STUPIDASS IDIOTIC FUCKS

STUPIDASS IDIOTIC FUCKS have got me drugged up on something again today--something that has got me so fucking depressed i am closed off from reality and wanting to take a goddamned butcher knife and cut off the fucking mengelian manboobs that the stupid goddamned prick aryan pigs left me with. how do i know i am drugged when, to be honest, I am depressed most of the time anyway (anybody who would live in the fucked up hell that is my life would be depressed), but most especially due to the goddamned neverending fucking pain, which since the castration and thoracic mutilation, is FUCKING NEVERENDING. Tried to do yoga but im so fucked up i can barely walk up the steps. have no energy to do yoga, just want to lay there. today i couldnt stop crying because the goddmaned drugs have got me so fucked up. and i so goddamned pissed off because i know why the FUCKING DRUGS the FUCKING LIES, THE FUCKING MANIPULATION, THE FUCKING STUPIDASS MIND GAMES CONTINUE. I knew that when the psychic I saw yesterday kept asking me leading questions about a vocation in a religious community, whether monastic, whether Episcopalian, or Sikh!!! GODDAMN IT MOTHERFUCKERS, GET ITF, GET IT GOOD, YOU STUPIDASS FUCKING IDIOT PRICKS I DO NOT HAVE A RELIGIOUS VOCATION. AND EVEN WHEN I THOUGHT I DID, IT WAS A FUCKING LIE THAT I TOLD MYSELF AND OTHERS--TRYING TO GET HELP FROM THE SUPERNATURAL DEMONS THAT WERE OPPRESSING ME. I will say FOR THE GODDAMNED UMPTEENTH TIME, that I need to be respected and treated as a free human being in order to achieve the purpose of my vocation (and to be honest, it is already achieved. I am ready to die today rather than continue to live in this pain-wracked, weak eunuch's body). The lameass christians and wannabe freedom fighters who follow some fantasy about doing God's will or saving the world (while, I, am wounded and alone, engaging in the real McCoy, every night I am abducted or fight shapeshifting into a reptilian, will no doubt shake their heads, and wisely say,"oh it is the suffering that has led to her success and it is continued suffering that will lead her to embrace a celibate saintly vocation. HOGWASH! BULLSHIT! STUPIDITY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER FROM SPIRITUAL MIDGETS WHO KNOW NEXT TO NOTHING OF THE SPIRITUAL LIFE. My life is filled with suffering now, past, present and future. Like any other person engaged in REAL spiritual warfare, and not living out some heroic hivemind fantasy, I KNOW how much suffering is involved and I know how to accept; I don't need any piled on so that you can play mind games with me to see how corrupting the reptilian etheric body is. All you have to do is work with me, relate to me (and not from stupidass mind games--oh go pretend with someone else you stupid idiots), and you can figure it out for yourself. You don't even have to relate to me on a level of sensitivity or great trust. Just let me do a job, any job. Oh, but geez, she might fall in love again. We can'thave that, can we. In the little mind games we play with our own heads, in which the rhetoric that flies in their hivemind, Marxist-styled (can't remember the precise word, thanks to my fucked up on drugs brain) meetings, or in the special little psychic frequencies we use to surreptitiously communicate with one another a la the schoolyard cliques (are you special? Are you in or are you out? Well first lets make sure she passes the political correctness litmus test. I think she's a racist). Fuck you. While you are playing adolescent games (hopefully, one day you grow up to join the REAL fight), I am taking hits from the REAL fight on the chin, with no support of any kind, except financial handouts from my mother whose interest in keeping me maintained is to destroy me through all the satanic rituals she has been attending with her evil, ex-CIA Illuminati husband.
