Monday, September 5, 2011

The KaBal has me swinging from one extreme

The KaBal has me swinging from one extreme to another. Yesterday, I was so sick I could hardly move. I figured out that not only was I on psychotropics, but the thyroid meds were pulled. I was able to figure that out because of the constipation I experienced yesterday. So this morning, I wake up, and my bowels are moving so rapidly (but not with diarrhea looseness) that I have to run to the toilet. Yep--they are feeding me thyroid meds again. They do it, because they cannot stand to admit to themselves the inescapable truth that I have acknowledged to myself--that, since all the metabolic and viral brain changes, I will never feel like a human being again unless my body receives man-sized quantities of testosterone metabolic fuel. Without it, I can barely move or function. But the KaBal insists upon seeing me as their "Isis", and don't give a damn about my health or well-being, so they cheat, and try everything in the book to force me to conform to their vision of who/what I should be. Yesterday, the thyroid meds were pulled; today, they restored them. Thyroid medication amps up both testosterone AND estrogen. However, estrogen is poison to my body, and so now, I am so congested with mucous that I can barely breathe. Even more distressing is the muscle spasms. My body is completely locked and rigid with muscle spasms, not only along the back, but in the rib and stomach area, where yesterday they cut out more muscle and bone. The less muscle and bone I have the more rigid agony that I am in, for I literally cannot move. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to move any limb. I just want to lay on my back with a heathing pad beneath me, and one on top of my ribs. Yes, I have a little more energy than I have had for the past few days, but what is the use, when I am in such painful and agonizing spasms that it hurts too much to move. I am going to lay down as soon as I finish this post, but first I want to talk on my dreams of the last couple of days.

Without going into specifics, I get the feeling that Salusa and company are trying to get me to dredge up deeply unconscious feelings. I had to think on it, but I still identity Salusa as a "good guy" who wants what is best for me. The only two options left are to either completely remove the virus, in which case I have to learn to live as a mutilated female, who is very unhappy in my current, mutilated body or to enable a complete transgendered change, in which case I will have to learn to live with a outer penis--the only part of my God-given male body that I have never experienced--as well as spend some time feeling comfortable with a masculine self-identity. I choose the latter state, but my choice doesn't mean shit at this point in time.

Anyway, what my dreams last night told me is that it would be very dangerous for me to dredge up unconscious feelings right now. As a matter of fact what I dreamed was that I was told NOT to go to the bathroom (for a bowel movement), for there was something in the toilet that would give me a fatal colon cancer if I did. I don't know what exactly that means--does it mean that my unconscious anger is so deep that if it comes out unconsciously (in dream state), rather than slowly in a conscious manner, that it will sabotage me and propel me towards the Dark Side, which I despise so much, or does it mean that there is a powerfully evil being, waiting to snatch me from the good guys, should I begin the path of extra-dimensional travel. I don't know, but my dreams are clear (the only part of my life that is), and so, I have to accept my current limitations, and work on my psyche consciously, and continue to pray to God to guide me unconsciously, so that I don't end up more fully in the camp of evil than I already am.

Oh, and by the way, I think my idea to separate myself from intellectually following the agenda of the good guys, was a very positive one. Yes, it bugs me not to know what is going on, but it pleases me to know that the KaBal is even more frustrated because they can't plumb and twist my unconscious mind for information that consciously, I would never give them. GO GOOD GUYS!! I am with you in spirit, even if I don't know what is going on.

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