Sunday, February 28, 2010

Finally, I made it to a yoga class

Finally, I made it to a yoga class and while my body is happy (literally buzzing with energy), I am dismayed to realize how badly my body is deteriorating. I am especially concerned by the curvature of my (not so) lower back.I have NEVER had my back so curved. I suspect this is why my belly is so bloated (pushed out) and I am having pain in the abdomen. But there is nothing for it. I have to keep pushing, no matter how hard. I have to try to force myself to do stretches and yoga everyday (my left torso is nearly completely locked). I have to force myself to try to read and play music. I paid 20 bucks to go to a music workshop yesterday morning, and the first hour was relatively fine; the second hour the download began, and I found I could not concentrate, or even "get out of my head" at all. But I know now my inspiration and purpose. I always would pray to God to please never give me a vocation akin to that of Jeremiah, who I always thought had the absolute worst vocation of any of God's chosen in the Bible. No family or lover. No friends or disciples. No hope for his nation and race. Nothing but a life full of long lamentations, disrespect and rejection (even Jesus had a pretty good life until the last few days). But now I understand I can't fight it. My vocation is that of loneliness, suffering, and rejection with no relief or rescue until death. As long as I live I have to voice what God and spirituality is really about though. Time to get back to study. For the first time, I regret not having internet access, or rather, limited access (3 hours a day @library). I am trying to figure out that Chilean earthquake and while the gears are turning, I'm low on fuel (internet access time). When I am probing/penetrating for the truth, I cannot read fast, and I have to follow and/or toggle between possible links (both in my brain and on the "Net"),immediately in order to gain fruitful insight. I had hoped that limited Internet time would translate into greater, off-line productivity in reading and creative writing, but right now I'm really frustrated that I don't have the necessary access to figure out the problem on my mind right now...

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