Monday, May 31, 2010

Crying all Memorial Day

Crying all Memorial Day--nop doubt the jesuit satanists are rubbing their hands hinking im on the verge of some conversion--assholes have never known me, still dont. crying because of wasted life--wasted life in wars, wasted life in the Gulf, and most of all, my own wasted life--as I am too goddamned sick on psychotropic drugs to do anything. Cant read, write think, enjoy life or others. Cant clean house or focus. I dont know what they have me on now, but i am not only in severe pain but high as akite and not in physical reality at all. had to walk to grocery a couple of blocks away for tylenol pm. have to haave it. in too much pain at nite, and am out. it felt like it took hours to walk to store, not in reeality at all. wasted life while these fuckers rape my mind, destroy my body and violate my free will. id rather die fighting than living out thes hell.

so fucking drugged not functional

so fucking drugged not functional. can barely keep eyes open. hands swollen and shiny from all the fluid in body. so goddamned depressing to be so fucked up. cant clean, cant read cant bike cant fucntion. Last nite i suffered from the brain/nrvous system rushes that make it impossible to sleep. everytime one hits it jolt the entire body awake, drives me crazy. i wonder if im on lithiu,// lithium causes it. dont know. just know im so fucking sick and miserable, imso sick of being sick and miserable all the time. . left arme dead.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

After a day of feeling human, drugging starts again

After a day of feeling human, drugging starts again--not in reality. Not able to maintain thought or process reading. this is a big issue when so many things are happening and I cant follow and process things through as they happen. Leads me wide open to error which i was on north korea. so much going on right now in the world. i need to pray for our country our (true) leaders, our Gulf coast lands and residents, our wounded Mother Earth. Instead, I am so fucked up im not able to do much of anything. Drugs also makes my rotate outwrdly, fucked up my legs and nerves. LEgs numb, severe outward jpronation in lower back makes lying down normally impossible. I DONT HAVE A NORMAL LOWER BACK PHYSIOLOGY YOU STUPID FUCKS! The goddamn downloads are destroying my body. unabe to do much yoga. just want to go to sleep.

Friday, May 28, 2010

After hell nite

After hell nite trying to recover. Pain from last nite unbelievable. now im still in pain but im so goddamned drugged as to be barely functional. severely autistic. in the inusrance office, i had to change chairs. the cutout they had of a waving woman actually looked like a real woman to me, with real emotional affect that was impacting me. God help me. I am so fucked up on these goddamned drugs. just want to end it all. especially the goddamned pain.

Thursday, May 27, 2010



Don't know what they have added to the mix

Don't know what they have added to the mix but I spent last night in agony , not able to breathe and with painful spasms. My belly keeps getting worse, more and more distended with bloat, and downright painful to touch. I've got the stool consistency that says migraine, and i can feel it in the back of my head and neck, along with the nausea. Whatever they are giving me is really messsing with my stomach, and it hurts. I cant live with kind of belly pain much longer. I am trying to do yoga, and work out but everything, eve the simples of tasks is so hard.

Finding it difficult to breathe

Finding it difficult to breathe as muscles are spasmed to point of locking--torso, ribs feel like an iron maiden. Cervical spine really stiff an bothering me. think it is the aftermath of accident. Hard to hold head up. thesepeople dont understand i dont have a normal body or brain . they are dstroying me with this shit. need to lay down in pain.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fuckers were in my head again, last nite,