I know what I need. I have said it for years. Just because I heal somebody praying in tongues (was I praying in the Aryan tongue? I don't know. To me it was verbal nonsense, designed to amplify thepower of the Holy Spirit), doesn't mean I am your version of some aryan celibate saint. I am not celibate. REPEAT FOR CHRIST'S SAKE: I AM NOT CELIBATE. Yes, I have a spiritual vocation. EVERY PERSON ON THIS PLANET HAS A SPIRITUAL VOCATION. I am so fucking sorry that you are homophobic and hung up on rigid, traditional roles for women (and believe it or not, I accept, to a certain degree, that women and men play complementary, supporting roles for one another. But don't leave me out to hang, twisting in the wind alone, while you rush to open a door for me, trying to convince yourselves what men you are). Really, in some ways I am an old fashioned, patriarchal kind of girl. Despite my unease with the feminine role, for years I have deliberately taken on the that role, always smiling courteously when someone opens a door for me, because I believe that good, civil manners should always be graciously appreciated. But it has been a long time (nearly fifteen years) since ANY man has been a real supporter to me, which I wouldn't mind (I take people, as they are, and where they are) except that, then, they latch on my goddamned teat (including what little is left of it), all the while thumping their chests and self-congratulating their peers about what men they are. What does a real man do? They extend themselves to the fullness of their capability. I read a short bio recently about a good man, Otto von Habsburg. He is involved in the financial behind the scenes warfare mess that has been going for years. I am only superficially informed about that situation, but he really was blasted on the web so I decided to check into his background a little bit. I have to say that I went in a little prejudiced because I don't believe in a strong hereditary royalty (although I not rabid about it--certainly I am coming around to the belief that we, in republics and democracies, need some kind of ceremonial leadership position, so that we quit voting for leaders based on their acting abilities in garnering cult of celebrity status (hmmmm....who would I rather have a beer with? HMMMM. Who is the better dancer? Who has the whiter teeth? Who would I like to fuck? On and on. Who gives a fuck? The question should be, Who can answer the questions? Who has a track record? Who knows policy and policy implementation? Who has personal connections and relationships in the hugely corrupt and brutal world of politics? Anyway Duke Otto was slandered mightily on the Internet, but after I looked into it, I came away, convinced that he is a real mensch. And one of the stories that I really enjoyed about him was that he allegedly punched Rev Ian Paisley (a hateful Ulsterman and activist), after he held up a sign that called John Paul II "Anti-Christ" and went on one of his verbally abusive tirades. Now I'm not saying that I want to see punches thrown every time there is a disagreement, but Duke Otto, who is a slight man (and Paisley is/was a redfaced bully), also happens to be a Catholic crown prince. By the standards of the aristocracy in which he was reared, it was absolutely appropriate for him to take umbrage at the scandalous offense given his Pope, who had proven himself to be a man of deep sanctity and a fighter for human rights. As a woman, I would never throw a punch at anybody, and most especially a man (because then I lose the moral authority which being the physically weaker gender affords me),unless I was in a desperate fight for my life or the life of another. But I was reared in a patriarchal culture with a patriarchal father, and occasionally, it is incumbent upon men to stand up for what is right, on the physical level. That doesn't mean I support fistfights to resolve issues. I don't. I support men having enough personal authority, so that they don't need to fight when they confront an issue. When a man has true authority, everyone knows that they mean business, and so the situationn does not escalate. But here's the catch. What separates the men from the boys is that MEN have authority, because they ACCEPT authority. No male likes to be subordinate in authority to someone they don't like or whose positions they don't respect. I don't either. But until they can accept the authority of someone "just because they hold the office", they can never act with real authority themselves, and therefore are reduced to boys thumping their chest, demanding, "treat me like a man." Duke Otto has had a pretty tough life. He never ascended to the throne due to the post WWI politics that left him exiled from his home country, Austria-Hungary. From what I can tell, he doesn't feel sorry for himself. He submits to the authority that was usurped from his historical claim, without any kind of posturing or bitterness. He has been involved in pan-European kind of movements to try to impact a future for his homeland, that was supposed to have been his realm. From watching videos, I clearly can see that he still loves his homeland, with a deep and abiding love, which is more than I can say for loud mouth Ian Paisley. who is in love with an ideological vision for his homeland. This is an example of a royal prince extending himself quite a bit to show his manhood, but it doesn't have to be that dramatic. I prayed over my neighbor yesterday, because I could see, not only that he was really suffering, but also because he is a real man. We haven't always gotten along, but now that we do, he offers to do little handyman kind of things for me, not because he "likes" me, but because he is a mensch, and that is what real men do. He is on the frontlines of this goddamned alien war too. I am not sure if it is because he unconsciously tried to come to my aid during the nightly abductions, or if the damned aliens just recognized a psychically vulnerable prey one night when they were in the vicinity, but he has the implants and virus in him too. The night that I was castrated, he ended up with a coma in the hospital. I wish the situation were different, for I would not wish for anybody to end up suffering like he is (and especially because unlike me, he doesn't have the weapons to fight back). But still, I have to give him credit--he's a man. He extends himself to the fullness of his capabilities, and that is why I prayed over him.
Now, let me just end by saying, that any gift of healing I have, I will continue to have once I am in relationship. As a matter of fact, I think that I will have MORE to give, once I feel loved and supported in some measure, which right now I clearly do not. I am in so much pain--I'm not really able to function very well at all. I'm trying to stay abreast of what is going on, but I am so drugged and feel so bad that I cannot stay on top of things. Just have to wait and see.