My fucking head

My fucking head--severe pain and migraines all day. forced myself to get up and go to dr for a problem ive had for years. It's a growth--i will have to get it removed. But it is not my toe that bothers me (I know my body would tell me if it waer malignant). It is my fucking head which is so damned sensitive, tender and sore. Earlier today i thought it would explode from all the the blood going to it. Im going to have to get some kind of migraine meds. the headaches im having are not bearable. As shittty as midrin makes me feel, at least it constricts the blood vessels. Im also worried about my eyes. They were so much better, but now im on some psychotropic drugs and it puts too much pressure in head and onmy eyes. I try to read, but it is impossible to concentrate with this kind of pain. It is the "speed" affect that I have experienced before. ADHD and speed makes it impossible to read. I want to shake all the shit out of my system, but head is so tender it hurts to shake it. doesnt want it. have to listen to body. I'm so fucking miserable with this shit. icant even listen to music. I cant tell if it is because the migraines just want to make me shut out all stimuli or if the psychotropics are just cocooning me from reality and life, vitality, soul and enjoyment. I'm startn to get the idea that once agins the goddamned religious nuts are lining up, ready to give the lobotomy so that i can be the lifeless, plaster saint they want. Sickening, pathetic. I read Hildegard von Bingen's wiki page yesterday. Boy, what a disgusting number some opus dei hack did on her. They took a brilliant, creative, and truly spiritual (highly idiosyncratic and defiant towards authority), and turned the article about her into a diatribe against gay sex and masturbation!!!! LOL. Only the goddamned fucked up totally unspiritual opus dei types could do that. LOL. So you can imagine what this rebellious lesbian is up against...Dumbasses have been wrong about me on every single issue, EVERY SINGLE TIME!! And they just keep doing the same old shit over and over again, thinking this time they will get their dead plaster cast saint. But all the drugs in the world can't turn me away from what i know in my heart--I am lesbian, and I am okay with it and so is God. Furthermore, because of my intrinsic and true nature, AND because I need emotional support and understanding in order to perform and succeed at my life mission, no true creative work is going to happen until that love and support is in place. I know this because it happened that way beofre with Colleen (I was getting ready to quit my job when i hooked up with her, and she stabilized me and allowed me a place to emotionally stay and recover so that I ended up working for five years), and because it is what I've been longing for for years now. I was never a celibate, but i was going to try to make that sacrifice believing all the stupid lies and ingesting all the guilt and self hatred the institutional church throws at people. Anyway too sick to write it all out. one day i hope to free, loved and supported. Spent all nite last nite playing solitaire. sign of an autistic mind. i m more obssessive compulsive thatn people realize and when i am autistic and can't read, i get caught into ovsessive compulsive loops and fantasies. Nothing for it. i really feel that the goddamned christians are working their own obsessive compulsives and forcing it down my throat.