged last nite

Dreamed of being drugged last nite--the guy offered me a pipe that looked like a marijuana pipe but I was afraid it was crack. I took a hit, and it wasnt marijuana but it wasn't crack either. I said to myself its no fun being drugged when you drugged all the time. Woke up this morning with a congested and painful inner head, a mild degree of catatonia, and a feeling of not being able to walk--lack of balance--or turn my head--that is lithium in the early stages. Why did I dream that I accepted the pipe? Because I had taken some tylenol pm last nite that I knew might have been contaminated. Also, it is very possible that my drugs are getting irradiated at some place that I trust, in which case shame on me for trusting---anyway I had hoped to go to yoga but I dont know if I am going to be well enough to make.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Waking up severely depressed

Waking up severely depressed, not wanting to get up, and depressed and angry all day. No dout about it, i am drugged on something else. Just fucked up,everything fucked up. too sick to do anything.m all my gym memberships a waste of moneytoo sick to do anything

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Back to square one

Back to square one--fully convinced as i have been before that the primary psychotropic drug the luciferian fuckers are downloading in my brain is speed. Speed, as in crystal meth, which is the closest I have ever experienced this miserable hell before. Crystal meth for me was miserable. I read that some people experience euphoria and concentration. Well, it is the most hateful and drive me out of my skin and mind experience that i have ever had, and it causes me to LOSE concentration, which is why my fantasy life is so high after years of receding--I am not able to concentrate to stay on task in "reality, " as much as I wish i could. Technically i think it has to do with norepepinephrine and epenefrine (i cant even take sudafed without feeling im going crazy), but I am too drugged up on the gd shit to be able to think it thru. I just am getting to the point tht its not worth doing anything--no yog a or exercise of any kind as long as i spend my days in hell on this shit. sooner or later I will die or God will have mercy and kick out this gd evil spirit that enables me to be so victimized. I think the goddamned luciferians think that they are getting closer and closer. their problem--they don't know the living and true God, therefore they cant fathom how someone cant be fooled by lies. But they can induce and create, and I think ENJOY, suffering, and that I cannot evade but only endure and pry to God for release.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Slowly climbing back to normalcy

Slowly climbing back to normalcy but I stiff suffer from physical and mental debilitation caused by six days of drugging. I still am not perceiving reality correctly and find it strange to drive and see moving objects. My body hurts--my back muscles and spine and glutes are locked and spasmed and sore, even though I did a little dahn yoga today. My ankles are swollen, and headache rages, but I am fucntional. Thank God for a day like today.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

So high i cant fucntion

So high i cant fucntion--cant even walk in my lil house with out using hands. sensory perception so messed up cant gauge distance just a couple feet away. no way i can drive like this. finally took a shower, first in three days, could barely hold myself up in shower. barely get in, back is spasming down low, afraid it is going to go out, there is nothing i can do but take it easy and heope this drugging ends soon.

Fifth day of unbearable illness

Fifth day of unbearable illness--too ill to even drink coffee. i have to be very sick to not drink coffee. cant drink coffe.e. ccan barely get out of bed to pee. body is dead except for muscle spasms. hurts to be bedriden all day but too sick to do anything. hoped to do laundru, but am too sick. eye can no longer open, cant stand any stimule. tptb dont care, and i have a strong suspicion this has to do with ratzingers meeting with obama. obama really has no need for a channel since he has thrown his lot with islam, and no doubt is counting on the saudi king to whip the islamic faithful into mindless obedience, so i have to suspect ratzinger is trying one last time to get a christian channeler to advance his luciferian vision of the future nwo religion. theres supposed to be some kind of frequency bombardment going on--ratz doesnt care if he destroy my body or shatters my mind. all he cares is that he get a channel he can use to turn hundreds of millions catholic to blinness. obama has it easier, the hundred s of millions of muslims are already blind. have to keep my integrity no matter the pain and suffering. stay faithful to God, to me, to the true faith.

