A lot going on in my head

A lot going on in my head, but I am too fucked up to express myself in writing. It is all excessive female hormones right now, which does not allow me, my brain or my being to express itself creatively. It is not that female hormones frustrate creative expressiveness; it is that my brain was designed for and needs testosterone dominance in order to be creatively expressive. I literally cannot bring the ideas out of my head and work to put them together logically and coherently. Which is too bad, because a lot of stuff is going on. I thought about just throwing ideas out without making any connections but I it is such a struggle to do that. I find myself stymied in autistic obsessive-compulsive loops, just wanting to play solitaire over and over again (I don't even have the mental initiative necessary to learn a new game). Even in solitaire, I can tell that my mind can't hold multiple cards and possibilities in my head, making me a much poorer player.

There is nothing I can do about i---I take high dosage T-tablets, and for a few minutes I get a burst of energy and vitality, feeling almost human again, and then the female hormones kick in. I think the abducting alien torturers have switched something in my brain so that when I get a testosterone rush, the female hormones kick in as well. I know when the female hormones kick in. First of all my mouth becomes all clogged with mucous, WHICH I HATE WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. Then I get a rush of negative energy, which drains all the positive energy that the testosterone gave me. That is when I become full of rage and frustration, hating every aspect of my being with ferocious passion, and wanting to shred my arms and throw things. It is not the testosterone that is making me angry--it is the female hormones.

I vacillate between anger and depression, all the while hating my body. Last night I came to the realization that, despite my reluctance to give up my body of 50 years, the only way I am ever going to feel human again is to be have a gender change. I can handle the tension and conflict of an intersexed being--being a man in a woman's body, but I AM SICK AND GODDAMNED TIRED OF SUFFERING ABUSE AT THE HANDS OF PINHEADED, SMALL-BRAINED DIMWITS WHO CANNOT. In a way, it is not even that big of a decision. I hate my body as it now is. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
But the bottom line is that it is not the mutilated, fat body that drives me crazy; it is the emotional and mental autistic frustration that the female hormones cause that leads me to a disconnect with realtiy. I don't want to be an Emily Dickinson.

Anyway, lot going on, but can't pull it out of my brain. That's okay--remote viewers are doing it--they always get it a little bit wrong, but i don't have the positive energy or mental capacity to change that right now.
Just another day of feeling like shit, hating life and body I am in.