May 7, 2005--
Finally, I have decided to start writing again. It has been hard not to write--writing is how I live out my spirituality and explore God's will for me. It has been very hard for me these past few years to realize that my writing was actually being used as a weapon against me, by people who did not, and do not, respect my relationship with God or my relationship with self. I know that I cannot be completely honest--not yet---and that has been the big stumbling block for me. I cannot fathom not being completely honest---i.e. telling the whole world exactly what I think and what I know and what I feel.
But it has become clear to me that institutional Christianity is as totaltarian regarding spirituality as an aethistic, religion-persectuting Communist society. I am a person of spirit being actively persecuted by so-called Christians who want me to fit into their warped, small view of dogma. I don't want to blow any new, would-be readers away just yet (wait a while--once I've earned your trust and respect, I will tell you the entire incredible story), so I will start out by speaking in generalities. But I will start speaking. I have decided that speaking out is what a person of spirit and faith is called to do. I can't be totally honest. I am like the early Christ followers--I will not be ashamed or shady regarding my beliefs, but I will attempt to protect them from the rapine and destruction of rigid, soul-destroying religionists. I've already experienced deep, psychic and soulful rapine and destruction from these people and carry the wounds and pain in my body. I am working towards and praying for forgiveness, but an even greater imperative, is to make sure that no one ever suffers what I have suffered at their hands. This means, quite frankly, that I am committed to 1) an alternative space and place for people of authentic spirituality whose fidelity to self and God precludes them from acceptance into any established community of worship; and 2) the radical transformation of institutional patriarchal religions (you might say "demise"), so that spirituality is unchained from its authoritarian warp that creates and nurtures childish dependency and bondage, rather than true relationship with God and freedom to live the fullness of life and individuality to which I believe we are called.
What are my qualifications? Well, I am a lifelong spiritual seeker, who joined the Roman Catholic Church after a profound religious conversion in college. Currently, I believe that the Roman Catholic church is under judgment, and that I will see that judgment come to pass in my own lifetime (forgive the generality---discretion....), but I am not one of those fundamentalist churches who believe that the Roman Church is the great Babylonian whore, while they and their adherents are going to ascend into the Rapture. I am against all religion that is based on political power (rather than the power of love), and fanaticism. Thit means that all of institutional religion, including Christianity, is sick and weak and counterindicative of the spiritual life. A few years ago, I would have wanted to work from within for reform. Experiences in the past couple of years have made it clear to me that reform is not an option. The churches are all under judgment, and razed to the ground, they must be, if a true spiritual awakening and regeneration is to occur. This does not mean that there are not genuine spiritual people within the churches, because there are, but I honestly believe that we have reached a critical point, where there are more truly spiritual people outside of the churches than within.
I am not sure what the alternative will be. I know that I need to write and expess myself, because that is how I open myself up to God's voice, which I trust to give me glimmers of what the alternative will be. I will no longer allow fear of pain and punishment to deny me this access to my own spiritual life. I do know as a lesbian woman of faith, that the church's teachings on sexuality and women are completely erroneous. I am not objectively disordered (though for years I believed that I was), nor am I determined into a proscribed and limited self through gender and masculine projection and needs. Certainly, a prime casualty of religion has been healthy sexuality. Sexuality and soul are inextricably linked. That is why I cannot reclaim one without the other. In this blog, I intend to do just that....
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