Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Pain. Pain. Pain. Pain. How can a person suffer as much pain as I do, neverending. whole left leg from the sacrum to the foot is one big throb, with heat rising from all part of body. I never had problems with leg sid of body until implants in place and now it is the bad side, not right side, the indjured side. so fucked up cant hold head up. cant lift arms even o hold a glass of water. arms so fucked up that i cant hold my body in pushup positon. today last day of gym membership. as the last two times. i so fucked up i cant even work out. just walk out. waste of money for gas. waste of money for gym , glad i wont be wasting any more money on a gym that i no longer enjoyooworking out is nothing but sheer hell fro me. saying that i dont know how much longer i can function without geting the back glutes some relife. i cant work out gaining weight. too sick to care. just want the pain to en.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches

Dreams that my house is full of cockroaches--a dream I only get when I am forcefed psychotropics. that is the unconscious. consciously, i am so full of despair as to not give a fuck anymore. pray for death to release me from neverending hell. fantasize about it. beginning to think i might as well spend my days in psychiatric hospital till i die. i have no other life. completely out of control of my own body which every day becomes more hateful and painfilled, debilitated to the point that i might as well have some muscl destroying disease like cerebral palsy. my arms r so weak i can no longer hold my own weight up. of course, my weight gets higher and higher as i can no longer work out or even walk. my fucking slave masters monitor everything i read and watch on internet, sometims cutting me off in mid view. i dont care. the ultimate slave master, has been crowned president of the world and gives his brilliantly cheesy, and utterly false smile over everything. its getting to the point i have no hope no joy no purpose no desire--just for death. God, I want to die, i dont want to be in this hateful, implanted miserable alienated body anymnore.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Well good feeling didnt last long

Well good feeling didnt last long--my little feline friend is gone--no doubt spirited away by the Inquisitors who can't bear that I have a little happiness in life (oh, who knows--maybe they are actually humanitarian and didn't want to see the poor little thing suffer from the same drugged up shit and emf mind control manipulation that drives me mad--and I'm pretty goddamnhed strong. I'll never forget the look of outrage on the NSA man's face who visited with the police in Rio Rancho, when I suggested that he feed the dog the drugged meat that I was supposed to eat. He actually had more sympathy that the dog didn't suffer the level of poisoning that he was overseeing with me. Nothing surprising tho--the Nazis, and psychotics the world over have more sympathy for animals than humans). when I For the drugs have started up again--the same fucking headache and ddull feeling, the inability to think or carry a thought or for that matter, even feel. Mom called and I tried to be upbeat for her sake but the truth is I was faking it, lying, which is what I do som much now, as I try to pretend that I have some hope. Truth is, I don't. I realize that I have high level government operatives and politicos milking me for whatever info they can get out of me while they keep me drugged and demoralized. It's incredibly assinine if they think I don't realize what is going on--the truth is I am a level deeper than many of them which is why I know that Catholic ultra-conservatives (fascist religious zealtots) are responsible for much of what I suffer (which is why I still dream of SLI calling the shots, whereas they ceded over the reins of their goddamned Inquisition that they initiated to much higher ups and more sophisticates, a long time ago), while the politicos use me, then leaving me hanging in the wind, so the fucking fanatics can have their illusion of a saint that will save them. Dream on opus dei . Nothing I can d o but hold on to some sense of humanity that is completely denied me. Don't feel good. All fucked up on drugs. Noone to share my life and thoughts not even a little kitty.

A small little kitty

A small little kitty is making itself at home in my place. I like animals, and miss having one, but, as I tell myself I am in no place to have a pet. For one thing, it's unbearable for me, a 210 pound human, to live in this drug-infested, emf-manipulated space--how can a small kitty do it? But the poor thing has had a hard life, and my f---ed up place must seem pretty nice to it. Anyway, I tried to kick it out and block the open "kitty door" in my screen, but it got around the block. I ardently prayed to God last night to "please take care of that poor kitty" and this morning I found it on my futon, so I guess God answered the prayer. Like me, the poor thing is badly abused and scarred, but just wants, and is receptive to, love.

