Monday, September 28, 2009

A small little kitty

A small little kitty is making itself at home in my place. I like animals, and miss having one, but, as I tell myself I am in no place to have a pet. For one thing, it's unbearable for me, a 210 pound human, to live in this drug-infested, emf-manipulated space--how can a small kitty do it? But the poor thing has had a hard life, and my f---ed up place must seem pretty nice to it. Anyway, I tried to kick it out and block the open "kitty door" in my screen, but it got around the block. I ardently prayed to God last night to "please take care of that poor kitty" and this morning I found it on my futon, so I guess God answered the prayer. Like me, the poor thing is badly abused and scarred, but just wants, and is receptive to, love.

I am feeling a little better after being fucked up all day yesterday. I still am not alright, but compared to yesterday, I am much better. Dreams last night indicate that the Spiritual Life Institute, that stupidass Dave Denny is still behind my suffering. Another dream that told me via the unconscious (believe me, consciously I figured this out over a dozen years ago) how sick and wounded Denny is, and how he attempts to heal himself by projecting his neediness onto me--which would be bearable if I could be free to be me, but like so many wounded men, the only way he knows how to admit a need of woman is to dominate and deny woman's freedom of personhood. It doesn't matter to me anymore. These fuckers don't understand. When I told him over a dozen years ago, that if the abuse kept up, I would disassociate myself from him and his community. I meant it. Since I dropped off those library books on a rainy night, I have been completely and irrevocably disassociated from the SLI. However, the abuse continuted, and a few years later, I told a Catholic priest that if the abuse continued, I would disassociate myself from the Catholic community, and I meant it. They threw me in jail for six months on farcical charges where I endured a new level of abuse. That was it for me. I am not Catholic, and when I die, I will do so under the auspices of the Episcopal Church. It doesn't matter to these Inquistors though, for the abuse continues, and continues, and continues. I have spent years of my life suffering from forced drugs, and even three weeks in a psychiatric hospital, and to my utter amazement, these fuckers still think some kind of "conversion" is going to overthrow nearly fifteen years of the most profound physical (yesterday and last night was just the latest episode, (now numbering in the thousands), psychological, and spiritual, unbearably painful abuse. You fuckers have stolen over 14 years of my life, caused unimaginable suffering, and I will not have ANYTHING to do with you. EVER. You goddamned, sick patriarchs are part of the problem, not the solution, and I am interested in a solution. My dreams corroborate this. Dreamed last night that Dave Denny was blind, with his eyes gouged out. I know what this means, and I also know that I cannot help him with this, for his whole ideological position, as a privileged patriarch in the Roman Catholic clergy prevents him from relating to the feminine from a position of vulnerability, but only dominance, and his dominating, (non-consenting, on my part) abuse (God, I could spend pages describing the unrelenting abuse I have endured from this fucker and his stupidass patriarchal allies)that I have suffered at his hands has led to permanent alienation on my part. I knew years ago, that it was time to leave, when I dreamed that he was imprisoning me, and I understood that he was imprisoning me because he had imprisoned his own anima, as per patriarchal male psychic protocol. Whatever compassion I once had for his own psychological blindness and stupidity has been erased by years of the heinous abuse I have suffered at this pig's hands. Of course, it is not all him. Ratzinger (who had a spider crawling all over his robes in Prague--get smart, Catholics--your Pope is an anti-Christ, and his power tripping (with the Muslims) is going to result in the complete destruction of the Vatican--the greatest repository of human intellectual and artistic achievement on the planet, even if is rank with hypocritical sin of the highest order.
As for me, my path lies on a completely different trajectory, and God willing, I will be free to live my life as free daughter of God, again, and will find someone who is humble and receptive enough to understand what my true psychological and spiritual needs are, and have enough courage to reach out and share my life. Until that day I can only endure.

t

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