From bad to worse

From bad to worse as I have lost two days of my life to pain and downloaded psychotronic drugs. I don't even know how I finally got up and was able to drive to the library, but at least the mind is a little clearer after two days. I stepped out on my front porch and saw a couple walking by, and just was stunned to remember/realize that there are people in the world who have a life, who have partners, who are physically able to walk down a street--not cooped up in a psychic/physical hell of pain and suffering that leaves one totally debilitated and nonfunctioning. I long to live life again. To be free of these goddamnedd neverending drugs. To be able to walk, skip, and sing (it has been two weeks since I was able even to go to thye gym and work out). To have a lover to share my life and thoughts, inspire me, and take care of me when I am so goddamned sick (as in yesterdat) that I am unable to get up and move. My face was so bloated yesterday i didnt recognize it. I think i had/have the mumphs as I could feel my lymph nodes swollen, hard and knotted, like a thich rope or cable. Even the back of my neck was swollen. Everything hurt. Luckily, I guess I could sleep. slept all day yesterday, night and most of todya. what a waste of my life. God help me persevere.