Fuckers were in my head again, last nite, trying to access my dreams. You would think they would learn that, no matter how much they violate my privacy, my conscience, my psyche, the stench of their evil pervades their every move. Oh, the evil, satanic bastards are moving too. They have put so much pressure on my brain that I feel like I've got parasites moving beneath my brain (not too far off, either--fucking luciferian parasites, even tho' they dare to call themselves "Christian" for the masses). I was too sick to even get out of bed today, so fucki8ng high and drugged on something that i wasnt even in reality. Worst of all is the relentless muscle spasms and pain. Because of the car accideent i had on friday, I desperately need the opportunity for the body to heal. Instead my msucles are so spasmed that my knees hurt from all the fluid buildup, and my feet are ice cold because of the poor circulation. The spasms have wrenched my right leg and buttock out of the pelvic girdle and it is goddamned PAINFUL. So depressed about condition of body, and my state of life. Then I see the Louisiana people, sick to their hearts and souls about their state of life and their beautiful environment, and I feel their worry. How are they going to pay for their boat payments, mortgages, kids in college, etc. They are the free enterprise entrepeneurs that I support, not the parasitic (aaah, the luciferian parasites are everwhere)monopoly capitalists that don't give a damn about the human being. I believe that the attack on the oil rig was done by the North Koreans, in alliance with the same western Nazis that engineered 9/11. Halliburton was involved, the pigs. I was hoping to be well enough to pray for discernment as I watched Hillary Clinton go to China (I knew she was making a desperate diplomatic attempt to avoid war--for really, how can the oil rig attack not be considered an act of war). I haven't been very healthy, but from what I have been able to tell, the trip was not a success, which I didn't expect, because really, I found it hard to believe (from a common sense perspective, not from any insider knowledge or discernment) that NK would act so brazenly without explicit Chinese support. Then two weeks later, Kim Jong Il was in China getting another handout--"Gulf Coast blood money"--which is the only thing that keeps his failed, disatrous economy and state going. China has been begging for a war, and even though we are weakened and overextended, I don't see how we are going to avoid it, if only (or maybe, initially, through proxy). Unfortunately, China is the country operating from the position of financial, military, and strategic advantage (they have cornered all the vital resources of the world, including rare metals, and oil). Even more disturbing is the pondering going on in my heart of (once again) the possibility of the explicit undermining support of Barack Obama. Obama couldn't go any lower in my estimation. I know that he doesn't love himself or this country, but like the (truly) psychotic, fractured Manchurian candidate and no-self that he is, he longs for something to validate an identity he has never had nor worked to develop--he is just a mind-controlled platform of narcissism and vain ego impulses, but he thinks if he can be the first "world president" he finally will have the identity and self-respect that has eluded him his entire life (and it is his fault--he is lazy and never did the hard work of developing self and character). He doesn't doesn't work that way. I think there will be a world government someday, but for it to be a success, instead of a monstrosity, it will need to be inaugarated by someone full of love, love of self, family, and identity--national and familial.
Of course, Christian prophecy despises the notion of a one world government, and I believe that it will be a source of the most evilly powerful anti-Christ this world has ever known, but I can't help but feel it is a challenge that the human race must accept and successfully overcome if we are to move forward as a race. Anyway, that is something I continue to pray about.
I also am praying for discernment to learn if Barack Obama once again did the bidding of his Nazi masters. ("Anything, just make me the first world president, Maurice"). I have strong suspicions because Obama made an "interesting" trip to Afghanistan a couple of months ago. The web "conspiracy theorists" noted that his clothes were covered with dust, and they couldn't figure out why. Of course the cover story was that he went to upbraid Karzai, but I, along with most other people who truly follow current events, know that Obama is a puppet who gets zero respect from all the real leaders of the world. When Karzai is upbraided, it is by the defacto leaders of America--Hillary Clinton and the military (of which Robert Gates is the most visible figurehead).
So, I wondered, what was the real motive? Was he just wanting to humiliate Karzai so that he could feel better about his own pathetic self? (I've noticed that he really enjoys humiliating people, and like a petty third world tyrant (to whom he is more psychologically akin than to an American statesman--or stateswoman, he powertrips and humilates others so that he can feel good about himself. The only web analyst who seemed to really hit a reasonant nerve with me (was it Sorcha Faal) mentioned that he actually went to meet the Chinese in Afghanistan, and somehow I brought in Maurice Strong (I don't remember if I got a hint, or if I just know that Maurice Strong has been working with the Chinese for over two years now, to destroy the USA, so whenever I see "Chinese", I say "where is 'Maurice Strong'"). Anyway, it was after that trip to Afghanistan that Obama reversed himself on drilling offshore, which I found a little odd, but I wondred if Obama had bit the national security bullet, and recommended that we drill offshore because he (or Clinton/Gates) recognized that we had to be prepared for war, and needed to be oil independent to do so (because China has got us outmaneuvered in the Middle East oilfields). I gave the man the benefit of the doubt...
But now, I am completely mystified by his utter lack of leadership on the issue. I know that he is not really a leader at all, but he usually is so good at pretence and rhetorical fakery of it all, but even that is absent, which is surprising because he was disturbed by Katrina, and I expected a more genuine response to the disaster that is transpiring in the Gulf. Ronald Reagan could take on a powerful union, but he can't stand up to BP? A first term governor has the balls to offer proactive, creative and immediate action (any action, for God's sakes), but Obama is just diddling--"plug the damn hole"--oh I bet that kind of language has BP shaking in their well-heeled boots, which they are so nonchalantly grinding on the necks of the Gulf citizens--all of them--the humans, mammal, fish and fowl), and even worse, Obama has been diddling since day one. So now I am wondering, was the meeting in Afghanistan with Maurice Strong, and is he once again doing Strong's bidding, and was the whole oil well drilling a setup? If so, he has to go. I feel sorry for the Democratic party politicos. The web is abuzz that the whole Obama illegitimate nomination and election was actually engineered behind the scenes by Karl Rove, and there is no doubt that Obama may very well be the death of the democratic party, but even hardboiled Democrat politicos have to put the country before the party, and IF, IF, IF, this ugly suspicion is true, O has got to go, because it will be clear that he wants to destroy this country. Well, I am going to pray on it. I am going to pray for my country, her real leaders, and all her foot soldiers. God Bless America, and all of those pouring their hearts and Seoul into their efforts.

