Monday, July 27, 2009

Good news and bad news...

Good news and bad news...good news is that I have pulled myself out of the depressive funk I was in by doing an hour of wave vibration every day. The bad news is that the more I try to keep my body clear, the more the goddamned assholes pump me full of alien shit. I never know when I am going to be waylaid by massive headaches or dead legs and grotesquely swollen ankles, not to mention the goddamned ADD that accompanies this shit, and makes it impossible to concentrate. Of course feeling halfway human and not walking around like with all the genuine symptomology of a frigging brain tumor has some drawbacks. It's Maslow's hierarchy of needs--simply speaking, once I feel halfway human, I want to feel fully human. I have been fully human before and I miss it, dammit, I miss it terribly. To be honest it has been over 12 years since I have been fully human, and while I did my best to fake it for the first couple of years, the loss is too heavy now. I was asked today, "Have you ever been married?", and the longing hit so deeply again--the desire to be committed in intimate union with a partner. Hell, I don't even care if society lets us lesbians get married. I just want to share my life and interior hardships and thoughts with an intelligent, sensitive woman who has the balls to take on the kind of evil that hammers on my life and soul. I don't feel lonely when I am walking around, barely able to hold up my head or open my eyes. The only feeling I have is of misery, despair, and truly, the longing for death. But when I am halfway human, then the desire for intimacy and partnership, for productive and gainful employment gnaws at me, and I long for the idyllic if difficult days when I had them. So physically, I am on a path of healing. Now I have to do something about emotional healing--some ideas kicking around in my head, and no, you fucking pricks who r reading this, it has nothing to do with a religious conversion that leads to celibacy, nor does it have anything to do with chakra activation and astral planing so that some luciferian parasite can latch on to me. The kind of love that I hunger for and need is completely human. Got to figure out a way to get that met.

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