As I continue to experience and fight the effects of these anti-depressants, I realize now how they work, and why they are so addictive. Bottom line is they make you high, and cocoon you from reality, so you really don't experience reality---you are too tuned in to the feel good vibes caused by artificial chemicals in your brain. Most westerners are barely in touch with what their body is feeling, so they are unaware of how powerful these chemicals really are. Someone like myself, who is very in touch and in tune with her body, knows instantaneously when there has been a serious biochemical change in my brain. One of the biggest problems in Western society is how out of touch with our bodies we really our, and antidepressants both depend on that for their success, as well as exacerbate the problem. We would rather feel the chemicals separating us from reality than the raw emotional data that makes us human (and fully alive). The only time when the use of antidepressants is acceptable is when the pain is overwhelming (ie, when someone is suicidal, or pretty darned close). Other than that, health professionals should be addressing the source of the pain, not the symptomology. But all these MD's and therapists are so eager to prove they can help (they can't; the patient is the primary agent of healing, which is another misconception in the so-called healing professions), that they write out prescriptions for chemical quick fixes which only serves to deepen the patient's denial mechanism regarding the source of the pain. Not coincidentally, it disempowers the patient from the healing process, turning them into co-dependant addicts on chemicals, and the pharmaceutical industry gets another cash cow, while the doctors all congratulate themselves when their patients gush about how much better they feel.
Unfortunately, and having been fighting to rid anti-depressants from my body now for over two weeks, I can speak authoritatively: anti-depressants don't solve or cure anything. They only allow you to mask or deny, or better yet, separate you from what you truly feel, and present a bland, acceptable facade to the world. This actually is the perfect drug for Western society, where we have strong egos, but a weak sense of authentic self or soul. For anti-depressants nurture the ego (or mask that we present to the world) while locking away the self in a closet. When I am on anti-depressants, I notice that I feel keenly that I am separated from my soul (of course if I were your typical average American, I wouldn't even know what it felt like to be in touch with my soul, so it wouldn't be any big loss. This is why most Americans are totally oblivious to the poisonous effects of anti-depressants). Instead, I feel a duality in myself. I am aware of my feelings deep down inside, but they are buried so deep in a well that they don't penetrate except as an echo to what is going on consciously. Instead the mask of the ego takes over, and lies, lies, lies. Of course, because I am aware of the duality, I am aware that I am lying, but I can't reach the anti-dote which is to get back in touch with the deep self or soul. When I am heavily influenced by these anti-depressants (as opposed to trying to detox them from my body), I am amused to see the difference between the ego I present to the world, which other people experience, and the true feelings that I am aware of, but cannot access. Indeed, I feel evil because I am aware of how much of a lie I am presenting to the world as I manipulate my own self-presentation. And as in true evil, I have no guilt or feelings of remorse, just slight amusement at how easy it is to manipulate others with a lie. To be evil, you have to be a spiritual person. That is why living the lie that anti-depressants provide is so destructive to me, and my body and psyce rejects it so vehemently. Most people who get hooked into anti-depressants have no relationship or awareness of their spiritual self. They are just full of infantile neediness, resentment and jealousy, and they know they can't function in the world with those burdens so they just drown them out with chemicals, rather than engage in the true healing process of coming to a mature and spiritual confession and awareness of them. The only problem is that along with all the negative, immature feelings, they stifle all the truly liberating and uplifting feelings as well---love, beauty, joy. That is why people on anti-depressants just seem flat and uninspired, indeed stifled. They also are easily manipulated by the prince of lies in all his manifestatons, because they are daily living out a lie. As for me, anti-depressants not only stifle my rage (which I think is a quite justified feeling); they also stifle my love and joy. Normally, I realize, I am full of caritas--benevolent, spirtual love, in my dealings with others. I passionately care about people. When I am on anti-depressants, I don't care. I really don't care about anything, but especially other people. Like I told someone when I was heavily doped up---"You know, I just don't give a fuck," and I don't. This is why my saves rates slips so dramatically when I am on anti-depressants. Normally when I talk to people on the phone, I am deeply engaged in connecting with them on a deep level. In short, I care. When I am doped up, the glib words come out of my mouth, but my soul is disengaged from any attempt at relationship. Sure, I'm not going to get angry, but no I'm not going to care one bit, either. Feelings are connected to the soul more than thoughts, and the Western penchant for manipulating and controlling feelings is just another indication of our uneasiness with soul. That is why we live in such a soulless society and are so susceptible to lies, and that is exactly what my tormentors would prefer to see in me---someone they can use. But I don't believe the lies that they do, whether it has to do with Roman Catholic dogma (the Christian Church is directly responsible for the mass exodus of truly spirtual people from institutional religion), or this government's credo that Americans are more special than the rest of the world (therefore torture, war, and economic exploitation are all okay, as long as it is done to "further American interests"). It is never okay to treat someone as an object, without their consent, unless they are a danger to themselves or others, and this is the source of my resentment and rage, and all the anti-depressants in the world will not make it go away. It will just make it go deep down inside while I smile on the outside and tell you what you want to hear--in other words, join the lying flock of sheep.
I refuse, and my refusal is costing me dearly. I do not feel well today at all as I struggle to detox myself from their poisonous shit. My body literally feels like I am recuperating from a long illness, I am suffering from yet another headache that has been plaguing me (I've gone through more Excedrin in the past two weeks than I have gone through in the last 6 months--I'm popping them like M&M's in an attempt to stave off the pain and tension), and my eyesight is all weird ( a sure sign something is wrong with my thyroid/hormones). I don't care if I go in a coma. I would rather die, than live out a lie, and feel myself become alienated and evil, something they would never understand, either because they don't understand the reality of the spirit and soul, or because they have sold out their spirit and soul to the lie that is the institutional dogma.
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