I am feeling a little better after being fucked up all day yesterday. I still am not alright, but compared to yesterday, I am much better. Dreams last night indicate that the Spiritual Life Institute, that stupidass Dave Denny is still behind my suffering. Another dream that told me via the unconscious (believe me, consciously I figured this out over a dozen years ago) how sick and wounded Denny is, and how he attempts to heal himself by projecting his neediness onto me--which would be bearable if I could be free to be me, but like so many wounded men, the only way he knows how to admit a need of woman is to dominate and deny woman's freedom of personhood. It doesn't matter to me anymore. These fuckers don't understand. When I told him over a dozen years ago, that if the abuse kept up, I would disassociate myself from him and his community. I meant it. Since I dropped off those library books on a rainy night, I have been completely and irrevocably disassociated from the SLI. However, the abuse continuted, and a few years later, I told a Catholic priest that if the abuse continued, I would disassociate myself from the Catholic community, and I meant it. They threw me in jail for six months on farcical charges where I endured a new level of abuse. That was it for me. I am not Catholic, and when I die, I will do so under the auspices of the Episcopal Church. It doesn't matter to these Inquistors though, for the abuse continues, and continues, and continues. I have spent years of my life suffering from forced drugs, and even three weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and to my utter amazement, these fuckers still think some kind of "conversion" is going to overthrow nearly fifteen years of the most profound physical (yesterday and last night was just the latest episode, (now numbering in the thousands), psychological, and spiritual, unbearably painful abuse. You fuckers have stolen over 14 years of my life, caused unimaginable suffering, and I will not have ANYTHING to do with you. EVER. You goddamned, sick patriarchs are part of the problem, not the solution, and I am interested in a solution. My dreams corroborate this. Dreamed last night that Dave Denny was blind, with his eyes gouged out. I know what this means, and I also know that I cannot help him with this, for his whole ideological position, as a privileged patriarch in the Roman Catholic clergy prevents him from relating to the feminine from a position of vulnerability, but only dominance, and his dominating, (non-consenting, on my part) abuse (God, I could spend pages describing the unrelenting abuse I have endured from this fucker and his stupidass patriarchal allies)that I have suffered at his hands has led to permanent alienation on my part. I knew years ago, that it was time to leave, when I dreamed that he was imprisoning me, and I understood that he was imprisoning me because he had imprisoned his own anima, as per patriarchal male psychic protocol. Whatever compassion I once had for his own psychological blindness and stupidity has been erased by years of the heinous abuse I have suffered at this pig's hands. Of course, it is not all him. Ratzinger (who had a spider crawling all over his robes in Prague--get smart, Catholics--your Pope is an anti-Christ, and his power tripping (with the Muslims) is going to result in the complete destruction of the Vatican--the greatest repository of human intellectual and artistic achievement on the planet, even if is rank with hypocritical sin of the highest order.
As for me, my path lies on a completely different trajectory, and God willing, I will be free to live my life as free daughter of God, again, and will find someone who is humble and receptive enough to understand what my true psychological and spiritual needs are, and have enough courage to reach out and share my life. Until that day I can only endure.


Sunday, September 27, 2009

Mind totally fried

Mind totally fried on psychotropics--dont know what, lithium or resperidol. All I know is i am completely unable to think, read, concentrate, or understand what is spoken to me. helped landlady with a neighbors stuck door and she read me a letter. shemight as well as read chinese. coulnt folow, couldnt understand a word said. Yesterday the mind was able to think but i couldnt handle the intensity of it. i desperately need someonme to talk to re my ideas, someone to intimately share my life and bounce off ideas. Yesterday i felt human and realized ihow lonely and incomplete and unrealized i am as a single. today i dont give a fuck. today there is nothing to share,, my mind is totally dead. i cant even string together my dream from last nite. i remember the images and they are all there but my brain is so fried i cant connect them all into one everything fragmented disconnected. good news there will be no reading or thinking intensity to day. just watch football. could barely even cook the pot of beans and cornebread i had planned. very svery sick, too sick to do anything. dont care. just worry about my fucking weight..

Friday, September 25, 2009

Massive headaches all day today

Massive headaches all day today--to the point that I am autistic and miserable. I try so hard to keep my head clear by shaking, but the more sshaking I do the more poison is put in my system. I can tellby how much my lower back arches, in reaction, trying to get away from the poison, and also by the muscle spasms in every muscle in my body from bicepts and wrist joints to ribs and shoulders. Too sick to do any yoga, tried to do a lil bike riding but too sick to do for long. This level of chronic, never ending paain is not sustainable. At least right now i am not crying and sobbing in pain--maybe later

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Bad day

Bad day--do I have any good any ones anymore? I guess some days are just better than others. Got my computer back after the virus toasted it. Everything gone--notes--I should have printed them out b--music, bookmarks pictures, etc. Maybe I should save everything on aol in the future--their server should keep things safe. Body is in a lot of pain, so much pain it hurts to breathe--all my muscles are spasming, back belly, ribs shoulders, but trying to push thru pain to get my computer to an acceptable place. tired of lways being in pain.