After three days of muscle spasming

After three days of relentless muscle spasming, my right leg is now completely wrenched out of the pelvic girdle, leaving me in constant, gasping pain. I can't walk--I can only drag my leg clubfoot style. Hurts to even just lay in bed. On top of that, I got some psychotropic in me makes it nearly impossible to do anything--nauseated, want to lay in bed and cry. Cry with pain, cry with frustration (GODDAMN IT, CHRISTIAN MOTHERFUCKERS, WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO BE FREE OF YOU AND YOUR STUPIDITY, YOUR ARROGANCE, AND YOUR ABUSE? Do I have to die, then please God, put me out of misery and let me die). It's clear from my dreams that once again, stupidass, unspiritual, unfaithful Christians are claiming ownership over my life, reducing me to a slave. I cant believe their stupidity. Honestly i cant believe. Saturday, at yoga, while I suffered and struggled for over an hour to stretch out muscles, and actually had to lie down in pain for over 15 minutes, one of the sorryass Christians (the kind for whom the gospel is a model for self-effacement of personality, rahter than self-actualization of personality) turned to me and said, "don't you feel so much better now?" I wanted to go off on her right ther. "yOU GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH...HOW CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? Use your eyes woman--Anyone with two eyes in their head, anyone attuned to reality can see how much i am suffering and struglging while on these goddamned drugs." But self-effacing, "nice" "pietistic" types who join Opus Dei, and say the rosary and go to the Church, guess what--they are not attuned to reality at all, because their faith is not of the spirit but of ideological personality brainwashing. That is not my faith, my understanding of the gospel or the witness of Jesus, so please you stupidass fucking idiots, keep those pietistic lameass, pathetic wannabe human beings away from me, and especially when i am in this kind of pain. Because when i am in pain, my tolerance level for stupidity, inanity, and , self-effacing fembots who don't have any idea of what the spiritual life is about, goes from medium level to low, and I will snap. Dreamed that once again the Christians (should say conservative Catholics) are trying to force their own reality on me. It is not my reality. I am not allowed to live my reality. And I am keept drugged to make sure that I don't write out my vision of reality, because they cannot handle reality, they cannot the truth, they cannot handle a deeply spiritual person who falls contrary to their expectations, tthat is, a sexually active lesbian. As for me, I am sick, sick with the fiery pain of a wrench leg, sick with the headaches and nausea of whatever drug I am on, sick to the point i cant read, write or clean house, or take care of details. i just twant the goddamned world to end so i can go into oblivion instead of living this hell that i smy life.

Monday, May 24, 2010

So fucked up on psychotropics

So fucked up on psychotropics not in reality not able to function.. long for oblivion, especially since such severe pain. back muscles so wracked, locked spasmed that it hurts to lift a up to lips. hurts to breathe. dont know what is worse the physical torment or psychological one. all i know is im in hell wish for oblivion for pain to stop. goa head motherfuckers. glad u r torturing me. makes it easy for me to say u will never get nothing from me. hope ur remote viewers can get in my head so they can see whats going on. stupid mother fuckers the only way i come up with insights is by thing king in images u deem psychotic. good luck inside my head now that u have made it truly psycholtic, blasted and alienated. at least i am too sick to see some stupidsass christian thinking how much better i feel when anyone with two eyes can see how totally fucked up i am but u dont listen to reality, u r not aware of reality, and now u r all happy since i share ur stupidass psychosis.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

