2/28/2010

I am on some kind of fucking psychotropic drug now that has me full of rage. I constantly am walking around wanting to throw things, to curse, to kick. It doesn't help that I am constantly reminded that I am a slave to a 21st century Inquisition orchestrated both by religious (Roman Catholic, but with a little help from others) and government (alphabet agencies) forces. The thought and everyday reminders that those christo-fascist morons are stalking me every day of my life fills me full of impotent rage. I don’t know what is worse—being stalked by the individual sheep, the christo-morons, who are so goddamned stupid they don’t know any better, or being cyberstalked and manipulated by much more sophisticated christo-fascists, who don’t even have the excuse of being simple-minded sheeple, but rather, who, in the name of Christ, (of whom they know nothing by faith or relationship), orchestrate a never-ending range of machinations and tortures to keep me imprisoned until I conform to their immature and/or evil expectations. Since I am neither immature nor evil, I never will meet their expectations, but how long, oh God, must I suffer? Nearly every day I pray for death, because I have no desire to live as a physically, mentally, and emotionally suffering slave for those Jesuitical/Opus Dei/anti-Christ Ratzinger pigs.

However, part of me says, “who am I to complain?” The whole world is stalked and manipulated by the forces of evil. Yesterday, there was another man-made (I doubt there are any women involved) earthquake, created and triggered by one of the incredibly powerful forces of evil which plays ping pong with my life and liberty—this time terrorizing the country of Chile. I now am willing to acknowledge that the end date for our currently incarnated civilization may indeed be 2012. For if the kind of evil, imposed suffering, and psychic imprisonment (they would use the term, “edenic control”) that I endure daily is the ubiquitous future of all of humanity, then mass extinction is a mercy, and no, I will not pray for planetary deliverance.

However, part of me has to have hope, and I have to cling to that hope in order to motivate myself to get out of the deep desire to just lie down with the blinds pulled and sheets around my head, turning on the TV when I feel really motivated. For there is a future—I’m just not part of it, except what I contribute through my ideas. I have a theory that I am victimized so heavily because the goddamned, evil bastards have identified me through time travel or remote viewing technology. They figure that if they can turn me to whatever future they envision, they can ensure their success. But what they do not understand (because they have no spiritual life or relationship with God), is that no matter what I may be in an “alternative” timeline, the great gift and genius of God is that every individual has free agency in each and every instant of their life, and that as long as the orientation of the will is to holiness, to God’s will, then God can and does work through that person. This acknowledgement is important because each reality is different, is changed, and true holiness, whether that of God or human, is not static, but rather dynamic and fluid. I AM a different person from what they recognize in their illicit viewing of alternative realities, because the matrix of this reality into which I have been born, is different, just as every single incarnation of reality is. I can only guess at what has changed from alternative realities —my autism, my gender, my homosexuality, my cultural environment, my childhood satanic victimization…? I don’t know and I’m not going to waste time speculating. All that matters is that right now, in THIS life, THIS moment, my spiritual orientation remains completely fixed on God, and that the older I get, the more I hear “It doesn’t matter what you choose, I will work through you,” whenever I query the Almighty. Everything I have chosen, including my actively affirmed, embraced, and pursued (if ever I am allowed to engage in ANY relationship) lesbianism, is in complete concordance with God. All I can do, in obedience to spiritual holiness and existential authenticity, is to hold fast to God’s will and my own self-chosen identity, no matter how much of a struggle, for even if I am imprisoned in a well of “miry clay” my voice can reach out. Hopefully, it can be heard by (what I hope) the tiny, remnant of the righteous that survives the coming apocalypse.

I can tell you right now it does not include the christo-fascists, the nazis, or the dumbass sheeple who are too lazy to pursue the truth on their own, but rather swear an obedience to believe the pap and crap they are fed, whether it be religious dogma, or the insidious mendacity of the “cool” popular culture.