Recuperating

3/22/06--

3/22/06---It has been a long time since I wrote anything, even though it has been over a month since I left work on short-term disability.  But I have been recuperating....from sheer brain
exhaustion and trauma, and the recuperation from the poisoning is nowhere near finished.  My immediate diagnosis is fluid on the
brain (it was pretty bad for a while---I wondered if I were going to lose some of my eyesight permanently), but the real damage was done by the poison--lithium and speed.  I did learn something
about myself from all this---I am autistic---something the MRI technicians found.  (Of course nobody "told" me this--I had to figure it out on my own, like I always do.  To give lithium to
an autistic is just about one of the most damaging of actions.  And I realize the lithium has made me more autistic.  I'm not as bad as I was---totally alienated from my body, but my body
still is not healthy and I can not push myself like I am accustomed.  Then of course, there is all that additional inflammation and arthritis that the speed has directly created....
One reason I quit writing (apart from the fact that the brain was just too exhausted to think and write), was because I realized that the SLI & Co actually enjoy my suffering.  They are dysfunctional, sick and sadistic Mel Gibson type Christians---suffering is "good" in their eyes.  Builds character, especially Christian character.  Don't get me wrong.  Suffering comes to us all, and when it
does, we should embrace it, but to purposely create, cause, encourage, and facilitate suffering---that is the kind of heresy that patriarchal Christianity espouses--not the
teachings of Jesus, who healed people through love and touch, not poison and lies.  Even the  false notion that these doctors and priests had of me--"manic-depressive"; "semi-schizoid"
all came about because these people literally did not (and do not) know me.  That is why they will not accept who I am, or allow me free choice in self-identity.  But I insist on it.  Regaining myself, my mind, my body, and my emotions, though is going to be an arduous, involved process.  In three months, the sadists managed to completely wreck my mind and body. 
Even now, when I talk to people, I recognize that I am not all there.  It is as though I cannot sort out the thoughts in my mind.  All the little tricks I learned over the years to deal with people, from my autistic perspective, are not functioning.  I am suffering
serious anxiety whenever I have to deal with other people.  It is hard for me to think logically, and I honestly suspect that all these headaches that I have been getting is the brain insisting on quiet and healing.  My poor brain just doesn't like a lot of activity right now.  As a matter of fact, it is starting to flag on me right now.  It is so tiring to write two paragraphs.  I do not know when I will be well again.  I can only take it one step at a time. Bedtime.