psychically raped and bludgeoned

psychically raped and bludgeoned by the stupid motherfuckers trying to use me. in incredible godawful, torturous pain and misery. eyes frozen, muscles so wracked, i cant believe the own anatomical disortions i feel with my body. nauseated, sick with migraine and head pain beyond belief as i look at a grotesquely disfigured and swollen face. nerve pain and muscle pain so bad that every instant is hell. well guess what motherfuckers? you just completely shut me down. i WILL NOT SHARE ONE MORE SCRAP OF EVIDENCE OR IMPRESSION I RECEIVE. NOT ONE. peiorid. think i wont. think again. the sons of bitches who are torturing me to the point of death to get me to channel. are going to create a world where it is better to be dead than to suffer as i suffer. dont believe me, do you motherfuckers. goddamned fucking opus dei jesuits never believed me, well gues what i keep my intentions. you have just sent me over the edge, you have killed the goose that lays the golden egg. now i have to go ot bed try to sleep in this terrible, pain.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I finally figured out what the weight gain

I finally figured out what the weight gain and the feeling of being "miserable in my own skin" is about--the goddamned Catholic fascists have actually pulled my thyroid medication which basically has severely slowed my digestion to the point of near stoppage. It's not completely stopped, but it is so sluggish that it feels like it. That is why my stomach is so bloated and feels so heavy (making me feel like 've gained 10 pounds instead of four pounds. It took me a while to recogize it, because I so instinctively try to accomodate my body's limitations and needs, so that I haven't been eating regular meals, but have been eating and snacking on tiny portions at a time (all the while wondering what is messing my appetite, and feeling guilty that I keep eating--my calorie input is about the same, if not less, but I just am not able to eat regular, well-balanced meals. I am dyspeptic (that is the word that comes to mind, tho' I'm not positive if that is the correct word. My stomach feels like it is perpetually rock heavy and trying to digest, and I feel some kind of backup (GERT?) going on clear up into my esophagus. Also, my hair has turned to lifeless straw and I have acquired huge bags under my eyes. My skin has been getting dryer for some time (vitamin D) for some time now, but now it is getting positively ashy. Fucking goddamned pigs thinking they can just jerk me around on their goddamned drugs with their goddamned agenda. Sadly for me, they are on their celibacy high horse again. I found long blondish/gray hair in my bedroom. I don't know who it belonged to, but I was pissed. The only hair I want to find in my bedroom is a medium-sized black (Hispanic) strand. These religious zealots, through their ignorance, have made my life hell for years, and continue to make it hell. More than aything else, I want to find support, love and encouragement from someone who recognizes and accepts me for who I am, and guess what Christians--it ain't you!!! I've had a small number of people who for years have truly accepted, loved and supported me. I know who my friends are, and who my detractors (enemies is too strong a word). Yesterday I was hit while driving on the freeway. My truck suffered minor damage to the passenger door, but I couldn't be angry at the young driver who was apologetic and had made an immature error in judgment and action. I was supposed to see Dr. Huaman yesterday, but even though I made it to her office, I was discomobulated and in muscular pain and tension and she wanted to reschedule. That is a metaphor for what is really going on. Well-intentioned spiritually immature people are out hitting my personhood and self identity, making it difficult for people to enter the passenger side of my life. I briefly (like for a long second saw Dr. Huaman) but got a charge of joy and happiness which I haven't experienced in a long time. I don't know what my future will bring, but I know what gives my joy, encouragement, hope, and a feeling of "home" and "family". I also know what I truly need to be healthy, productive, and creative, and that is being in a stable committed relationship with another lesbian. I am sickened to the death of the celibate frauds who have stolen years of my life and made it a living hell. AND THEY STILL ARE DOING IT!!!!! That is why I am miserable with this heavy, painful belly and lack of digestion (why pull my thyroid meds? So they can try another round of psychotropics to try to turn me into the religious, celibate plaster zombied saint of their immature dreams). I also find the back pain (caused by the accident) metaphorical for the never ending pain and suffering I've endured at the hands of these immature spiritual juveniles. Getting more practical, I need to do something about the back pain. I wish i had some pain killers or flexiril, but all i have is yoga and a heating pad. There is nothing the medical profession or chiropractic can do. I just have to work out the tension and pain. Fortunately I think i can do a little yoga today. What I REALLY want, and the body REALLY needs, is to feel loving hands massage out the pain. But I am denied that what I most need--physical, intimate, loving touch, and so I suffer through another day of pain and misery, wondering if i am going to suffer this shit for the rest of my life....LEAVE ME ALONE CHRISTIANS!!!!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

have the fucking pigs put me on lithium again?

have the fucking pigs put me on lithium again? ask because i am goint catatonic again, severe back and abdominal wall pain. head and neck is catatonic too remember very clearly how mny entire abdomen locks up on lithium. cant live thru another nite of pain like last nite but already so fucked up i m going to have take major painkiller to sleep. needkess ti say, i an totaolky nonfucntional. if there idea is to prevent me from going to dr. it is working. too goddamned sick to do anything. also, gaining weight, and as with lithium, have zero appetite. eat to stay functioning blood sugar and insult to injury gain weight. im so sick of this shit. s sick of this shit God, end it please end it.

