Fighting a deep feeling of depression

Fighting a deep feeling of depression as I woke up actually being able to get out of bed but still fucked up on drugs. I am so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. I am tired of having steel rods in my legs, of having a 50 pound head on my shoulders, of not being able to see out of my right eye because the optic nerve is so inflamed by excess fluid. I want to be me again. I want to be free. Free of these goddamned implants and drugs that have me constantly struggling to jjjust feel decent enough to walk and talk. I am tired of having to "shake" just to clear my head of a fucking brain tumor feeling. The worst part of it all is constantly being monitored and spied upon, while I am denied any employment and my poor old mother has to take care of me. I woke up this morning with the "virginia wolF" feeling. That is what I do to force myself to keep going when I am so depressed that I want to end it all. Virginia committed suicide when she heard voices for a second time (she had been committed to a mental institution the first time she heard them), and despaired that she would go crazyy. But I read an analysis that made sense, which said that when she committed suicide Hitler was triumphant across Europe (her husband was Jewish), London was being bombed daily, and it seemed a matter of time before England fell. England was also suffering from the grip of the coldest winter on record. So if Virginia had just persevered a little longer, I think she would have been okay. Yes, she was mentally ill, but she had a wonderfully supportive and caretaking husband who would have got her through the episodes--all she had to do was survive the cold winter and wait for America to enter the war. So when I feel that life is so dark and meaningless, I say to myself, "don't do a Virginia Wolf"--wait for spring to come. It certainly isn't spring today. My computer is toast with a virus, and I cannot fix it, because I am unable to reload my own OS because the goddamned fuckers have put an extra partition on the disk and a spy network that denies me administrative rights. I am using my laptop, but it barely functions because it also had an internal wifi card added by the spy police, but its architecture does not support that technology so it constantly is shutting down whenever its memory gets overwhelmed (mostly during audio or video streaming--has to stream not only to me but to whatever agent is in charge of spying on me). And yes, I am spied on constantly which is another depressing element of my life which I constantly hate but when I am really down, can't tolerate. I am denied any companionship to help me lead my life while a bunch of Christians try to force me to lead my life the way they think it ought to be, I am denied the ability to work to support my own self. And on top of that, even my little pleasures, of listening to music and surfing the web is denied me because my computer is toast. I am broke, but I am goinjhg to have to pay to fix it. LIFE JUST SUCKS, but don't pull a Virginia Wolf. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have to believe spring is coming, I have to believe that leadership is going to change, I have to believe that one day these creeps will quit trying to read and manipuloate my mind (;guess what assholes, I know when you try to do it--and I PURPOSELY speed up my thoughts so you can't break in. You can feed me lithium to make it slow down, but then you turn me into a mental vegetable, so you can't get what you want you fucking slavers). And yes, I believe that one day leadership is going to be a woman or man who supports a free America, not a bunch of mind and pharmaceutically controlled slaves. Like I said, not today.