So tired of being drugged

So tired of being drugged--nothing overwhelming going on--just steady drip and drain as the implants suck all life and energy and vitality out of me(and yes I think it is done on purpose). I am trying to drag myself through chores, cleaning house etc, but my body is literally all spasmed up with the drugs.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

second nite of sheer hell

coming up. aftger a hell day, another hell nite. haze of pain from neuropathic pressure in legs, and unbearable nerve pain to pain in head. this pain is unendurable. how many tylenop pm does it take to knock me out, dont know but this pain is intolerable. cant bear stimuli of any sort cant walk . alll so the goddamned forces of evil can create what they think will be3 a channel for their stupid ass demonic aliens. nothing i can do but suffer, pray that suffering will help those fighting on other levels. nothing i can but endure the most hellacious pain imaginable.

Hell nite over, now comes hell day

Hell nite over, now comes hell day--nites and days like this make me realize i cant hold a job. still cannot believe magnitde of pain lastt nite. this morning my body is still dead. left leg feels like a totally dead leg with deep muscle bruises. cant lift it to walk. head and eyes still not able to move or function. Dreamed last nite that I was fighting a monster attacking me, and i kept hacking and killing it but more kept coming. Does this nite mare only end with death? i am so tired of being nonfunctional...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Torture begins again

Torture begins again--suffering so bad its unimagier winable. dont know when the fuckers will kick me off , they control my computer thru virus. just like they control my body thru virus. when ever they want they creat unbearable pain n suffering. right now. neurpathic leg, ketoacikdosis, inability to stand stimuli, desperatgely longing for pain medication to knock me out. Fucj you assholes. you may control my body buti never will channel for you. on a scale of 10 this is 9, knock me out God please be merciful knock me out

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Fighting a deep feeling of depression

Fighting a deep feeling of depression as I woke up actually being able to get out of bed but still fucked up on drugs. I am so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. I am tired of having steel rods in my legs, of having a 50 pound head on my shoulders, of not being able to see out of my right eye because the optic nerve is so inflamed by excess fluid. I want to be me again. I want to be free. Free of these goddamned implants and drugs that have me constantly struggling to jjjust feel decent enough to walk and talk. I am tired of having to "shake" just to clear my head of a fucking brain tumor feeling. The worst part of it all is constantly being monitored and spied upon, while I am denied any employment and my poor old mother has to take care of me. I woke up this morning with the "virginia wolF" feeling. That is what I do to force myself to keep going when I am so depressed that I want to end it all. Virginia committed suicide when she heard voices for a second time (she had been committed to a mental institution the first time she heard them), and despaired that she would go crazyy. But I read an analysis that made sense, which said that when she committed suicide Hitler was triumphant across Europe (her husband was Jewish), London was being bombed daily, and it seemed a matter of time before England fell. England was also suffering from the grip of the coldest winter on record. So if Virginia had just persevered a little longer, I think she would have been okay. Yes, she was mentally ill, but she had a wonderfully supportive and caretaking husband who would have got her through the episodes--all she had to do was survive the cold winter and wait for America to enter the war. So when I feel that life is so dark and meaningless, I say to myself, "don't do a Virginia Wolf"--wait for spring to come. It certainly isn't spring today. My computer is toast with a virus, and I cannot fix it, because I am unable to reload my own OS because the goddamned fuckers have put an extra partition on the disk and a spy network that denies me administrative rights. I am using my laptop, but it barely functions because it also had an internal wifi card added by the spy police, but its architecture does not support that technology so it constantly is shutting down whenever its memory gets overwhelmed (mostly during audio or video streaming--has to stream not only to me but to whatever agent is in charge of spying on me). And yes, I am spied on constantly which is another depressing element of my life which I constantly hate but when I am really down, can't tolerate. I am denied any companionship to help me lead my life while a bunch of Christians try to force me to lead my life the way they think it ought to be, I am denied the ability to work to support my own self. And on top of that, even my little pleasures, of listening to music and surfing the web is denied me because my computer is toast. I am broke, but I am goinjhg to have to pay to fix it. LIFE JUST SUCKS, but don't pull a Virginia Wolf. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have to believe spring is coming, I have to believe that leadership is going to change, I have to believe that one day these creeps will quit trying to read and manipuloate my mind (;guess what assholes, I know when you try to do it--and I PURPOSELY speed up my thoughts so you can't break in. You can feed me lithium to make it slow down, but then you turn me into a mental vegetable, so you can't get what you want you fucking slavers). And yes, I believe that one day leadership is going to be a woman or man who supports a free America, not a bunch of mind and pharmaceutically controlled slaves. Like I said, not today.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Lost day