Body wracked with pain, psyche depressed

Body wracked with pain, psyche depressed--incredible pain last nite from fluid. today body is wracked, hurting. spine and back are completely jacked up. will go to yoga but hhonestly dont know if i can do more than childs pose. going to quit gym . not able to go to yoga. worse part is the depression. trying to pep myself up but truth is im severely depressed. i just have no energy no joy, feel drained hopeless, worthless. im so tired of feeling like shit all the time, and then on top of that to be in such terrible pain....againing weight ottoo. i wonder if all my suffering is because of the web pages i was reading last nite--about the demonic deception of nesara, th ashtar command, lady master magda, etc. or maybe it is because i hope to see dr huaman tommorew. they hate it when i see someone who recognizes and affirms me for who i am . something they can never do. dont know if i will be well enough to go. i need glasses and it would be truly wonderful to see dr huaman again but i am so fucked up i can barely walk, and so severely depresssed i doubt my ability to interact with anyone.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My fucking head

My fucking head--severe pain and migraines all day. forced myself to get up and go to dr for a problem ive had for years. It's a growth--i will have to get it removed. But it is not my toe that bothers me (I know my body would tell me if it waer malignant). It is my fucking head which is so damned sensitive, tender and sore. Earlier today i thought it would explode from all the the blood going to it. Im going to have to get some kind of migraine meds. the headaches im having are not bearable. As shittty as midrin makes me feel, at least it constricts the blood vessels. Im also worried about my eyes. They were so much better, but now im on some psychotropic drugs and it puts too much pressure in head and onmy eyes. I try to read, but it is impossible to concentrate with this kind of pain. It is the "speed" affect that I have experienced before. ADHD and speed makes it impossible to read. I want to shake all the shit out of my system, but head is so tender it hurts to shake it. doesnt want it. have to listen to body. I'm so fucking miserable with this shit. icant even listen to music. I cant tell if it is because the migraines just want to make me shut out all stimuli or if the psychotropics are just cocooning me from reality and life, vitality, soul and enjoyment. I'm startn to get the idea that once agins the goddamned religious nuts are lining up, ready to give the lobotomy so that i can be the lifeless, plaster saint they want. Sickening, pathetic. I read Hildegard von Bingen's wiki page yesterday. Boy, what a disgusting number some opus dei hack did on her. They took a brilliant, creative, and truly spiritual (highly idiosyncratic and defiant towards authority), and turned the article about her into a diatribe against gay sex and masturbation!!!! LOL. Only the goddamned fucked up totally unspiritual opus dei types could do that. LOL. So you can imagine what this rebellious lesbian is up against...Dumbasses have been wrong about me on every single issue, EVERY SINGLE TIME!! And they just keep doing the same old shit over and over again, thinking this time they will get their dead plaster cast saint. But all the drugs in the world can't turn me away from what i know in my heart--I am lesbian, and I am okay with it and so is God. Furthermore, because of my intrinsic and true nature, AND because I need emotional support and understanding in order to perform and succeed at my life mission, no true creative work is going to happen until that love and support is in place. I know this because it happened that way beofre with Colleen (I was getting ready to quit my job when i hooked up with her, and she stabilized me and allowed me a place to emotionally stay and recover so that I ended up working for five years), and because it is what I've been longing for for years now. I was never a celibate, but i was going to try to make that sacrifice believing all the stupid lies and ingesting all the guilt and self hatred the institutional church throws at people. Anyway too sick to write it all out. one day i hope to free, loved and supported. Spent all nite last nite playing solitaire. sign of an autistic mind. i m more obssessive compulsive thatn people realize and when i am autistic and can't read, i get caught into ovsessive compulsive loops and fantasies. Nothing for it. i really feel that the goddamned christians are working their own obsessive compulsives and forcing it down my throat.

