A second night of brain/electircal jolt rushes--I AM ON FUCKING LITHIUM FUCKING AGAIN. It is probably the lithium that has me feeling like dead zombie all day. Barely functional. so sick wish i were dead. though my mind is resolved, there is no joy in decision. just time to do it, needs to be done. can only pary that I get off these drugs that have me as walking dead.
Tonite there is no excruciating headache. there may have been an energy weapon directed at the house last nite. Was going out of my mind with pain. Had nitemares all nite as cylons from Battlestar Galactica chased me. I wish to God that I could watch that show when I felt emotionally well, which is to say, when I could feel emotions. For it is a dark, grittily realistic show with little comic relief (which I always appreciate), and I am starting to get a feel for where it is going, and I need to be emotionally healthy to navigate those waters. I long for the days when I didn't know what I know, but my destiny demands I learn this stuff. I could learn a lot better if I felt like a human being (maybe that is the point--maybe the Nazis want me to be an emotionaless, dispassionate cyborg--it sure ain't what the fullness of humanity is about...)
I just need to feel. Period. To have energy, joy, zest for life. I need this goddamned lithium out of my body, and all these goddamned drugs out of me. Period.