Able to read again

3/25/06

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I am happy, peacefully, truly happy for the first time in months.  I am sitting on my porch, soaking in the glorious weather (along with a palm plant I am trying really hard to save from the premature death of my negligence.  I am walking around in bare feet on clean floors that I mopped yesterday (I hate wearing shoes; I feel so liberated when I walk around in bare feet).  I haven’t had a headache all day (my daily headaches come and go in waves, that I think, are linked to body/brain energy.  Whenever, I become too active, too energetic, the brain forcibly slows me down with the headaches).  I haven’t been overextending myself.  It is just that my brain only wants to move at a very slow pace.  Well, it has one more week to heal itself, and then the pace is going to definitely quicken, like it or not.  The breeze is blowing, the birds are warbling, and the chimes are tinkling, and it feels good to be alive.  I was actually able to read today, and think, and pray, but I am not in a place where I am comfortable writing about my inner spiritual life, as the dominating forces in my life are only concerned with stymieing my spirit and free will, and warping it to fit their dysfunctional needs.  The less they know what is going on with me, the better.  They still are attempting to dope me up with anxiety and sleep-interfering drugs, but the weather is on my side now, and I just sleep on the hardwood floor with no blankets.  I have given my unconscious stern instructions not to talk in my sleep, and give comfort and aid to my enemy.  I don’t know if it is working or not.  I remember how Edgar Cayce was totally powerless to control what people asked of him, so he had his wife present at all readings to make sure that he wasn’t abused while sleeping.  It makes me laugh to think that they’re going to get me to return to an abusive psychologist with that.  These people don’t know me at all!  Insomnia led me to seek help once before, but my insomnia was genuine, not induced, and I know the difference.  What caused the insomnia that I experienced when I first started working at AOL?  I think it was unconscious anxiety over knowing that I was in a situation where my emotional and spiritual self-sufficiency was about to be toppled.  It is a very anxiety-provoking situation for me to fall in love, especially when it comes all wrapped up with other incidentals.  I also think the stress that working at AOL put on me was somewhat responsible.  I had to grow---and fast—to deal with all the challenges that were being thrown at me.  It is a very social environment, and as always that was very challenging for me.  The SLI & Co have got it all wrong.  It is not artificially induced challenges that make one grow and stretch (often creating anxiety in the process).  It is just dealing with life—on the real.  I laugh when I think of all the times they tried to create anxiety and other emotional states in me.  They have no idea that unlike them, I am totally uninterested in emotional game playing.  Dealing with basic emotions and relationships is plenty challenging for me, and especially now that the lithium has intensified my autism.  I can tell that I am not quite “right,” clearly handicapped, in my dealings with other people, and this causes the same confusion and shame in me that I experienced as a child and youth, and it is very hard to overcome it, instead of just withdrawing.  But I did it once before, and I believe that I can do it again.  I just don’t know when my brain is going to be healed.  But as they say, “whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”  I’m tired of being strong.  I just want to rest, but with the enemies I have (and they are legion), that doesn’t look to be an alternative anytime soon…..