Monday, May 17, 2010

was i wrong--another day in hell

was i wrong--another day in hell--so drugged im dysfucntional. too sick to care anymore. realize everything i do is a waste--trying to find job, yoga, everything a waste. i am set p to be some goddamned channeler and they dont care if they rape my mind body and sirit to do it. dont give a damne about my life, free choice or will. i am worse than a slave. im not even taken care of. too sick to do anything. exctpt fantasize about death....just saw face in mirror, grotesquely swollen and misshapen with sick psychotic pupils with no irises. so fucking derpressing to realize and know how desperately i need someone to love and support me and all i have is this whale of a body i can thank the goddamned catholicss and years of drugs for, and a face that doesnt even look human. no wonder why i feel like shit. nobody could handle the mount of fluid that is in my head right now. take all kinds of shit to go to sleep but i think tomorrow ber just as bad.

Energy work, don't lie

Energy work, don't lie--definitely on some kind of psychotropics. I started crying while trying to shake. Couldn't shake--that told me right then that something wasn't right, but when i started crying for no reason, i knew for sure that i am ot just low energy i am severely depressed. depressed to the point that i dont care about anything--job, family (what family?) relationsips (what relationships?), the relationships with the goddamned pricks who have destroyed my life and body....
Tell myself not to get sucical that it is all drugs but iam so tired of my life being this never ending shit and misery.

Head clear but body and spirit still tired and depressed

Head clear for the first time in days, but body and spirit still tired and depressed. I don't know if I still am being given some additional psychotropic like Depakote, or if the body is just completely wiped out and flattened from being yanked around from one drug to another, and is just responding to the vampiric implants that suck all the life and energy out of me. I can feel the implants in me by the weakness in my arms and legs (in my last yoga class on Saturday, I couldn't even hold my body up with my arms in plank position) and the constant, "hating-life" headache with my eyes slitted to keep out any stimuli. Well, okay, maybe I'm not in a recovery state, just a better state than the last two days from hell. I'm trying to listen to music to pump myself up, but there is no energy. I always know how fucked up I am when I cannot even respond to music. I'm pretty fucked up. My house is a wreck, total wreck. No matter how bad I feel, I need to move--just so hard to move when everything is so hard and dragging. Got to try to shake to clear out energy meriians.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

hell nite

hell nite last nite as I understood how Jesus felt, asphysiating on the cross. I was so filled with fluid and muscle spasms that it hurt to breathe. I don't know if it was the spasm or thoracic fluid that caused the hell, but it was extremely painful. I nearly went to emergency room, since i could only breathe shallowly, and every time i took a regular pain, i suffered severe pain. this is hell. this is unbearable. woke up so fucked up , just wish to God i were dead because this kind of suffering is unbearable. is it related to the goddamned space shuttle. dont know dont care. just fucking miserable and wishing for death. i cant handle another nite like last night. imposible

Saturday, May 15, 2010

The druggie doldrums continue

The druggie doldrums continue--I force myself to get up and move and do chores but all zip, enthusiasm and energy is gone. House is a mess, but takes too much effort to clean. Forced myself to cook becuse afraid meat would go bad. someone like the smell of it. wasnt sure if he was hugnry or not, its all good. i just need to get energy to clean house. bought some truck cleaning stuff but i cant clean disaster that tis house much less truck..

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Still dragging

Still dragging from the time I get up to the time i go to bed. It is so hard to do anything. My house is a mess, I am not cooking, I just am kinda going thru life watching tv and sleeping. I want to be more active, but it is so hard to do anything at all. Fortunately, it is not hot yet. That is what I feel like--like I am living in 115 degree heat and it takes too much effort to move, or as if I am moderately hung over--not to the point of nausea, but to the point that i just don't give a f.... I finally broke down and took a pharmacy vitamin D pill. I don't know if or how they tampered with it, but it doesn't matter. I'm so drugged up anyway, what is a little more? Maybe it will make me sleep, which is the only thing I am living for right now. Had an interesting dream. I would interepret it, but I am so drugged that the brain can't put the images in rational format and thought. Maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Good guys (the non Aryans and non Nazis) under attack

Good guys (the non Aryans and non Nazis) under attack big time, and that includes me. spent most of falling in out of sleep and that was a mercy . when i am awake i am in incredibele pain. too muchpressre on hips and back and even knees. but it is the hips and back that hurt most now. took a robaxin but i know it is the fluid pressure on joints not the spasms that really r killing me. dreamed that someone was pissed off at me because i interrupted a download. let me make this easy for you, goddamned nazis.. i dont care how much pain i am in, what kind of psychotronic abuse you do to my brain or what kind of brain wave state u induce, I am a woman of the spirit, and I will not cooperate with your agenda in any way. I may have your brain structure, but I dont have your lack of morals and soul. Im getting closer to understanding what u ar about and maybe that is why attack is so stron. dont know dont cre. i will never serve u, so you might as well kill me now. as long as i liv e i will fight your nazi racist asses and your autistic brains. (i think i figured out why you hate colored people--blacks and browns and aborigines so much--those r the ones u want to sacrifice to reptilians in exchange for a lil peace of your own). Well nothing is more torturing than a bad conscience so enjoy living with urs. I gotta live with this goddmaned pain, and fluid filled head and no hope in sight but with every breathe i take, I am praying for the good guys and it aint you.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Yanked from one drug to another