Lost day--sick with psychotropics. spent all day in bed. too sick to think on anything, just suffering. dreamed that my credit card had been closed. interpreted it as my vital energy shut down, slammed shut. for that is what is happening, too sick to do anything at all. i cant even listen to music or nature sounds (which soothes me when i feel so shitty i wish i were dead). windows software is toast, fried by virus, and im too sick to do anything about it, not to mention worried as to how i can keep living when i am going deeper into debt everyh month. my life is so hard, want to sleep and just not wake up to feel like the shit i feel like

Thursday, September 17, 2009


FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS ARE FORCE FEEDING ME LITHIUM AGAIN!! STUPIDASS MOTHERFUCKERS. I wondered why I had no energy, and felt more like shit than normal. Most of all I wondered why I was gaining weight again--yes, pound a day lithium is to thank for it all, tho i thought my stomach was merely bloated. But now i find myself looking at spreading corpulent flesh with powerlessness and rage, much as i have done several times over last few years. Geuss the goddamned sli just cant let go. they actually still think iam going to have anyhing to do with them after the years over 12 of them, of abuse, damage, and torture that they hgave inflicted on me. and now i am all fucked up over lithium. i knew when i started mood swinging. other psychotropic durgus make me mood swing but none like lithium. i have to fight down desire to throw things to curse at top of my lungs, to cut myself to bang my head againt wall. but i am too fucked up to do anything. i went to youga, what a joke. i couldnt even keep my eyes opened. sont know how i drove home--so fucking autistic i cant stand any stimuli. been here before tho. know nothing for it but to lay down and suffer. just sofucking mad because everytime these fucking pigs put this goddamned poison in my body, i have to work so hard to lose one pound a month that it takes me one day to gain. so fucked up. on top of that i have a virus in my computer and im too fucked up to figure it out. how apropos--goddamned sli (yep i know the stupid ass personality cult of dave and tessa and "Father" is behind it all. Fcuk you pigs. Get the message. Leave me alone.

Later--everything harder than I thought--too sick to watch any tv. body is catatonic to the point that my neck hurts with stiffness. Worse of all are the involuntary muscle spasms i keep having as i try to sleep--havent had them in a long time, but i remember clearly the misery of the brain pulses and the body jerks. Definitely lithium/

A truly miserable day after a pain-filled nite

A truly miserable day after a pain-filled nite. I got two to three hours of sleep before waking up to go to some stupid class. But I was late, and turned out of the class. So I get home and deal with a computer that has downloaded EIGHT viruses (I think it may have been initiated by a windows update... GRRRRR). I still don't have the damned computer fixed. Pisses me off to the max, because the surefire and easiest fix to a virus problem is to reload the OS, but I can't do that because the goddamned secret network on my computer denies me administrator's rights. So I may have another damned expense I can't afford to get the machine reloaded. But that doesn't bother me as much as the dead-dog tired body and brain, which makes dealing with a drugged up body-brain all that much more difficult. I also wonder and worry about what is going on in the larger world--maybe my crankiness is amplified by by impotence. So very tired. Maybe some shaking would help but I am so tired, I don't think I can do it effectively.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Belly severely bloated

Belly severely bloated with the goddamned alien poison coursing through my God-given body. In pain brcauae of the fucking muscle spasms tearing up my body so bad that I literally can't sit still. Goddamned fucking assholes. Despise you and your goddamned agenda. The downloads get worse when I read of their goddamned plans or wehenever I attempt to pray. The only thing that scares them more than the truth is The Truth. I'd rather die than serve you fucking alien assholes and sold out masonic luciferian sellouts to your humanity. Got to somehow struggle with this pain.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

So depressed

So depressed after a full day yesterday of enduring muscle spasms and severe pain from the phsyyctropic shit. My left leg is so fucked up in its spasmed pelvic girdle that it hurts to even walk. Every muscle in my body is locked. And I just don't see an end to this never ending misery and pain. I don't see me ever being a free human being again. I don't see me being able to hold a job or have a lover. I see constant suffering while a bunch of goddamned et aliens and fascist politicians and religiuos figures suck my life, vitality and spirit right out of me while they try to split my mind to channel "Sananda". God, please let this end. Death is preferable to this hellish torturous slavery I endure.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Iwas able to read a little this morning

