I think I figured out the psychotropics

I think I figured out the psychotropics that I am being force fed--I think it is some kind of anti-depressant. It is depressing me, and stealing my energy, as well as making me sick to my stomach and distorting my taste buds. I also wonder if it is responsible for the weight gain in my belly. Sigh. There is nothing I can do about it; I have no leverage over people who would abuse human rights and free will of an adult with such egregious arrogance. Instead, I am grateful that my mind can focus a little bit. I know what I am trying to focus on now--the occult secret of the ages, and I think that I have possibly found an avenue of approach that is a little less draining than reading the negative occult masters. Instead, I am going to try to pursue, as much as is possible, to pursue the positive occult masters, specifically Kabbalah thought and the Zohar (I got the idea from Albert Pike, who is as luciferian and negative occult master as can be, but who clearly was truly a high master of occult lore). I don't have a lot of time to read the Zohar (it is nearly 1000 pages!), but between my strong Humanities/Religous Studies background, and my own mature mystical bent, I am hoping that a crash course can get me the knowledge I need, so that I can achieve my goal. It would be helpful if I weren't so drugged. I dreamed last night that the windows of my house were all taped shut with plastic, obscuring my ability to see outside of my house. To me, that indicates what the psychotropic drugs do--interfere with my ability to dream and imagine, impacting my ability to recall the dream at a deep level, or to direct my mind in active imagination, so that I can come up with creative solutions. Well, there is nothing new there. I have been struggling with a drugged and sick brain for years now, and if I push, God's grace reveals what is necessary. This crash course is my current aim, but I remain vigilant to discernment of God's Will for me. There does seem to be some threads coming together, but my compromised energy does not have time to go there right now...I feel like a college student again--gotta crack the books!