Yanked from one drug to another as I try so hard to get out of my head and into reality, but it is so hard when one implant after another, one psychotropic after another just keeps going off in body and brain. A lot of thinking going on, but unable to organize it rationally because the drugs undercut my mental health so badly. Wonder if people are finally getting smart about the new media and the NWO plan to turn us into a bunch of image driven, telepathic autistics....too sick to go into it any further. I no longer know who is good guy or who is bad guy. I just know I long for the peace of a contemplative, rational mind and a normal working and social life--none of which I have been allowed for years. Looking at my eyes, it is clear I am going to have a night from hell (had the brain rushes lat night but could still sleep). I don't think that will happen to nith. Got the crawlies all over body again. Nothing for it. My life is hell. ...................

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Depakote??? Woke up all drugged and somnolent, and have struggled all day. I think it is depakote--the only thing the B12 has mitigated is the constant angry mood, but I still am suffering from a constant headache, throbbing in head, and an inability to focus or be productive. As always when I am on psychotropic drugs that cocoon me from reality, it is especially hard to interact socially. I am autistic, and I need to have high energy in order to be able to relate interpersonally. My neigbors of over three years told me they are moving, and they have been truly excellent and appreciated neighbors, but in both encounters, I was too drugged and too autistic to express any feelings. Hopefully I'll see them again. I'm sure I will--they are moving close by, and I know that their cats will be roaming, and all I got to do, once I spot them, is to look for the loved, nurtured, and expanded yard and garden that I am willing to bet is a big reason why they are moving. The day hasn't been a total loss. Called my mother but she is sick--Warren is pissed at me. BFD. I could cheer on my team as they advanced in the finals (and as the my fave veep of all time said, "that is a BIG FUCKING DEAL". Still, all in all, I just didn't have my normal enthusiasm nor could I treadmill. Eyes are slit once again, but the hardest part is just feeling so low energy and drugged. Nothing for it. Got to keep plugging away.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

day from hell

day from hell. massive headache. psychotic mind. every muscle in bone aches, like i m on some drug. hop e it is not lithium. cant gain any more wight. frozen eyeballs. unable to see or bear stimuli. time to take lots of tylenol pm alcohol and pray God for release from this hell. losts of stuff going on. too sick to figure things out. too sick toeven read. body so thirsty , keep drinking, but mouth is parched. want water in mouth all time. sky dry feeting cracking. my life is sheer hell. no end in sight.

Depressed to the point of dsyfunction

Depressed to the point of dsyfunction...Wish I were dead. Wonder if i am on lithium. body feels catatonic. quad muscle r dead. forced myself to go to yoga last nite--drove to the far end of town because i knew the instructor from years ago at womens ellness, donna, and knew she was very gentle and resotrative. biggmistake. talking to donna only reminded me ow who i once was, healthy, storng, and most importantly free. now i am none of the above. they say doing yoga brings true feelings to surfac.e only know that i started crying during yoga, and prayedd to God for death. Highpoint is the most social of gyms I go to. After class wandered out, and saw people in club room and on terrace, drinking, laughing, socializing, and felt even more alienated and suicidal, realizeing that my humanity has been stolen from me my psychotropic drugs and that i will never be free to be me again. then on to vuy vodka. another thing about lithium. cant stand the reality. when on lithium want to be as drunk as fast and thick as i can stand to escape the hell that is my life. lithium also collapses time. knew somehting was worng driving. seem to take an eternity to drive thirty minutes.
woke up feeling even worse if possible. know that it is impossible to to go to any yoga, pissed of f at myself for not cancelling membership at end of apiril. waste of money. i desperately need to heal my body but it will never heal as long as i am drugged so i may as well forget it. just will make mye cry to see others who acturally are sovereign masters of owm body. i am a slave. no need to try to figure out what aliens probed me. doesnt matter. they are evil. if they want me to go astral planing they will have to destroy my mind first--not very far to go now. they dont get it. interdimensional travel is a spiritual thing, i have no spiritual life as drugged up as i am. only pshychosis can take me astral planing down. i hope and pray to God for every breaht i take for the ultimate astral trip00 death. dont wnat to be in this hellis body any more. Dreamed I was under (military) attack by people shooting at me from a bridge. i know who they are. all i can try to do is take cover. cant sto it. cant fire back / ddeath. God all i long for.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Fighting to be present to reality

