Monday, February 1, 2010

Hell nite, psychotic day

Hell nite, psychotic day as once again the GODDAMNED CHRISTIANS are force feeding me psychotropics. I forced myself to shuffle to library so i could write this. so goddamamned druged i coulnt turn right on red. cannot handle any kind of stimuli, like looking for opposing cars. hurts to write because whatever drug i am on is making my bicepts hurtso bad that turning the steering wheel is like lifting two humdred pounds in weights (forget wht they r called--brain cant remember). once again i am getting hate stares from people--tells me that they think i am mentally ill, and they are half right---right now i am in psychotic frame of mind, barely abvle to function. couldnt even read for fifteen minustes i watied for computer. also, i am forcing myself to stay mellow when truth is iam so full of rage i want to samsh and destroy everything in sight. my poor filthy ouse--has all kinds of propls abviable. better than last nmite when i wanted to slice my arms to ribbons---so full of anger and desperate need to get out of my drug induced psychotically alienated body.
This shit started yesterday. i know when i am alienated from my own body by drugs. and i know when it is confirmed by other people and animals. poor dog, yesterday, was lame and limping, but desperated to get away from the psychotic human she saw coming up stairs behind her. i couldnt even do yoga yesterday. my arms were so weak and trembling from whatever drug i was on, i couldnt hold arms in a fourpoint position on hands and knees. so i spent the last 15 mins flat on back, completely unable to do any knind of move or pose for the last 20 minutes. Some people might think i am having an out of body experience. i dont think so. i was having an "alienated from body" experience. this is what lead one open to demonic possession--which i think is an outcome some would like to see.
Excpet for the goddamned christians who i believe is rsponsible for my agonizing night of pain and brain/nervous system rushes that kept me awake and longing for suicide all nite, and now is responsible for fact that i am not funcitonal in reality. i am so pissed at myself for shaking the goddamned pricks hand. my instincts told me that he was just another christian abuser/torturer but i didnt want to be rude, esp. sinmce he was the only man, so i shook his hand. bill tim, dic or prick, whatever your name was, i want nothing of your goddamned torture and saassement of me. AGET IT CHRISTAINS--AI WATNT FUCKING NOTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING ANY OF YOU! I have suffered for years at your goddamned abusive, patricarchal, controlling hands and I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. I AM NOT ONE OF YOU. how many times do i have to fucking say it. how many nites do i got to go psychotically out of my mind? how many wasted YEARS of my life i have spent while you play your torture games on me. FUCKING PRICK. i hate you and i hate all your goddamned brothers. right now i hate my own jpsychotic self and psychotic alienated reality. i think they are doing it because they dont want me to do well at other options this week. in their stupid warped perveted reality, they want to control me to fit their expecatations/mold while i despise them. too goddamned sick to say whay i despise them, brain cant think and it hurt to type. hope i can function tomorrow. got things to do. know i wont be able ot goto yoga like this. arms cant type or turn steering whelel much less exercise. want to go to get one thing i know can knowck me out when my brain rushes like this in electrical/nervous system jerks--high proof alscohol. just got to put up with everybody thinking im schizoid. im not schixzoid juft drugged by goddamned abusive christians. GHO TO HELL, all al you

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