Monday, May 3, 2010

Fighting to be present to reality

Fighting to be present to reality...So what the fuck is going on now? After being terminated (fired, laid-off, whatever you want to call it)from my brief stint of employment, I have really struggled to be present to reality instead of just being off in imaginary fantasy. This happens whenever I am in an autistic state of being (which the alien implants and downloads create, or whenever I am drugged on western psychotropics. Risperdol is the worst. When I am on risperdol, I just want to lay in bed and live in my imagination. So am I on risperdol now? I don't know. Everything has changed (from the drugs I am force fed to my understanding of the situation), and at first I gave myself a little leeway to live in my imagination, because I have been struggling to make sense of what I experienced last week. I know full well, and I am comfortable with, the fact that I "think things through" in my imagination. Other people, who see me talking to myself, or try to hack into to my mind only to realize there are rapid cascades of images going through my head freak out abd automatically assume I am mentally ill, but I am not. That is just the way I think. After years of work, discipline, and college experience, I became quite comfortable and adept at thinking with facts and words, instead of just images, but after all the brain abuse and psychotropic drugging I have endured, I no longer am so "ambimentedextrous." And as I did as a youth and young adult, I have to FIGHT to stay present to physical reality. However, unlike my youthful days, when I was an omnivorous speed reader, now I even find it difficult to read and to think (I've got all the time in the world and reams of web content to read and view, but it's such a struggle to even desire to begin. All I want to do is lay in my fantasy world or watch TV). But I think there is some additional psychotropic drugging going on because physically I am so dead. The last time I went to yoga was Thursday night, and instead of feeling the energy go through me, all I wanted to do was lie down, curl up, and sleep on my mat. I don't think I have done any exercise since then. Haven't gone to yoga (I can't even get up before afternoon), havent bicycled, haven't even been able to work out on my treadmills, even though I have been watching sports, which is usually my favorite time to treadmill. (At least I am functional enough to watch sports, for which I am grateful I guess). I am not non-functional like I was when drugged before, just so drained and enervated that it is hard to do anything at all. I need to shake, my legs and arms are heavy dead weights, but i am unable to do anything at all, except fantasize either by myself or with the help of the TV. That is too bad because I really am reconsidering my position on things--I MAY be capitulating on my uncooperative stance, but when I am this drugged and enervated, I cannot get in touch with my inner self (Holy Spirit), and/or God, and there is no way I am going to make such a major change without getting an okay from God. In the meantime I will continue to resist, and I have to say that I think I am getting better at it. In the wee hours of Thursday morning (after being terminated), I "knew" I was going to be abducted, and I fought back. I heard the pencil jar rattling and felt the room shaking, but I don't think the fuckers got me. A couple of nights later, I woke up before abduction, and I think I cussed them out in their own language. But I am tired of all this shit. I don't like being so cocooned from reality. I need to be physical, to do yoga, to walk, to bicycle, to be free of this enervated drugged up feeling that just makes me want to sleep. Well good news is, I wont fight sleep tonight./ Very tired. Maybe they will try to abduct me again. I dont care as long as im so knocked out, i dont feel it. Massive headaches and pain behind eyes. Have to get some more tylenol pm/.
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