Tuesday, September 27, 2011

And the games go on...

And the games go on...frustrating day while mind games continue, so for example, Black psychics and red Sirians check me out to see if I will lose my temper, when people play bullshit games with me. As for me, I have been in a mellow mood most of the day--it was the people around me, who were getting really teed off. Why? Because playing bullshit games with people, giving substandard service, and shoddy attention, when they go to fill their prescriptions, makes a normal person angry. I no longer am normal. My body is a wreck, and my brain permanently impaired by all the dumbasses who have been playing mind games with me, while I have struggled on a near daily basis to do my best, even though I have been suffering from glutamate poisoning and psychotropic-induced autism for years now. So, yes, you long suffering medical patients who gave me hard stares and said, "I can't believe this", I understand. Imagine going through that shit for years. As for me, I was kept waiting in the doctors office, then went to the pharmacy, waited for a 1/2 hour, just to be told prescription hadn't been sent, then went back to the doctors' office. I had a pharmacist refuse to vend me Tylenol Sinus, after his supervisor came and talked to him. Of course this was a lie--some Black psychic just checked me out while I suffered this indignity. Again, no big thing. I am used to being frustrated, abandoned, betrayed, used and abused by non supportive "allies" at every step of the way. What really pissed me off, though, was that my homemade probiotic brew was tampered with. It was fermented cabbage, and I had it in the basement, so that the smell would not permeate my house. The basement currently is not locked, though it would not matter if it were--my tormentors can gain access to my house with ease. Anyway, I knew the brew had been tainted, when I retrieved it, because liquid had spilled out onto the deep pan I put it in. When I had left it, the bowl of brew had been completely Saran wrapped. More than anything else, they wanted to let me know they could tamper with it at will--there was a half smoked cigarette by the basement stairs (sobs always used to leave their damned cigarette butts as "tags" around my house). Still, I decided to partake, and sure enough, no sooner do I take it, then the head starts involunarily shaking, and my back muscles start spasming painfully.

So, you see, this crazy abuse and mind control games go on and on and on. At every step of the way, I figure out how to heal what these negative Sirians have done to me, and at every step of the way, they make my life more miserable. The really frustrating thing about this glutamate antagonist business is that if I had been working with a doctor, a REAL doctor, not one of the Nazis or red/dog Sirians, I could have figured that out a long time ago. Even now, for those who have the function, do a search for "glutamate" in this blog, for I know that I have mentioned it more than once that my suffering is caused by neuron excitation and toxicity caused by excessive glutamate. When I was 23 or 24 years old, I told a therapist that I was suffering from an obsessive-compulsive disorder, but she waved it away, saying that my MMPI showed me to be the exact opposite of an obsessive compulsive. I have told people on several occasions that I am OCD, most recently my mother, who told me that she worked with OCD people and that I had none of the behavioral characteristics.

I may have none of the BEHAVIOR, of an OC sufferer, but my mind can get stuck in those obssessive compulsive patterns. When I am healthy, it only happens when I "working a problem or idea", or trying to emotionally debrief a situation. I used contemplation and mental discipline to get the "monkey mind" under control, but the damned virus and the glutamate excitation that it caused totally demolished all of my hard earned peace of mind. It is nice to have a mellow mind again, but the tampered probiotic brew has me back in the agitated, obsessive-compulsive state.

Just a waste of my time, and my life--unnecessary suffering, because some negative Sirian and their Jesuits/religious fascist sycophants think that I am going to be a cripple for the rest of my life to feed their dependent, lying asses. You know, a doctor was actually very close to figuring out what my mental condition was, and how best to treat it. Although she was an opthamalogist, she prescribed me Gabapentin, which is a Glutamate receptor antagonist which is what I need. I took the Gabapentin, and noticed that I felt better, but I wanted more of an opportunity to see how it really worked. For this was in the early days of my suffering, when I had a clear memory of what it felt like to be normal with a healthy brain, and a happy outlook on life--after years of this shit, I just want to feel like a half human--forget about being a "peak" human. However, because this was in the early days of my torture, I left the bottle of Gabapentin in my bathroom cabinet, a huge mistake that I haven't made in years. It was tainted, so that for my second dose, I was shaking and screaming in pain. Too bad--because if I am not on Gabapentin now, I could have worked with that doctor to find what glutamate antagonist would have been better. Damned fuckers and their stupidass mind control games have prevented me from true healing and treatment for years, and they think I want ANYTHING to do with them, after they have stolen years of my life, and left me a mutilated, miserable wreck???

Even now, as I write this, I can feel my appendix twinging, and my guess is that the probiotics are doing their thing, but there is no way that I can continue with it as a regular regimen, because I cannot stand the way the tainted psychotropic makes me feel. In a way, this doesn't matter. I have been going through this misery for years, and somehow I manage to come through, no matter how poorly I feel, no matter how unsupported or unbriefed I am. I will continue to do so, because it is in my nature to excel, even when every circumstance and people around me, are doing everything possible to undermine me. I am grateful though, for the respite. I know my mind must be working better, because I am suffering boredom again. A few days ago, I was re-watching some disinfo video for a clue, and I was so beside myself with boredom. Well, at least I can read--not right now, though--that homemade brew has left me really messed up

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