Iwas able to read a little this morning before the psychotropic drug download shit took place in my brain. I feel like I am on close to finding a huge piece fo the puzzle that I have been struggling with for a year. (No, sorry Christians, it's not about conversion or vocation). Unfortunately brain and body are seriously fucked up from yesterday's hell. While i was able to do a little shaking, my body and brain are not able to move. It is going to take a while to recover and meanwhile the shit downloads continue. I am so tired, I want to go to sleep, but tll myself , no. Try to force yourself to do something, even if it just watch tv. Body and brain both so very very exhausted.

Body catatonic

Body catatonic, causin of all things, knee pain. There's no give in my knees when I walk, and because I can not turn my body normally I am straining my knee wehenever I attempt to pivot. I have to be careful because I know I can blow out my knee easily. But what I really have to do is learn how to live with a 50 pound head and a catatonic body. Way to sick and stiff to do any shaking.

3 in the morning

3 in the morning, severely nauseated, sick with whatever psyhotropic i am on, and i am onit, my belly is ice cold, like it is when i am on psychotropics. but I have to write because i just figured out reason for this latest psychotropic assault--it is my mentally ill neighbor that I alluded to in previous entry. mentally ill ex-neighbor. I am too sick to write on it, but i had realized that woman was getting a mentally ill fixation on me which i dealth with by not dealing with her at all, but i think she had a breakdown before she left and "blamed"me. She is like the goddamned catholics in away--she attributes powers to me, but never relates to me. i am victimized, like thousands of "witches" before--spiritually feebleminded people who project onto people of spiritual power their own mental illness, spiritual fears, (and in the case of the catholics their own unrealized spiritual desires). But rather than face things (or me, for that matter) honestly, they play games. Just like Danielle played games until she drove her own pathological self into a breakdown, the catholics play games with me, driving me on to the edge of breakdown but i am too mentally strong, so i just suffer with the never ending misery of a mentally healthy person beign forced fed psychotropics. I am just a 21st century woman of spiritual power they can neither understand or relate to, so just like danielle in her attempts, try to control or handicap me so that they can siphon off my spiritual power and presence to prop up their own pitiful (in ddanielle's case, pathological) needs./ Have to write this down. have to make my case letter. too sick now.

Friday, September 11, 2009

9/11--fucking sick

9/11--fucking sick as the same goddamned evil satanic forces that destroyed three thousand american lives are having a lot of fun forceing their fucking poison into me again. too nauseated to do anything. tv on and off. cant stop the migraine headache symptoms or open my eyes. one thing i can do assholdes. fuck you, fuck you ratzing er fuck you nasa fuck you nsa, fuck you sirians, fuck you the preppty goddamned prick who moved in next door, no doubt to turn the em filed on high around my house. my next doror neightbor went crazy with it (to be honest, she was manic deprresive before) but i wont go crzzy . i sit here and pray for your diestruction . i know who i pray against in religiuos schemde and political schemcd. i know you are trying to turn me crzy to turn me into one to the goddamned sirian.agarthans. well u might do so, but guess what assholes, there wont be anything left of mfy fmind that you can use if you do succeed. so on today, the most black, infamous day of our history when our our own leaders played nero's fiddle on us, and betrayed us to an extendt unimaginable, it is apropriate i suffer. i suffer for my country. i suffer for the leaders who currently are down, but who truly love this country and its people. You know who you are. You fucking religious and political traitors, you psychological and immature sellouts and trash, you know you are. God bless America, and God bless her patriots, and please to God to open the eyes of those who cannot see, and stomp out those who prey on the lblind. Help me too God, its been a day from hell, and I expect the nite to be just as bad,. dont hanve any alcohol to help me get thru it. so help me God.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Fucked up day

Fucked up day, tried to go to yoga but got so fucking sick couldnt do anyhting but lay there. suspect some old guy whos Christian who no doubt has been told a crock of shit about me. what they didnt say is that every nite i go to bed I pray to God to end this lonely miserable hell the goddamned christians force on me, and pray for a lesbian woman to enter my life and make it bearable. stupidass Christians who dont have a clue as to what is going on, and most espeicially that I am queer and intend to remain so, that I am celibate, and hate every goddamned second of it, are not in the ball park. Major shit is going down but i am too sick to try to figure it out. body is fucked up, legs ar e fucked up, head is fucked up everyithing is fucked up, ntoghing i can do about. it.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Hell nite last nite

