Thursday, September 15, 2011

The body is getting weaker and weaker

The body is getting weaker and weaker the more cutting that the aliens do. There is no doubt in my mind that soon I will be completely disabled. Even now, I can barely walk, stand, or even sit. So much of my rib cage and back musculature is gone that I do not have the requisite strength to hold myself up. For that matter, I don't have enough neck muscle strength to hold my head up. I woke up, severely asthmatic, because my spinal vertebra is so tender from the spasmed muscles caused by lack of support. The entire back is weak and unsupported. I can cry and vent all I want to about human rights and the way God made me, ect, but being realistic, I have to face the fact that I am being forced into accepting either one of two radical life changes--handicapped cripple, or not only a gender change (which would not be that difficult), but also a repudiation of my racial heritage for that of a Black person.

I really like the way I look and am proud of my heritage, so the acceptance of the latter is definitely a challenge. It is not the change of the color of the skin that bothers me, even though I really do prefer the Hispanic color of my skin; rather it is the cultural differences that I find difficult to embrace.

Still, since I spilled the beans about my awareness of the two options (I have known it for weeks now), the aliens are accelerating the changes to my body to force myself to choose one option or the other--either I identify with being a physical cripple, or enter a culture where the males stew in adolescent victimhood, and become lifelong psychological cripples, never entering or owning their own manhood, because the ego abasement that is requisite for the formation of a healthy manhood is rejected as "racism".

It is true that my own male psyche is crippled, but legitimately so. Yes, I had and still have a strong masculine temperament, with the requisite high ego and natural sense of authority and dominance. However, because I inhabit a female body, patriarchal culture has pounded out those innate tendencies of mine. Starting as a child, I had to learn how to work within the limitations of my socio-cultural status as a female. To my credit, I developed both an acceptable feminine personality AND an inner strong sense of manhood. The former is compassionate, socially and culturally responsive, while the latter provides the driving expectations of excellence, a spiritually imposed self-discipline--which manifests itself outwardly as "authority", a high standard of behavior based on values, and NO EXCUSES ALLOWED to obscure my own sense of self responsibility for my choices.

So even now, while recognizing that no matter how "unfair" it is that my body and person is being so abused and violated, and that yet again, I am being abused as a "female" by a patriarchal society which declares ownership over the feminine body, my male voice says, "that is the way it is--what can I do about it?" I have suffered and endured the most difficult and relentless of ego abasement for over a dozen years, what with incarceration, joblessness, total loss of privacy, enforced social isolation, while currently facing an increasingly handicapped body. Still, I am facing an even greater and more radical loss of self-identity--whichever way I choose. However, my sense of manhood insists that I truly affirm and creatively live out whatever choice I make. Yes, the two choices are imposed upon me, without my consent. I can rail against God, aliens or fate, but it is a fact that many people, both men and women, must affirm and live out the sometimes hateful choices and negative karma that falls to their lot. I can be, and am, grateful, that at least, I am blessed with the psychological and mental resources to accept either choice without spiritual death.

Intellectually, the choice is clear to me; however, it is accepting the choice emotionally that is the difficult part for me. However, I MUST work on it--the way I am being cut up, I do not have much longer before I will be confined to a wheelchair.

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