Clearing

I have thrown the poison away, right down the toilet.  Now I won't be tempted to take it at 4 in the morning when I wake up in digestive agony.  I've quit eating solid food, except for little bits in broth. It doesn't really help though.  My stomach still feels like an indigestible cinder block, and I find my loosest pants are uncomfortably tight on me.  Normally, I am enraged whenever I see myself gaining weight because of these people's abusive tricks (and then have the doctor make comments about how people aren't aware of how much they eat--well I'm not eating now, and I'm gaining weight...what does that tell you?  Maybe you got another pill for that which you will lace with anti-depressant poison too....).  But my body is too weak and tired to be angry right now.  Mentally, I feel clear, and thank you God, it is so good to have my mind back.  Even though I know how hard it is for me to lose weight, and I know that I will be furious and humiliated once it all ends, and I can start the slow laborious process of losing the additional fat that they have added on to me this time, I will deal with that problem when my body feels healthy.  I just can't agonize over the condition of my body when it is in the survival mode that it is in right now.  To me, regaining control of the mind is antecedent to regaining control of my body.  So I am just going to hunker down into survival mode until my body learns that it is going to have to kick in and do some metabolism on its own--that I can't depend on anybody to help me out---and most certainly not anyone in the medical profession.  My roommate is all pissed off at me---no doubt because she is reading my entries and is all hurt about what I say about anti-depressants. That is too bad.  I feel like the young child Eve whose mother would fill her up with enemas, then fly into a rage when she couldn't hold it any longer.  It is only an evil mother who would poison her children with antidepressants that weaken the mind and body.  And then to fly into a rage when you start to expel it from your body.....But I know who the evil mother is who started all this, although he insists on being called "Father."  I know and have told him over and over again that I want nothing to do with him or his community, but they won't listen.  So they commit desperate, evil acts against my body and person, and I am suffering for it right now.  And indeed I am suffering.  My body just got hit with a wave of fatigue after drinking a bowl of broth.  I think its taking all the energy I have to digest even a bowl of broth.  I have to save my energy.  I have to go to work like this.