Update: My God, what a difference

Update: My God, what a difference high dosage testosterone has made in ths apace of minutes! I was so fucked up that I was nonfunctional. In addition to being full of rage and negative energy, physically I was literally barely able to move. I couldn't lift my legs but only shuffle. Despite my best intentions, I realized that not only was I too ill to do my laundry today, but furthermore I was unable to drive one mile to the fresh water dispenser to fill up my empty water jugs. I was just way too autistic to get in the truck and drive--had I been away from home, I would have had to wait, because even though I have learned to drive when I am autistic, I would never get behind the wheel as fucked up as I was. I went to watch TV, but I was nearly blind with autism, and could not really process the words I was hearing. So my body said, "maybe testosterone will help", and I took the recommended dosage of testosterone-- two tablets. Within minutes, I realized that now I could lift my legs--not well or to a normal stepping height, but I could lift them. So then my body said, "wow, this is feeling a lot better, take two more". So I did, and immediately so much of the autistic blindness/deafness and mind fog began to lift and I could understand the TV, instead of sitting there with eyes closed. So now. I took even two more (above the recommended dosage), and now my mood is so much better, with the stymied anger and rage dissipated.
For years, I told anyone who would listen that my mental idiosyncrasies were the result of autism, not mental illness, but it took years of forced drug abuse and failed results before people listened to me. I had taken what God and life had given me--an autistic brain and worked to develop and minimize its limitations to the point that people would not believe that I was autistic, though as usual I was proved correct.

The same thing now is happening with the testosterone. I think I hate my body so much because the excess estrogen is literally killing me, making me so sick that I am not functional. Even now, I can tell that my brain, after (6 testosterone tablets!), is starting to work a little better. I can think and string words together. Earlier, when I was reading the morning posts, I literally could not comprehend what I was reading. I think my comprehension level is much improved now. I have been saying for months now, how testosterone improves my functional ability. Without high testosterone, I am not functional or high performance. Once again, the patriarchal mind controllers won't listen to me. They want to believe their stupid ideology of perfection and role expectation. Just as I did with an autistic brain, I worked with the intersexed identity (not really male, not really female), that God and life gave me, and I did such a good job, that people really had no idea that I am a man in a woman's body. I LEARNED how to be a woman. If you look at my bookshelves, you will see all the books on the Jungian psychology of being feminine. For me, it never did, and it never will be natural or easy to be "feminine". I used my high intellect (which needs to move FAST in order to respond appropriately in social situations--too much data I need to process, because being female and being socially responsive are not natural responsed but learned and consciously chosen and willed responses) to "pass" as a female. I learned all kinds of tricks. For instance, once I read an article about the differences between males and females in ordering at the drive through window. Women will order tentatively, saying, "I'd like", "can I get", whereas men will say, "I want". "give me". Well, I read this article as a young twentysomething, and asked myself, "Why am I ordering at the takeout window, using the language of a man". At that point, I was trying very hard to shuck off any masculine behaviors, so for years, I would consciously remind myself, at the drive through window, to use feminine language. But in order to consciously act and relate and respond as woman, I have to be high energy and highly motivated, to feel good about myself, my body image, and the way that I am treated by others. Needless to say that hasn't happened for years, and I no longer have the desire, energy or ability to meet someone's expectations of me as feminine. As a matter, because it has destroyed my body and stolen years of my life, the pendulum has swung quite the other way. I do NOT have the will, energy, or ability to meet other peoples' expectations, but instead I am trying to save my life by insisting upon who I am, but one thing I know about patriarchal men--they don't listen to women, so I don't expect any changes.
Now, I feel better, so I WANT to go get some water, before things change. I know you won't GIVE ME my respect, but that's okay--I don't have anything to give you.