Depressed to the point of dsyfunction

Depressed to the point of dsyfunction...Wish I were dead. Wonder if i am on lithium. body feels catatonic. quad muscle r dead. forced myself to go to yoga last nite--drove to the far end of town because i knew the instructor from years ago at womens ellness, donna, and knew she was very gentle and resotrative. biggmistake. talking to donna only reminded me ow who i once was, healthy, storng, and most importantly free. now i am none of the above. they say doing yoga brings true feelings to surfac.e only know that i started crying during yoga, and prayedd to God for death. Highpoint is the most social of gyms I go to. After class wandered out, and saw people in club room and on terrace, drinking, laughing, socializing, and felt even more alienated and suicidal, realizeing that my humanity has been stolen from me my psychotropic drugs and that i will never be free to be me again. then on to vuy vodka. another thing about lithium. cant stand the reality. when on lithium want to be as drunk as fast and thick as i can stand to escape the hell that is my life. lithium also collapses time. knew somehting was worng driving. seem to take an eternity to drive thirty minutes.
woke up feeling even worse if possible. know that it is impossible to to go to any yoga, pissed of f at myself for not cancelling membership at end of apiril. waste of money. i desperately need to heal my body but it will never heal as long as i am drugged so i may as well forget it. just will make mye cry to see others who acturally are sovereign masters of owm body. i am a slave. no need to try to figure out what aliens probed me. doesnt matter. they are evil. if they want me to go astral planing they will have to destroy my mind first--not very far to go now. they dont get it. interdimensional travel is a spiritual thing, i have no spiritual life as drugged up as i am. only pshychosis can take me astral planing down. i hope and pray to God for every breaht i take for the ultimate astral trip00 death. dont wnat to be in this hellis body any more. Dreamed I was under (military) attack by people shooting at me from a bridge. i know who they are. all i can try to do is take cover. cant sto it. cant fire back / ddeath. God all i long for.