Fear....coming at me, and fighting it!

March 1, 2010

Once again looking at ¼ inch seams running down my legs as the fluid drains out. I try to shake to get the fluid out, but after a certain point, the head is too congested and painfilled to shake. I am at that point. I tried to go to a job fair today. Very frustrating because it was so hard to get showered and dress. Nearly none of my clothes fit. I guess I am around 213-214 pounds, maybe higher. Bought a thrift store scale but haven’t calibrated it. Worse of all was appearance in mirror—my back is not curved, it is positively caved in. Never have I seen a back, whether on me or anyone else that was so drastically v-shaped in a human body. From the side, I don’t even look like a vertebraed human. No wonder I am not only in constant back pain, but also constant abdomen pain. All of the muscles of the torso have to be incredibly stressed with the back muscles and spine in such an abnormal position. I even find myself incontinent. Body, bladder, cant handle any kind of pressure from the severe organ displacement and bodily stress caused by back muscle spasms. Too sick to read. Too sick to write. Going to bed with heating vibrating pad, muscle relaxants and vodka. Wish I had pain killers. Too much pain to handle.

March 3, 2010

1:30 in the morning, and awake—last time I wrote these words, a massive earthquake (and oh so much more was taking place), but I just scanned the cable news channel, and there is nothing on but reruns. I can go to sleep and rest easily, except that I rarely rest easily. I never know when the damned downloads will begin, and I’ve awakened in the middle of night with severely swollen face and head pain the last two days, but I already had my cup of suffering for the day. A massive headache and autism hit me so hard when I tried to go to the gym that I had to quit after 5 minutes on treadmill. I am distressed about my weight, but there is so much going on, fretting over my body image is low priority. I’m pretty proud of the way that I managed to go to the library to get in a last hour of surfing, and also able to clean my kitchen, even though I was hobbling around with eyes half shut. I’m not so proud that I scared some pedestrians (French exchange students—I heard them talking through my open window) as they used an unsignalled crosswalk. Because I am so out of reality with autistic perception when I am that way, I didn’t see them and brake until the last minute. Poor students, poor me, and gracias a Dios that I didn’t hit anybody.

So much is going on that I don’t know where to begin. My mind is reeling from information overload right now. I can’t say that I am overwhelmed because really I’m not. Monitoring my mind is like reading an excellent, page-turning book right now. When I am in that state, it is hard to put the book away and attend to the details of daily living. Likewise, I know that I need to put more effort into organized writing and reading, but it is so hard to get the mind to slow down. I am making connections faster than I can express them. Maybe it is good that I don’t express them. I have a paranoid intuition that the Nazis/Freemasons/Satanists/Illuminati/Jesuits—all the enemies of humanity are becoming increasingly sharp regarding their perception of me. I was struck by the evil, reptilian eye staring from the billboard at Lead/Broadway, and mentioned it to Dale. The next time I noticed the billboard, the angle of the image had changed. It was the same serpent and the same evil eye, but the changed position of the head had a slant that seemed to mock me, “so you are hip to us, are you.” The word that I would use to describe the second image would be sly. I am reminded of the description of the serpent in the Garden of Eden—“cunning” and “sly.” When I called my mom this weekend (on her personal cell phone, which is what she prefers), Warren (a Freemason and high level, mind controlled agent) answered, which he never does, because first of all, he is very uncomfortable with cell phones (I’m surprised he knew how to push the “talk” button), and secondly, because my mom doesn’t like him handling her phone, and usually the most he does when it rings, is carry it to her. But he did act out of character to talk to me, and even though I barely talked to him, I picked up that his tone seemed aggressively controlling, and again I felt as if I were being monitored and mocked and toyed with in some sense. These people, TPTB, are incredibly cunning, and exceptionally detailed and thorough in their plans. They have backup plan after backup plan. I just get an uncomfortable sense that they got something planned for me—something even more than the jail, chronic unemployment, mental hospital incarceration, and constant drugging that I already have endured at their hands. I can’t help but wonder about blackmail. Obviously, they set up everyone for blackmail, that they think they can use, but I guess they realize the stalking charge is not enough. I worry about my family, and I worry about the future of my ova. I don’t know. These sons of bitches are playing like they got a hand full of aces, while I got a hand full of nothing, and I’m just learning the rules of the game as I play for the first time. And the stakes in the pot couldn’t be higher—the future of humanity and planet Earth.

So what has got them so smug? Is it that they think that I am hopelessly condemned by the implants and the increasing strength of their technology, and until I am a mindless drone, they enjoy the evil channeling that comes through my unconscious from their overlords? Am I going to get some Luke Skywalker revelation of how I am descended from an evil lineage? I already figured that out from my dreams. Are they going to make me an offer I “can’t refuse?” Well, I would refer them to the gospels and the temptation of Christ by Satan, but I don’t think these people take the witness and example of Christ seriously. I do. Maybe they are going to offer to remove these hellacious implants if I proffer undying allegiance. See the above.

I have to say that I had a disturbing experience last night as I was walking home from the park. I saw a woman sitting outside, smoking a cigarette, and I felt a chill of evil emanating from her for a full couple of minutes as I walked past. (I waved hi to her, but all I got in return was the chill feel of evil). As I turned into the alley of my home, I saw a police cruiser shining its light on me, while another cruiser pulled up into the alley behind me. I think the “evil vibed lady” called the cops on me to complain. Now, ( a day later, as I am getting ready to post this blog), I learned that the internet maestra for whom I rely so much in order to get the true news, had a panic and/or heart attack while conducting a radio interview, just as soon as I signed on!! I have known that for a long time these people can “cause” heart attacks and aneyurisms. I strongly suspect that is what happened with Bill Clinton, and in payback, Richard Cheney. I know that it is what happened to Ohio Representative Stephanie Jones in 2008 (“aneurism”). Death doesn’t scare me. Evil does. I have to remember though, and feel the spiritual conviction deep in my soul—I am protected by the blood of the Lamb, and through the intercession of the Archangel Michael. Amen