Hell nite last nite a si struggled with severe head and body pain. today i am barely functional. left leg is dead have to drag it like a crippled person. Hea is so heavy that I cannot hold it up. Headaches tenderness still there . body going catatonic, eyes dont want to open. dreamed that i can thank th prick antichrist usurper ratzinger and his crowd of catholic sttool pigeons for this. Going to be a rough day.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Clarity of mind gone

Clarity of mind gone as everything now is clouded by agonizing pain, neuropathic and nerve pain in my legs as I cant even stand on my own two legs. So heavy and fluid filled. muscle spasms around my neck and shourders and upper back is killing me. cant do vibration becauswe i cant stand. fortunately i got some liquid painkiller in house.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Deep, deep pain

Deep, deep pain in my left leg, all the way from my hip to my knee, caused directly by all the goddamned psychotropics and fluid in my body. Fortunately, I have a clear mind, which is good because I am dealing with and praying about the utmost serious of issues. Will evil prevail? Will it flourish with nothing to check it, as all enemies are handicapped by legal issues? Nothing I can do right now, but pray, which is really difficult when I have to put up with nightly attempts at psychic abduction by forces that I know are as purely evil as Lucifer, the fallen morning star. Nothing to do but endure it. Unless something drastically changes, I don't hope to have much of a future anyway. When the luciferians finally get it through their heads that I won't serve (Jesus, what does it take?), I shouldn't have much of a life expectancy at all. In the meantime, keep plugging. Keep striving for the answer. Sometimes I wonder if all this gd reading I do has any bearing on my ability to discern and act, but when my is clear and able to think, I know that it does, and that while I may not be where people want me to be, I am not standing still, but rather standing in stillness as thoughts, facts and ideas swirl around. Of course, I would be in a much better position if I were fed the facts and truth, but the people in power are men of the lie (no women!), so maybe it is just as well that I figure everything out on my own, no matter how laborious the process. Time for the other great laborious process--going to sleep while NASA and their space station psychotronic weapons try to turn me over to the dark side.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Dead arms, dead legs

Dead arms, dead legs, heavy, fluid-filled head, but I am functional. Trying to do some brain vibration--able to do a little but my legs and body is so heavy I cannot do more. I just want to lay down and flap feet, but as long as I am functional I am grateful. I wish i could say the same thing about my burnt out saliva glands and dried mouth. Whatever drugs Im forcefed is totally burning out my mouth, leaving it dry and with a swollen tongue that feels burnt and rubbery. Nothing to do but drink water.

Which is worse?

Which is worse? The never ending chronic pain, headaches, muscle spasms, and premature physical debility or the depression caused by the hellish circumstance I find my life in. Even sleep is no longer a refuge, as I am so fucked up that I no longer even dream, tho I do occasionally have the nitemares of the desperately ill. Considering how I feel when I try to go to sleep and wake up, desperatly ill just about covers it. I don't know how to respon anymore, for that matter I truly do not want to live anymore. I have no one, no thing to make my suffering bearable. I just wish it were all over.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Going out of my mind and skin with all these goddamned

Going out of my mind and skin with all these goddamned parasitic psychotropics. Suffering from severe ADD--can't keep my mind focused, and can't even readbecause of the concentration problems. I want to craw out of my skin--I feel like I have taken major speed---makes me angry and pissed off as hell, especially since it cause ssuch severe pain with muscles spasms in my back and an incredibly bloated belluy/ With all this, I grow ever more certain that this is the work of Satan and his demonic army, aided and assisted by a bunch opf duped up idiotic human channellers. I know what true spirituality is, and I know what evil is, and what is happening to and in my body is EVIL. Right now I need to go to bed, even my abdominal wall muscles are spasming. God only know what kind of poisonous shit satan has coursing through my body via the parasitic implant

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Mind may be a little clearer but body still fucked

Mind may be a little clearer but body still fucked--struggling to clean the house while I feel funcional. whole body--arms and legs so weak. I struggle to hold onto my faith to get me through these days when I feel like shit. My back is totally trashed--havent done yoga in over a week and my back knows it. The question is how can i do yoga when I feel this bad? But if it don't the back will feel worst. Head is once again breaking out in sores--some kind of chemical imbalance going on. Face is swollen with the shit they put in my brain, and head is heavy. Trying so hard to get up and do things. I desperate ly want a respite just so i can clean my house. dont know if it will hppen.