Monday, July 6, 2009


Risperdol--I figured out what is causing my sheer hell and agony. Been here before. never ceases to amaze me why these stupid fuckers keep doing the same shit over and over . same pain, same suffering, same inability to relate to reality. back and head is killing me. muscle spasms. head so heavy i cant lift but nothing as bad as themental suffering. well, guess what fuckers you are strangling my brain stem again and i cant wait. i want to die isntead of being ur fucking voddoo doll that u keep tortring in hopes that i ever have anythging to do with your sick perverted religion. good people are not so fucked as i am . all i can do is pray they succeed. i am in too much physical pain, mental tormeent to do anything else.

know its going to be a bad day when i wake up groaingin

know its going to be a bad day when i wake up groaingin. vampiric energy drain even in the morning. fucking toxic patriarchs destroying my body and life with their psyhcotropics. cant walk, cant even hold my balance or my head. not in reality. another wasted day.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Can't believe how fast I got so fucked up

Can't believe how fast I got so fucked up. Went to drive for alcohol and tylenol pm because i am too fucked up to be in my life. i want to be drunk. and stoned. and fucking out of it. Been here before when i was on lithium. maybe iam on lithium. i am suffering from intense rage and hatred, and lithium gives me mood swings. lithium also gives me catatonia and in just a couple of days i have become catatonic. could barely drive. cant turn my head to see. reaction time is shit. i am not in reality. like lithium, i just want to get drunk so i dont have to feel this fucking psychotic reality i am in that makes it impossible to even watch tv. time to get drunk get rid of this fucking wasted life that the goddamned fucking piece of shit ratzinger christians r doing to me/

Feeling like shit

Feeling like shit with heavy head and headaches. A feeling of depression that I am never going to be free, "to reclaim sexuality and soou." Instead I am going to have evil parties fighting to use me for the rest of my life. I try not to be so down but I can't help it. My life has been taken from me and I will never get it back. All I can foressee is pain and suffering.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

After a brief respite, drugging begins again

After a brief respite, drugging begins again. Had to drive to store to buy tampons and got incredibly sick from motion sickness as I watched all the images i pass look like they were moving at me. Migraines and sick headachnes with neausea again. cant take fiornal. am hoarding it. think on a different drug but not sure. body wants to vibratre try to get rid of heavy head but too sick to do anything but lay down. so sick of this shit. i want to be a human being again, with a life. im sick of this constant shit. i evny sarah palin. i wish i could say to ptb i dont want to play the game anymore. take your furcking goddamned implants and your psychotropic drugs out of my goddamned system and let me just be a human being again. too sick . to care.

Friday, July 3, 2009

I spent all day in bed

I spent all day in bed drugged with some weird psychotropic that made it impossible to get up. Had a hellacious migraine for the first half of the day, which followed a night of absojute misery and pain of migraines and nausea. Since then tho, I have mostly just been too drugged to do anything but lay in bed and sleep. Spent about on e hour trying to watch a very familiar star wars movie, but too sick to follow the dialogue--same old psychotropics of being unable to wath moving images on tv. Its a pretty bad day when one is so sick the cant even watch tv. whatever they gave me, also gave me a period for the first time in a year. so it must have done somehting hormonal. im hoping im well tomorrow, because I dont have any more tampons and im too sick to go to the store. Time to go back to bed and sleep, too sick to read anything on the Net. My brain is so clear relatively and uncongested that whatever drugs i am being given are potent and immediate, as in the old good days before these fuckers fried my brain with their drugs and implants.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Totally fucked up

Totally fucked up on whatever kind of psychotropic these goddamned reptilians have put in my brain. Can't keep my eyes open fucking headache, swollen and infected ankles. Great. Going into fourth of July holiday knowing that my govt. has sold me out to the greatest goddamned evil on earth and getting ready to enslave whatever part of population they dont murder thru vaccination and illness. too sick to go any further. help me God....worst of all is the emotional fucking anssiness and rage caused by these goddamned drugs. Im just so fucking pissed off--want to smash things, cuss out asssholes, just sick of all this goddamned shit.