Fighting to be present to reality...So what the fuck is going on now? After being terminated (fired, laid-off, whatever you want to call it)from my brief stint of employment, I have really struggled to be present to reality instead of just being off in imaginary fantasy. This happens whenever I am in an autistic state of being (which the alien implants and downloads create, or whenever I am drugged on western psychotropics. Risperdol is the worst. When I am on risperdol, I just want to lay in bed and live in my imagination. So am I on risperdol now? I don't know. Everything has changed (from the drugs I am force fed to my understanding of the situation), and at first I gave myself a little leeway to live in my imagination, because I have been struggling to make sense of what I experienced last week. I know full well, and I am comfortable with, the fact that I "think things through" in my imagination. Other people, who see me talking to myself, or try to hack into to my mind only to realize there are rapid cascades of images going through my head freak out abd automatically assume I am mentally ill, but I am not. That is just the way I think. After years of work, discipline, and college experience, I became quite comfortable and adept at thinking with facts and words, instead of just images, but after all the brain abuse and psychotropic drugging I have endured, I no longer am so "ambimentedextrous." And as I did as a youth and young adult, I have to FIGHT to stay present to physical reality. However, unlike my youthful days, when I was an omnivorous speed reader, now I even find it difficult to read and to think (I've got all the time in the world and reams of web content to read and view, but it's such a struggle to even desire to begin. All I want to do is lay in my fantasy world or watch TV). But I think there is some additional psychotropic drugging going on because physically I am so dead. The last time I went to yoga was Thursday night, and instead of feeling the energy go through me, all I wanted to do was lie down, curl up, and sleep on my mat. I don't think I have done any exercise since then. Haven't gone to yoga (I can't even get up before afternoon), havent bicycled, haven't even been able to work out on my treadmills, even though I have been watching sports, which is usually my favorite time to treadmill. (At least I am functional enough to watch sports, for which I am grateful I guess). I am not non-functional like I was when drugged before, just so drained and enervated that it is hard to do anything at all. I need to shake, my legs and arms are heavy dead weights, but i am unable to do anything at all, except fantasize either by myself or with the help of the TV. That is too bad because I really am reconsidering my position on things--I MAY be capitulating on my uncooperative stance, but when I am this drugged and enervated, I cannot get in touch with my inner self (Holy Spirit), and/or God, and there is no way I am going to make such a major change without getting an okay from God. In the meantime I will continue to resist, and I have to say that I think I am getting better at it. In the wee hours of Thursday morning (after being terminated), I "knew" I was going to be abducted, and I fought back. I heard the pencil jar rattling and felt the room shaking, but I don't think the fuckers got me. A couple of nights later, I woke up before abduction, and I think I cussed them out in their own language. But I am tired of all this shit. I don't like being so cocooned from reality. I need to be physical, to do yoga, to walk, to bicycle, to be free of this enervated drugged up feeling that just makes me want to sleep. Well good news is, I wont fight sleep tonight./ Very tired. Maybe they will try to abduct me again. I dont care as long as im so knocked out, i dont feel it. Massive headaches and pain behind eyes. Have to get some more tylenol pm/.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Terminated from the job. Still trying to figure that setup out. I have some interesting theories, but Im still chewing it. I can say that I was being monitored for how the drugs affected me--and monitored with a very sophisticated and incredibly subtle telepathy. Having said that, I can still state that I am drugged up. The drugs have changed. My body isn't so rigidly locked in muscle spasm anymore, but I am on something that makes me so tired and dragging that it is difficult to move. The last time I went to yoga was Thursday night, and it is a very restorative class, but even so, for the entire class, all I wanted to do was lay down on my mat and sleep. Frid and Sat I didnt go to yoga because I couldn;t get out of bed to make it to a 12 NOON class. Even now I am so tired I just want to lay back in bed and sleep. Kitchen is a mess, but all my high energy that enables me to keep a clean house is gone. Im not going to be able to do anything today. Maybe later i can clean kitchen, In the meanntime, I cannot even bear to listen to music, body is shutting down.