Woke up today with a clear head for the first time in what seemed weeks. Even more importantly, I looked out my open, screeened door and saw the early morning light hitting the leaves on my neighbor's tree, and felt a soul stirring response. I was actually able to appreciate beauty ! For the first time in weeks! The light in Albuquerque this summer has been just remarkably beautiful--more like the artistic havens of the northern part of the state, Pecos, Taos and Santa Fe. I think it has to do with the cloud overcast caused by the unusually inordinate monsoon rains that we have been welcoming with the unmitigated enthusiasm of a desert people for water.
While intellectually I have been appreciating this unaccustomed weather, and the coolness that it brings to a normal, scorchingly hot summer, I haven't "felt" it--that soul response of gratitude and joy that is related to the psychological feeling function. The drugs have totally separated me from that deep feeling capacity--which is what I believe makes us truly human. It feels good to experience my humanness.
I can't say that life is perfect. I am still on speed, and it is still dragging me down, but compared to the hell I have been experiencing while on those psychotropic drugs, life feels good. Now, I just got to try to "get my legs back." The drugs completed numbed and increasingly paralyzed by legs. When I woke up this morning, I could actually feel my legs for the first time in a long time, but the muscles are still weakened and I find it difficult to walk. So what am I going to do with this great day? Clean house. Who knows, tomorrow I might be all drugged up, and completely incapacitated again. Got to make hay while the sun shines--and it is shining so beautifully today. Thank you, God.
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